The Aquarius Man is ....Married

by Red Oktober
(London)

There are some amazin women here who have helped me understand the AquaMan in my life - THANK-YOU so much for taking the time to post. I'm a true-blooded Scorpio woman too!

There are also some great Aquarius men who have taken the trouble to give us insights into their character and special way of thinking. I salute you!

Any Aquarius men willing to read and comment on this post would be very kind to do so, and it would be appreciated.

Me and Aqua met 10 years ago, had a really strong connection and liked each other very much. he told me back then that he was always thinking about me - and it was mutual. Though we never got around to having sex, we did spend one night cuddling and holding each other close and that just made us feel even more 'bonded'/. Long story short, we then suddenly disappeared from each others lives for 10 years. At the time, I was told some pretty nasty lies about the Aqua by someone I thought was a friend. (The same manipulative 'friend' who
then declared his love for me! I made the wrong choice back then and fell for 'the friend'. Big mistake. HUGE Mistake.) At the time, I believed the lies and didn't realize that I was being manipulated so badly. The result was that I stopped all contact with Aqua and he didn't 'come back'.

I met the Aqua again 1 yr ago, after a 10 year gap - the spark is there and stronger than ever, but he's married now. i'm happily unmarried tho. He let it slip that he had googled me a few times over the years, but i didn't admit that i'd done the same.

We have met up a few times in the last year. Usual pattern is that he'll text to meet up, then we'll spend an evening and be extremely close & intimate, talk a lot, hug, kiss, cuddle and have the most amazing sex and cuddles all night and the next morning too! When we get up, he's more distant tho.

Neither of us feels like talking about emotional stuff, (in my case, i just don't care to ask anything, i just enjoy him so much). so its world events, work stuff etc that we talk and debate about. We have never discussed our feelings for each other, but I have told him that I like him and his character and him very much. This was done in a fun way, not a 'heavy' way and was very much in passing conversation. He did not say anything like that back and looked a little uncomfortable, like he didn't know how to react. (i was careful not to make eye contact when i said it, but from the corner of my eye, i did see that he was shocked, even a little offended (!) and just looked up at me not knowing what to do! I've since told him the same thing a couple of times - again, spur of moment and in the context of conversation and in a very light-hearted, non-threatening way. No reaction, so far - not a verbal one, anyway!

This will give you Scorpio girls a laugh...When I text him the next morning after he's left, I usually say something like
"Nice to see you last night - take care. X" and his reply..?? "Thanks"

Ha ha ha ha ha - it actually makes me laugh at this stage, its sooo like him to 'pull away' like that! At first, I thought that i'd done something wrong, and I especially thought so when i didn't hear from him again for a month or two. At first, i did NO research into Aquarius men and was just plain hurt and confused. But now, it all makes a bit more sense and i expect the distant behavior. similarly, if i text just to say HI, it is met with an instant, but detached reciprocal greeting!

By the way, I have my own life and stuff going on, I feel attractive and sexy, I am a big risk-taker professionally and personally and have some exciting projects and plans on the go. I have done and achieved a lot in a long time and a short time and I confidently do things very much my own way. I've always preferred to 'take the lead' in everything I do - but with Aqua, I seem to behave completely differently to normal. I'm letting him call the shots and initiate contact, and when he does, he always invites me to make/suggest what we do for the evening. I don't sit around waiting for him to text, but I do constantly wonder when he will.

So, this is where we are now...

Each time I have seen him, the closeness, intimacy and the sex are fantastic. I put absolutely no emotional pressure on him whatsoever. I never ask about his wife and he never tells. He has only phoned me once (when i hadn't heard from him for 6 weeks) - and will usually text once every month or two. If he cancels, I'm not too disappointed and never give him a hard time about it - in fact, i'm very understanding and tell him its no biggie. Then he makes up for it.

So...I last saw him about 3 weeks ago and had an amazing time,. I texted him a week later to say HI - and "accidentally" planted a nice mental image of me for him to chew over. His reply was a detached, but later that night, he texted to find out more about the little 'seed' i planted. Once a couple of curiosity questions were answered, he fell silent! That was a couple of weeks ago now.

I'm not going to text him, but, given his pattern of doing things, I expect him to text and want to meet up in the next 1-4 weeks. And then we will have a grate time again, but then the same pattern will follow afterward.

Just to say - sometimes when he comes around, or sometimes by text, he will surprise me by remembering a tiny detail that I thought he'd ignored from months or even years previously. He also seems able to recall EVERY conversation we had 10 years ago. Each time i see him, he seems to 'give' a bit more of himself to me' - and I sure do reciprocate, but not instigate. I feel that we are getting closer each time, but still with the same 'disappearance act' in between each time.

Please no moral lectures about me seeing a married man. I am an adult and aware of the negative consequences - so is he. And, for the record, I would NEVER NEVER have seen myself in this situation. He has no kids with his wife, which actually would make me cut all ties strait away, as I would never hurt any child's heart, nor participate in that happening. I also believe that all is fair in love and war, and that nobody can, nor should seek to "own" anybody.

He never complains or feels sorry for himself, but I do know that he had a hellish period of a couple of years since we first met, and I think that he is still a little fragile from it. I also know that he is very busy with irregular work hours and other work commitments. I want to make him happy and adore him for just the man he is - and I feel that he is the only one I can do that for.

Can you seasoned Scorps please help advise me here?! The elephant in the room is that he is married (he's 41). That aside, his behaviours have been exactly described by many of the regular posters to this forum - its almost as if when he disappears from your life, he comes into mine - then onto someone else and back again in cycles! (maybe its the same guy?!!!)

So...my questions are:
1) Why is this Aqua Man cheating on his wife?
2) Why with me?
3) What does he get out of the situation?
4) What intentions does he have towards me?
5) Is it possible that he is in love with me? How can I tell?
6) Is the situation causing him conflict in any way?
7) Is this situation hurting him in any way?
8) Would it ever enter his mind to leave his wife?
9) Do AquaMen imagine themselves with other people, in different scenarios?
10) Is he likely to ever get around to telling me how he feels about me?
11) What would it take for him to have that conversation?
12) The big question...! bearing in mind that we remember each other so fondly and so well from 10 years ago - and given his increasing 'closeness' (still with 1-2 month distances though) - can you predict his next behavior?

I strongly feel that he is 'The One' for me. I love him and have no problem with him needing his space and thinking time whenever he wants. I'm happy to let it ride for a while and see if the pattern of increasing closeness continues. If he decides he doesn't want to see me anymore, I just know that it'll end nicely, but still won't be over - in our hearts and minds at least.

I think about him all the time and I'd appreciate any comments that can help me understand the implications of being involved and in love with a married AquaMan. Thanks again - you're all magnifico!

Love
Red Oktober
13 Sep 2010



Comments for The Aquarius Man is ....Married

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Red Oktober
by: PassionPlay

Hey...

It's kind of hard to really tell what it is he wants being that he's married. I don't know if he would ever leave his wife because I've known aqua men to be very loyal when they do decide to commit. What exactly is it that you're wanting from him? Eventually I see this leading to you giving him an ultimatum...you or his wife. Have you guys talked about why he cheats on his wife...is it an unhappy marriage? In the meantime, I would try and date other men as well...just so that you don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Married Aqua man
by: Anonymous

Hi Passion Play - thanks for the comments. I suppose that I don't want anything from him that he doesn't want to give. If it becomes obvious that he wants to stay with his wife then I'm happy to respect that and be responsible enough not to sleep with him again. At the same time, I know that would mean that a great friendship can grow, so I don't see it as a lose-lose.

If I had my own way though....he'd realize that he should be with ME!!!! But I don't think I'll be giving him any ultimatum because i'm not sure that its a fair thing to do to anyone. Part of that is just liking the person for how he is and enjoying the good stuff like good conversation and good company. So, I'm happy to let it settle down into whatever it is gonna be.

I've been staying away form texting and emailing him and true to form, he's been in touch wanting to meet up. As a true-blooded Scorp chick though, i'm sure gonna do my best to pull him over to the dark side ;o)!!

Loadza love xxxxxxx
Red Oktober

???
by: PassionPlay

Red...

Well I hope things work out for you. If you can, I would try and see where he is at in his marriage. You know, ask him in a round-about way without revealing you wanna to see where you and him are going....just like casually asking.

I also have a question. How long do you usually go without contact from him? Me and my aqua have been friends for like a year before we started actually "talking." But I noticed that after we started getting close, he pulled away and now I haven't seen him in almost 2 months...and haven't even talked to him in like a month. He isn't in a relationship, and I asked him flat out that if he wasn't interested it was ok...& that we could just be friends. He said it wasn't that, but he just had other commitments right now...busy. Do you think I should just move on? Do you think he's leading me on?

Why He Goes all Quiet on Us!
by: Anonymous

Hi Again Passion Play,

By the way, I should have thanked you properly for your first comment, especially when you asked "What exactly do you want from him?" Its a good question and I didn't really think about it clearly before - so I appreciate you helping to focus my mind!

A lot of posters on this say that they can go a few days without hearing from their Aqua Man. I'd find that a luxury if mine contacted me that often! I have gone more than 2 months without hearing from mine, which just upset me & made me think that he wasn't interested. I know enough not to call and hassle guys, but still, with only our imagination for guidance, its hard not to feel bad about someone we like not bothering to call for 2 months.

Here's the thing though, as a woman, I'd naturally assume that he is "not bothering...doesn't care about my feelings...is being inconsiderate towards me etc." But as a man, he would never imagine that I'd be going through those thoughts waiting for him to call - it would never occur to them. I think he just plain doesn't know he's hurting/confusing you. Men and women are definitely wired up differently and men approach things in a practical, logical kinda way. Women are emotion-based creatures and its all about how we FEEL.

I'd guess that your Aqua man doesn't "feel" the same way as you about a period of no contact, because men don't "feel" things in the same way as women. Instead, they "experience" things. So, if you both had a great night, you might think it felt great, but he might say that he had a great time. Its like they think with the head much more than feel with the heart, like we do. Aqua's are also easily pulled into other things, work, friends, TV (!), etc. and just plain 'forget' about things that are not on their immediate horizon. I bet that when he is with you, he is really 'connected' with you.

That said, it is straight-forward for Scorp women to 'create a great experience' for the Aquaman (do they even deserve us?!!). I decided to focus on creating good experiences when I see him, and it does work. What did Maya Angelou say..."its not how you feel about someone, its how they make you feel." If, for reasons he can't even work out, he always seems to have an enjoyable time with you, he'll accidentally feel closer to you, whether he likes it or not!!

...
there is a word limit, so i'm gonna continue on a separate post!

Red Oktober...












continued comment....
by: Anonymous


Going back to your question - its about 4-8 wks between contact. It is confusing, but consider this...
Men are told from a young age that they shouldn't cry, shouldn't get emotional etc, because it is just not manly. It is conditioned into them from a young age to 'keep it all in' strong but silent etc. So, all their lives they have repelled the idea of getting emotional or talking about their feelings. So, to have emotion-talks about how you feel when he's out of touch is something he will likely find hard to relate to, and it would be easy to understand why he'd shut down and not really be able to talk about those things easily.
When I didn't hear from Aqua after 2 months, I sent a casual text that I knew would engage his head - sumfin like "Hey! Help me settle sumfin - Is it possible to be a 'professional' sunbather?" He was pleased to hear from me and dialogue was open again.
When we did meet, I made no mention of the lack of contact, neither did he and it didn't feel like it was an issue. it was like it never happened. I'm also wary of hanging my own emotionals on him. I think its my responsibility to keep my emotions in check, not make someone else responsible for them. Since then, I did focus on just enjoying the time spent and trying to make sure he would enjoy it too. In the between times, I try and keep myself busy and try not to focus on my feelings. If he goes for more than a month without contacting me, I'll now send a text with a joke, or something light-hearted. It reminds him that he hasn't seen me in a while and he always responds.
i'm not saying I have things under control, I really dont! But, I have noticed that each time i see him, he is more comfortable around me and more relaxed. It is a slow road and a big job of patience and understanding, but it means I have a nice person in my life with something that is developing into a real 'soft spot' for each other. I've stopped trying to be in a hurry to move it along!
Last - No, I don't think he's leading you on. I think you should take what he says at face value, knowing that he has the rest of his life going on at the same time as liking you. men are scared of emotion and feelings, but if they just keep finding that time spent with you is really pleasurable, they get closer and more addicted to you - but it really is a loooong game!
Try not to see his 'absent' behavior as trying to hurt you personally, I'm sure he would never want that. But, I think that if is true to Aqua form, his head is in the clouds and he just doesn't have any understanding on the impact on you. Get this...last time I didn't hear form him for 2 months, I found out later that he'd gone on a work trip, hurt his back and a close friend of his had died. I didn't hear about any of it form him (his friend told me months later) - and to date, my Aqua has never spoken about it. They are a strange bunch, but very special!
I know I rambled on, but I hope it helps a bit!
lots of love
Red Oktober XX

Thanks...
by: PP

Red...

Thanks for your response. It's nice to have someone take the time to address your problems instead of always talking about theirs. I completely understand what you're saying and to be quite honest, I am taking this time to really figure out what I want...because I do have a really bad habit of wanting what I can't have. So I'm trying to figure out if this is just one of those times.

I figure I would give you a little background between me & my aqua so you can get a better handle on how things are between us. Like I said, we were friends first..although that's a pretty loose term to use. We met at a friends house and he asked for my #. Gave it to him, he tried to pursue me for a while, but I never really gave him the time of day because I wasn't really interested. I must point out that I dismissed his advances a lot becaue he was always very indirect about making plans with me to hangout. He would always txt me and see how I was doing then say..."We need to get together sometime." It was a constant thing & I never understood why he couldn't just ask me directly to make plans with him, especially if he was the one always contacting me. However, we managed to stay in conact thru all this and hangout sometimes. The times we did hangout it was mostly just me and him, we've talked about everything and he's pretty open with me. He tells me about his family and how his relationships are with his dad, mom, and sisters, his goals, what he wants to do with his life. He also analyzes me...and tells me "I can tell you're this way..." and tries to pick my brain when it comes to how I view him. He also always mentions the last time we saw each other and why there shouldn't be such a long gap (we've gone 9 mos without seeing ea other before). He txt me at one point and told me he was going out of town for 4 mos for business and wanted to see me...I told him I wouldn't be able to, but really I just didn't feel like it...[I know :( ] So when he was gone...I was kind of missing him...haha, so typical. Well we kept in touch while he was gone and I told him to let me know when he was coming back. So a few weeks before he got back into town he txts me and says "Was just thinking about you and will be in town in a week." Then when he got back...he txt me a few days after his arrival and let me know he was back in town. Well we eventually met up and that's when things between us started to get closer. I started opening up to him a lot more in regards to my life (I'm very secretive and guarded), and the time I was willing to make for him. I just wanted to mention that we've never been sexually intimate, just kissing. We had an opportunity once (when I was kind of tipsy), but he told me no because I had been drinking. Well, then true to aqua form...he disappeared, ugh! He stopped hitting me up as much, didn't make time for me, and that's when I finally asked him if he was even interested.

Cont below

continued....
by: PP

So since then...I haven't spoken with him or even tried to reach out to him. I figure when he finds the time for me or wants to see me, he'll come around.

It's just frustrating because I start to get paranoid that with so much time apart, someone else might steal him...or he just lost interest. So I'm like you, I try to stay busy and not be alone with my thoughts for too long...and I know that with time, I'll eventually get over him if he doesn't come around. I also keep myself open to dating other men as well.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and hear me blab on and on and on.

WOW!! Sooo familiar!
by: Anonymous

Its just uncanny how they behave so very identically to each other! Man, I do know exactly how you feel because there are so many similarities between our situations! But...one thing that seems really clear to me is that your Aqua got an emotional overload!! He clearly thinks about you but is s**t scared of "feeling" all these things for you, because his analytical head is trying to rationalize emotion! To someone who doesn't 'get' emotion, its a hard thing to describe, and I think he's trying to describe it to himself. Honestly, he just wouldn;t bother at all if he had no interest. But, it also sounds as though he doesn't know what to do with "it".
Remember that they need to look at it all from every possible angle, then ponder each angle individually..then ponder combinations of angles etc. Its just their way, they do 'introverted' pretty well, but NEVER associate it with hurting people.
Its also their way to be a little vague about making a direct plan (mine is the same). If the text says "we should hang out sometime", its a good way of guaging your level of interest. (I'd word it that way if I was 'fishing' to see how things are, without making myself vulnerable to rejection.) It is also in keeping with fishing to see how you feel about him.
Its just his Aqua way, I think! Working it all out!

I found your comment interesting...
"I am taking this time to really figure out what I want."
The way I see it, lets say you decided that you "want" to be in a relationship with him. Is it really the right time to make that decision, bearing in mind that you are "secretive" and he's not as clear as he thinks he needs to be about you. Does that make sense?? Reading between the lines, it sounds like he opened up first, then tries to find out where you stand. You opened up a bit later, but then offered him an out, saying that friendship is fine. I'd say an Aquaman could dine out on pondering that for months!!

As for someone else stealing him, well, good luck to them - how they gonna figure his behaviour??! I'm also gonna guess that Aquamen get dumped a lot. And getting dumped before, not understanding why, maybe interpreting signals as mixed (maybe?!), not understanding emotion, not being emotion-led, having a 'pondering' & logical nature, but still having the need to rationalize things must all be keeping his head busty at the moment. So what do they do when they have so much to figure out? They go off and distract themselves with something else and ponder it in 'bite-size' chunks instead.

gonna continue next post...

Wow! continued...
by: Anonymous

So where were we?!

I might be getting carried away here, but if you were rejecting him at the beginning, then he'd perceive that in whatever way he did. Then, opening up about his relationships with his family is a fairly intimate thing to do - you only do that with people you are comfortable with. So then, he lets you know he'll be away for a while and wants to see you, but you didn't want to see him. So far, he's opened up to you and been rejected twice! (Sorry, there is no intention to paint you as a bad guy, I'm just writing on the fly and trying to figure how he MIGHT see things with you. So, go with it, but you will know if i'm wide of the mark with my reading of it!)

So...when he is back, he texts "Was just thinking about you.." Nobody "just thinks" about someone then texts them to meet up! Especially since its an Aquaman! He wasn't "just" thinking about you - I'd say that you've been on his mind solidly and he worded his text to appear a bit more casual. So, I'd say he is really interested in you at this point. No wonder things got closer when he finally saw you!
So now you open up! It must have taken him a lot to even get to that point if you hadn;t opened up til that occasion. I'd give him some credit for that. I think he could have disappeared after that because the goalposts changed - he has more information than he did before, so he needs to re-calibrate his thinking & what it all means. I'd bet that he feels closer too, but doesn't know what to do with the situation, because the head is trying to figure out the heart. Then....you offer him an out, which is even more difficult for him to understand - and understand it an Aqua must!!

Honey, he ain't out hittin' on no other women, its you that is on his mind, even if it is all in 'digestable parcels'.
I've been through a scarily similar rollercoaster of thoughts/feelings/imagination running wild etc. and I've decided that my strategy is to create good experiences with lots of laughs, good conversation etc. and steer away from talking about any issues that I don't think his Aqua head can reasonably deal with. With my scheming Scorpio mind, I'm making sure that he has a great time when he's with me, and i'm thinking things will be fine. I don't know what the outcome will be, but then again, I don't think I NEED to know. It;ll all be revealed in the time it takes. Meantime, I'm trying to apply some of the Aqua logic to things and see it his way, instead of being driven just by my own emotional needs and viewpoint.

....gonna continue this on 1 more post !!!......


Red Oktober xx









Wow! continued part 3 !
by: Anonymous

Just one last thought - I could almost see how the Aquaman approach to relationships and 'emotional closeness' could be a better approach than most people usually take. STEP 1 - "Normal" people would meet someone, then decide that they would like to date them. STEP 2 - When people date, its really just a process to establish whether you will get along and be compatible. That 'dating process' can take years before people either split, marry or keep things as they are. With Aquas, they are leaving far less to chance and want to do step 2 first! They want know you'll get along and be compatible BEFORE you date!! In a weird way, it sure is logical !! You have already said that you want to 'decide what you want'. Well, I think so does he - its just that one of you is on step one, and the other is on step two. Its just a perspective, and like I said, you know the truth of the matter!

My disposable advice is this: Send him a joke, ask him if he knows anything about haircuts, anything just to give him some friendly contact. Regardless of the response you get, it will help him know that you are thinking about him, and that won't be lost on him. When you do meet him, keep it light, fun and really enjoyable and find subtle ways to show him you care and like him. I know we both want to see into the future and know EXACTLY whats going on in his head with our man RIGHT NOW, but..we can't! Tough on a Scorp, I know, but I think we're both better off if we instead focus on EXACTLY what we know we can do to gently reassure and create fun experiences RIGHT NOW. I think we have to keep repeating that, til the fun and trust mount up, and thats what will bag the Aqua. C'mon, we're manipulative Scorps, we can do this`!!

Like I said, I don't know best, but the above is how I'm looking at things now, and it is much less of a head-wreck for me and feels like its the right thing for HIM for me to operate that way. That means I get the benefit and each time, I'm a little more persuaded that he feels good with me.

Its a long game, but then, so is dating - except that by the time you do get to dating, this approach will have built up a much more solid foundation than trips to the movies and all that jazz!

Sorry about the length of the post! The whole Scorp/Aqua fascinates me and this site has been so helpful for me. Its a real run of the mouth, I know - but I hope another perspective helps, or at least entertains!!

Lots of love,

Red Oktober xx


Oktober out!
by: Anonymous

I'm off to bed!
Text him - give him some reassurance that you're thinking of him, but don't freak him out! Keep your eye on the present, not the future and let him - allow him - to get to know you better. You're obviously really into him, and it sure does look like he's into you too, but maybe you're confusing each other a bit?!! Your imaginations might both be running wild when you don't know what the other one is thinking, so give him a gentle sign!

My latest is that we were due to meet today, but I cancelled. Why? Because a big zit appeared on my face! So I'm giving myself 5 days to get rid of all traces of it. Appalling behavior and very Scorp!!! He would never guess at my real reason for cancelling, but I'd hate for him to be hurt or confused by it. `it works both ways!!

I really will shut up now, but let me know if you decide to text, or how you're doing. Its nice to chat to you, it feels like we're on the rollercoaster!

Red Oktober xx

Freaking out
by: P

Red...

Thanks for your response. It really gave me a lot of insight into my situation. I really do understand what you mean about aqua wanting to get to know the person first before dating them, instead of dating the person while getting to know them. I actually think it's very logical and honestly I've always felt an ideal relationship should derive outta friendship.

I also wanted to clear something up and maybe it'll change your opinion. I get what you're trying to say regarding me giving him an out when I said...it's ok if we're just friends, however it wasn't exactly said like that. We had plans to hang out and he said he would hit me up when he was done with work. So around 6pm I txt him and asked him if we were still getting together and he stated that he didn't know because his work was running late and he didn't know when he would be finished. So me...my mind started working and thinking the worst. In my defense...haha...the reason I started thinking so negatively was due to the fact he was contacting me less, sometimes not returning my txts, and passing on time he could spend with me when he wasn't busy. So logically it would only make sense that maybe he just really wasn't into me anymore. So I just flat out told him (thru txt)..."Honestly, you don't have to bs me. If you're not interested, you're not interested...no point in wasting time. I still adore you as a friend though, no hard feelings." And he responded with "It's not that, I just have other commitments right now." So I told him..."Ok..well you hit me when you're ready." And that was the last time we spoke. I figured I would give him space because I could tell that's what he needed.

cont..

Cont.
by: P

It makes sense when you said that when I began to open up...he basically had more info to begin to reanalyze what's going on. I think he began to see a more intimate side of me...and I think going from shy and guarded to open kinda might have been intense for him.

Anyways...after thinking about it, I decided to take your advice and shoot him a txt. When I got home last night around 11, I just simply txted him "Goodnite" and his response...."Hi. And goodnite" The reason I did this is because I wanted to keep it very simple and just let him know I was thinking of him (like you said). I wasn't really ready for actual convo. I'm trying not to read too much into his response.

I have to tell you that I am kind of freaking out. I am really, really scared of this turning into anything serious that I almost prefer and feel comfortable with us not talking. It's so sad I know. So if the reason he got distant was because he needed time to get his head straightened out...I can totally understand why because I feel like I just want to run away.

I know you said to keep myself in the present and I like to and try to. But when it comes to me considering someone with serious potential...I guess I'm kind of like aquas in a way, I need to know that things will work out between me and the person so I do have a habit of pondering how things will work out in the future, i.e. can he be a good provider, does he have family issues, will we get along, what are his faults and can I deal with them. These are just some of the things I turn over in my mind. I know it's not that serious, but it is for me because I don't want to commit to someone who I can't see a stable future with.

But anyways...So I guess this is where I'm at with my aqua. It feels all very confusing at the moment. I think I'm just gonna let things die down and then depending on how I feel, start thinking about it again from there.

I can't beleive you cancelled with your aqua over a pimple! But then again I can! They are so observent I wouldn't have doubted if he would have noticed. You seem to be pretty grounded at the moment in terms of you and him, which is a good thing.

Thanks for the talk and reading (listenting).

Relaaaaax!
by: Anonymous


Damn! I was sure this was gonna be a short one! Sorry PP!
I know I went on and on with the comments. There is a thing jokingly called "the paralysis of analysis" - whereby something is analyzed sooo much that it just freezes the head up! Some of what I said about how men and women see things differently is interesting to read about once, but you're totally right not to want to analyze every word, text, gesture - its all background stuff. I think its nice that you sent the text - and that you got a reply. Making a connection is a 2-way street, its no longer all about the man making a move. We gott agive 'em a lil sumfin to go on. Do you feel better for doing it?
A 2-way "Goodnite"/"Goodnight" simply means "I'm thinking about you" & "I'm thinking about you too!" Thats pretty nice in the middle of any confusion that might be going on.

I'm sorry to hear that you're freaked out, cos again, I've been there for the same reasons! At one time, I was thinking about him all day, every day and he wasn't calling for a month. So was he at fault, or was I?!! Me of course and it wasn't an easy time. Poor guy wasn't doing anything wrong, but i was mentally punishing him for not living up to my expectations - expectations that he knew nothing about! Not fair on him and not fair on me. But Man! We are our own worst enemies for imagining worst scenarios, then presenting them as FACT to ourselves & getting all freaked out - all because we chose to believe something we made up! And, it gets harder to see things as they really are when we put so many other scenarios into the mix - especially untrue ones. Gotta relaaaaax Girl! I think he's intrigued by you and really does like you. And if he's like the rest of us, he doesn't know how to play it either!

Not contacting you isn't necessarily about not wanting to see you, it sounds like he may not want to get rejected, or that he's simply doing other things, like people do. Either way, it ain't intended to hurt you. I have seen a change in my situation by taking what he says and just believing that - and also by spending more time with friends to calm myself down.

Listen, please don't be scared - and especially not about it getting serious. Just think about it as slowly getting to know each other, and you both sound like you need time to do that. Nobody wants to hurt the other one, but you're both really good at protecting yourselves from potential hurt. And anyway, "serious" just means that you have a depth of feeling for each other, it doesn't mean anything bad. Why are you scared my friend? So what if you do have a relationship? What if it doesn't 'work out'? You can get into and out of a relationship really nicely and still remain friends. What if it does work out and you both enjoy each other? What if he does have "faults"? Are they just part of his character, like being 'guarded' is part of your character? Nobody is perfect, but they might be perfect for us, warts n all !

cont'd

continued...Relaaaaax!
by: Anonymous

I really do know what you mean though about being scared about it working out. If i'm really honest, my fears are about whether I'm really good enough for him. Crazy, he doesn't seem to see the imperfections that I know I have. So, again, I'm taking his lead and not making an issue of them when I'm with him. Don;t be scared - that is just fear. And 'fear' is usually a bunch of stories we make up, then believe! Everyone does it, but it doesn't make it 'real'. Show him your best side - show him YOUR "serious potential" by just relaxing and enjoying his company and knowing he likes you. You won't know how it will work out, but you can be sure that you have the potential to enjoy him every time. You don't have to "commit" to anything. likely is that you'll just enjoy each other more, open up more and get to know each other more and more as times goes on naturally. Things like trust and feeling secure quietly build up invisibly in the background when this is happening, so please don't stress yourself out, don't be scared, don't run from him and put the crystal ball away!

Sorry if this sounds like i think i'm a know-it-all, I don't. But you provided a big clarity for me just with a simple comment/question, because you can see my situation from the outside, wheras I had a big list of pointless questions and my head in a spin over-thinking my situation.

Relax, don't torture yourself with 'seeing into the future' stuff, cos at the moment, you can't. You're giving yourself a harder time than aqua is! Be kind to yourself and spend time with other friends. Really try not to ponder stuff and instead plan how to make your next time together really enjoyable - you know, little things, get the wine in, feel great in whatever you wear when he's there etc. Ponder nice things to do. He can't see into the future either, so he doesn't have any answers to your questions yet, so you may as well have a nice time, and you can guarantee that the outcome of that will be good. Then do it again and again. You will see a shift each time, I beleive.

Most important to understand though, is that it wasn't a pimple, it was the size of Luxembourg :o|

last bit comin' down the track......

I know
by: P

Red...

I'm not sure if you finished what you were saying or not...the last post said..."last bit coming down the track..." but there was no other comments afterward. So I'll just respond to what I got so far.

That's so funny that you mention "analysis from paralysis" because me and my brother are always referencing that and making jokes of it...it's so true though!

You're right...it is the fear that drives all these crazy doubtful thoughts in my mind, & I know that too, but sometimes it's hard to keep a straight perspective. I notice that my mood goes in waves. Some weeks I'll be fine, then others I just lose it.

I think it could be a possibility that he is taking his time. It reminds me of this other aqua guy friend that I have. I meet him when I was 18 and we were strictly friends, even though I knew that he was interested and I wasn't AT ALL. However, he never jocked me (would go months and months without hearing from him) and never even made it seem like I was on his mind, other than just being my friend...like he was always content with just that. It was to the point where I wasn't worried about him mistaking my niceness and friendship as interest, because I thought for sure he knew he didn't have a chance. However, fast forward 3 yrs (I was 21) and one night he just kissed me outta the blue! Funny thing is...I couldn't stop kissing him back! Well needless to say I ran away, because I didn't want it to ruin our friendship and I knew deep down he wasn't the right one for me. Although I will say, to this day I have not met a man that kept it as real as he did. He was so completely honest and truthful that I knew if I asked him a question, I was always getting an honest answer and I never doubted it...which is rare for us scorps to do. I'm still friends with him to this day and adore him, and he recently got into a relationship...but this girl stuck by him for 4 years before he completely committed! Now they're like 2 peas in a pod....crazzy!

Cont...

Cont.
by: P

So it's funny that you mention the whole taking his time thing...because sometimes I catch myself thinking back to my aqua friend and wondering if this is the route my current aqua is taking. I guess only time will tell and I have to keep continuing to do me by keeping myself busy with the goals I'm currently pursuing. I also refuse to close myself off to other options out there in regards to men. I like my aqua and all, but you never know who life will bring your way.

I wanted to address something you said earlier. Why would you think that you're not good enough for him?? I wouldn't want you to think that cause obviously he doesn't. One thing that's crucial about relationships with people in general, is knowing what YOU deserve, not the other way around. I may put up with my aqua's distance, but it in no way taints my self-worth. So honey you need to dispel all those thoughts and start putting yourself on a pedestal, not him. I know dealing with a married man is a sticky situation and although it's not my style, I'm not going to judge you for it, but do you think maybe that has something to do with it? Is this something you encounter with other men you've dated? Just something to think about...

Well thanks again for all the great input and I hope you see your aqua soon!

3rd ..continued...Relaaaaax!
by: Anonymous

(sorry for delay-it wouldn't accept my post for some reason!)

I can't stop thinking about my Aquaman - he was on my mind most of the time, maybe more than was healthy - same things as you, but with the 'new strategy' in place of believing what he says, and making sure he enjoys himself, no heavy talks etc. I feel less stressed now, even though I still think about him a lot. I see his confusion with me as well, but i'm just going to keep engineering good experiences for him and see what happens.

When Luxembourg shrinks back to the size of a dot, I'll see him for the first time in 5 weeks. That kind of 'anticipation' is exciting. I'll tell you exactly what will happen there - we'll have a great time, we'll talk about everything, make each other laugh a bit, have dinner, wine, we'll be really close and intimate, loads of cuddling all night 'afterwards', and again in the morning. Then after I leave, i'll text him a 'Great to see you - enjoyed last night. X" kind of text, and his reply will be a bit cold and distant. Then I won't hear a word from him for a few weeks. If i then text 2 weeks later to say hi, i'll get a text back saying "How are you? I'm busy with work." That used to bother me a lot more because I just couldn't figure why he sounded distant.

So now, I KNOW we had a really good time, and the next step is to just sit back and TRUST that he enjoyed it too and will be in touch. If it gets to 4 weeks, I'll send a gentle text, and he soon responds by wanting to meet up. Then the same thing again, except that it feels like he's 'closer' each time.

Okay, i gotta do my zit cream ritual - so take care of yourself and to that aim, at the very least, don't be scared of your situation! I think it could be a really important relationship if you'll let it.
Sorry for the length of the post, I think it also helps me to get things straight in my own head, so thanks for reading, adn I hope its supportive, at least!
Loadsa love

Red Oktober xx

Throw the Running Shoes in the River!
by: Anonymous

Howdy PP,
You’ll need a coffee – its another long one my friend!
How come you manage to make a point that really gets me thinking more clearly about my situation in 1 sentence - and it takes me 250,000 words to do the same?!!! hahaha!

Maybe its because i'm an inexperienced 'forum-poster' that I think I have to write a book each time! - its not something I ever do, but i was googling the whole aqua-scorp thing and when I hit on this site, I couldn't believe how much the comments related to my situation and helped. I learned a lot here and thought I could also add some comments. I'm finding that it does help clear my own head to write about it. Do you?

Here is the strange thing with my situation - I know that this guy won't be leaving his wife for me, and, (a bit like you), i'm not sure if i'd want him to. (You're not the only one with running shoes!!). So I know that getting involved with a married man is a really bad idea because it is potentially destructive to everyone involved and 'the other woman' is always the 'loser' in the situation and also vilified for being the home-wrecker. And 'the other woman' sure does deserve 50% of the full blame for causing SO much hurt to the innocent party - his wife.

Your question "What do you want from him?" has been on my mind a lot (I never asked myself that question before). I'm not in a hurry to find out the answer, but an ideal scenario would be that we get close enough to attain an unshakably solid bond of friendship that gets bigger and transcends any 'relationSHIT'!

I haven't forgotten that we were both manipulated and 'cheated' out of each other 10 years ago. Basically, my "friend" at the time told me wicked lies about Aqua, and told aqua nasty lies about me. None of it was true, but it did create enough doubt in both our minds about each other and broke the fledgeling trust we had. But it was waaaay to soon to have any talks about ow we felt about each other - we just each felt "it". At the time, we were at the stage of being really into each other and, even though we had shared a bed and cuddled all night, we resisted getting more intimate. But we both knew that we wanted to see each other exclusively, and that the very next time, we'd finally get it on. I had told my friend that the next time I saw him, it would be "the" night! We both felt pretty intensely about each other - and totally clicked form the moment aqua and I met. So, it was an exciting time.
...have to continue on the next...

Red





2nd...
by: Anonymous

Imagine if you were at that stage and you & I had trusted and known each other for years, and one day I told you that I met your aqua at a party, and he was all over some girl that turned out to be his girlfriend of 2 years! Imagine if I also secretly told him to be careful not to get hurt, because PP sleeps with anything with a pulse and is currently seeing 2 other guys just for sex. Would you be instantly put off him? Would you both arrange a time to 'discuss it'?! How would you then feel if I made a move on the aqua?! Thats pretty much what happened to me & my Aqua 10 years ago, so, knowing that adds an extra dimension of some kind of 'entitlement' to each other now that we were cheated out of before - does that make sense? He and I never had a conversation about it then, neither had actually done anything to hurt the other and the last time we saw each other 10 years ago, we were really excited about each other and KNEW we were going to go for it and get closer.

Can you imagine the moment where, 10 years later, we met up, instantly felt "it" for each other and then swapped stories about what we had been told - and simultaneously realized that we were lied to? Its an unusual scenario, but it does add an extra dimension to things. I can't make any comments about how his marriage is, because I know nothing about it. I don't know whats going to happen, but I don't want to do any harm (sounds so unbelievable hypocritical, I know). Aqua must be in a head-wreck over seeing me behind his wife's back. I'm sure he won't hurt her. So i think you're right, thats a big part of why he pulls away after we've spent such a perfect time together. For him, having a good time with me is equally a really good thing and a really bad thing. The better it is, the worse it is. An dI;m sure that in the back of his mind, he knows that he'll have to hurt me! I know it too - so, thats why I hope we grow out of massive physical attraction we have for each other and become 'significant' in each others lives in another way. That would be the best practical outcome.

By the way, its not all about physical attraction. He ain't no oil painting, he aged really badly over 10 years and looks OLD! I'm into him for him. Me - the fear thing I mentioned - I got burned on my leg years ago form a hit water pipe and have scars down one side. I also think I'm totally sexy (!), I don't try and hide it, but I kinda wonder what he makes of it sometimes.

gonna continue AGAIN! - sheesh!...

Shoes in the River - part 3!
by: Anonymous

Long story short, I feel like i'm in a canoe heading towards Niagra Falls! Its a real buzz, scary and a MASSIVE drop is gonna come. At the same time though, its mesmerisingly beautiful and so I don't want to steer away. But there will be a time when someone has to go over the Falls. I think its the same for him, but there is a magnetic pull to the Falls that will get only stronger for a while. Time will tell, eh?!

Now, about these running shoes of yours...

Its interesting that you talked about the old aqua friend you had. When he kissed you, all you wanted to do was kiss him back...then ran away. Now, I know you said it was because you didn't want to ruin the friendship etc. - but is that really the whole story? Did fear play a part there, or was it pure logic you applied while you were passionately kissing this guy?! Did you have those running shoes of yours on again that night?! I think it is true that the things we want are 'trust and sureness' in someone, but those are the very things we can't 'manufacture'. The building blocks of trust and feeling secure with/about someone are actually just being yourself and spending time. They build invisibly, and it sounds like you were caught by surprise!

Something keeps making you run when things get close - and its been going on a while! What is it? Why is it? And what a shame! I'd say that if you were SURE you wouldn't get hurt, then you'd be more open to 'opening up' and you'd stick around to find out how it plays out. I suspect that if you were sure about someone, then the 'normal you' would thrive and your confidence would be firing. Thing is though, getting hurt is a normal thing. Its a real life-version of a root canal at the dentist - you gotta have it, but, my god, the paralyzing FEAR of PAIN!. Hurt is where you get your strength from. If you were never challenged, never upset by anything, never forced to 'come though' in times of adversity - then you would remain emotionally 'static' - you'd stay at the same emotional point in your life - and never grow. Its only by growing, getting the mud on your clothes that you get better at the game, grow your own confidence and ultimately get more experienced at knowing how to deal with things. Getting hurt actually pays you later, like the dreaded root canal.

Your aqua taking his time might be a good thing, not a bad thing. And its great that you're not closed off to dating as well. You'll be okay no matter what happens, ya know. If you get closer to aqua, you'll be okay. If you don't, you'll also be just fine. People just have something in themselves they never knew was there that gets them through every hard time - and they come out stronger and a better version of themselves at the other side.

You remind me of a song and a movie! The movie is 'Runaway Bride' with Julia Roberts & Richard Gere! The song is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Throw away your running shoes, they are only slowing you down!

Red xx

Walking shoes
by: P

Red...

I'm sorry for your missed opportunity with your aqua...how come it was something that you guys never discussed? I also noticed that you guys were friends for a couple years before "talking"...? Is that right...if so, it sounds familiar. About him being married, I obviously don't doubt that he enjoys spending time with you, and being that he's married and not to mention an aqua, it surprises me that he sees you so often. It's great for you though and he seems to think so as well. I can also see why the topic of his marriage hasn't been discussed as that would be kind of an awkward thing to talk about. I will say this though, once he begins to open up to you about his marriage, is when he'll truly view you as a friend and someone he can talk to about anything. But at the same time, he may never want to talk about it because you may be his escape from his marriage...if he's not happy in it anyway. I know you say you don't really want to know about it and just want to get to a place where you and him are stable friends, but how will that be reached when there's sex involved? Well one thing I give you credit for is not being deluded about the reality of how most of these situations turn out...not to be offensive. Have you guys tried hanging out/spending time without sex? I know you've stated how you want things to turn out, but I kind of get the feeling that that's just based on how you feel at the moment because you're not really sure. Time will only tell what you truly want for yourself.

Well about my old aqua friend. Yea I guess you could say that I did have my running shoes on at the moment. But quite honestly, I was so thrown back by him kissing me because it was so unexpected! So afterward, I didn't return his calls for like a month or so...not sure how long in reality. When I did call him, he asked me why I kinda left him hanging & I gave him the reason "because our friendship"...and he said "I think you got scared." I think he knew better than I did at the moment because looking back at it now, that probably was the real reason. We managed to stay friends after that incident...as if we never missed a beat. But I will admit that probably a few years later we ended up having sex with each other..haha. But things between us never got serious because around that time I was moving out of state and he just was into other things that he specifically told me that he didn't want a relationship and to not expect one just because we were having sex (like I said..loved the man's honesty). I was ok with just being sexual and friends because I didn't want a relationship either. So I moved and we still kept in touch and that's it.

cont..

Cont...
by: P

As for the reason of my running shoes. It ties back to my parent's divorce and my mother pretty much abandoning the family. I can't sit here and blame her because we have a great relationship now and I'm an adult and make my own decisions about who I am, but I think the fear of abandonment is what drives me to run. For the longest time I was constantly choosing emotionally unavailable men to date even though I wanted and longed for a serious relationship. I was choosing these men unconsciously without knowing it because dating men who are unavailable is really the only way you can avoid commitment. For the longest time I couldn't understand why I kept running into the same men or even being attracted to them...it was like a magnetic pull that I couldn't explain...there was always "there's just something about him." Finally I realized I was the problem and had issues with commitment...that's why I stated earlier I have a problem of wanting what I can't have (ie unavail men) and was trying to figure out if that was the issue in my current case with my aqua. Even though it's a problem I'm aware of, it's still something I'm working on.

As for my aqua..I always asked myself why I didn't give him the time of day in the beginning...and I still wonder if it's because maybe I saw potential in him, I always found a reason to keep him at a distance. But now all of a sudden I'm interested and it seems like he's not...which drives me crazy and makes me wonder if I'm reverting back to dealing with unavailable men. You see my dilemma here...confusing isn't it?! I know at one point he was interested but since he got distant my confidence about it totally faltered. The biggest reason for my thinking this is because he has not even tried to reach out to me in almost 2 months! Even when I txt him the other day...it didn't really seem to spark anything in him. Yea I got a response, but he could have just been trying to be nice and friendly about it. It baffles me that someone who is "interested" could go on that long without even just wanting to reach out and say hi. You see and hear more from your aqua than I do mine...and yours is married! I feel like at this point I really have no choice but to just move on.

To answer your question, it does help to write about it on here. I can see why people keep journals...haha.

You Tube
by: P

Loooved the Youtube link by the way...it's so true!

2 things...
by: Anonymous

After your post, I sure do have another 10,000 words coming, but I just wanted these two things to stand alone:

I sent you the wrong link for the version I should have sent. If I could give you one gift right now, it would be that the female vocalist in the song is .... You, singing to Yourself. You'll know exactly the lines I mean. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ&feature=related

You are brilliant, brave, strong, resilient and clearly very intelligent. That means you have a bigger armory than most and you will always always come through anything. You might be 'hurtable', but you are also unbreakable.

I hope you sleep the sleep of the innocent tonight and always. XX

Thx
by: P

I've actually heard that song before. Have you ever seen the movie Romeo & Juliet, the one with Leo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. It's from the scene where they're getting married in the church and believe it or not, it's actually a boy singing that part. Nonetheless, it's still beautiful.

Thanks for your encouraging words. Even though they're from a complete stranger, they still mean a lot...so thank you.

Hope you sleep/slept well.

Dancing Shoes 1
by: Anonymous

Hey P,

I was a little blown away by your post - you've have had a powerful influence on how you view 'certainty' in people, but your attitude is a massive massive credit to you, it really is. And I'm glad to her that you have a great relationship with your mother. The more I hear from you, the more I think you can handle anything - you really can - you've already come through so much already.

You also seem to have an acute awareness about 'why' you apply distance, shyness and self-protection with Aqua. I think if you build the friendship with openness, and a relationship develops and falters, then you will always have a good friendship - and it won't hurt anything like you've already experienced - plus, he'll still be in your life. Its entirely possible to work it into a 'no-lose' situation.

If he goes too long without calling, no harm to text a 'hi'. It won't come back to hurt you, and he also needs some encouragement, so that he knows he won't get knocked-back.
Its rarely harmful to open up to people - unless his name is Hannibal Lector, of course!

I went out on saturday night with an old co-worker i hadn't seen for years. It was a good reminder of normality! In catching up, i was reminded that there other people that i should focus on besides the aqua! So, i'm going for a better balance, but i'm pretty sure that we like each other a lot and for the immediate future, I'm also confident that we'll have a good time this week. When he goes quiet on me again, i'm making sure that i'll also be busy with other friends as well. It goes in waves for me too, but increasingly less so, and its being replaced with more of a 'comfortableness'.
Before i 'changed strategy' and decided to just believe what he says at face value, and focus on making sure we have a good experience when see each other, spending time with other friends - and actually talking it through with you - its all so much less of a dance and I have more confidence in the friendship.

continued..


Dancing Shoes 2
by: Anonymous

Just to answer your question about why aqua & me never talked about things first time around - it was just a big big mistake not to communicate, simple as that - we handled it badly and lost out badly. We hadn't known each other for long - just a matter of a few electric dates where, without hesitation, we literally met, starting talking and didn't stop until the abrupt mutual silence that we both implemented. I think you're right, that it is definitely awkward to talk to me about his marriage. He is probably still wondering about his own behavior. Again, this is one for time to sort out! A strange dance indeed!

You know when people give up smoking, or go on a diet - the big benefits of being smoke free and losing weight are obvious - and will feel great. But still - smokers go crazy and reach for the cigarettes, and dieters just snap and go for the cookie jar. I was reading that the reason that smokers and dieters fail is that they mentally associate 'pain and negatives' with their endevors and lose sight of the overwhelming positives. The ones that succeed mentally associate 'pleasure & positives' with quitting/dieting. I was reading about that recently and wondered if the same principle would work with your Aqua. Just a thought! From everything you say, he is into you and wants to get to know you better. you want the same from him - so...... it could be great if you'd let it! You play it cool already, so it won't be perceived as a grasping gesture for you to ask him out.

This is what you said ... "Yea I got a response, but he could have just been trying to be nice and friendly about it. " If that is what he was doing, then thats actually a bloody good thing, isn't it?! I know what you mean, like he didn't drop more of 'a signal' - but he doesn't now where he stands with you right now, so his response was an appropriate one. I dare you to ask him out. Double dare ya. Just like i know that a conversation with my Aqua all those years ago would have clarified a lot of crucial issues, I think it'd help you both to hook up and hang out. Please don't let 10 years go by before you realize you really did have something!

Ok, you have other goals going on as well, other friends and family to keep a good balance of things - thats important. My only 2 questions to you would be:

1) What could you potentially lose by texting him and asking if he'd like to hang out?
2) What could you potentially lose by NOT doing so?

Listen, I'm doing my best not to do a 50,000 word preach! I am 42, so I've been in your shoes and made a big mistake that I only realized 10 years later - I'd hate for a similar 'lack of communication' to rob you of what looks like at the very least, a great friendship. Plus, its a good way of getting some control back on the situation. Just stuff to think about.

Thanks so much for your comments - you're good at 'getting to it' and thinking clearly for me over a couple of things, and I appreciate it! Take care PP!

Red xx

???
by: Anonymous

Red...

I see the points that you are trying to make and they are valid. However, I'm confused as to why you would think he's trying to get a feel of where I stand...I don't see that at all in our situation. He said he was "busy" and that's why he couldn't make time for me...pretty simple. I'm honestly beginning to believe he might have just been trying to let me down easy...hoping I would walk away. Hear me out before you start thinking I'm just being negative.

Before all this turned messy, he had no problem reaching out to me, he had no problem finding time to see me, and he didn't have any problem communicating with me. Why all of a sudden now it's different...? Yea he could be busy, but if you really like someone...you make time for them or at least try and stay in contact in some small way. He has done absolutely nothing. Do I think at one point he was interested and did like me...yea I honestly do. Do I know if he still does...no, I really couldn't tell you. Sure people need distance...it's not just an aqua thing, but no one would be stupid enough to keep someone they like at bay for 2 months without a word, especially when you're just beginning to bond with them...not to mention potentially allowing some other person to sweep in and steal the person away.

Sure we can be friends...but that doesn't mean I need to make an effort to keep in contact with him to maintain that friendship...it'll be what ever it is from here on out. Plus, to try and maintain a friendship when deep inside I was hoping it would turn into something else is only torturing myself as of now. Maybe when all feelings are lost can I go back to caring about being his friend. I say this without any bitterness as well.

This type of relationship/communication I got with him right now is something to just settle for...and I don't want to settle. I'm young and have been single for a long time...and I'm not talking just a couple years. That's not a habit that I'm trying to continue, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and think about me the way I think about them. I'm not getting that here...from him. It's sad I know...but I have to be fair with myself. Yea I care about him...I got to know him, how could I not after what he was willing to share with me about his life....he just couldn't make me a part of it is all.

cont..

Cont...
by: Anonymous

I don't know what else to say or do about it anymore other than to let it go. I really do see the messages you were trying to convey and they are all worth considering...however, I think my aqua is the wrong person to apply it to. I'm not going to ask him for his time...because I think it would mean more if he asked me for my time. He's done it before, even when I was reluctant to give in...so he should have no problem doing it again, now that he knows I'm here. But...it's not something I'm gonna hope for anymore.

Sorry about all the rambling...I think I just needed to see the words in front of me instead of them being all in my head.

Well I'm glad that you've been able to find some balance with your aqua and what you want...balance is a good thing, so is having your own life. It always feels good to have a busy calendar. Even though I won't have anything to report on here anymore...I'm still going to stick around and stay in touch. Thanks for all the advice!

7,000+
by: Red Oktober

Lots to say to you! I've just clocked up about 7,000 words - and I haven't even finished yet! I'm gonna post it up later this eve.

Red xx

7000 + 2
by: Anonymous

Man - I could have written EXACTLY the same post as you a maybe 8 months ago - I would have shared every single sentiment!! The evidence in front of me was clear as day. If you are thinking about someone, and you like them and want to spend time - then why in hell go off the radar for 2-3 months and not contact them at all? A clear case of ‘not interested’, right?! And theres no point making an idiot of myself chasing someone who doesn’t want to be chased.

Actually, other people weren't helping by saying stuff like "I'm sure he likes you...once he's realized he's missing you, he'll call... (yeah, i know, P - pass the sick bag!). I'm sure you know the kind of well-meaning shit people say, just to try and save you from the harsh reality that you've probably been quietly and cowardly dumped. Or, they have some other stupid reason for trying to get you to flog the dead horse of a 'man situation', when we KNOW, for 100% sure that he ain't interested. The comments you get from people who just don't 'get' how the whole thing makes you feel like shit, are just irritating! However, we are self-respecting women who don't have the time nor the patience for some muddle-head who doesn't know what he wants. And, we ain't the kind of women who would sit around in a head-wreck for too long waiting for him to come around, cos we're genuinely better than that - right? Too true!

Freaky. In fact, I gave up on the Aqua for exactly the same reasons. In fact – I also though he was just he wrong man for me to pay any attention to. The whole thing had been resigned to memory and experience and I had moved on, even though I still didn't understand what had 'gone wrong' in the first place. Actually, it was pretty easy to get over it, cos I was annoyed for the way he chased me, then dropped all contact when things got close. Aqua or not, at the very least it is just plain bad manners, and more besides. And, its extra insulting to have been 'intimate' with someone, then you don't hear from them again. (Never had that before, so my ego took a bruising too!)

continues.....

7000+ 3
by: Red Oktober

So when you say:
'How could he be getting a feel for where we stand? He never had a problem reaching out to me before, it was him who pursued me, and now he has plenty of time to see me and doesn't bother - simple.' - I totally get it. None of what you said sounded “negative” at all - just realistic. So, given what you’ve just posted, I can see how you’d view my advice to “ask him out” – ie. ‘big fat NO!’ Fair enough.

Before I ever posted, I did read through other posters' stories, and even though others were advised to be patient, aquas need thinking time etc. - two things struck me. (1) That I was being advised to take a doormat role, and wait for him to come around. and (2) All the talk of "he'll come back to you..." really didn't apply to my situation – by that stage i didn’t want him to, I was over it.

So, it seems doubly strange that I've been saying all the things I've been saying to you recently about being 'close, comfortable, heading for the Rapids...'. etc. So what happened? Well, I pretty much forgot all about the idea of him and me and moved on. Then I got 2 texts after nearly 3 months of no contact. They arrived one after the other at 3am, they were glib, charming and pretty apologetic, but asked me if I would like to meet up. Actually, I found it a bit insulting. I thought he was obviously up drinking and fired off a drunken text (even if it was grammatically perfect!) I didn't even read the messages til the next afternoon. I didn't have anything to say, so I didn't reply. But then, a couple of days later, I'm not sure why, but I did send a reply, just to say "That must have been a good drinking session the other night." He sent one back, but again, I didn't reply, just because I couldn't be bothered and had already lost interest in the 'games'.

...CONTINUES...

next part....
by: Anonymous

He texted again a couple of days later asking to meet up. I didn't see the point, so again, I didn't reply. But the next day, I thought, 'Right, I need to deal with this for once and for all." So I texted back and arranged to meet. My intention was to basically leave it nicely and just tell him that I did have feelings for him, it ain't cool to sleep with someone and then disappear, and it feels too awkward for me to text him to meet up, because he is married, adn I don;’t wanna operate the whole ‘silence’ thing. I also planned to ask him why he cheated on his wife with me, and to let him know that it doesn't do either his wife, me or himself any favors by behaving like that. I had both barrels lined up!

So then we met up, and I had pre-planned how it was gonna go - I'd keep it nice, but also let him know that I wasn't impressed & that even being friends was kinda strange, because I found him difficult to call & speak freely to (and thats not how friendships are!) and that I wouldn't be sleeping with him again. So he arrived. Obviously, I ain't gonna just hit him with this, first comes 'come in, how are you, have a glass of wine, what you been up to...’ etc. Then bring the subject up 'at the right time', say it nicely and leave it nicely. What actually happened was that we started talking and got onto one subject and discussed the hell out of it. Then it just led to a good talk about all sorts of things, and it actually just drove itself into being a really enjoyable time. And despite all my planning and speech-rehearsing, when it came to it, none of it seemed that relevant. I was distracted by what was ACTUALLY going, and not driven by what I PLANNED was gonna happen. I just enjoyed the time, kicked him out at 4am without sleeping with him, with no expectation or particular desire to see him again. My 'plan' was still very much in place and I wasn't bothered about having a relationship, messing around with 'will he call me?!' shit and all that. So I left it at that but got a text a few weeks later - we met up again & the same thing happened - with me still having the same mindset. I wasn;t calling at all, but he was, but it wasn’t a problem for me – emotionally, or otherwise.

more comin...

more more more...!!
by: Anonymous

So, here’s what happened - as soon as I dropped all ideas of having a relationship with him, one started happening anyway! Thats despite all the stuff my rational head was coming up with and the things I was sure about. I still don’t get how that really works, except, that the biggest difference was the removal of any emotional pressure, no attachment to outcomes and therefore the freedom to just enjoy each other. Hey, whats strange is that there are echoes of your old Aqua buddy in that. You said you knew “for sure” that neither of you had any designs on a relationship, and that you were freely showing him “niceness and friendship” – then BAM! The lips locked outta “nowhere”!
Now that you’ve opened up more, it kinda makes sense to me that you were just being yourself with this guy, with no agendas. Your current Aqua situation seems the complete opposite – with doubts & insecurity on both sides, each about the other. I think that ‘Certainty’ is a priority for you when it comes to people. If you are ‘certain’ that you won’t/can’t get hurt by someone, then you’re free to be yourself with them. The very nature of relationships/intimacy/closeness etc. all about a leap of faith, trust, exposure and .... pure lack of certainty.



I'm also aware that we can go nuts on analysis - but, please bear with me, even if you think i’m over-stepping boundaries. And... even though I want to ‘fire off’ another perspective to you, you obviously know what the truth of the matter is.

So now i have to go out - thats without getting to the stuff that I think is directly relevant to you. Sorry about disappearing, but I'll finish this off later if my guest leaves, or tomorrow if we end up having a bottle of wine!.

Red xx

*****
by: Anonymous

Red...

I'm glad that you can see things from my perspective because that's exactly how I'm thinking at the moment. I'm glad that you shared some of your story though...I can now see how and why our situations are similar. Although I would guess that the whole reason your aqua disappeared for those 3 months was because he just cheated on his wife and probably had to figure out what the hell just happened.

You make very valid points regarding me needing some sort of certainty when I go into a relationship...that's something that I've never thought about.

However, my position regarding my aqua hasn't changed. I woke up this morning and for the first time in a while, felt and remembered what my life was like before me and him. It actually felt really good I have to say, and it felt right. I want it to continue this way.

;o)
by: Anonymous

Just a quick one before my work day kicks in....

There was a nice calmness about your post, I'm happy to hear that you feel you have it straight in your own mind. It must feel like you have clarity and control back. Good! good! good!, its great that things feel 'normal' for you again.

You also did that thing again (!) where you cut to it in one sentence - "your aqua disappeared to figure out what the hell just happened." That seems so logical, and yet, I went over every detail again and again to try and figure out what the 'distance-trigger' was. Duh. Thanks!

Last night I had a friend over and as expected, had a good laugh and reminder about the easy things that are just plain fun. Actually, most of my friends are men - partly because of my work environment (i'm in business). So, a lot of the perspectives I get about how men think come directly from the straight-talking close male friends I have - who all agree on these things. I find it interesting to talk to them about why men don't call etc. Their answers can be astonishingly blunt, and not really what I want to hear, but I get a lot of value from those talks. Quick example from last night...

When asked why men don't call after they've spent a great night with a woman... the exact response was..

"Oh fucking hell - you should never call her too quickly. She'll just think you love them or something, and next thing, they'll be wanting you to sort all their problems out - thats why women want men, just to sort their problems out. If I get one sniff of desperation, its the red card, I'm afraid."

("red card" is a football term that means that a player is immediately sent off the playing field for committing a serious breach of rules.)

Like I said, astonishing! Thought you might get a laugh form that!

Take it easy - I'll be seeing Aqua tomorrow night, so I'll check in. Thanks again for the pinpoint-precision comment - small comment, big impact!

XX




;o)
by: Anonymous

Just a quick one before my work day kicks in....

There was a nice calmness about your post, I'm happy to hear that you feel you have it straight in your own mind. It must feel like you have clarity and control back. Good! good! good!, its great that things feel 'normal' for you again.

You also did that thing again (!) where you cut to it in one sentence - "your aqua disappeared to figure out what the hell just happened." That seems so logical, and yet, I went over every detail again and again to try and figure out what the 'distance-trigger' was. Duh. Thanks!

Last night I had a friend over and as expected, had a good laugh and reminder about the easy things that are just plain fun. Actually, most of my friends are men - partly because of my work environment (i'm in business). So, a lot of the perspectives I get about how men think come directly from the straight-talking close male friends I have - who all agree on these things. I find it interesting to talk to them about why men don't call etc. Their answers can be astonishingly blunt, and not really what I want to hear, but I get a lot of value from those talks. Quick example from last night...

When asked why men don't call after they've spent a great night with a woman... the exact response was..

"Oh fucking hell - you should never call her too quickly. She'll just think you love them or something, and next thing, they'll be wanting you to sort all their problems out - thats why women want men, just to sort their problems out. If I get one sniff of desperation, its the red card, I'm afraid."

("red card" is a football term that means that a player is immediately sent off the playing field for committing a serious breach of rules.)

Like I said, astonishing! Thought you might get a laugh from that!

Take it easy - I'll be seeing Aqua tomorrow night, so I'll check in. Thanks again for the pinpoint-precision comment - small comment, big impact!

XX




:)
by: Anonymous

Red...

Men are so funny. I'm around my older brother's friends a lot and you wouldn't believe some of the shit they say about women. I know one unanimous agreement among them all is clinginess being a definite turnoff, but for some reason they still what to feel needed in a small way. It's so funny because my brother's friend txt me the other day & said "Hope your having a good day, miss you :)" I was actually taken back by it a little because it's something he has never done before and I don't know what would make him think to even do that. I didn't know what to say so I just wrote "I am...thanks foo" haha. I didn't even acknowledge his "miss you" because I didn't want him to think I missed him too. It was all so weird I just didn't even know how to respond, but I didn't want to be rude because I like him as my brother's friend. And no there is no potential there like I'm sure you might be thinking. Not to be mean or anything...he's a nice guy and all, but he's somewhat of a loser, not to mention my brother's friend/roommate. A definite no no situation. But it was still thoughtful and sweet of him I must say.

My coworker is talking to an aqua...or I should say WAS talking to an aqua (go figure), she's also an aqua herself. I say WAS because they obviously no longer are. They talked and hung out a few times and she was starting to really like him. He stated he was looking for a girlfriend and wanted to settle down...so this of course spiked her interest even more. Well he went out of town and came back, then accused her of playing hard to get. She asked him what he meant by that, he stated that she never wanted to do anything sexual when they were together and that if she was looking for something serious, then they were on two different pages! She brought up all the talk he threw out of him wanting a girlfriend and so on. He stated he just wants something casual and he's thinking about moving so it wouldn't be fair to start something serious now. She asked me if this was his way of trying to get distance. I told her..."Honey I think he's just being honest and you should take it for what it is. If he was serious about you, he wouldn't risk pushing you away by telling you he just wants sex." Needless to say she was heartbroken. I told her I would trade places with her in a minute because at least she got a very honest answer and some sort of closure, and isn't left wondering. But talk about brutal honesty from an aqua! Reminds me of my old friend haha.

cont

Cont
by: Anonymous

As you can see honesty is very important to me...so much so, it's a complete deal breaker for me if someone is not. Even though it probably wouldn't be something I was hoping to hear, I would still have respect for my coworkers aqua even after he told me that. He gave her the option to stay or leave, and some men don't give that courtesy and will just try to get what they want regardless. Even though he comes off as a total douche bag for just wanting to use her for sex, he at least provided her with a clear way out knowing there was a possibility he wasn't going to get what he wanted.

Yes I am a lot calmer and probably just more accepting of where things are now. I feel the connection for my aqua isn't there anymore, and it's turned into my ego just needing reassurance.

I'm excited for your meeting with your aqua. I'm curious if any new developments will happen.

Sorry for the rambling!

PERVERT ISSUES
by: Anonymous

Hi P,

This is quite a selfish post! I just love the friend who came over - he serves it just like it is, and he never fails to shock me.

Hey, maybe you can just help me with a perspective on something unrelated to what we've been discussing. I'd be interested to hear how you'd handle this...

I have a friend - my old lawyer - and since the last 8 years, we meet up once a month or so and have dinner in town and a gossip catch-up. He's married, has grown up children, is an old man (!) & a grandfather, is very very short, rather unfortunate looking, but has always been good for an entertaining catch-up. He divorced a couple of years ago, and suffered from depression, so there were a few gaps in contact. He then lost his business and his depression became very much a constant. He wasn't so entertaining after that, but we'd still meet up to shoot the shit every few months.

So, I met him recently, after not socializing for a few months. Half way through dinner, his behavior took a strange turn. There were a few people around that I had been having friendly banter with, and the lawyer suddenly started acting like he was ...yuk, i can barely say it!... well, acting as though he were my 'boyfriend'. Grossly inappropriate, and not to put to fine a point on it, I'm really out of his league, and not just because of his age. I know I told you I was 42, but I'm more of a Halle Berry than a Barbara Walters and not what I'd consider 'old'! The first thing I noticed is that while I was chatting to a couple of guys, he came up behind me and without warning, threw his pudgy little arms around me from behind and tried to cling on - I just thought "what the fuck is he doing??????!!!". So, I'm not going to shout at a depressed old friend in front of people, but actually, it was really horrible. So later, when we left the restaurant to go our separate ways, he did his level best to lunge and kiss me on the lips. (feel sick even thinking about it). I was a bit shocked and saw a cab, just as I pulled away from him. I jumped in the cab and was outta there before I had any chance of addressing his behavior. So, 3 weeks later, I got a voice message from him where he is speaking in a creepy way - like he's talking to a 'girlfriend' - he even ended the message with "I love you". Yuk yuk yuk! Its been grossing me out ever since.

sorry there is a it more of this to come....

perv 2
by: Anonymous

We have NEVER ever had any touchy feely shit - not of any kind. Its always been a relatively 'genteel' dynamic, and never any hint that I would be 'that way' interested in a short fat grandad type. He always talks about his grown up kids and raves about the grandkids. Also, most of the time we did dinner, I was living with my then boyfriend. So, no, no, no!
He did a lot of lawyering for me years ago and we became pals, but even though he went a bit depressively downhill when his marriage & business broke up, I obviously was't going to just drop him, I thought he'd appreciate the 'normality' of the gossip dinners. We've never been to each other's homes, we never phone each other for talks, we don't speak, only to arrange a 'catch-up' in good restaurant.

My theory of his sudden weird, inappropriate and unwanted behavior is that it is somehow a mental issue that is related to his depression. Either way, i'm mad as hell and I feel like giving him both barrels about how unhappy I am that he crossed a line.

So here's what I'm interested in your view on... would you take into account that he may have a mental issue - or just tear his head off for being such a grubby little perv?! You seem like a take-no-shit kinda person, so I got a feeling that you'd handle it brilliantly, so any thoughts on this would be appreciated!

X Red!

shudda posted this first!
by: Anonymous

Your brother's friend's 'text with no context' is funny. I guess only he knows what that is about! Ignoring an advance is a great way of getting your point home!
The coworker's aqua sounds like a tosser! Accusing someone of "playing hard to get" is quite telling. It sounds like he just changed his mind, but rather than admit it, he dealt with it by making out that SHE was somehow at fault, so that he gets 'an escape' from what he had already told her. A neat and common little way of avoiding responsibility and a great way of separating the jerks from the boys. She got a lucky escape, I think. I'm impressed with your reading of that situation, because it is a very unpopular female viewpoint. Most would just call him a bastard because they don't like what he said. Good advice you gave her!

Hey, I'm not gonna mention your Aqua, but given what happened in my situation, I'm quietly curious. One thing is for sure though, because I had already gotten to the point where you are with it, the whole initial confusion & whatever was driving me nuts, won't happen again. I'm loving it at the moment, but I also think I have a certain 'immunity' now to any messing around.
Quick question - there are definitely many similarities with our aqua situations, and they are shared by other posters as well. Do you believe that all these similar/identical scenarios are really explained by astrology? Hmmm.

Stay Well !

X Red

Hmmm...
by: Anonymous

Red...

That sounds like something I've been thru before, but with a pastor of a church who was married!! Yuck! Anyway, I guess it really just depends on how much you see this person in your future. You can take the 'nice' approach and just sit him down and ask what's going on with him and if everything is ok because he's been acting kind of weird lately (his weird behavior being that he's crossing the line with you). If he admits there is (starts rambling about his depression) then say "Yea I thought something was off because I thought we were just friends and want to keep it that way, but your behavior seemed like you had something else in mind, but I didn't take it personally because I knew you might be going thru some things." If he says no that everything is fine...you could say "Ok because your behavior hasn't been 'normal' for us and I didn't want to take it personally because I thought we were just friends and I knew you wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that." I don't know if that helps or not...either way you're going to have to be pretty direct that friends is all you want to be. Or you can just avoid physical contact with him until he gets the hint and just keep communication with him short and friendly until you sense he's over it.

As for the astrology question...I'm not sure if EVERYTHING can be based on astrology. I wonder that as well...but I also wonder if we just notice the similarities in mine/yours/other posters situations because we all came to the same place looking for answers. If things were working out with our aquas we probably wouldn't have felt a need to come online and share our stories. So I don't know if it's an astrology thing, or just a thing that posters on here have in common...does that make sense? If you're talking about certain traits..yea I somewhat think that astrology is true, but I also think there are exceptions. Like I've meet non-clingy cancers, and non-adventerous sags. I also think men and women differ in which traits they're "suppose" to possess for their sign. I also know that you can't base everything on your sun sign, but your moon sign, ascendent, and other planet signs have a lot to do with your personality. For example, I have sag in my ascendent and 3 other planets in my chart...which probably explains my need and appreciation for freedom. But who really knows.....??

cont

Cont...
by: Anonymous

One thing I did want to share was I had a best friend who was an aqua (female). She was the one who got me into astrology too. Well she was talking to this gemini and I remember she use to play these games with him. Like if they had plans to go to the movies, she would cancel and for no good reason. I would ask her why she would do that and she stated she didn't know why. Sometimes she would purposely go for months without speaking to him just because, but she always seemed to know the exact amount of time they've gone without talking. I asked if she was worried about losing him or pushing him away by not being available to him and she stated it's not something she really thinks about. Finally she admitted that the reason she was doing all those things was because she was scared and that she knew if they always found their way back to each other than it was real, and something must be there between them. So essentially she was just testing what they had and during her months of not contacting him, she was testing to see how long it took for him to breakdown and call her. She use to tell me that she (aquas) care so much, that it makes them NOT care. I know this isn't info that you can apply to every aqua or situation, or even men for that matter because I highly doubt men will go thru all this bs. But it's interesting to note the disappearances and unpredictability in her behavior that aquas are known for.

Hey!
by: Red Oktober

The pastor of a church?! Ew, gross. i was gonna say its worse - but with that kind of crap, they are al as bad as each other.

Great advice though - it feels like the perfect way to handle it - thanks for that, I couldn't get passed angry about it, so great, I can deal with it now. And, because its under the guise of a 'caring' approach, I can still tear his pudgy head off a bit!
With this guy, his life has basically gone down the toilet and his depression issues mean that he probably values the friendship more than I do now. His behavior is a real no-no for me.

I've only a basic understanding about astrology, but everything i've read is uncannily accurate. Your insight into Aqua behavior is interesting and fits the profile! I think a BIG problem in relationships has to do with individual self-esteem, and how it manifests.

I had a perfect perfect time with Aquaman & he'd say the same, yet another step of being more open and comfortable. The better it is, the worse it is! I still don't expect to hear from him for a month (!), but then, it does tend to be a very intense meeting each time. Time will tell, huh?!

Listen, thanks again for the advice, its really helpful. I quite like checking in and shooting the breeze, so I'll catch you later.

Red xx


:)
by: Anonymous

Red...

It's seems like you had a great time with your aqua. That's great to hear :)

Update!
by: Red Oktober

Hi PP,

Things took an unusual turn, so I thought I'd just check in and update you. Me n Aqua had a simply beautiful time the other nite, and in the morning, he was fairly quiet and then left. Usual story! i didn't expect to hear from him for another month, but then that night, he phoned and asked to come over again, saying that the previous evening felt so good that he just wanted to be around me some more. Funny, i was thinking about him and missing him when he called.
It was a really unusual thing for him to do, but he came over and from the moment he walked in, he was completely emotionally open, told me about his feelings about the previous night, the effect I had on him etc. He emphasized that it was nothing to do with sex, and that he hadn't come back for that - t totally took me by surprise. We stayed up and talked for hours and then went to bed - where we stayed (non-sexual) for the next 16 hours until it was dark the next day!

Then he suddenly got up and left, very quickly! I'm really shocked about how it panned out - and that he suddenly wanted to talk about his feelings. When he was here, it was as though 'things' progressed to a closer, more trusting and open level. So - I'm dying to see what happens next - whether he'll do the usual silence thing for a few weeks, or whether he behaves differently now. There is definitely a lot more to get our heads around now and the situation has become 'different'.

I actually don't know what to make of it, but it was very unexpected - very romantic (and thats an alien concept to a scorp like me!). So, all very confusing now!

Just thought I'd share and I hope you don't mind the mushy nature of the post! Hope alls well with you.

RedXX






Hmmm...
by: Anonymous

Red...

That's very interesting and unusual. I can see why you would be confused. I'm not really sure what triggered him to do that, but it could be multiple things. Maybe a fight with his wife or maybe he has started to develop feelings for you and wanted to come back and see if it was real, or what would happen if he opened himself up more...how it would make him feel to do that. I would guess that the reason he up and left so quickly was more so he probably just had to hurry and get home. It's kind of intriguing and exciting wouldn't you say? I would just wait it out...give him some time to get his head straight. Don't change things up from how they were before...I think that's where and why aquas might get all freaked out and distant after getting emotionally close to someone. They don't want things to change because of it.

On a flip note...I too heard from my aqua, although it was my initiation. I wasn't going to mention it because it didn't seem all that important, but since you shared I'll share. I was at a memorial service for a friend that past away and it just got me thinking about the people in my life, and what's really important...and how there are ways about myself that I need to change. Well I text him because I wanted to see how he was doing. So the convo pretty much went like this...

Me: Hey how are you?
Him: Hey. What's going on?
Me: Nothin much. What's new with you? How's football going?
Him: Nothin much. Football is good. The team I coach is undefeated and I started school again.
Me: Really how exciting! & I'm really glad you got back into school. How much longer you got?
Him: I got one more class and then online shit and student teaching. What's been up with you?
Me: That's good you'll be grateful that you finally got it outta the way. I've just been dealing with school & work. Some personal things also. But glad to hear you're doing well.
Him: Yup good to hear from you. If you ever need to talk I have a good ear. Just sayin...
Me: I don't know that I can talk about it. I'm dealing with a death of a friend so it's kinda hard. Thank you tho..means a lot.
Him: Yup. Sorry to hear that. That is tough.
Me: Yea. But just wanted to make sure you was ok, which you seem to be.
Him: Yea I'm pretty even keel, I'm usually doing alright.
Me: Good to hear
Him: It's really good to hear from you.
Me: Good to hear from you too.

That's pretty much it...and I have to tell you I felt such a sense of relief you wouldn't imagine. My mind still hasn't changed about me and him...I'm still moving forward, but it felt good to know that I still had him as a friend. I feel like I can go back to interacting with him before things got to be complicated...when I just didn't care what was going to happen.

Hmmm.
by: Anonymous

Hi PP,

I'm sorry to hear that you lost a friend - thats just a horrible horrible thing in every way. Tough time indeed.

I'm surprised that you found the opportunity to make some comments about my situation - thank-you - 'cos as usual, it makes perfect and clear sense and has helped me a lot by bypassing the 'over-thinking' thing.

Well - you also felt right about contacting your Aqua friend too - I'm glad, it seemed to be left a little angry before you 'accepted' it. I tell ya this - miscommunication and lack of communication can be destructive, so I'm relieved to hear that you feel good about contacting him, but its still on your terms. It sounds as if you really helped him to see it more clearly as well, if he was confused about where you both stood.

Actually, I am so pleased you lost that weighty feeling of wondering what he thinks, where its all going, what it all means etc - it is crazy-making stuff and neither of you have any answers. No point in that! If you're feeling a 'calmness' about things just as they are, then its good! I did too, and things suddenly became so much easier.

In my situation, I was confused by it on the day, but I'm taking your advice and treating the situation the same as before, which is easy enough to do. I'm sure he needs to go chew it over in his own way before he works out what happened. Interestingly on the night, he managed to tell me exactly what my last words were to him 10 years ago. Word for word! I was a little blown away that he remembered that, because even though I remember it too, it was something pretty ordinary and throwaway, not deep and meaningful and memorable!

I think things are going to get interesting, so if you're up for reading, I'm up for posting!

I don't want to say too much about you and your Aqua friend, but I'm glad it feels 'lighter' and right now. Also, I have a feeling that its gonna run and run - regardless of the outcome. There is so much warmth and affection in your conversation, even if it did start off a bit cautious!

I'm sorry again to her about your friend. You stay well, you!

Red xx

Thoughts
by: Anonymous

Red...

Thanks for the support. About my friend...he passed about a month ago, but unfortunately a lot of us here weren't able to attend his funeral because his parents don't live here and obviously they wanted to bury him at home. But this past weekend we held our own memorial service here, and his parents and brothers attended. It was hard then...but it's better now.

About your situation - I'm not surprised that he remembered things from so long ago. I hear that aquas are known for remembering the smallest most insignificant things that you think they are not paying attention to. But yea, I would give him time...but also keep things 'normal' so to speak. So if it was your habit to contact him a month after seeing him last, then do the same. You'll get a feel from his response during that time if he needs more space. You won't really know what his trigger was to act that way unless he speaks on it, so try not to analyze that too much. As long as you made things fun for him while there, which you seem to make sure of, I'm sure things will turn out ok. But I'm always up for reading what's going on...oddly this site has helped me a lot.

My situation - I still feel relieved and happy about my decision to contact him. I think what makes it so reassuring is the fact that he offered to be there for me and before I even mentioned my friend. That is what really jolted me back into what mattered...and I realized he'll always be there as long as I allow him to be, even if it's just as a friend. So yes I am calm and I've come to realize that I'm actually glad for this little 'break' we had, because I need to get to know him better as a friend and as a person. It's funny that you bring up miscommunication or misunderstandings because I was thinking the same exact thing. I plan on trying to see him within the next couple weeks or so to see if he'll make good on lending me his ear.

weds
by: Anonymous

Hey there,

I like writing to you here - its turned into an interesting little hidden cave of a 'safe' place to agonize, analyze, verbalize. Also, both being in Aqua/Scorp situations, and perhaps with a little measure of co-incidence also, there seems like a nice 'commonality' we share. But hey, thats also just he way old crocs talk!! If you think that we have echoes of similarity, then this could be the closest you get to having a conversation with yourself in 20 years – and vice versa! Whoah, this has started a little freaky!

Hey You! If Aqua lends you his ear, then make good use of it! Open up, its perfectly safe to tell him whatever you want. Nothing bad will happen, you won't put him off, he ain't going anywhere - and actually, I think you'll be doing him a disservice not to feel like you can talk freely to him. Forgive my 'analyzing' tendencies, but the more you open, the stronger the friendship will become, and the more you allow him to care. Put crudely, it gives him something to go on. Silence & absence are just confusing and maybe even destructive. And you know what...(yikes, sorry to say it...) but I think you owe it to him to stand still and not run. If it sounds a little like a wagging finger of blame - well, its intended! You hit it right on when you said "..HE'LL ALWAYS BE THERE AS LONG AS I ALLOW HIM TO BE". And it doesn't sound as though you have always "allowed" him to get to know you better. Here endeth the sermon.

I think that you guys are ready for a dose of trust & confidence, which means simply spending a bit of time together. I suspect that you'll just have a really lovely time when you get together next.

There seems to be a common thread with these aqua/scorp situations where if it goes too long with no contact, BOTH are affected by it, missing the contact and increasingly, not knowing where each person stands. Nobody likes to risk rejection, so the 'stand-off' goes on. But then, when there is contact, it is grabbed with both hands and appreciated! Its all an interesting ride though! I'm wishing that you just 'trust' it.







WEDS...2
by: Anonymous

When my aqua (finally) left, I had friends from the country coming to stay within a few hours. So, next thing, they were there, one left and another friend came over as well. Bottom line, I haven't had proper sleep for a few days, so wasn't thinking clearly about what happened with my Aqua. I suspect that my 'secret mission' to create a 'perfect experience' for him actually worked a little too well !! Hence him coming over again. I didn't quite know how to put it in my post before (I was still processing it myself!), but he actually used the L word. Yikes and double yikes! The context was him turning up again and trying to explain why he came back - pretty much word for word, he said "...Is it ok to be here? Its that last night was just so so nice, and I didn't want to leave- I just didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay with you. You always show me so much love and its so so nice and I just wanted to be around you again. Its not about sex, I didn't come here for that, I just wanted to be with you."

I think its interesting how he used the L word - ie. that he feels that he gets it from me. Its also interesting that after the first morning, to me, it looked like he couldn't get outta there quick enough. Funny the huge difference between how people act and how they actually feel. Like acting the opposite to how you feel. I suppose we all do it.

The next bit is pretty mushy, so apologies! The thing about my Aqua situation is that connection that we made 10 years ago is really at the fore now. Looking back on it now with hindsight, it was about as 'perfect' as a boy-meets-girl situation could be. I use the word perfect, because we simply didn't have enough time together to fuck it up! And because it was. When we first met as complete strangers (in a very big crowd of maybe 40,000 people!), I didn't feel a sexual attraction to him at all, but nonetheless, we were like magnets. We paid no attention to our surroundings and it was as though we just 'got' each other when we met, there was no hesitation about swapping numbers at the end of the night, we thought about each other constantly for the two days until we met up again. Again, we were happy to tell each other that when we did meet.


weds...3
by: Anonymous

We met twice again and it was intensely nice - we were pretty insatiable for each other's presence - not sex!. The last night we met, we went to bed together (but didn't have sex - (not even any of Bill Clinton's definitions of the word) - but stayed physically close all night. We got up early for work, and stayed talking, kissing and holding each others hands for ages - he was about 40 mins too early for work and we were sitting right outside his building. It might sound like mush, but it was really special. It got to the point that he couldn't get out of the car & I didn't want him to - so we stayed there looking at each other, holding hands until we were both late for work that morning. We were due to meet 2 days later, and we couldn't wait!! After he got out of the car...we never saw nor spoke to each other again for 10 years.

So, seeing each other now, with so much left unsaid from before, a totally missed opportunity of something that was just soooo right - neither of us has experienced anything like it since - well, it has a big impact on where we are now. All that missed communication, second-guessing what the other person must be thinking, not communicating because we were making assumptions etc, - man, all a waste of time. Communication is the new black!

Its funny, there is a big difference in 'growing up' between being 32 and 42 years old. So, whatever I was doing then, does't have a bearing on how I am now. Same for Aqua. But, our situation back then was crystallised in time & memory as being a perfect thing. Like I said, we never got a shot at fucking it up, or making it mundane or routine.

So now the aqua has opened up like he did, and it was 'safely' received, I know that 're-establishing contact' is done now, and next comes the whole 'very best' stretch between now the the drop over the Rapids! My guess is that it might do his head in and he'll find it too hard to hurt his wife, and angst-ridden over hurting me. At least if I'm merely dealing with a quivering mess of a man by then, I can handle it! Ouch, what a Scorp thing to say!

weds...4!
by: Anonymous

Anyway, life is to short to not live it to its potential - you know it. You have a lot of wisdom and level-headedness about you and I really think that your intelligence will see you through anything. I know I've said it before, but you keep displaying it!
Once again, I am sorry to hear that a friend of yours has passed away. Would he have wanted you to fearlessly live life to the maximum, as you would have him? I hope so. You did mention before that you have goals that you want to pursue. I'm curious, (and please tell me to fuck off if appropriate) but what do you want to do and achieve? I'm pretty ambitious myself, I run a small company that I want to turn into a much bigger company! Business has always been my arena, so reading people, understanding communication etc. all come into it. I've never mentioned this, but Aqua is pretty famous here - he's very well known and 'awarded' in entertainment. Thats just his work stuff though, his own character is just himself, and he's just lovely! Mush, mush, gush gush...

Ok I need to go set the world alight - thanks again for your advice before, you saved me a good bit of crap working things out. I'm gonna do nothing differently to what I have been doing and time will tell.

I'm delighted that you closed the gap on the Aqua - I think the brave get rewarded! Take it easy!

Red xx
PS - I'm getting better - only 10 million words typed this time!

Wow
by: Anonymous

Red...

I didn't realize your aqua said the L word. I'm assuming he told you he loved you...is this correct? Well that's great news either way that he was able to open up to you and admit that he enjoys your company. It sucks that you two didn't have that chance when you were younger, but I guess all things happen for a reason. Things should get interesting and probably more confusing at this point, but I wouldn't worry or think that far ahead until you have more info to go on.

As far as what my goals and ambitions are, we'll I'm currently in school as pre-med. I have a while to go before medical school, but that's the plan as of now. I also have a strong desire to pursue psychology, but only as my doctorate, possibly after the whole medical thing is out of the way. The way people think and behave fascinates me. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of business do you run?

Well I txt my aqua and told him "Hey...we need to meet up soon, have lots to tell you!" and never received a response. I'm not sure how to take it...but the calmness is still there, weird. I think the reason I'm calm is because I have accepted how things are and pretty much already moved forward. You were right when you said that it will just "run and run." I don't think he's meant to be any more than just a friend in my life, and I stated earlier that I was ok with it..and I still am. However, I will say that with my experience with him and what happened to my friend, I have learned to open myself up more and not hide in this protective "hurt-free" shell. If that's what I was meant to get out of this situation than I'm thankful.

Spoke too soon!!!
by: Anonymous

Ok...so I spoke too soon and please don't laugh at me, but talk about unpredictable behavior from an aqua!! He got back to me and asked when and what time I wanted to meet with him. I told him I'm pretty booked this week, so it would have to be either Sun or sometime next week. He said Sun would work for him and we set a time. He then asked me what I was doing tomorrow and I stated I had work, school, a paper to write, and then dinner with the girls. So he tells me what he has going on and states "So you're pretty slammed tomorrow huh?" I told him yes and asked if he had something on his mind. He stated he just wanted to say what's up. Then I invited him to dinner with us! When I say us, it's really just dinner at my cousin's house that we do every week...which he has meet before. He said he didn't want to impose, but that he might come thru and he will let me know. Talk about confusing!

work n play
by: Red Oktober

Hey -

Med student with an interest in psychology - ok, thats explains a lot! I'm a Publisher, and my first magazine was a health mag. After that, I produced publications for the medical and dental fraternity - Royal College of Surgeons etc. I sold up a few years ago (a big mess!!) and am currently integrating printed magazines with a stronger web accompaniment. So, I'm learning a lot about the Internet and its new potential commercial applications in regionalized mags. Basically, I'm aiming to sell the business within 3 years and then just be free to take on the projects that I want to do. I'd be interested to study psychology more formally at some stage, but instead, I do small modules in specific areas - eg. the psychology in the 'buyer/seller' dynamic, NLP etc. Its useful for work! I'm not a Scorpio that likes to be tied down or bossed around, so I created my own company & job.

I have a question for you - if you receive a text from your Aqua, do you respond instantly, or do you ever wait for a bit before responding, so as not to appear too keen?!

At this stage, you should never worry about not getting a reply from the aquaman. Trust that he will reply! Sometimes it takes me a while to reply to texts just so I can think of how to word what I want to say. Other times, I don't notice I even have received a text. The calmness you have is good. Throw in a bit of trust that things will work out nicely in way that you will enjoy - and then the only job left to do is to have some fun with that lad! Thats all! and it sounds like you have that in hand.


You know, I'd be surprised if your Aqua turned up at your cousin's house for dinner. My guess is that he will stay away. It sounds like he really really really wants to see you - so the prospect of doing so with the company of a group of girls means that he won't be able to talk openly and freely to you, or just be alone with you - and I think thats what he wants the opportunity to do. Its YOU he wants to see, not a roomful of girls! I'm trying to think of the same situation in my Aqua's shoes - and i'm pretty sure that given the choice of
a) seeing me sooner, but with other people around
b) seeing me the following week, but on my own

...he would go for the 2nd option.

continued...

WORK & PLAY 2
by: Anonymous

If your Aqua doesn't go to your cousin's house, then you should take it as a compliment and a big fat sign of how he feels about you. If he does go, well, what a guy! To put himself through a situation he wouldn't prefer, just to be around you is a big fat sign of how he feels about you! Either way, its good!

I'm so intrigued! This 'calmness' you have about your Aqua situation feels good, huh?! I got to the point of realizing that, even though my Aqua clearly didn't feel the same about me, and I got over that, there was actually no bad outcome, because I knew we'd always have a special bond of friendship. Most of the 'hurt' was actually ME stressing myself up over it all, being too expectatious too soon, and then being disappointed that he wasn't living up to my expectations. The Aqua never actually did anything wrong, except of course he didn't put me at the center of his universe!

Here's the thing I was trying to process...Aqua DIDN'T say "I love you" - he said "YOU love me" !!! (actually..."you always show me so much love" ) Neat twist on the usual L-word concept & the accidental psychology of that is great!! Now, all I have to do is accuse him of the same and we have a pair of Aces, when neither of us has 'admitted' to anything! Ha ha ha! A cunning plan!

Actually, I do still have a great calmness about it - I don't wonder if he likes me, I know he does. I also know he thinks about me and he loves the time we spend. Actually, on my very first post, I asked 12 questions that seem pretty lame and embarassing now! I have the answers to most of them now, and the rest I shouldn't have asked in the first place. You'd have thought that was enough, huh?! Thing is, I still can't help wondering whats gonna happen next! Its a pretty intriguing and exciting time. But, even if I never saw him again (unlikely!), I'm always gonna be so happy that we got the chance to fill each other in about what really happened 10 years ago. Also, really happy that we got to spend some time together. Its priceless.

So, for all our insight, calmness, patience, reasoning and logic - we still have inexplicable ability to freak out a bit over texts / lack of texts / closeness / lack of closeness etc. Crazy!! Crazy, but fun.
Take care, actually no – be careless!

Redx

Oh so right...
by: Anonymous

Red...

So you were right...he didn't show. I honestly wasn't expecting him to and was actually hoping he wouldn't, I like having girl time. I'm looking forward to seeing him on Sun, although I might have to reschedule to change the time because I forgot I have to volunteer at this hospital. Either way I can't wait to finally see him and catch up on things.

I completely know what you mean about setting these huge expectations in your head, only for them to blow up in your little face. It's funny because sometimes I know I'm setting expectations I shouldn't be, but you sometimes can't help but to hope or wish they're met. But you're right, it isn't fair to the other person to set a bar that they don't even know exists. Looking back on it, I kind of feel ridiculous for demanding and expecting so much time from him...I realize now I was moving way too fast. I'm actually glad things slowed down...gives you time to think about what you want. And if during the 'seperation/s' two people continue to come back to each other, you know there's a bond there.

When your aqua said "you show me so much love," I think that was his way of telling you that he appreciates you and your actions aren't going unnoticed. I don't think he wants you to go anywhere. The numerous questions you asked in the beginning of the post weren't stupid..I think we all have questions like that running thru our heads when dealing with someone we like. But it seems things are squared away now for you and your aqua. Looks like there will be more posts to come!

sunday
by: Red Oktober

Thanks for your interpretation, it makes plain and simple sense and its appreciated.

No more analysis!

Just stress about what to wear and have a lovely time on Sunday with your friend the Aqua.

Redx



?!?!?!
by: Anonymous

Red...

So I just woke up from spending a very long night with my aqua. He couldn't wait till today (Sun), so we saw each other last night. It was really great to see him, and it was the first time he has ever been to my place. We talked and caught up on things that have happened since we saw each other last. It's not surprising that neither one of us have mentioned the long break or why we went so long without speaking. I can't say that I'm not curious about what his take on it is, but it's definitely background info at this point.

Needless to say, one thing lead to another and well...I'm sure you can guess what happened. I didn't want to, but I really couldn't help myself. There was something he said during that caught me off guard. He asked if I wanted to have his baby! Although, without reading so much into that statement, I'm going to take it as one of those things you say when you get caught up in the moment, cause it just sounds too crazy otherwise. In case you're wondering, my answer was "Not right now." Hahaha...I didn't know what else to say and I'm not one of those people that tells someone what they want to hear. Anyway, everything was great and it's funny how much emotion can be verbalized in the bedroom, but not elsewhere.

I've noticed thru our meeting last night that aqua needs a lot of reassurance. Do you get that with your aqua as well? The kind of reassurance I'm talking about it is emotional. Like he needs to hear how I feel about him, but he'll ask in very indirect ways...almost as though he's not even asking and in ways where if you're not paying attention, you won't be privy to what he's doing. I remember my aqua girl friend use to do that too, so I'm wondering if it's a thing of theirs.

He didn't end up staying the night because he had a football game the next morning and needed to get sleep, sleep he would not have gotten staying in my bed. I'm actually glad he didn't stay, because I wanted that time to myself. Overall, I think it was a shift in our relationship, but in a good way. I want to see him again tonight, but I think two nights in a row after these new developments might make aquas head explode...so I'll just text him and let him know I'm thinking of him.

Forgot..
by: Anonymous

Hey...I also had other issues I wanted to address but forgot...

So you own your own business...that must be exciting but stressful at the same time. You also must be good at networking, I notice a lot of people are when they have a business. Is your aqua well known in the US? I want to ask his name, but then I don't want to know :)

As for the whole waiting to reply to a txt. Sometimes I do it, then sometimes I don't. Depends on what is said or the topic. But usually I don't like to sit and play games and purposely not respond if I see a message and it's something simple I can respond to.

Well !!!
by: Anonymous

Well PASSION PLAY!

I was so happy to hear that you had such a good time with the Aqua! And it sounds like you just let the evening drive itself, which is great - so natural! When you said that neither of you mentioned the long gap, it sounded a little familiar! I'm guessing that it just wasn't relevant at the time. As for getting his take on it - I think I can guess what he has been doing. I'd say he simply went about his life, not knowing where he stood with you and did his best to get over it, (with limited success!). During the 'absence' - he took care of school, football, laundry, watched some TV etc. In other words, just going about his normal day-to-day stuff. Mystery solved!

Interesting question about whether my Aqua 'needs' reassurance. Truth is I don't know - he never seeks reassurance. However, with the way our evenings tend to go, he gets it anyway and, as he said recently, he already feels that I show him love. I've never had a problem telling him little obscure things I like about him and its obvious from my demeanor, eye contact, caring and whole behavior that I really adore and enjoy him - and its mutual. Its funny, because the ways I show him how I feel about him are all non-direct, non-'head-on' emotional-displays - its almost as if its all invisibly woven into the time we spend. Like your aqua who is subtly asking for clues, I subtly drop the clues without being asked - so the question of reassurance don't come up. I don't look for it either, (apart from here!!) I TRUST that it is all there and try (and fail sometimes) to not question the stuff I should just 'trust'.

My 'reassuring messages' have been consistent, UNCONDITIONAL, (ie. I don't 'set it up' so that he has to say something back to me - in fact, I purposely NEVER ask how he feels about me.)

continued...



Welll !!! 2
by: Anonymous

Its really interesting that you say that there is so much emotion verbalized in the bedroom. I totally get that, but in my case, we don't verbalize emotion there - deliberately! In fact, we stay as quiet as possible! Why? Because, by the time we have had a great evening and gone to bed, and then made the night even more amazing, emotions are definitely running high. I know, I know, this is gonna sound sooooo mushy, but you can actually feel the love in the room, in the bed, in the aqua, in the scorp - hell, even exuding from the pillows! When we're in bed, the place is absolutely charged with intensity - in a good way!

At that point of talking though, we just lie there close & quiet, looking right into each others eyes - and I swear, that feels like pure love - and I sense we feel exactly the same about each other when we do that. So, thats the point at which people find it most natural to 'spill out' & be open and emotionally honest about how they feel. With me, I feel it, and so does he. So, when we're looking at each other like that, we both know exactly what the other is thinking and feeling right there and then, and usually break into smiles and laughs, kisses and cuddles etc. instead of verbalizing. Its so hard not to verbalize, as everything in you wants to. Its hard not to crack & talk about it!

More and more each time, we just adore spending time together and enjoy each other so much - fuck it, what I mean is that we kinda love each other, and it feels like we're meant to. All very fine, except that he's married. That being the case, I can handle anything he wants to say to me about he feels, but if I were to actually verbalize that I love him - then its the point at which I ram a shitty stick into his marriage and start stirring.

If he does tell me he loves me, then he's doing the same - knowing that he is totally, out loud, betraying his wife. Theres a shared sense that its a massive scary, bad & wrong leap to take, as it changes EVERYTHING. Verbalizing how we feel to each other is the definitive act of us both crapping on his wife - united in our shitty treatment of an innocent party. Neither of us are that mean. And yet, we both know how we feel about each other. I think that its why he came back again the next night - I think he just cracked and felt he needed to verbalize. I mentioned his area of work, simply because this all has some potential for repercussions there as well. (Yes, the US knows him!) Rapids-are-a-coming!

continued ...

Well !!! 3
by: Anonymous

Hey, I do hope that you gave your Aqua the reassurance he was looking for. It sounds like you couldn't have had such a lovely evening if you weren't both emotionally open with each other. Being emotionally open is something that you were really scared of before - (it makes you vulnerable) - but I'm guessing that the very thing you were scared of was the one of the nicest and closest parts of your night. And if you were open with him, I bet he was really really delighted and relieved about it. I hope he is more reassured about you now. I love this (understated) comment of yours...

"Overall, I think it was a shift in our relationship".

I'd bloody say it was, Ms Passion Play!!! Hey - did you REALLY want him to leave afterwards to go get some sleep - or did you wish he would have stayed? Thats the only hint of 'the self-protect shell' I picked up in your post. The tone of the rest of it is sooooo happy about it! Still, you must have felt blissed out buy it all after he left! Him too!. I'm so happy that you had a great night with him.

Just quickly on the work thing - I guess I am excited by the potential I can achieve, which would not be possible if I worked for someone else - in fact, thats something I would find stressful! I like freedom, calling my own shots and making things happen - and do think I'm pretty good at the work stuff too! (And yes, a little arrogant too!) The very best thing about getting older is that you know what you want, what you don't want, you don't feel like you need to suffer fools and probably most importantly, you just feel free to unapologetically be who & how you are.

Hey though - how was it left?! Did you two come to an understanding about where you stand with each other?

Ok - this is gonna be interesting...My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. Aqua asked the date a couple of weeks ago, so he does know. AND....Aquas are known for their memory for insignificant detail, and also their lack of memory about important dates. Big question...will he run or remember on the day? Place your bets...!!!

Hey - so happy for your evening with the Aqua, it must feel great!

Redx

:)
by: Anonymous

Red...

I'm assuming that you're right in regards to why, on his part, there was such a long break...but oh well at this point right! I'm not really sure where me and him stand as of now because it's not something we talked about...we kind of just picked up where we left off. However, I txt him yesterday and I told him how gorgeous he was and that my week won't be so busy if he wants to meet up. His reply was saying thank you, and asking how my day was. Of course true to aqua form, he doesn't acknowledge seeing each other soon! I'm actually not worried about it...I think because I've went thru all these motions the last gap of communication, the calmness remains there and like you said...will probably remain.

Believe it or not, I was actually glad he didn't stay the night....it's not just a front on my part. He didn't leave till 5 in the morning, so he pretty much did stay the night...and he had to be up for a game at 10am. I completely understand one's need to sleep in their own bed for a good nights rest, because I personally don't like sleeping over at people's houses because I never sleep that well. I also know that it's hard for me to sleep well in my own bed when I'm sharing it with someone...so it's working out for now. I feel I was more open with him than usual, I was much more affectionate, but like you...I don't really express my emotions to him. I don't know why I don't...I think it's because I personally just don't like talking about how I feel unless there's a time and place for it. I'm definitely not one of those chicks who constantly needs to talk about emotions (I would rather not), and I absolutely don't ask him how he feels about me...I feel like it's needy and I hate feeling like I'm being needy...it jeopardizes my feelings of independence within myself.

It's weird...I feel like a little kid around him, but it's not a feeling I'm comfortable with! I think because I take myself seriously, to feel that vulnerable around him is just nuts and something I'm not use to. Come to think of it, we have talked about me and him, but it's always very non-direct and without any titles attached to it. For example, I told him that he's very analytical and he asked if that's a bad thing, I say no because I'm also very analytical. He says...that can get old after a while...I ask what he means...he states something along the lines of...two people being analytical will just confuse each other and might not get anywhere. It's not hard to see the reference he's making between me and him.

cont...

:)
by: Anonymous

Red...

I'm assuming that you're right in regards to why, on his part, there was such a long break...but oh well at this point right! I'm not really sure where me and him stand as of now because it's not something we talked about...we kind of just picked up where we left off. However, I txt him yesterday and I told him how gorgeous he was and that my week won't be so busy if he wants to meet up. His reply was saying thank you, and asking how my day was. Of course true to aqua form, he doesn't acknowledge seeing each other soon! I'm actually not worried about it...I think because I've went thru all these motions the last gap of communication, the calmness remains there and like you said...will probably remain.

Believe it or not, I was actually glad he didn't stay the night....it's not just a front on my part. He didn't leave till 5 in the morning, so he pretty much did stay the night...and he had to be up for a game at 10am. I completely understand one's need to sleep in their own bed for a good nights rest, because I personally don't like sleeping over at people's houses because I never sleep that well. I also know that it's hard for me to sleep well in my own bed when I'm sharing it with someone...so it's working out for now. I feel I was more open with him than usual, I was much more affectionate, but like you...I don't really express my emotions to him. I don't know why I don't...I think it's because I personally just don't like talking about how I feel unless there's a time and place for it. I'm definitely not one of those chicks who constantly needs to talk about emotions (I would rather not), and I absolutely don't ask him how he feels about me...I feel like it's needy and I hate feeling like I'm being needy...it jeopardizes my feelings of independence within myself.

It's weird...I feel like a little kid around him, but it's not a feeling I'm comfortable with! I think because I take myself seriously, to feel that vulnerable around him is just nuts and something I'm not use to. Come to think of it, we have talked about me and him, but it's always very non-direct and without any titles attached to it. For example, I told him that he's very analytical and he asked if that's a bad thing, I say no because I'm also very analytical. He says...that can get old after a while...I ask what he means...he states something along the lines of...two people being analytical will just confuse each other and might not get anywhere. It's not hard to see the reference he's making between me and him.

cont...

cont...
by: Anonymous

I'm not sure if your aqua will surprise you or not for your bday...it's a hard call. I would bet no you won't hear anything from him because I know they are terrible with dates...and I think that goes for men in general. However, he might reach out to wish you a happy bday if he does remember. Now you've got me more curious about who he is...but don't tell me, it's none of my business. I also get what you're saying about the non-verbal communication in the bedroom. I've had experiences like that with some partners, but others become very verbal..like me and my aqua. It's weird how your sexual chemistry or connection can be different for some people.

I hope that you do hear from your aqua and you get to spend some time with him by or on your bday! That would make for a good and interesting night to have and share.

hi..
by: Anonymous

Hi...

You know, the first few times my aqua stayed over, i sent a text to say how great it was to see him - and the reply I got was cold kind of "Thank-you" as well. Disappointing. Same thing - no acknowledgement of the previous night at all and it seemed a little 'distant'. Its not an issue now, I know its just to do with how differently men & women need/don't need to react/express 'the next day'. That aspect works itself out - and I still send the text - its not about the reply, its just what I want to say! Also, its not good to try and "find the hidden meaning" in every comment or text - despite ourselves!

Hey - its funny you mention feeling like a little kid around the aqua! I sometimes get the same, at the beginning, it was like acting out like a 'dumbed-down' version of myself. I think I'm knocked off guard by him and not as composed as I usually am. I've come out with the dumbest stuff before now! He is always himself and cool - how DO they do that?!!

The birthday thing? I already have plans for my birthday that don't include him, so its kinda academic anyway, but my bet would be the same as yours. Its quite a 'message' to send out by doing something for my bday, and I think it crosses the line. (Yes, its a strange & contradictory moral code, I know.) I think he'll acknowledge it either some time after the day, or not at all. I'm totally cool with either, its only a problem if I attach gross offense to it and make my birthday into something that people should drop down and worship!

I think its a good strategy to simply make the little things unimportant. Swapped a few friendly texts with the Aquaman tonight - unusual, but cool!

I hope you get to meet up soon, the whole 'take it easy' attitude seems to make things much easier! Interesting comment he made about over-analysis - he kinda has a point. That said, all the analyzing we've done on this site has been really useful for me. I've taken a lot of perspectives that made more sense that I could have at the time!

Hey - you must have a birthday coming up as well...?!








*
by: Anonymous

Red...

I'm glad you can feel where I'm coming from. I'm totally off guard when I'm around my aqua too! I get a sense of vulnerability around him..and I get very soft, which if you knew me well...is totally not my personality. I'm very 'in control' of my demeanor and somewhat standoffish, I'm very blunt and say what's on my mind, and I've been told I come off as someone who takes no shit. I was like this when I first meet my aqua, and even a few times that we've hung out, but lately it's all very light and open. I still want to maintain my mystery though, I think it's important for all women in general to keep a part of themselves a secret from everyone...I don't know if that makes sense.

I honestly have no idea how aquas can stay so calm and cool...it's crazy. Sometimes I wonder if they are like that out of nervousness, so they monitor every move they make and think before opening their mouths. Who knows though...?

It does make things easier when you keep your attitude easy...not just towards the aqua, but towards the whole situation in general. I know this might sound off...or a little wrong even, but I notice that things are getting relatively easy now...maybe a little too easy? The same fears that were there before I saw him or no longer there anymore...as well as the anxiousness. It's making me wonder if lust played a big part in my distress earlier. I think I should just enjoy it and soak it up either way...because who knows how I'll be feeling a few weeks from now.

Yes my bday is coming up, at the end of this month, day before Halloween actually. I have made plans with my friends as well and will be going out of town. My aqua knows about my bday because I asked him for suggestions on what to do, but did not invite him. I have absolutely no expectation to hear from him or see him for that particular occasion. With yours though, I wouldn't be surprised if he mentions it the next time he sees you, rather than going out of his way for it...kind of like saving the occasion for when you meet next. Are you glad you at least heard from him sooner than the usual month?

I know what you mean about these forums on here and the things written. It's uncanny how there are so many similarities and to be quite honest, shit on here has helped me out a lot as well. That being said, thank you for reading and going thru the motions with me. I know I probably sound bipolar or very emotionally unstable with all the back and forth of my feelings. I just don't hold back when typing things on here, as I don't really feel a need to have a guard up. So I thank you for your support!

P

Once in 823 Years
by: Anonymous

Hiya,

Yeah, I'd like to thank-you for your help and support too - I've gotten some real gems from you that have helped me get a sound perspective on my situation. Here's a recent favorite example...
ME: "Help, PP! - WHY did my aqua get out of bed and rush to leave?"
YOU: "He was probably rushing to get home to his wife."
I know I've funnied it up a bit, but that was the gist! I had forgotten that it wasn't all about me - duh. Thanks you - you've helped a lot.

The character change around the aquas is actually very funny. I'm always very clear about where I stand and how people stand with me. I'm able to handle any personality type (that comes into work) - but around the aqua, I'm just jello mush sometimes. It never occurred to me til you mentioned the same thing, but I think its actually a kind of nervousness that WE must have, not the aquas. I think that the aquas are just naturally cool dudes with these things, but we have had such a build-up of all sorts of things running through our heads, that we convince ourselves about exactly how we are gonna behave, how its going to go, what we will and will not do or say etc. Then the aqua arrives and he's just so gorgeous that it throws us off!! The subconcious decisions we made about how we saw ourselves behaving are suddenly rendered useless - so we're just mush instead. Just a guessy theory.

Don't worry about things being "too easy" - the road is long and it should simply be about enjoying each other and making your time special. If thats easy, then its a good thing.

It made me laugh to hear that you asked aqua's advice about what to do for your birthday, then didn't invite him. Hilarious! Really cheeky, but funny! Its always a bummer when the birthday falls on a weekday/workday instead of a weekend. Hey get this - the groping lawyer sent me a 'pass around' text that said that this month has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays - which only happens once every 823 years. So, it'll be a rare day indeed on your bday. Not just a day in a lifetime, but a day in 10 generations of lifetimes. Oooh - better make it a good'un!

By the way, I still didn't have that talk with the groping lawyer yet - he's called a few times but I haven't taken the call - still too grossed out. And... each time he leaves a message, he ends it with "Ciao". I fucking hate it when people (not from Italy) end a conversation with "ciao" - its just some thing that grates on me!! But when I do catch up with him, I'll be using the lines you gave me! I'm still disgusted by his behavior, but I suppose its not fair to just go quiet on him without an explanation. I'd better get around to returning a call and buying some armour (not to be confused with 'amour'!)

Well - I'd better get gone, its late - take it easy, catch you soon with updates!

Redx





?!
by: Anonymous

By the way - "Bi-polar!!" Great description, ha ha ha!! Its like that though, isn't it?! I totally totally get it.

And something you said ages ago about it almost being better with confusion and distance in the air, instead of knowing exactly where you stand kinda rings true for me today. I'm on a day where I wish the Aqua wasn't married, but equally, I don't wish I were in her shoes either. I think I'd just like to see him more often.

I've never been involved with a married man before - the whole idea stinks - and never will again, for the same reason. The aqua is the one and only person that could ever be an exception, and it just feels so right to spend time with him. I think our history is the real kicker that makes this so different from merely being attracted to someone who is married.

I meant to ask you before - I know that married men aren't your thing either - probably for all the same reasons as me (me, the hypocrite) -but I'm curious if you either understand why I'm involved with a married man - or whether you could ever imagine a circumstance where you break your own rule about seeing a married man? I'm also curious to hear what you would do in my situation. Would you just not go there, or would you feel compelled to?

Rapids, rapids!!

Redx


Well...
by: Anonymous

Red...

Let's see...where to begin? Believe it or not, I actually do think aqua's are calm and cool out of nervousness, or some kind of self-control thing when around someone they like. I remember I caught my aqua interacting with a friend of his...and he was waaaay more lively and animated than I've ever seen him around me. But I also agree that we have the nervousness as well. I now see why there's so much analyzing going on!

Just like you, my moods fluctuate. Some days I really want to see him, other days I feel myself putting my running shoes on. I've realized the only reason it's been working out for me this long is BECAUSE of the distance. With any other guy I think I would have ran by now, but because my aqua doesn't crowd me or put too many expectations on me...the fear doesn't set in. I think because we are still at the beginning stages and him being an aqua and not having 'normal' dating habits...the reality of it being something real hasn't set in because it's not something I'm sure of. I have absolutely no idea if I will run when he does try and become more permanent in my life, or if by then...I'll have grown comfortable with him in my life. Either way, I know I have my days where I really want to see him...but I do get some sort of relief knowing I still have room in my life to stretch my arms.

I honestly don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes...that's just really hard in general. I've only dealt with one married man in my life, and as soon as I found out he was married I broke it off immediately and never spoke to him again. Wanting more of his time is to be expected, especially since you guys have been seeing each other for so long. However, have you noticed that the gaps from seeing him last get shorter over time, or have they remained pretty much the same? If you want to see him more often than you do, have you tried just asking him or telling him that you want to see him now/tonight/this week...rather than waiting for his initiation or the normal time frame in gaps?

I also can't say if I would never be with a married man in the future because I don't like using the word never, I just know right now it's not my thing. I can definitely see why you got into the situation you are in now though, especially with the past you have with him. However, it sucks because your expectations for where it can go are pretty much forced to be nonexistent. I know we both agreed that expectations lead to disappointment, but in all honesty...how can anyone not wonder if all the time they put into something is going to be beneficial for them in the long run. I think it's natural for any relationship, job, investment...or anything in life really, to try and see the future benefits or else what's the point right? That being said, I can totally see how you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

cont...

cont...
by: Anonymous

My suggestion...date other men. I don't know if you are or not, but I think you should put yourself back into the dating pool. I know it'll be hard because you'll be sitting with one guy and wishing he was someone else. But I think it's healthy, especially in your situation, to not put all your eggs in one basket. Yea you might want to shoot yourself while on those dates, but just remind yourself that it's only helping. You never know, you might meet someone who will actually grab your attention!

Other suggestion...this one to be used later down the line. But I don't think it would hurt to talk to your aqua about what you feel...in a very nonthreatening way. Trust me, I think he'll completely understand your logic for how you feel dealing with a married man, even if it is him. If you explain it in a way that's not looking for validation or reassurance from him, he'll discuss it with you and I'll bet money on it. Use him as a sounding board and he'll respond. I know you're probably thinking I'm crazy, but you wouldn't believe some of the things aquas are willing to discuss if approached in an intellectual manner. But again, this one is to be used when you feel like you're approaching that point where you must make a decision for yourself.

P

!
by: Anonymous

Hey thanks for taking the time to reply to the 'me me me' post.

I've been thinking about what you said - and theres lots to think about there. Some days I think about the aqua a lot - other days not much. Some days I really miss him, but other days, I'm just in the mood to do other things. I think I do more analyzing on days that I really miss him! I'd LOVE to know what goes on in their heads! I wonder if there is an aquaman-angst forum out there that they confide in?!

I notice that each time I see him, he is tangibly feeling more open, closer, more 'emotionally connected, comfortable and wants to stay longer each time. And the time gap has closed by a few weeks. Its a really interesting suggestion to just talk to him! Still thinking on that. I'm away tonight, so just wanted to drop a quick 'thanks' for the comments -

Have you made any plans yet to see the aqua?

Redx




I know
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I know what you mean. On days that I want to see him, I get very analytical as well. It's been going on the last couple of days...the doubt running thru my head. I haven't made any plans to see him and I haven't spoken to him either. It's only been a week, but the whole distance thing has become predictable.

I hope you eventually find the solution you're looking for. I know it's a lot to think about, but you really don't have to make any moves right away. Just go about your life as normal and you'll eventually know when you need to shake things up a bit.

!
by: Anonymous

Hi there,

This might seem like a crazy rant, just to warn ya!

Oh Man! Theres no change since i last posted, except that the distance thing does all kinds of things to the way I perceive the situation. Ok, we Scorps are a broodingly analytical and emotional bunch, but the Aquas don't exactly help the cause either! I really want to know more of what goes on in his head during the weeks inbetween!

I've a big period of intensive work shit on at the moment, & I like to keep the stress and adrenalin levels up - so its the wrong time for aqua-time anyway. At the same time, I'm wondering if I even need this situation!! Its a combination of missing him (even though its not convenient to see him right now) and getting 'analytical" about the whole thing because i haven't seen him! Talk about need to lighten up!

I don't love him any the less, I think he's great, but with this latest 'time gap', even though its only been a couple of weeks, I can't see that i NEED him. Hmmm.

Your advice to just keep things the same is coming good now, thats what i think i'll do . Sorry - you can see why i haven't posted for a couple of days - its been confusing!

How are you getting on?

!
by: Anonymous

Sorry about the rant - but it definitely does help to get it out of the system here. And I feel better for doing so. I guess I was expecting him to be a little different after he opened up before. I'm confused about how he can go from "I need you" to....not!

Well, its a long road - so we'll see what happens! I'll try and make it less of a deal. How about you - you run off to Vegas with the aqua yet to do the deed?!

?
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I know what you mean, coming on here does help to clear your head sometimes. I think it was kind of predictable for your aqua to go from "I need you" to acting like he doesn't. Remember from a previous post when I stated..."The distance has become predictable"...well that's a perfect example. I know aqua traits are suppose to be unpredictability, and it's so much so, that it is predictable...does that make sense? However, I think it's completely normal for you to expect a different, more open him, but I would have guessed he wouldn't have changed anything, which is why I gave you the advice not to change the routine as well.

I was talking to a friend of mine..and she described me as cautious, and someone who "takes one step forward, and then two steps back." However, it rang bells in my head because I felt like it was a perfect description of aquas!

Because of the context of how your relationship developed with him (him being married), I can see how it would be hard for him to get away so often to see you. Maybe he keeps the time gaps the way they are as to not get caught or raise flags for his wife. I think him spending two nights in a row with you was pretty bold in itself considering he's married. I also wouldn't discount whatever he told you the last time you saw him, I'm sure he meant what he said. Aquas are a different bunch for sure and I think it is something very complicated to grasp for us scorps.

I haven't seen my aqua either, but I have spoke with him. He apparently went out of town and said he would contact me this week. You can bet I'm not counting on it! It's not me being cynical, it's me being realistic to his nature and his "unpredictability." I actually would be totally and completely shocked if he did, even though he said he would...how sad is that when you think about it! I must admit that I still think about him, but not as much as before...I can't explain it. It's not a shell or a guard, but maybe an acceptance or something....?? As the days roll on, I get use to not having him around, and the anticipation of seeing him wears off.

I also learned something I wasn't too tapped into about myself. I noticed how much stability I need...I guess that whole scorp trait is true. It's funny that I try and find patterns or a sense of predictability in my situation with aqua, but I can't find any. I think that's why I found stability in his unpredictability. LOL...I know this all sounds crazy and redundant but it's very true...at least in my head. You really can't control or guess their next move because it's never accurate. Once you stop trying to, I think it becomes easier. It's almost as if...whatever you expect or want them to do next, they do the complete opposite....and once you learn to expect that instead...it relieves a lot of built up tension. Does that even make sense?


thanks!
by: Anonymous

Thanks a lot for that - it makes loads of sense and puts perspective back on things. The predictability of the unpredictability!! This sounds so stupid, but I kinda keep forgetting he's married. Of course I know he is, but just forget to factor it into our personal dynamic. I'm sure there will be a right time for a talk about the whole situation - I think i'm gonna have to see how he sees it all. I'm sure that if its pitched right, he will be open - as you suggested he would be. I certainly don't think i can do any harm to the situation and i'm curious for clarity!

I guess that "acceptance" is an interesting word to use. A situation like this should be either 'acceptable' or 'unacceptable'. I think that difficulty I've been having lately is that it is an extreme of both! My guess is that the aqua scared the hell out of himself last time.

Its strange that you mention needing stability. I'm the opposite, I need a certain level of unpredictability and have no problem with lack of certainty about most things. I've always avoiding getting down too narrow a path and excluding experiences and opportunities I want to have. But being a Scorp, I want the unpredictability on my terms, not someone elses! Yes, you're right (again!), aquas are very hard for a Scorp to understand!

However, it remains true that a man needs HIS OWN reasons to be around, not mine! Its a very messy confusing week, but underneath it, I do know that he probably doesn't have any answers either and I'll see him soon anyway.

I am a little surprised at your aqua - I think he'll be in touch soon and could well surprise you! The guy clearly and obviously is really into you. I hope that the '1 step forward, 2 steps back' thing isn't gonna play out with you with him - Because you are clearly really into this guy too! I love your attitude at the moment. It feels a little like a reversal of a few weeks ago when you were stressed about it and I was trying to provide another perspective!

Again, apologies for all the self-indulgence in my recent posts - its a very stressy time at work at the moment, and I think I'm transferring stress to the aqua situation, when its really just all how it should be for now. Does that make sense?! I do hope that within the next couple of posts my attitude adjusts back to calm and cool about it again! Jesus, you must think I'm neurotic!

You sound like you're in a good place with it all, which is great to hear - god knows you deserve to be. So, we at the same ting again - wait it out and get on with the other stuff!

Unusually, I had a quick read through other threads on this site, which I've kinda stopped doing. Actually, there are similar things to what we have discussed before now, but comparing notes, I think we have both come pretty far in sussing out how to handle the situations. I ope I've managed to help you as much as you have me in these posts. Thanks again, its appreciated!







Hey
by: Anonymous

I'm glad I can help in your situation if I can...I honestly don't mind it. Trust me...I may be cool and calm now, but next week I might be flying off the walls. It's always up and down for me...luckily this time I'm on an upswing.

When it comes to your situation, I think it's important to always factor in the fact that he's married when you start to get analytical or become doubtful of him. That probably takes precedence over any other situation or reasoning that you can come up with for what or why he's doing something. Good thing for you because if he wasn't married...what exactly would be his excuse then?...kinda like my aqua.

Yes I feel calm, but like I said...it might change. I'll tell you one thing though...I WILL walk away from him if we go another 2 months without seeing each other! I've been able to handle the distance now because I don't keep track of time anymore between me and him. When I lose myself in time, I don't notice how long it's been since I last seen him and it doesn't feel that long either. I don't expect things to dramatically change just because me and him have become intimate, but if I don't feel like things are getting closer between us and the time gaps aren't becoming shorter...then there's no point in it all. I have to draw a line somewhere for what I feel like I'm not getting from him...and that would be it....everything can't be on his terms. I'm curious as to why you're surprised by my aqua...because his distance?

Anyways, I'm sure you'll be feeling better by next weeks time. Probably by then I'll be the one tripping out!

Update!
by: Anonymous

So I heard from my aqua. Why is it whenever I come on here and doubt him, he always makes me look stupid! However, I must mention that he contacted me at 11 pm...and asked if I wanted company. I told him no because I was study (which I really was) and really needed to get all that info into my head before my exam. I'm trying not to read too much into the fact he contacted me so late....during booty call hours, but it's kind of hard not to wonder. We did make plans to see each other on Tues though.

RED
by: Anonymous

I said I was surprised by your aqua because from everything you have said about him, his behavior and your past dealings with each other (even time gaps) - its really clear that this guy likes you a lot. And I know its mutual, even if you are prepared to let him go if you don't get what you need. (A good move!)

Now that you guys have broken through another intimacy barrier, I'd say that you are on his mind even more. I think he needs to do what aquas do (simply 'other stuff') but he will not want to risk losing you either. He'll now have a sense that if he pushes you too far, he'll alienate you. BUT...heres an important thing - your own advice about not changing things or acting differently with the increased closeness is really great advice.

Since the first time I was intimate with the aqua, to now, I have not changed my behavior around him, not gotten into heavy talks, not gotten moody nor emotional nor 'changed' character with his increased closeness. Regardless of the time gaps, or my emotional rollercoastering, there is a consistency of the experience he has - and that experience makes him feel good. I think its basic human nature to keep on doing what feels good, so I have a lot of trust in him over this situation - despite my rantings!.
Hey - this song really puts me in mind of my aqua situation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=As6EMBmKFrk

I would never do this kind of ranting to the aqua, as I feel its personal emotional stuff that I need to deal with - not unfairly force on him! And despite all my shit, i'm in no rush to move things along anywhere!

Really - what the fuck?!!! Oh man!



ha!
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Just saw your post - great that he contacted you! He said he would this week, and he did - good on him. Sorry, but I'm glad he shocked and contradicted you!

I've received a couple of booty call texts before and even though i'm not for responding favorably to them, i declined in a very nice way that did't make him feel bad for doing it. Hey, if it was a booty call, just look at it solely from the place HE was coming from - he just wanted to be with you! I know these things are a little crass, but entirely harmless nonetheless, and I don't think its right to think badly of him for it. Like I said - he was thinking about you, and wanted to be with you. Partly sort of like his way of missing you.

I'm glad he called - theres a nice timeframe for the all-important 'anticipation' factor to build up by Tuesday.
And no - you don't look stupid courtesy anything the aqua does!


Hey
by: Anonymous

I know...I'm not going to read that much into it. Point is, he said he was going to contact me and he did...even though it was at a suspect time, he was thinking about me. I think it's too early to start including each other in our daily lives...like spending time during the day, because I have so much going on and he does as well, so it's nice to have the option of seeing him after my day is over. I will admit...I still get insecure when it comes to how he feels about me! There are things he does and says that lets me know he has feelings for me, but then there are days where I get so unsure because of something else he does. It's so up & down, and hot & cold with him. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it all together because it gets too complicated. Looking back at when me and him started talking, it's been 3 months already! I can't believe it, because it doesn't feel like it's been that long. Three months of "talking" and I still have no clue what's going on haha.

Anyway...don't you have a bday coming up, or did it pass already? What are your plans? I was gonna go out of town, but I had to scrap that because I realized I have an exam on the 1st of Nov. I listened to that song you posted, sounds familiar...and the chorus is what seems to ring true. Your advice (or mine) about not changing things is very true, but I will say that it's hard because I do become more affectionate and loving with him with each time I see him. I obviously don't want to freak him out, but I also want him to know that he's making progress. The one thing I won't change is the amount of time I demand from him...or his emotional reassurance (which I secretly sometimes want).

Have you made plans to see your aqua yet?

Sunday
by: Anonymous

Hey,

I hope you take this in the spirit in which its meant...but there were a couple of things from your post that I wanted to respond to, because I think they are 'blocks' to openness.
You said you get insecure about how he feels about you - I understand that very well ! But, you also said "days where you get so unsure because of something else he does". I think thats a danger point, so I just thought I 'd flag it up, just cos of the way that sounds to me.

This guy has never consiously tried to hurt you. He's only ever been about trying to get close to you, in his crazy aqua way. Our imaginations run riot - not just as Scorps, but especially as women. Men and women are just built differently. Women have a capacity to 'imagine' the most innocuous gesture, word, action, text etc. into the worst of crimes - driven by pure imagination. We;'re class acts at whipping ourselves into a frenzy because of how we INTERPRET something. Not because its a fact, but because we present our interpretation of something he does as fact. Most of the time, men aren't actually doing anything 'wrong' - the stuff that goes through our heads just doesn't go through theirs. When you say its so "up & down, and hot & cold with him" - I guess that its worth admitting that it is exactly the same with us as well - so we shouldn't judge too harshly for them being the same.

Your aqua is doing loads of things right and CONSISTENTLY, everything you've described about your interactions say that he's very into you. Just trust that, cos you do already know thats true! Curb the imagination and interpretation, because he is not a negative situation - just one that is rightly taking its time to play out.

I'm having dinner on Tuesday with friends at a nice restaurant in town - same night as your next aqua rendezvous, so i'm sure we'll both be having a fine time of it that eve! What are your new plans for yours/ Is it Friday?

I just wanted you to guard against your imagination running away with itself - this guy doesn't have to jump any hurdles, its fine for him to just be how he is (because however he is, he is undeniably really into you!) - and there is not a single thing he can do to "prove" his feelings for you - just let them be revealed in time - same as yours.

I haven't made a plan to see the aqua - i don't want to instigate that for my birthday! But, if he's true to form, I'll hear from him this week - sometime Mon-Fri - thats my guess, because its in keeping with the usual time frames. Having said that, it wouldn't surprise me if I didn't!

I have a lot to do at the moment, so it doesn't suit anyway - i think i need 3-4 weeks to myself before I allow the 'distraction'! By the way, I've calmed down now! In fact, I think i'm going to back off a bit and see what effect it has. Might be an interesting experiment! Times when I'm used to not seeing him, its easy to be mean...!!!

:D
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So I saw my aqua last night! He went out of town for the day (some football thing), and txt me when he got back. It was nice to see him and catch up on things. He kind of slept over as well. Lol I know that sounds funny, but I say kind of because he woke up at 5 am and left. I think me and him need to get use to sharing a bed together, because I only got about 1 good hour of sleep! It's so hard to sleep sharing a bed with someone. I think in time it's something we'll both get accustomed to.

I know what you mean about your imaginations getting the better of you. Sometimes I wonder if all the negative thinking is a way of self-sabotage, but on a purposeful unconscious level. I don't know if it applies to you, but sometimes I wonder that about myself. It's almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it's not really fair to him to project that kind of pressure.

Anyway...hope you have fun on your bday! I still have no idea what I'm going to do...it's this Sat, so a night out is a definite. I might just do dinner with friends and then go out afterwards. Haven't decided if I should invite aqua or not.

I also hope you hear from your aqua soon. But at the same time, it wouldn't hurt to mix things up a bit. However, I must point out....do you think it would be the right time to try it considering he just opened up to you? He might think you're getting distant due to his emotions and you wouldn't want him to think that would you? Just a thought...

fhl gyyrt;yg
by: Anonymous

What were you saying before..."Whatever you think the aqua will do, they do the exact opposite." Well, you got that right! I'm glad you got together, sounded like you needed a 'fix' - and him too!

Yeah, sleeping in a bed with someone can be uncomfortable - usually, if I want to sleep, I want my bed to myself! However, the aqua is a really unusual exception - sickly as it might sound, we sleep with maximum body-to-body contact the entire night and its sooo comforting and 'right' - and we can stay that way for a really long time! I know you might want to reach for the bucket, but we even hold hands in bed to sleep. Still, its hard to go from that kind of extreme closeness and intimacy....to only seeing him once every few weeks. HOW do they do that??!! Do you think that it is unusual beaviour for a man to be wnat to hold hands/be so physically close all night? It is def a first for me.
Funny, last time we were in bed, at some point I was lying there half asleep with the tip of my pinky finger in the side of my mouth for the longest time. It wasnt until much later when we moved that I realised that I had HIS finger in my mouth, not mine – I couldn’t tell the difference at the time!
Even though I am slightly calmer about missing him, I do wonder if I need to shake things up a bit - I can see myself doing that soon. I think it will go like this... I will be looking to see him more (just to get what I need) - he won't be able to give more and it will make us both back off the situation, still leaving it nicely. I'd then expect months and months of no contact, then a re-kindling. I think that if I want to shake things up, I need to prepare for some pain.

Your communication with your aqua must be clearer now, I certainly hope so! We always have to guard against spinning ourselves into a doubtful emotional frenzy and then it bursting out into a non-sensical "expression" of it to the man. So, I have to figure if thats where I'm at, and what to do about it! You can see how up and down I am at the moment - I think I need a fix too! Deliberate self-sabotage, especially the subconcious kind is an interesting one. It is a way of imaging & then anticipating pain, then BELIEVING it is going to happen, so dealing with it before it gets to that point. All pure imagination! Dangerous stuff.

continued...

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by: Anonymous

I think maybe when the aqua is here, he's caught up in the emotional and physical intensity of it all, but when he's in his 'normal' environment again, he reverts back to his normal settings again - just like we do. I don;'t like all the negative emotional by-product and fallout to my situation at all. I do know its all about me and my imagination/even neediness, if I'm honest, but I'd love to have all that under control. If my aqua ends up thinking i'm getting emotionally distant, it'll be interesting to see what he does about that - my guess is ...you know...nothing & distance!

So, I'm in calm turmoil again, but this can't be allowed to keep on happening, so I'm gearing up for a talk and preparing for some pain & separation - the alternative is to get my attitude sorted out QUICK, or lose the stress another way.

I guess I lied, not really calmer at all !

So, did you guys reach a better understanding of where you stand with each other? Did you open up more? The birthday is tricky - you're at early days, and there will be some element of slight pressure on him to acknowledge your birthday. If you carry on as you are, then your next birthday will be a more normal thing to get together on, but as its just a few days form now and you guys are 'new', I'd say a lot of latitude needs to be given from both sides. Can't make it too big of a deal that he does 'something'.

Isn't it just so crazy how we can fluctuate from calm and logical to illogical negative emotional states. I hate that effect on me, its most disconcerting!

Sorry if this sounds stressy again! But I'm glad you saw and had a good time with the aqua . And yes, you're probably right, you guys need more practice sharing a bed!!

>>>>>>
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Me and my aqua haven't really talked about 'us.' Although he pulled the whole reassurance thing I was talking about in previous posts. After sex, he said something along the lines of "we should do this everyday" and I gave an agreeing acknowledgement. He then asked..."would you want to see me everyday, even if there were no sex involved?" Questions like this throw me for a loop because they're questions I purposely avoid asking him, even though I may be secretly wondering. Anyways...it's questions or gestures like that that let me know he's thinking about me down the road. I still stay calm and cool around him, but increasingly affectionate. I still don't ask for emotional reassurance from him, maybe because deep down I kind of can already sense where I stand with him.

Before you do anything rash...you should talk to your aqua about things, in the manner I mentioned previously. At this point, I think you could do no wrong...especially if you feel you need to mix things up. Or maybe you just need your fix...and need the reassurance that what he said last time he really means because you were expecting him to act differently, but he didn't. After the next time you see him, all this will probably fade away. Like I said, either way...it wouldn't hurt to talk to him about it before devising a scheme that you know probably won't go as planned. You might just get all the answers you're looking for and then some. If he was able to open up and talk about things, then why can't you? It seems only fair that you express what's on your mind as well.

I know how it feels to go up and down...you've witnessed it! But try to keep a clear head before making any unpractical decisions that you might regret later. I think you should see him again one more time, then decide from there. Let the 'talk' flow naturally with no expectations for his reassurance...he=sounding board. Maybe throw some laughter in it to keep it from getting too heavy. All men in general hate the "we need to talk" routine. However, I suspect he'll welcome the conversation because although he may be relieved you haven't, at the same time he's probably curious why you haven't brought up the 'talk' before. It's like there's a big pink elephant in the room and neither one of you is acknowledging it. Your aqua may have been trying to with the last display of emotion, but in a way that wouldn't make you uncomfortable or bringing attention to the fact that you guys are having an affair because it just doesn't sound nice. Either way...I think you can trust him by now to talk about whatever you are feeling.

Have fun on your bday! Hope you get lots of love and enjoyment!

SATURDAY
by: Anonymous

I think I'd better explain something that might put my crazy contradictory rantings into context...

Aside from normal work stuff, I'm being driven absolutely crazy by an ex from years ago. In fact, the very same person that told me & aqua the lies all those years ago. In the time since those days, this guy has turned into a full-blown nuts alcoholic and operates completely outside of reality. I haven't heard from him for over a year - his schtick is to phone me, out of the blue, steaming drunk from somewhere in the world trying to reminisce about "the good times" (There really weren't any!!) But last week, in total, he made over 800 calls to my numbers. Its been driving me absolutely nuts and sleep-deprived as well, not to mention the negative impact on work. He's pretty out-there psychopathic, and I've seen some of the most surreal-crazy behavior from him, but its never been that many calls before. He's abroad, so my options are limited. Its only now, after a couple of night's sleep that I see how stressed I have been generally over the last week. Its tailed off since a few days - but that guy is another story ( a male scorpio, by the way).

I do see that the aqua situation is probably just as it should be for a married man - all your comments were right. I think I just could have used him around. Rapids!

Man, your aqua really wants reassurance from you, bless him! I guess thats what you need from him too, but you have a different way of playing it. In fact, its the kind of stuff that is frowned upon for a woman to do, because it looks needy - but the fact that a man is doing that is quite an endearing change! His needing reassurance must actually be reassuring for you!

You guys have come a long way from 'pulling away' when you've gotten close before. Its really nice to hear. Plus, I think that there is such a thing as 'the awkward stage' before people really get together, and you're past that now. It'll drive itself, I think.

So, determined to 'do something' apart from missing him I sent the aqua a text, and he sent a really sweet reply back about meeting up - so I'm gonna see him on saturday. i've been in a situation before where I planned what I wanted to say when i saw him, but it all just drove itself. This time though, i will open up a bit more and see if he is comfortable talking - or even if I am.

So - its the last time there will be a 5th saturday in october for 823 years. I know i mentioned it before, but I think thats a cool statistic that bodes well for your birthday. Have you invited aqua to spend the birthday yet? It might be the same scenario as him being invited to your cousin's house - he might just prefer to see you when you can be alone. Either way, i guess we'll both be partying on saturday, which is no bad thing!

Well, I wanted to say thanks for your great advice (which i'll be using!) and for your support & patience with all the stressy up & down stuff. I appreciate it - again!








~~~~
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Yuck...sorry to hear about your stalker friend. I'm double sorry that it's a scorpio at that! Talk about having no shame...dude needs some help!

I'm excited about your day planned with aqua! I can't wait to hear all the news and see if there is any progression. Best not to pre-plan the convo in your head. I know I have a habit of doing that, but it's only because I try to prepare myself for every possible scenario, question, or answer that can be sputtered out. I hate being unprepared for anything in life. However, situations like this are best unplanned because they never go accordingly anyway. I think things will be alright and not so scary once you see him. Maybe you'll care to have the talk, or maybe you'll realize it's not that important. Just don't NOT talk about it out of fear...that's the worst thing you can do to yourself.

I haven't heard from my aqua and I don't think I'm going to invite him to dinner. Some of my family is going to be there, and my brother as well...so I'm not really ready for all that interaction. I might invite him out afterwards though...pretty informal at that point.

Well I hope you had/have a great bday week! No stressing or over thinking about your aqua or what is to be said. Keep a clear head until then...if you can!

1
by: Anonymous

Hi there,

Yeah, that Scorp has bigtime problems, but calling me 800 times is actually the LEAST of he shit he's capable of. Basically, he's an empty vessel making loads of noise. Its the crudest thing he can do for attention, and it is attention that he is after. Al his perceptions are filtered through a drink-addled brain and one of his 'tricks' is to try and make me feel sorry for him. That might have worked 10 years ago, but it hasn't for a long time. So, what he wants - attention, sympathy, dialogue etc. only have the result of him being deeply irritating. i'm not scared or intimidated by him in the least - I just want him to go away and STAY GONE! He's a mosquito in the room of life!

Here's a quick example - 10 years ago, when I was seeing aqua, this scorp (with whom i shared an apartment) cam home late and told me that he'd been at a casino with my aqua. He said that the aqua was very upset cos he had lost all his money at the casino, so, on my behalf, the roommate lent him 500. He told me that the aqua would pay me back next time I saw him, but he needed the 500 back from me immediately. He said he only lent aqua the money as a favor to me, and because he knew I liked the aqua. Of course, I never saw the aqua again - and the whole story was fabricated. Aqua really did not like my roommate, he NEVER went out with him, never gambles, isn't interested in casinos and the whole 'incident' NEVER took place. It was just an easy way to get 500 off me, because the scorp himself had lost all his money at a casino. Pretty evil shit. Back then, I had known the guy for years and we were always good friends that had spent a lot of time together and at the time, I never ever imagined that he would do anything like that. This guy is not much of a stalker - I know he keeps tabs on where I'm at, but he is too pathetic to pose any threat to me.

So anyway, back onto more important people...! I'm really looking forward to seeing the aqua, especially this time, for some reason. I'll be using your advice and not planning any big talks, but I do have a feeling that things might undergo a slight shift somehow. All I do know is that we'll have a great time and I'm excited to see him!

So, a big fat happy birthday to you, I hope you have a great time and a fitting celebration of yourself. I even hope you get tipsy enough to booty call the aqua! I'l raise you a glass quietly form here!

Happy birthday!!

Redx


.
by: Anonymous

So I didn't see aqua for my bday. That's all I have to say about that.

!
by: Anonymous

After all that, I didn't see the aqua either!

//////
by: Anonymous

What happened?

56 lihjkvhjfccx
by: Anonymous

Aqua phoned to cancel - he said he'd been out late the night before and was hungover and tired was was feeling like he'd be shit company. He sounded like it on the phone as well.

I wasn't too disappointed funnily enough - even though I 'couldn't wait to see him' - when he cancelled, I was very slightly relieved - can't explain why! So, I spent a pleasant night on the couch with Simon Cowell instead!

Also interesting is that it gives me back a healthier 'take-it-or-leave-it' perspective, which is good. So, I'm quite sure he'll be in contact in the next few days to rearrange. The last time he cancelled, it wasn't a big deal either, but he did really make up for it. But I don't feel like jumping to rearrange too soon either, almost as if I've lost the 'hankering' to see him that I had over the last few weeks!

When a man that i've been stressing over cancels because he is tired and hungover, it does partly indicate where is is coming from. I have said that I wanted to know what was going on in his head, and that is a good indicator. An honest indicator. So, my reaction (not decision, 'reaction'!) is just to calm right down about it. His gesture only has the importance I attach to it, and it actually did me a little favor. And... he never mentioned my birthday, so that helps with a better attitude too!

Now, I'm not gonna ask you any questions, as I picked up the 'so-subtle-you'll-miss-it-if-you-blink' hint (.."thats all I have to say about that."). But I hope you had a good birthday & Halloween.

Funny, on Halloween, a 3-year old turned up at my door with his older sister and said 'Trick or Treat?!". As I looked down at this tiny boy dressed as a rubber skeleton, I was very tempted to reply "Trick please, I'm curious to see what you're capable of!' - but of course, I didn't! On my birthday, I always end up with boxes of chocolates that I don't want. So, a few days later on Halloween, I get to unload them to the local trick or treaters. I just 'repackage' 4 or 5 chocs in colored tissue & foil & it generally works out that with some people who have bought me expensive chocolates, those very chocs are consumed by their own 5-year olds! Thats always my 'resident evil" secret for Halloween!

So - yeah, aqua cancelled, and I think it did my attitude a world of good - better than of he had come and we'd had a great time! That make sense?!

Meantime, I still haven't addressed the groping lawyer 'convo' that I need to have,. So now I'm getting these messages saying stuff like "Talk to me. let me know you're okay.' Fu'ssake! so, that convo is on the list of people to deal with today!

Listen you, be well.
Redx

Funny
by: Anonymous

Hey -

I know how you feel when it comes to excuses for why someone can't see you. It's funny that I'm in the same situation with my aqua as well! Although, I think your aqua was right to cancel if that's how he was feeling. Obviously he feels like he always has a good time with you and doesn't want to bring that bar down by being around when he's not up for anything. I can see why you would question it though...if he really wanted to see you, he would have just brought his ass over right?! However, have you ever felt so shitty the next morning after a night out?....I have. I kind of felt that way the morning after my bday, when you can't sleep well because your stomach is just doing flips and the rooms starts spinning...not fun! Anyway, it sucks that he cancelled, but remember that you cancelled over a pimple before!

I didn't see my aqua this weekend like we planned. The day of my bday I asked if he wanted to go to a party with me...he said he was at a football game and would let me know. Basically he told me he couldn't make it. When I left the party, I asked if he could meet me at this bar, he said no because he was with his friend and wasn't driving. At that point I just gave up. I didn't see him yesterday either or hear from him. Today (Mon), he txt me and asked how my weekend was. I waited 2 hrs before responding with a simple one liner. He responded "Good. Good to hear." and I never responded back and I'm not going to. I feel disappointed that I didn't see him, I guess because I knew that he knew it was my bday weekend. I was expecting some effort on his part to at least see me like we planned. If it was any other weekend I probably wouldn't care, but I do because it was my bday. I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for this particular type of man. I don't think I can handle a man that's so distant and seemingly inconsiderate.

You're up and now I'm down...go figure!

ah.
by: Anonymous


Hey,
You know, when the aqua cancelled, I didn't think he was "making excuses" - I think his reason for cancelling was valid - ie. that he was hungover & tired. So, I don't have a problem that he cancelled for those reasons. And he told the plain simple ugly truth about why. I also prefer that he phoned instead of texted. So, I think more good came from his cancelling than bad - he phoned, he was honest, my attitude straightened up and Aqua did absolutely nothing wrong!
Either way, I’ve just come through a period of ‘high emotionals’ over the aqua, adn I’m very glad that I didn’t do anything rash in that state – as was your advice!

Your 'not seeing aqua' situation I think is completely different. I 'blame' you for that one. (Hear me out!!!)

Initially, you said that you asked aqua for birthday ideas, but did not invite him. If that were the other way around, you'd pick up a hint that he didn't want you there.

Your birthday changed plans from being out of town to being IN town, but for either one, you didn't invite the aqua, despite discussing bday things with him. Before your birthday, you said that with your family around, there would be too much "interaction" going on. You said that you "might" invite him for drinks after, but as a casual/informal thing after your main birthday bash. It sounds like the birthday plan came together without actually factoring him into the main gig.

If aqua said to you "hey, its my birthday on saturday - come for drinks AFTERWARDS - how would you interpret that?! Would you go?

So, this is how I read it...it was right on the day of your birthday that you asked him, but he had already made plans. Understandable, its short notice by then. So, after the party, he is with his friend and its all too late to get together - again understandable, but understandably disappointing as well.

So then he texts you after the weekend to see how it all went, and the response is a little frosty. I totally totally understand how disappointing it must have been not to see him on your birthday - and YES, it does make a big difference that it is your b'day, its a big deal !! But overwhelmingly, I can't see that he did a thing wrong, and I think that the result is directly and solely because of the way that YOU played it. And partly because he is not a mind-reader.

continued...

FJSKLHTO
by: Anonymous

Throughout the whole planning of the birthday, he was excluded from the main event. Asking him on the day when he's already made other plans, then late at night was probably simply too late in the day to make it happen. He didn't do anything wrong and I think doesn't deserve any silent treatment, because, in fact, I think he did everything as right as he could under the circumstances. I don't think he had a "lack of effort", so much of a lack of proper choice so late in the day.

My big kick in the teeth to you is that from what you've described, "distant and seemingly inconsiderate" apply more to the way you handled/are handling it than the way he did. Ouch - I'm just trusting that you don't take this as any kind of insult, cos it is absolutely NOT meant that way.

The timing is also really awkward - you only just got together, so it is hard to negotiate the expectations that go with a birthday, when your own relationship is still being established. Next year, things will fall so much easier into place. And yes, there will be a next year, because you two are very very into each other - otherwise it wouldn't hurt that you didn't have him around the way you wanted to.

This all has the potential to be a really unnecessary flashpoint. Instead of the silent treatment (he'll never figure out what he is supposed to have done wrong) just use the words "I feel.." and COMMUNICATE! That way, there is no arguement, no blame, no criticism - instead, you're telling him, (in a way that a man can understand) what the problem is. If he understands what the problem is, in a clear way & without blame, then he can do something about it. If you do not articulate it, he'll be in the dark about it - AND punished for it as well! Not healthy for him, and it does you no favors either. If you tell/text him something like:

"I feel disappointed that we didn't get to see each other on my birthday. Lets make up for it?!" Then the answer will definitely be positive, and you've moved past it, and you'll go on to have a great night.

continued...

JHK.GK
by: Anonymous

I read some interesting advice - basically, if a man pisses you off, or if you are pissed off at a man, then take a few moments to really concentrate on the emotion you are feeling & try and 'feel it' even more. The idea is that you concentrate on the emotion and how you're feeling to the point where you can DESCRIBE it in words to yourself. So, rather than feeling angry at him, concentrate on what you're feeling so that you can articulate "I feel hurt that he didn't come to see me on my birthday. I feel let down and disappointed because I really wanted him to be there."
Articulating the emotion like that makes it clearer to you what is really happening - and easier to explain to him in a way that HE WILL UNDERSTAND. It also puts him in a position where he can do something about it! That said, I think thats it is appropriate for you to only apply a low level of expectation on him this time.

I hope the above makes sense. Blame & criticism don't belong anywhere in this. You haven't done anything "wrong" - and neither has he. Sending that aqua a text as suggested above will solve this. Last word on this - I think you're precisely "cut out" for this kind of man! He thinks about you when you're not around, has patience, persistence, wants to get close, hints at the future, wants to know how you feel, and he respected (what he understood to be) your wishes by not getting involved in your birthday - (the timing got messy in the end, cos he was already doing something else.) - and he just plain likes you rather a large amount!

I do completely understand the disappointment, I really do. But there were factors that directly affected the outcome, so I think you should take it on the chin. He never jerked you around over the birthday, and now, the one with the power to make this either go good, or go bad lies firmly with you.

Ok, thats all my thoughts on it. Sorry for the 'blamey' tone, I don't mean any offence. I'm interested to see what your thoughts are on the above.

Take care x

For all the confused women
by: NumbAqua

Hello, I read some of your stories and as an Aqua man, I'd like to say that if I ever cancel on your birthday , I don't care much about you at all. I had a few fwbs before and frankly, I like their companies even without the sex. I can do without it. I love cuddling women in bed. However, only the one I love , I'd care and do everything for her. Even I was having a fever , hangover, have a meeting with friends etc unless I'm seriously ill. I'll always make time for her especially on her special day because she's my special girl.If you aren't , don't be folled into thinking and making up excuses for me. I don't make excuses for being a "jerk" I am because I'm not serious with you. Just enjoy some moments together till I'm gone. There is only one girl who captured my heart and if you asked her about me, you'd wonder where has "hot and cold", distant thing , inconsiderate, air head man gone? That's because she'd real to me and I can see a future with her. So really, I only exhibit those traits only when I don't care for you and don't take you seriously. Even when you're my firlfriend, if I still treat you like that, you know that you won't be in it for long. That means I'm still looking for the one.
Thank you and have a good day.

fluyvzdhfk
by: Anonymous

Hi Numb Aqua,

Interesting post. You seem like a settled man who knows that he wants a future with a particular woman. I did wonder what attracted you to a thread that has a title about a married Aquarius man having an affair.

This is a public forum, so of course, people are free to contribute. However, it helps to read through the posts properly and get an understanding of someone's situation before posting your response. A matter of courtesy, even.

Good luck to you - she sure sounds like a lucky woman if you're prepared to turn up on a date with a fever & a hangover!

PP - if you want to use a private email address, try :
IAmRedOktober@Gmail.Com


hmmm...
by: Anonymous

Red...

I can really see where you're coming from and trust me, I thought that I couldn't be that upset with him either because we really didn't make any set plans...just to see each other over the weekend. However, that never happened. I see what you're saying about not inviting him to dinner and perhaps him interpreting that a certain way...but you also mentioned that it's kind of early in the relationship to go in circles about the whole bday situation, and this is exactly why I didn't invite him to dinner and just for drinks after. I felt it was a win-win to that situation because it wasn't too formal but yet I included him in my day. I think I should explain my logic. First...the dinner included friends, cousins, aunts, and my brother who would surely be grilling and analyzing this man. I have NEVER brought any man around my family yet...so this would have meant something...something I'm not even sure of yet. I also want to mention that aqua doesn't have a full-time job, which = little $. He just finished school for his teaching credentials and unfortunately teachers aren't being hired at this time statewide due to budget cuts. Factoring all this together, I felt like I was doing him a favor. My family would have expected him to fork over some money to help pay for the dinner...money he probably doesn't have. And I feel it's only natural for them to expect that because my family would want to make sure I'm being taken care of. That being said, I didn't even want to put that kind of pressure on him since we're not that serious. At the same time, I couldn't tell him that was the reason I didn't invite him to dinner either.

cont.

cont.
by: Anonymous

I'm just upset I didn't see him is all. I know I can't be mad about it because there were no set arrangements, just very broad terms of seeing each other. But it still gets me because we didn't see each other at all like we planned. I don't think aqua got upset or even read into my 'not including him' into my plans because that is honestly not the vibe I'm getting. I think he's well aware of how early things are between me and him. I have conflicting feelings about him still...I think this incident just brought up other things I'm questioning. For example, you know he has never taken me out on a date? We've meet for drinks and whatnot, but a real actual date we've never been on...and to be quite frank, it kind of bothers me. I know he doesn't have money...but I know for a fact he can afford a movie or even a $20 dinner. But how am I suppose to mention this to him or communicate this? I don't want or even expect him to take me out every night...I just want one real date. Of course I can suggest it...but how uncomfortable would that be if I had to go dutch with him on the bill? What do I say to him?..."Let's go out on a date, but you have to pay?" It definitely wouldn't make me feel taken care of. I'm not sure if you understand where I'm coming from, but how can I say I'm dating someone if we've never been on an actual date....? And it's obviously not about money, or else I wouldn't be giving him the time of day...but as independent as I am, I still want to feel that masculine gesture of a man providing for me...and the romance of a man taking you out without you having to worry about anything. Yes we're in the beginning stages, but it's never too early to take someone on a date!

I don't question whether he likes me or not...I do think he has feelings for me. However, I'm beginning to see that he's not use to thinking outside of himself. I can see why though, being single for so long, and only having semi-serious relationships doesn't fully open you up to others. I don't expect you to see or get why I think this, or where I'm coming from. But have you ever met a guy that you know has potential to be a great boyfriend/partner, but you know you have your work cut out for you. That's him. Sorry...I'm just really on one right now.

Well I'm glad that you're more stable now than I am...haha...I knew this was going to happen. I will keep your email handy just in case. In the meantime, I have no problem putting out my business or allowing others to offer 'advice'

NumbAqua - I see your points...and they are very valid. But I would read thru the entire thread before offering advice or comparing situations to your own. Lucky girl you have there I must say.

JUST INFO
by: AQUARIAN

DEAR RED OKTOBER,

JUST FOR INFO, I WOULD SUGGEST YOU GO TO SITE BECKY ON AQUARIUS MAN ( AND SO ON). YOU WILL GET MANY INSIGHTS FROM OTHERS INCLUDING AQUARIUS MEN.
YOU CAN TYPE IN GOOGLE IN THIS MANNER AND BE LEAD TO THE SITE. ALSO INFO AVAILABLE IS ON SCORPIO/AQUARIUS, AQUARIUS IN LOVE AND SO ON.

THANK YOU

****
by: Anonymous

Red...

So I just out the site that was mentioned...and it's pretty useful. You notice that the Scorp/Aqua compatibility is the only forum on this site that allows for continuous posting on a particular subject. I wonder why that is...??

I saw my aqua last night and we had a convo about 'us.' He stated whenever I want to see him, all I have to do is call...so I let him know that I try and give him his space and freedom, not to mention I have my own shit going on. He said that he does like me, but at the same time he is very cautious and he tried to explain why but I guess couldn't find the words or rationalization. I told him that I understand and it's ok because I can completely relate to the cautiousness. He said that he knows I'm different and thinks we should spend more time together. We both reassured each other that it wasn't just about the sex. He also brought up the time when we had that long gap of not talking and stated he thought I was just backing off and trying to figure out what I wanted. I told him that I think about him a lot and miss him sometimes, and we both agreed to be more open with each other.

I think me and him are making progress, and I'm glad we got some things cleared up. I'm still going to give him his space, but reach out more just to say hi or let him know that I'm thinking of him. Even though we both agreed to be more open, I'm not going to rush things or act differently. I want things to progress as they should, and I'll try to incorporate him more into my life little by little.

Sorry about the crazy rant I had earlier. How are things coming along with you?

GJKLAGJ
by: Anonymous


AQUARIAN,

Thanks for the info!

PP,
Man, this is the 3rd time I've tried to reply! Just now I clicked something and the page just disappeared -I've no idea where. A couple of nights ago, I typed one of those really long posts, then my computer crashed and I lost it all. It was so late, I didn't have the heart to re-type.

Drafts 1 & 2 each started with an apology. Having read your post describing WHY you didn't invite the aqua to your birthday bash, I wanted to say sorry for blaming you and for saying so much about so little. From what you described, not inviting him was really considerate of you.

Not going on a date is a tricky situation to handle. You can't demand to be taken on a date, but at the same time, he should know that he should. I think that men want be able to take a woman out in the manner that he'd like - but feel uncomfortable and very embarrassed if they can't afford 'the manner he'd like'. I can understand if aqua wants to take you to dinner, but would feel shitty about doing so on a budget. I think that is a universal male pride thing. Maybe in his head, he wants to take you out, but doesn't want to have to say "Can you limit yourself to just two drinks, please, because I'm poor." Maybe thats how he views it??

I'm a little more forward than most - so if it were me, I'd MAKE him lay on a date, but playfully suggesting that we have a 'date-off'. See who can lay on the best date, for say a budget of $20 - AND get judged for it at the end! It adds a really fun element, but would also focus his mind and imagination on making sure he 'beats' you in the dating stakes. I would go first to set the bar for him to beat!

CONTINUED....

ML/N'
by: Anonymous

Now, this might sound a bit silly to you, and you might think that you shouldn't have to resort to stupid games just to get him to take you on a date. And you might be right! But... there is the flipside, which is having two great fun nights where you each end up making really making sure that the other has a good time.

If suggesting a $20 budget sounds patronizing to his finances at the moment, then I would say that it just makes it a proper challenge. I'd also half-jokingly suggest marks for ambience, imagination' etc. Like I said, its a fun suggestion and most importantly, would result in him thinking about how to arrange a date to impress you!

No word from the aqua, and i'm really surprised. When either of us has cancelled before, its been quickly rearranged. More surprising is that I'm not bothered! Its so strange given how intense things have been, to just feel nonchalant about it at the moment. So, I've no idea what is going on there and it doesn't matter! What a change-around!

Otherwise, I finally had that chat with the groping lawyer! he was texting and calling, so I finally decided that I'd better take the call and explain. His first question was "Have you been avoiding me?!", to which I replied, 'Yes, I have." I just went straight to it and told him that his behavior left me very uncomfortable. I didn't spare his feelings at all. At first he denied any wrong-doing, then he said that he didn't remember, then he came up with his own version of events that made him look innocent. The call ended in tears, but not mine. So, after years of a nice little friendship, I won't be seeing him again.

Ah - I just saw your post - great to hear that you and aqua are figuring it all out bit by bit. You're wise to let it play out in its own time, and its great that you guys are communicating like that.

I'm curious what you think of the 'date-off' idea!!

I did originally type other stuff, but I can't remember it all right now, so will be back!

Redx


Haha
by: Anonymous

Your comment, "Can you limit yourself to just two drinks, please, because I'm poor." had me dying laughing! That was so too funny! That's actually a good idea & might be some fun. Actually, the 'going out' topic was something we kind of talked about during our 'us' convo. This is when I noticed how observant he was of our relationship. He said that we use to go out before (for drinks) but ever since our relationship became sexual, our interaction has become confined to my place. He wasn't complaining or even suggesting we go out...it was more so like he was talking out loud to himself. I totally agree with him, as it's something I noticed as well. So the next time we make plans, I'm going to take it outside of my place...and try to continue building an intellectual connection with this man.

I also noticed a slight difference in him last night. We saw each other Friday night, the next night I was out with some friends but text him because I wanted to see how his last football game went. Usually after a day of seeing each other, he comes off distant and cold when I reach out to him. However, this time he was pretty inviting and open. It might mean something, it might not, but either way it was something I noticed.

I'm glad things for you have become more calm and settled. It's weird how our emotions fluctuate, it's almost like getting a period every month. I wonder if there's some scientific explanation for it...? Anyway, do you think you'll reach out to him to reschedule, or are you just going to wait to hear from him?

I checked out that website that was suggested, and it does have a lot of info on there. It's crazy because the stories are always the same with the distance and not knowing what's going on. However, there are things men have posted on there that are pretty informing, but seem to be a common consensus that all the aqua men make when they post. I do think this site is better because people are able to start their own forum topics.

I'm glad you FINALLY got things over with your lawyer friend. It sounds kind of sad though, almost a little pathetic on his part. But of course I don't know him or his situation, but I do wish him the best of luck!

apo jgqa
by: Anonymous


Hey,

The date thing is fun, I remember doing that years ago, kinda by mistake. Millions of years ago, I went out with an artist. He was good fun, and terminally poor. I remember being surprised when he said he wanted to take me shopping. We ended up having a blast going to different stores and 'dressing each other'. I picked out different 'looks' that he had to try on - and he picked out all sorts of outfits for me to try. He had a disposable camera and we took lots of silly pics. That date was a big laugh al day that I still remember fondly now. It was only after that I realized it didn't cost a cent. He also had some success taking me to dinner in nice restaurants by drawing portraits of the owner - whom had met during the day and arranged it with. He kinda 'drew' for his supper. A sweet guy, but totally ambitionless, which wore thin after a while!

I haven't heard from the aqua, but I'm not going to call him. Not out of stubbornness, I just don't feel like it. Just for very basic self-respect issues, I really think he should contact me, if he wants to. Cancelling, then not rearranging (its been over a week) is a big sign in itself. There is a difference between me texting him to meet up and me 'chasing' him! So, I'm happy to do nothing, especially since I have to work at a super-human rate this month.

I have a feeling that I won't hear from him for a long time. Its unusual behavior, so I'm assuming that he is just in a different place about it all. So,I'm actually putting him out of my mid for now - and I'm sure I'll see him at some point in a month or two - or not, as the case may be. And, as I said before, I'm very cool and un-anxious about it.

Actually, I'm still annoyed about the groping lawyer. I thought we had a good friendship there. So, first I get loads of texts saying he wants to know if i'm okay - then when I tell him I'm not okay - he takes no responsibility for his behavior. I do feel sorry for him as well, because I think he knows no better. Ah well - disappointing, but not a 'standards-dropper'.

Q4TV51Y6
by: Anonymous

So - communication between you and your aqua sounds like its firing on all cylinders, which is fantastic. Big difference in personal well-being between communication and silence! He seems to counter a lot of what you were previously unsure about with a lot of positivity - when before you were seeing negativity. So, they may be uncommunicative sometimes, but with your aqua, he was obviously thinking fondly of you during your periods of no contact. And what deep thinkers they are! Isn't it so sweet when they come out with something unexpected that shows that they have savored all your past interactions!? Your aqua is getting more and more reassurance each time he sees you, so I'm not so surprised that his attitude reflects that. I can't see anything that you should be guarded about!

My advice is not to take any advice - you don't need any!
I don't think I'll have any 'aquatics' to report anytime soon, but I'll check in anyway. It amazes me that I was so up and down about it before and have flatlined on it all somewhat. I don't like him any the less, just a reaction to recent events.

I did check out the other site, and even though it echoed the same points in an interesting and enjoyable way, I found myself not motivated to spend much time reading through, so I'll look it over again at some point.

So, take it easy - keep me posted & I'll catch you soon!

Redx






UHF'
by: Anonymous

Hey again -

just a quick one... Don't you think its sooooo strange for my aqua to go from all that previous intense stuff I've described, to completely silent?! I do. I'm thinking that he just needs to go off and do everything else he normally does and just...I suppose live his life 'normally'. Whether its on stop or pause, it will only ever go in the direction of the Rapids. Oh man, what a ride though!

I'm still perfectly content with the status quo, but he sure did go from hot to cold quickly. Hey - I read a funny thing I just thought I'd share....(I think it is actually true!)

The top 3 things that men think when they see a woman naked...
1) Suck my belly in, suck my belly in...
2) When did I last change these sheets?!
3) Suck my belly in, suck my belly in...

Its a funny observation, especially since we know how differently men and women think about things!

Anyway, I hope things are cool at your side - I think you're both on a roll ! This website has been so useful, and your thought and advice have been a great support in figuring out all the complexities - and just to rant! Imagine the time before the internet - people just had to figure out all the shit by themselves!

Stay well!


&&&&
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I'm not sure what his deal is. To be quite honest, no I don't think it's weird for him to blow hot then cold...it's such a typical aqua thing to do! You also have to remember his situation and how that might be factoring in. I'm glad that you're still calm about it all though. I also don't see anything wrong with you reaching out to him and trying to rearrange things. Or if you prefer to stay distant because it's not bothering you, that works fine too. It's so hard to tell what that man is thinking, or any man for that matter. However, I don't think it's anything bad, and I doubt his feelings for you are any different than they were when he saw you last. Have you tried just shooting him a friendly text? You don't have to make the effort to see him again, you can leave that up to him....but saying hi doesn't hurt either way.

Me and my aqua have plans to see each other tomorrow. I'm still deciding on what to do because I want to get out of the house and do something, and I'm tired of just going to get drinks. What I really want to do is go to the shooting range with him, I think that would be so fun...but I have to save that one and ask him. He also informed me that he's been interviewing for jobs outside of him being a substitute teacher and doing football, which I think is great for him. So far me and him are doing well, but it sucks because sometimes I feel like if I start getting comfortable, the other shoe will drop...or he'll run off or something. I know it sounds crazy and just really insecure....but I think this kind of thinking stems from the abandonment from my mother. I'm working on it and I do catch and stop myself...so I'm trying to train myself to let go of the pessimism.

Anyways, I need to get some studying done. Thanks for being a support system for my crazy life with aqua!

tow\tj
by: Anonymous

Hi PP,

Just thought I'd post up to say...nothing! Not heard from the aqua, not concerned! I didn't want to go quiet on you, but I do have a feeling that I won't hear from the aqua anytime soon. I just have a feeling he has gotten cold feet about it for his own reasons. And I'm not curious what those reasons are! It is bizarre to go from all that to this, but its cool too. I'm absolutely not going to text or call him, thats for sure. Again, I don't think any the less of him, I'm just assuming he's doing the same as me and simply doing his usual life stuff, same as me! Bizarre!

I don't think you need to worry about your aqua running off anywhere. He's been trying for a really long time to get close to you, and he wouldn't have been looking for so much reassurance if he didn't need it. Besides, once he knows you can shoot a gun, I'm sure he'll do whatever you say! Shooting range sounds fun.

If you do feel yourself getting insecure bout the aqua, there is a funny trick you can try. Focus on exactly what the insecurity is - for example "I keep on thinking that he'll lose interest and drift away from the relationship." So, get it straight in your own mind what the fear is.... Then, repeat it out loud, in the voice of Marge Simpson. I know, I know, it sounds sooooo stupid, but actually, it instantly makes you laugh out loud at your own insecurity, and vaporizes it. For that to work properly, you have to go full-throttle, no holds barred all-out Marge Simpson, OUT LOUD. Don't hold back. And don't hold back. Try it with your worst case scenario with aqua!

OK - its Sunday night, and I have a lot of work to do in preparation for the week. I hope the shooting thing works out, sounds cool.

Redx

Hey
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Well I didn't end up seeing my aqua last thurs...he said he was too tired. It didn't bother me, although I did want to see him. He txt me on Sun to say hi, but we still haven't arranged a next get together. I've been so busy with studying and school, I feel like my head is going to explode. I want to arrange a time to meet with him this week, but I feel like I'm usually the one who takes the initiative to try and arrange things, so I don't know if I will or not or I might....who knows.

After stating what I said above, I see why you don't want to set things up with your aqua as well. I wonder why you're having such doubts about you and him. Is it just your insecurities, or do you genuinely feel things are shifting away from you two? I'm interested to hear what your take is on the whole thing and if you feel things are about to be kaput for you guys.

What are your plans for the holidays? Are you going to see any family? I'm looking forward to all the food I'll be getting to eat next week, that's one thing I've been thinking about for a month now!

aquatics
by: Anonymous

Heya,

The last time I arranged to see aqua, it was me that sent the text. I have taken the initiative a few times, even though I think he has more. With the last time, I sent a text saying "should we meet up soon?" - and his reply was "We should. How soon would you like? X" So we arranged it for a few days later and I didn't hear from him all day. So i sent a text late in the afternoon, and, unusually, I got no reply. So, about 7-ish in the evening, I texted again to say that "I haven't heard from you, so I assume that we should rearrange sometime." So then he phoned straight after the text and sounded bleary-eyed - he apologized and said that he had been out late the previous night and was tired and hungover, and he'd call me the next day. He didn't call the following day, and I haven't heard from him since - its been nearly 3 weeks since that call. So, I don't want to chase him around by calling him, and I am sure that he's just doing his normal daily/weekly stuff.

I was surprised that it has played out this way, especially since the last time I saw him was when he came over 2 nights in a row and we had such a lovely time. I really really like this guy, but its not dependent on him acting a certain way - I just like him! At the same time, I have so much to do at work that its actually working out well for me. If I had to guess, I'd say he might be thinking 'what the fuck am I doing?! why am I messing around outside my marriage?! my wife doesn't deserve this.." etc. A reassessment of his own behavior in general. Seeing me is the 'wrong' thing to do - and NOT seeing me is the 'right' thing to do by the woman he married. If thats the case, then perversely, its part of what I like about him. He really is a good sort.

Just judging by his actions - not calling, then cancelling, then not calling, theres a big fat signal there for me to back off, which it suits me to do. Trying to see it from his point of view, he is either acting like a total shit to his wife by seeing me, or has to 'drop' me. I think that either way, he realizes that a situation like this has potential to end badly for someone. His choices would include getting closer to me/letting me get closer to him - or doing some damage limitation and quitting now. Either way, my self-worth doesn't come from him (or anyone else!), so he rightly should do just whatever makes him happy.

continued..

turkey tales
by: Anonymous

I have a strong intuition that the above is true, even if it is in the absence of any proper information to go on. So, to answer your question... I don't know! I don't think that any of my comments are 'insecurity-based', it just makes sense for a responsible person to behave the way he has.

I don't have "doubts about me and him", because there is no 'me & him' - its him & his own life! I like him, he likes me, we have a lovely time when we meet and expectations are low on the agenda. I wouldn't call that the worst of situations, and I wouldn't say its kaput. I think he has to go figure it all out for himself, which I won't help by chasing him around and texting him. So....time will tell. I'll know in a week, a month or a decade how it all plays out. He doesn't know either. Thats how I'm seeing things at the moment - how does it all sound to you - does it make sense, or do you have another angle on why he's gone from hot to cold?

Either way, I have come to value your comments advice and support. Isn't it so funny that two complete & anonymous strangers can be so confiding and supportive?! I'm really rooting for you and your aqua!

I think your situation is different to before. Your aqua not wanting to go out because he was too tired can be interpreted this way... he was tired and didn't have the energy to go out - pretty much exactly as he said. But, I do hope that it didn't cause you any worries, because it really shouldn't. When to text him, if you should text him etc. will just work itself out naturally, no dilemma there!

One common thread running through your posts is that you are working hard, which is great, because that is the real end-game stuff. I know what you mean about feeling like the head will explode with workload, but the pay-off is huge. The multitude of smaller achievements, just paper by paper, semester by semester, class by class - they all have that invisible building effect running in the background that will result in a core of rock-solid & unshakable confidence and 'able' powerhouse down the line. You probably already know people who weren't up it the way you are. So yeah, your head will explode if you keep working hard like that, but it will explode with pride, achievement, reward, and massive self-respect. You go girl!

The holidays? You mean Christmas or Thanksgiving? We don't have Thanksgiving here, just Complaining! So, no turkey until xmas! I'm torn between a sun holiday late December or turkey and cold weather! I've been working hard so I am tempted to just take off for a couple of weeks. I'd have to take my laptop and work, but hey...work IN THE SUN, MAN! I'll fix my plans closer to the time, in just a couple of weeks. What do you guys do for Thanksgiving?

Ok, work to do myself - so I'll get to it. You take care, I'll check in later.

Redx

!
by: Anonymous

And...on Thanksgiving, whom are you thanking, and for what?!

@~~%~~~
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I think what you said about your aqua situation makes a lot of sense. Only you know what is generally 'normal' behavior for him when it comes to seeing/contacting you. So if you feel there's a change there, then it could possibly be for a reason. I wanted to give you another perspective that I thought of a while ago, but just didn't mention because I didn't want to be a downer or pessimistic.

I was thinking that what if...now it's ONLY a what if.........that maybe he came back to you the last time and spent two days with you BECAUSE he knew he had to eventually end it. So it was kind of like an informal goodbye so to speak. I could be wrong because he did make plans with you again afterwards...and I think he would have just given some excuse upfront rather than making the plans and then canceling if the above is true. Either way, I'm glad that you're so chill about it and accepting of what ever it is that is going on. But for some reason, I think you'll hear from him again...it's just the question of when.

I reached out to my aqua and said hi...and told him that I would love to see him soon if he has time. He said he did and asked what I was doing this weekend. So we might see each other but we didn't set a day...so we'll see. I find myself wondering how long I can go with just seeing him every other week. I know we both agreed to be more open with each other, which I guess we kind of have because we keep in touch with each other probably more than we use to...or at least there's beginning to be a sense of stability in it anyway. But how open can you be with someone by only spending 1 day with them out of a 2 week span? I feel like it's kind of hard to REALLY get to know him when we only see each other every other week and for just one night. I get confused on what it is that I'm exactly building with him because I'm not getting much to build on if you get what I'm saying.

I'm not upset or on a rant...these are just thoughts that pass my mind occasionally. I'm still pretty calm about it all, but I guess I'm just wondering if this will be enough for me...cause I have a feeling it won't be. I don't doubt that he likes me, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this pace because I don't feel like it's really getting us anywhere. I want to be patient, and I'm a very cautious person myself...but I don't need this much distance to flex my cautiousness. I've NEVER considered myself or will I ever allow myself to be one of those girls who needs to know where it's going...but with him, the distance, the time, the space...I can't help but wonder what the hell is going on here.

Anyway, I have a lot to be thankful for during Thanksgiving. School is going well, my family is good...and the food will be great. I will also be spending xmas in Hawaii, so I'm excited about that! You won't be the only one in warm weather!

lfwijtpcv
by: Anonymous

Hey,

The frequency with which you and aqua see each other will naturally level out to what suits you both, not just one of you. Its still early days in terms of the relationship, and it will definitely find its level.

At this stage, you both know that it is 'safe' to communicate with each other, so as long as you both carry on doing that, you'll get what you need. Feeling insecure in relationships is natural, but it does kinda bring out communication, so maybe its useful.

If you want to see him more than once every 2 weeks (its to long inbetween dates!), then I think that the most product way of telling him is to pick your timing and wording well. There are lots of ways to tell him you want to see him more often, but some ways will prompt him to realise that he wants that too - whereas other ways might seem like he's being criticized.

I would wait until you're with each other anyway, and he is happy, relaxed, feeling secure and loved up. Then say something like "I notice you ask me a lot of questions that look for reassurance from me. Just ask me whatever you want, anytime you want if you need any reassurance from me."
Then say something like:
'Its a bit different for me, I just want us to see each other more often, because thats where I get MY reassurance from. Shall we do that?"

I think this way, he will feel as though he then knows how to make you feel secure. He simply may not work that out for himself without you telling him - BUT...you would have communicated it in a gentle, non-criticising, non-complaining, non-insecure way. The trick is for it not to come out in any way like 'an outburst' that implies that things aren't good enough the way they are - or even if it is subtly implied.

You will get to know each other more, but that will naturally happen over time - not to a timetable, as you know! Try not to be impatient - which is shitty advice, because I wouldn't be able to take it either! When we like someone, logic & reason are hard to apply!

Interesting theory about my aqua coming over because he knew he had to end it. When I first read that, I completely disagreed. Reading it again, I think that you're actually kinda half right, and half wrong about that. I think you have the right idea, but the wrong timing. I've been thinking about it (with your help!) and I think I finally know whats going on with the aqua and why. Your theory prompted a bit of clarity for me.

continued...

jtq'jt\q\
by: Anonymous

I don't think he felt what you suggested as his motivation to come over on the 2nd night - instead, he verbalized how he was feeling and why he came back. He said he needed love and needed me, but emphasized that it was nothing to do with sex - he just wanted to feel how he felt the night before again.

But the next morning (after two really perfect lovely evenings) he would have realized that he had drastically changed his behavior by a) coming over again, b) making himself so emotionally open & vulnerable c) telling me how he feels around me d) using words like "need" and "love".

Thats some shift. I think he freaked himself out by both feeling like that, AND coming back AND verbalizing it. This is an intelligent married man, pretty much telling another woman that he needs her love. Imagine if you were married and suddenly found yourself telling that to another man. Must be a bit of a wake-up call for him, in relation to both his marriage and 'leading me on'. And he is a really decent man. I think that he realized that morning after that the situation with me would have very real potential to mess up his relationship with his wife/his life, IF it carried on. With hindsight, I'd imagine that he decided not to get any closer, and that he should discourage me from feeling any closer to him. So, I think you're right that maybe he felt it was time to stop - but the timing was afterwards, not the night before. None of this occured to me at the time.

After a few weeks, it was me that texted him to meet up and he readily agreed. At the time of him texting me back to meet up, I think he simply forget the intensity of how he felt the morning after the 2nd night. But I think that, on the day we were due to meet up he remembered why it would be better for him to stay away from me. Hence him not following it up.

So, if the above is true, what would his next step be? Text me in a couple of weeks to carry on? Thing is, just like with you and your aqua, certain things are said and done that get you closer each time you get together. Each time we have gotten closer, it moved on from the point at which it was left the previous time. With his words and behavior the last time, that puts the situation on a different level to before. I think that he is scared that the 'next level' is a dangerous game to pursue. Which it is – for him.

I think he wants to cool it right off and not head towards any more risk that he'd fall for me and/or vice versa - as it would be a messy and undesirable thing for him to do. Hence the silence.

CONTINUED...

A'EQEYQ
by: Anonymous

I'm perfectly calm and okay with this. I need all my time for what should be my full time focus - and thats the business. I must admit to having had some really distracted days from work over the aqua a few weeks back, but my focus is well and truly back where it should be. He is such a lovely person, I just think he's the nicest man ever. If I'm right about this, then good for him, and actually, good for me.

Funnily enough, I do expect to hear from him, but not for quite a while. I think that after some time, maybe a few months, he'll want to make a bit of contact purely to see of he gets a friendly reaction (- which he would). Otherwise, I think I’ll hear from him if he has an arguement with his wife or something. I’ll know the difference! If its the latter, I reckon he’ll push to meet up, and if its just to see my reaction, he won’t suggest meeting up. I think meeting him under the wrong circumstances, ie. the same issues will still be there, and it will be 'hot & cold' again.

So, thats my assessment of it - I do feel things have changed and I feel I know whay he’s “gone from hot to cold”. Beyond that, I don’t know, it might take another decade to see how things really pan out. We move in small media circles, so i’m sure i’ll even bump into him out and about. Or...I may never see him again! Who knows?!

Well, xmas in Hawaii sounds just delightful - I was sooooo jealous when I read that! North Africa would be where I was thinking of for the xmas break, but I'm gonna let work dictate what I do - I might just go in the early new year instead.

Well, thanks for listening to my aquatic musings again, but I feel like I kinda worked it out now - but I'll keep you posted!

So, did you guys get together so far this weekend?

Take care,
Redx

opae
by: Anonymous

Hey,

The frequency with which you and aqua see each other will naturally level out to what suits you both, not just one of you. Its still early days in terms of the relationship, and it will definitely find its level.

At this stage, you both know that it is 'safe' to communicate with each other, so as long as you both carry on doing that, you'll get what you need. Feeling insecure in relationships is natural, but it does kinda bring out communication, so maybe its useful.

If you want to see him more than once every 2 weeks (its to long inbetween dates!), then I think that the most product way of telling him is to pick your timing and wording well. There are lots of ways to tell him you want to see him more often, but some ways will prompt him to realise that he wants that too - whereas other ways might seem like he's being criticized.

I would wait until you're with each other anyway, and he is happy, relaxed, feeling secure and loved up. Then say something like "I notice you ask me a lot of questions that look for reassurance from me. Just ask me whatever you want, anytime you want if you need any reassurance from me."
Then say something like:
'Its a bit different for me, I just want us to see each other more often, because thats where I get MY reassurance from. Shall we do that?"

I think this way, he will feel as though he then knows how to make you feel secure. He simply may not work that out for himself without you telling him - BUT...you would have communicated it in a gentle, non-criticising, non-complaining, non-insecure way. The trick is for it not to come out in any way like 'an outburst' that implies that things aren't good enough the way they are - or even if it is subtly implied.

You will get to know each other more, but that will naturally happen over time - not to a timetable, as you know! Try not to be impatient - which is shitty advice, because I wouldn't be able to take it either! When we like someone, logic & reason are hard to apply!

Interesting theory about my aqua coming over because he knew he had to end it. When I first read that, I completely disagreed. Reading it again, I think that you're actually kinda half right, and half wrong about that. I think you have the right idea, but the wrong timing. I've been thinking about it (with your help!) and I think I finally know whats going on with the aqua and why. Your theory prompted a bit of clarity for me.

continued...




^^^^^^^
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I didn't think my perspective on you and your aqua was correct...just something that crossed my mind. I think you're right in everything you said except for one thing. I think he genuinely did plan on meeting with you, but really just was tired. I think it was when he was contemplating when to rearrange a date with you that he began to recollect all the emotions he felt....which is why he hasn't contacted you yet. I think he's trying to be unpredictable by not letting things become too comfortable, which is exactly what made him able to express himself to you that night. He might be trying to avoid that level of comfort for now. But I agree that you will hear from him again. You're doing right by keeping yourself busy.

I saw my aqua last week, it was actually the same day I wrote you...and the same night I expressed to him an interest in meeting up soon. So no I didn't see him this weekend, because I saw him sooner than that. We were able to talk some...kind of like how we use to. I was feeling like things were starting to become too centered around sex, which I still kind of feel like it is. Our sexual chemistry is so crazy that I feel like it's beginning to take away from me and him actually getting to know each other. I'm not complaining for right now....but it's definitely something I will be watching for.

I was talking to my hair dresser who also happens to be a scorp, and she also happens to be into astrology. I told her I was dating an aqua and she was telling me to watch out. I asked her why and she began to tell me how she dated one and it didn't work out because he had a temper and was controlling. I told her our aquas sound completely different. I think the only thing that sounded similar to my aqua is that sometimes he can get a little arrogant in thinking he's right or has everything figured out already....typical aqua trait. I have yet to experience his temper, anger, or even an attitude. He seems to be on such an even keel.

I've never been to North Africa....is it somewhere you've been before? The only hot or tropical places I've been is Hawaii and Cabo, Mexico (loved, loved it there). Thanksgiving is a few days away and I'm getting happy for all the food I will be eating. I don't know why the food excites me so much.

;lotyq' ,]q5
by: Anonymous

Hey,

When relationships are new, the sex is hot - really no getting away from that. I think that its an essential part of getting to know people, because barriers are broken down and people are generally at their most relaxed and emotionally open afterwards. And thats the point when people really WANT to talk. If all you ever seem to do is have sex - its no bad thing for the obvious reasons, but it certainly is not at the detriment of getting to know each other more. It makes you more connected and builds a sort of closeness whereby their partner is the natural person that they would want to open up to. If someone doesn't open up right away, they will certainly feel more sure that they are with someone that they can open up to. Does that make sense? I think we both need to watch our tendencies to want to analyze everything, so maybe a little flag up to just relax?

The funny thing is that you never know the moment when someone says something that adds another depth of understanding to them. People just naturally, in conversation or context, just open up at all kinds of times. You and me included. I can often surprise myself with some of the personal insights I volunteer about myself sometimes! Things I might not have intended to reveal.

Did you manage to communicate that you'd like to see him more often?

I think your hairdressers advice is well-meaning, but misleading. There is a world of difference between personality and behavior. People who are controlling are massively insecure people - and thats to do with life experiences, not inherent personality traits. Having a temper is all about ow someone deals with things, not who they are - they simply don't know another way of communicating how they feel.

continued...



P ,EFK
by: Anonymous

Still 'jellus' (misspelling it to take the sting out of it!) of your Hawaii trip. Actually, Hawaii sounds the very epitome of exotic to me. I've been to North Africa a few times. The reason I like it is because of its complete 'differentness' to anything that is familiar to me. Culturally, culinarily, architecturally, socially - all of it is so distractingly different from anything in my normal life that it is truly a complete "break" and vacation from work. Workwise, I think about work issues all the time - angles, deals, attracting new clients etc. Its not a bad thing, because I do a lot of thinking, planning, strategizing etc. and I always find it stimulating and productive. Actually, I just can't help myself. That said, its good to take a break from it and the best way is to go to crazy places that really are a total distraction.

I once went to Iceland in the middle of winter, where there were 35mph freezing winds and total darkness at 11am! I did this, because i just needed absolute distraction for the weekend before work started again on Monday. Was I completely distracted from work? Yes. Would I go again? Not in this fucking life!

But... I still have a lot that I want to do with work, so I'm still pondering whether to go early January instead of xmas. Use the time to get things done, or use the time to take a break? Hmm.

You know, I thought your last post ended a little intriguingly - "I don't know why the food excites me so much". Is it because all the best stuff comes out at Thanksgiving? How do you rate your relationship with food? Is there a 'thing' there?

Well, I haven't mentioned the aqua during this post. I think between us we've worked out where he's at! Whats the aqua trait - after a period of distance, do they pretend that there never was a silence in the first place? Is that right?

Well, I'll keep you posted! By the way - when you have been together with your aqua and he leaves - do you just leave it open as to when you'll see each other again - or do you make a rough arrangement at the end of the time you've spent? Its a natural opportunity to make sure you see each other more frequently, as suits you. Just a thought.

I've just reminded myself of the last time with the aqua. In the morning, it really seemed to me like he suddenly wanted to leave, and then couldn't get out of the place quick enough. But when he came back the next night, he said he "really didn't want to leave". Go figure!

:(
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I have a lot on my mind so bear with me. I haven't communicated with my aqua about seeing him more. However, I did txt him today hoping that we could meet up and have drinks or something. He never replied to me and I'm writing this message super late so there's no chance he'll reply after I write this. I was hoping that I could break the cycle of seeing him every other week or even hearing from him just once a week by texting him. I know that every time I come on here and write something, there's always an expression of doubt that I have towards him...but I can't help it and please understand why.

I've really been trying to suggest to him things that we can do together but it's just not working. He just never seems like he's up for anything and I'm not like that...I'm very adventurous and want to experience things. When we first met, he mentioned to me that he doesn't really like going to the movies...so that's out. I also mentioned to him that I would like to visit the zoo around here...and he just seemed uninterested and stated he heard the zoo wasn't that good. But it's really not the point, I just want to go because I can. The last time I saw him I asked if he would go to the shooting range with me and he stated he really doesn't like guns. I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems like he's a boring guy, but I know that he's not because he's always out with his friends doing something, so I'm beginning to wonder if it has something to do with me....that I'm just not a priority to him.

I know now it has nothing to do with money, because as much as he goes out with his friends (not to mention he recently flew out to Vegas to meet up with his boys) money obviously isn't that much of an issue to him. It's very clear to see that I'm not priority in his life, and he feels he doesn't have to go thru those motions with me. I'm so much NOT a priority in his life....that he doesn't even feel the need to take me out on a proper date. How sad is that. He's not thinking about my feelings...only his. He does what he wants to do....but doesn't take into consideration what I would like.

cont.

:(
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I have a lot on my mind so bear with me. I haven't communicated with my aqua about seeing him more. However, I did txt him today hoping that we could meet up and have drinks or something. He never replied to me and I'm writing this message super late so there's no chance he'll reply after I write this. I was hoping that I could break the cycle of seeing him every other week or even hearing from him just once a week by texting him. I know that every time I come on here and write something, there's always an expression of doubt that I have towards him...but I can't help it and please understand why.

I've really been trying to suggest to him things that we can do together but it's just not working. He just never seems like he's up for anything and I'm not like that...I'm very adventurous and want to experience things. When we first met, he mentioned to me that he doesn't really like going to the movies...so that's out. I also mentioned to him that I would like to visit the zoo around here...and he just seemed uninterested and stated he heard the zoo wasn't that good. But it's really not the point, I just want to go because I can. The last time I saw him I asked if he would go to the shooting range with me and he stated he really doesn't like guns. I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems like he's a boring guy, but I know that he's not because he's always out with his friends doing something, so I'm beginning to wonder if it has something to do with me....that I'm just not a priority to him.

I know now it has nothing to do with money, because as much as he goes out with his friends (not to mention he recently flew out to Vegas to meet up with his boys) money obviously isn't that much of an issue to him. It's very clear to see that I'm not priority in his life, and he feels he doesn't have to go thru those motions with me. I'm so much NOT a priority in his life....that he doesn't even feel the need to take me out on a proper date. How sad is that. He's not thinking about my feelings...only his. He does what he wants to do....but doesn't take into consideration what I would like.

cont.

Cont.
by: Anonymous

I thought that maybe if we saw each other more, we would be able to get there and maybe break down that barrier...or that he would take me into consideration more. But I can't even get him to respond to me if it hasn't been past a week since we last saw each other. I also notice that I reach out to him way more than he initiates contact with me. There's no telling how long he could go without communicating with me because I haven't allowed it to get too long. When we see each other, it's also because I initiate it. I can't even remember the last time we saw each other because HE wanted to see ME. Not to mention, he still won't stay the night with me. I'm talking a full night and wake up with me the next morning. He prefers to leave and sleep in his own bed still.

All this is bothering me so much that I've actually shed tears. I don't know how I've allowed myself to even get to where I am with him. I deserve so much better....better than me having to reiterate to him that this is what I deserve. Honestly I want to walk away and just end things with him because I can't take this...I'm getting bored and feel so unvalued. But I care about him...and I have no idea why when I look up and read everything I just wrote. This man hasn't done shit for me but fuck me. No dinner, no flowers, no going out....he literally makes me feel like I ain't shit to him.

I'd rather be alone again than have someone make me feel this way. I'm sorry if you don't understand where I'm coming from but you just have to feel how he makes me feel with his actions. Yes, I know he likes me...but if this is his version of liking someone, it's not for me. It's not good enough. I want to talk to him about it, but I don't know how I would even approach it. If I do say something to him, I can't walk on egg shells and worry about there being an "emotional overload" for him because I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm tired of catering to his needs all the time. I don't want any of this anymore. It's time for things to change, or for us to both move on.

As for Thanksgiving, I think I love the food because I love good food. I sometimes think I should be a food critic. I like to eat, but I'm by no means fat, chubby, or overweight. I have a 27' waist....it ain't tiny but it's definitely not big either. I have the luxury of being able to eat what I want...but I need to stop that because I can feel it catching up to me. I should also mention I have a really bad sweet tooth.

Yes aquas do like their distance...only to come back like nothing ever happened. They absolutely do drop the ball, but they manage to keep it rolling.

ijap'rg
by: Anonymous

I've defended your aqua a lot before now. Mainly because men and women really are wired up soooo differently, and its open ground for all sorts of miscommunication. Remember that adage "Its not how you feel about him, its how he makes YOU feel" ? - Well its always good to remember it and be aware of it when it comes to looking after our own well-being. It is the clear perspective that can make you stop and see things past the 'love-goggles'.

He might be the greatest guy in the world, but if you feel "under-valued" and that he's not showing consideration for you, and making no effort for you, then I understand how that can make you feel like shit, I really do. It hurts and tears come out. And I'm sorry to hear it - and angry to hear it as well, as I know that you really like the guy, care about him, consider his feelings - hell, even consider his finances when it comes to doing things. You do not deserve to feel like that with him, nor anyone else.

Using the analogy of a bank account, if you imagine that you each have an 'emotional account' - then he is drawing from yours, without making sufficient deposits. Similarly, one should be prepared to invest in the other person from their own account, knowing that they get returns. It might seem a little silly to think about it in bank account terms, but yours is in the red, and his account is intact. And you know thats not right.

Isn't it amazing that, for all our patience, understanding, powers of reasoning, self-respect and strength, that we can still be reduced to tears by simple lack of consideration and neglect? The 'usefulness' of that works in the same way as physical pain. If something in your body suddenly hurts, its the body's way of flagging up that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Emotional pain is the same, a clear signal that something needs to be addressed. So many people bury it and mask it instead of fixing it, but I don't think that thats for you.

I have a lot to say to you about your post, but I have to finish it later unfortunately, because of work. I'm sorry about that, but I feel 10,000 words coming on, and I want to write them carefully, so that they stand a better chance of being a help or useful, not a running commentary.

I'm really glad you spelled it all out in your post, as its not the easiest thing to explain - well done for articulating it so well, if its not too patronizing to say. For now I just wanted to say I get it, I understand how you feel - and that there are 'switches you can flick' that can instantly change how it feels, which I'll write about after work.

Take care you, will be back to you later.

X

OIPO J
by: Anonymous

Sorry I haven't finished this post yet - I've been up writing for the last couple of nights for work until the early hours - and by 3am, haven't been able to write another word - let alone make the points I wanted to in a coherent way. Its after 2.30am now!

]Bear with me - I'll finish my post properly tomorrow!


@@@@@
by: Anonymous

Hey...so I txt my aqua to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving, and he never responded. I'm so confused.

S

S

UUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
by: Anonymous

Never mind aqua "characteristics" - its not good manners to not reply to texts. Period. Time to hold your nerve - not for him, but for you. And be around the people who are always pleased to see you this weekend.

We're so used to the instant-communication capabilities of cellphones, and people tend to carry & check them so much, that we can mostly expect an instant reply to texts. I've been on the phone to people who have obviously gone to the bathroom when on the phone (yuck - i'd totally draw the line before I got there!) - so its more usual to get quick replies to texts. That said, there are also plenty of reasons for a reply to take a while - so do keep that in mind first.

I can understand you being confused - what is he playing at? Its like both aquas have changed (in varying degrees) once they gain some certainty about the relationship. Either that or coincidence.

My advice is that if you want to go to a shooting range, go with someone else and have a great time. Ditto the zoo and everything else you want to do. Don't give yourself a chance to dwell on the aqua and why he is how he is - take a break from it!

Just make it all about YOU, not him for the next few days. I'd advise you not to call nor text and leave him to figure out what to do. Its not fair on you, it does feel like shit and if you don't IMMEDIATELY focus on doing the things you like, enjoy & want to do, then you do risk 'losing yourself' in this situation.

I'm not gonna bother guessing what your aqua is up to & why, because at the moment, he is not relevant in that relationship - YOU are! Take charge of yourself and line up the next few days to be focused solely on your own amusement, enjoyment and pleasure. Changing how you feel just starts with a decision. It'll help you to get 'you' back pretty quickly. Just press 'Pause' and suit yourself. Go for drinks with your people and flirt! AS I said, just make it all about you.

If you don't know why the aqua is a 'once-a-fortnight boy' - you should forget about it for a few days. If you're confused about why he didn't return your message, forget about it for a few days, as its not relevant to focussing on YOU.

I suppose I should stop repeating the same message here, but I hope you're receiving it loud and clear. Theres been so much focus on that boy, and you're feeling unvalued, confused, hurt and unhappy. Make a decision to plan your pleasures and distractions for a few days - and just leave the aquatics on ice.


continued
by: Anonymous

I haven't finished!

It sounds as though you haven't been treated fairly or with consideration lately. What i meant to say on the previous page is that it means everything to your well-being to balance the aquatics with other people and activities, especially now, during a time when you're feeling insecure and down about his lack of being forthcoming with you.

When I was seeing the aqua last year, he would leave it a month or two before texting to meet up. I did use to convince myself during each big silence that it was probably me that did or said something to put him off. I now and 100% sure that it was all him. Get this straight - whatever is going on with his erratic communication etc., it is nothing about you, the character problem is all his!

Isn't it annoying though? Its worse than annoying. I think I've undergone a shift, in that I'm not impressed with the silence, but it is up to him what he does & why. I can't change that, so I'm not stressing over it. However, the more he does this, the cooler I get about it. He is sooo lovely, and that doesn't change just because what I want isn't forthcoming. I just meant that its not the way to keep someone close, is it?!

Can you do the above? - just get selfish and get out there and do things you want to do, with people that give you no shit. Does that sound like a good way forward for a few days? I think that concentrating on yourself and your 'campaign of kicks' will cancel out a lot of the horrible feelings that are around at the moment.

I'm disappointed at your aqua, but YOU go ahead and prove where your well-being really comes from. The rest is all waaaay less important!

XX


HT
by: Anonymous

And...

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

oooo
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Thanks for your encouraging words. I have no problem whatsoever in losing myself to my own life. I have a lot going for myself so I'm not worried about getting busy and preoccupied, especially since I have a semester of school wrapping up here in the next couple of weeks, then off to Hawaii as well.

I wanted to mention that I noticed the last time me and my aqua didn't speak for a while, it all started due to him acting like this. If you remember from my previous first couple of posts it kind of describes what happened, but I just remember him acting like this, which is what prompted whatever miscommunication me and him had during that time. I remember then, I would text him and he wouldn't respond, he passed on opportunities to hang out with me, which made me think he was no longer interested, hence the long gap of me and him not speaking. That was the whole reason I came to these forums in the first place. However, this time I'm not gonna play into that. I'm not calling him, texting him, or reaching out to him in any way during this time. And if he expects me to 'rekindle' things like I did last time by reaching out to him....he can kiss my ass. I don't care if there is some miscommunication between us this time or not (which there possibly couldn't be)...I'm not going there again. If we never speak again...it's ok, I at least got the hint.

In the mean time, I'm just gonna focus on me and basically have it in my head to move on. Your right, it does feel shitty because if you think about it..if I was any other friend or person to him...he probably would have responded. I usually don't get too bothered when he happens to not respond to a random text...but this time since it was on a holiday and I was wishing him a happy one, I do think it's rude. But you're right again in that, I can't control him or change what ever the hell he has going on with him. Those are his issues and I'm not going to be bothered by it. It's kind of funny and ironic that he's acting like this at a time when I was getting fed up of how things were progressing between me and him...maybe it's a sign?

To be quite honest, I'm actually kind of put off by him. I do care about him, but all of this is just making me see him differently, and not in a good way. I know he doesn't act like this to intentionally hurt me, but it is hurtful and hard to understand. I understand people's need for space, but shit...don't act or treat me like I'm some plague cause that's what it feels like. When someone treats you like that, intentional or not, it's hard to continue liking them because you know you can always find someone who won't do that to you. I don't know, maybe I'm just being dramatic about it or letting my ego get in the way.

Anyways, don't worry I got the message of your post and all the advice is valid and true. I will do exactly as you say and just go about my life, thinking about him as little as possible. Thanks for everything!

rjgp'q
by: Anonymous



It sounds like you've taken charge again - it already feels better, hey?!

It occured to me that these aquas and their unfathomable behaviors, and how that makes us feel might actually be a really good thing. We kind of get forced into looking at our OWN reactions to how these guys play out, and I think that is pretty valuable insight. We just learn more each time about what we are/are not prepared to accept from a relationship, and in a way, it helps to raise our standards. Does that make sense?

Stuff I would have done in other relationships in the past, or ways in which I might have felt and acted when hurt make me cringe now! I've definitely put up with more than I should have before now, but I didn't know any better at the time. Had I not gone through that, I wouldn't have 'learned' how to handle myself and get more perspective.

It might sound like twisted logic, but in a way, the more someone makes you feel bad, the more opportunity you have to 'handle it' in a way that just builds you - not knocks you down.

It sounds as though its gonna take more than a boy with a football to break you!

lpkuojhhu
by: Anonymous

For me and the aqua thing, the thing that stays in my mind is just how poles-apart different the behavior changes can be! From 'declaration to disappearance' in one quick step. Actually, its making me laugh a bit, just typing it, because it is soooo ridiculous!! It has put me off him as well - he is such a really lovely person, but he simply can't do 'this situation', thats all, and thats fine.
If I were to get a call/text from him wanting to meet up, I don't see me being in a hurry to go for it. During 'the vanishing (!)' last time, when he called, I suggested lunch in town. I could tell that it wasn't what he had in mind. So, if I hear from him now, I'll only be up for a lunch, if anything. I said early on that with the whole 'married man' thing the best outcome would be for us to get past the huge physical attraction and end up as friends. Lthings have gone that way, which is fine, because I know that me & the aqua aren't quite done yet.

I can't get my head around WHY that football-aqua would want so much reassurance, just to act like this. It could just be plain immaturity? Anyway, why they do what they do is not that relevant, and I loved the tone of your last post - the 'kiss my ass' thing! I think it really is true that these situations raise our standards, and thats healthy.

I think that fundamentally, aquas don't really know how to handle 'people situations' up close. Parties, crowds and gatherings are very comfortable surrounds for aquas, probably because they can 'take' from the situation without having to 'give' anything to it. When its one-on-one, they can only take so much before they have to give to it, which is when they bolt. When they have run far enough, they forget what they are running from and head back, looking for reassurance that there is still something for them. Its kinda sweet and tragic in one way, but in another way...yawn yawn, yawn! They simply wear people out and can't seem to help nor handle it.

Its possible that we need to go full circle with situations like the aquatics and that it is healthy and helpful to remind ourselves of our own value, perspectives and best interests. God knows with all the other 'life stuff' that goes on, its easy to forget those things.

Well, I'll be checking in again, aqua or no aqua, so take care and enjoy the weekend. I hope that all the Thanksgiving fare lived up to expectations! If you get to it, enjoy the zoo and the shooting – but not at the same time, obviously :o/


x

kkkkk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Still no word from aqua...which is no surprise. I've come to the conclusion that I can't deal with this. If 3 weeks to a month goes by with no word from him....I can't go back, I just can't. If he decides he needs that amount of time and then tries to come back around, I'm going to tell him exactly how I feel, that I don't respect what he did, and I'm sorry things couldn't work out between us. I've been more than understanding of his need for space, I don't demand a lot of his time, and I don't pressure him AT ALL....so to need that much distance is crazy but fine at the same time, however, I'm not sticking around to see what happens.

I'm torn between wanting to understand his need for space and to get his shit together, but also making sure I'm getting what I want without seeming like I'm being demanding. I want to make sure that my expectations are realistic and I'm not coming off possessive, but I don't think what I'm asking for is too much. I need to set boundaries and let him know that this isn't ok with me.

Don't worry...I'm not losing it, I'm just really mad. I'm so pissed that I don't even know if I can go back to being myself with him again. I feel like I'm beginning to resent him and I think it's going to show in my actions towards him. It's not healthy the way I feel...so much so that I really don't think things are going to work out. I feel like I can't be vulnerable with him or open because I have no idea when his next distancing act will be...so I'll always have to have my guard up, and that's just sad and not how a loving relationship should be. I don't think an aqua is for me...or maybe it's just this particular aqua. Just thinking about kissing him makes me cringe...that's how upset, mad, and hurt I am.

Maybe I am losing it...I think I've just prepared myself for the worst and I'm getting all worked up. I need to chill. I still meant what I said though.

>>>>
by: Anonymous

I'm a lot more calm now...sorry that I completely overreacted!

ieorgkoij
by: Anonymous

Its all quite a rollercoaster, isn't it?! Your last post about being calm and over-reacting was pretty similar to one I sent you a few weeks ago over the same sort of thing! You've seen what I've been like, so you have nothing to apologize for, really!

Sorry to be so brief, but I have to finish a work thing tonight and be sharp at work tomorrow - in 5 hours time! I wanted to respond properly, but it'll be tomorrow.

I'm glad you're feeling calmer - that high-angst stuff just sticks with you, regardless of what you're doing, and not in a good way! Its horrible and distracting to have those feelings hanging over you, so I'm pleased to hear that its calmed down. I went through the same cycle and the calmness has stuck around pretty consistently. Same for you, I hope.

Is it still niggling you anyway - why the distance, and all those behaviors? Hey - maybe he's married too! Maybe its the same guy! We've never seen our aquas at the same time...hmmmm.

Catch you tomorrow, in less sleep-deprived form, perhaps.

Take care
x

ap fqo g1\
by: Anonymous

Hey,

How are you now? When I was going through that angsty period a few weeks ago, it was not good! i was thinking about the aqua all the time, and when it calmed down, I seemed to have replaced the angst with indifference.

I'm not used to feeling all that rollercoaster stuff, its actually a first. Has it distracted you from other stuff?

I think that the key thing is 'working with what you have' - adapting to circumstances, rather than do that 'what might have been' stuff. Amazing how many people live in a hypothetical past, present & futures! It doesn't sound like you though - quite the opposite. From experience though, all I can say is that every shitty situation produces some good and is ultimately valuable for people who want to keep growing & improving.

Everything you said in your post makes sense. My aqua situation is a little similar, although I will always be kind to him, I'll be more kind to myself! I don't feel like sleeping with him under these kinds of circumstances again. But, I think the fact that he is married means that he's probably acting in everyone's best interests, which I think is a cool thing.

I think I've stopped thinking about it so much because I believe I have answers. I think thats the thing that I think you are missing - just wondering what the hell is going on with him and why all the disappearing shit. Hypothetically, if the answer was simply that "he didn't realize the distance caused any issues, and thats just his character, but he really does see you as special" - what would your reaction be?

Out of curiosity, is he the same age as you, or older/younger? I was wondering if his thing is immaturity? Not to be insulting, I wonder if he just hasn't worked out how to handle himself in a relationship? Could it simply be that?

Well, we've got minus temperatures and shit loads of snow, most unusual and we're not used to it! Needless to say, its caused work chaos with 57% of the working population late for work, impassable roads, cancelled trains & planes etc. Oh, and fucking freezing!

I've decided to vacation in the new year instead of xmas because of work - and I'm perfectly happy with that. It means I can get lots done, take a short break in the country and not have too much workload for the first half of January, which suits!

I'm wishing you all the best again - this will all have upsides for you, I'm positively sure of that, even if its not immediate.

Take care & let me know how you're doing!

X


''''''''
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I'm doing a lot better than the post where I was ranting. I still have moments of confusion, but my whole take on it is...what can I really do about it, nothing....so no point in getting all worked up over it. I hate that he just up and disappeared the way he did. Because it was so abrupt, it makes me feel like I did something wrong or perhaps he just lost interest. To answer your question, he's 26 and I'm 27....so I'm older but only by a few months.

I think some of his actions and the way he goes about things are a result of his immaturity. The longest relationship he's had was a year and a half when he was in college. From what I gather, he didn't get hurt by her or anything (I think)...things just didn't work out because he moved back home (he went to college in another state), and I guess she came out here to visit him shortly afterward and he said she was just a different person. I don't know how in love he was with her or anything, but I have a feeling it wasn't "the one that got away" sort of deal. Other than that, he hasn't been in a serious relationship if you don't include high school, which wasn't any longer than his relationship in college. As you can see, he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience, which I think is why he isn't use to thinking outside of himself.

I also wondered if the fact that he was adopted might be something to do with his commitment issues. I never seriously considered it because he was adopted when he was 1 month old...so I figured he never experienced abandonment like a child would if they built a bond for years with their parents only to be given up. Also, his adoptive parents are still together, so he was raised in an intact family and given great opportunities in his life (got a full ride football scholarship)...and good nurturing. However, he's not the same nationality as his parents so he said he always kind of knew something was up before they finally told him he was adopted when he was like 10 or so. I asked him how it affected him knowing he was adopted and he just kind of seemed indifferent to it. We have talked about him wanting to find his biological parents, especially his mother....but he doesn't seem like he's ready or motivated enough to go there yet. I always kind of wondered if he did feel some kind of abandonment even though he wasn't able to form an attachment to his parents. Being a little kid and told that you were adopted...how could you not wonder why your parents couldn't keep you or why you were given up.

..........

cont.
by: Anonymous

Sometimes I wonder if this is where his cautiousness lies. But I also know that he does want a relationship, and he even said one time that he wants what his parents have. I just think he doesn't know how to be truly intimate with someone because he's so scared of it and overly cautious about it. He stated he doesn't know why he's so cautious, which stumps me as well because he grew up seeing how a relationship can work thru his parent's marriage. The only thing I can think of is him being adopted or perhaps witnessing things people around him have gone thru. I'm extremely cautious as well, and I've experienced abandonment and my family has a very bad history of divorce, but he's cautiousness is on a whole other level.

Anyways, I would have no problem with his abrupt need for distance as long as I knew he was coming back. Usually when people act that way it's because of the reasons I mentioned above, losing interest or you did something wrong. It also doesn't help that he ignored me the few times I did try and reach out to him...so how could I not have those anxieties or thoughts. I feel I must force myself to move on because I don't know if he is coming back, so no point in waiting around to see. It's like I have to think he never liked me enough because I have no other answer or explanation for why he went poof. I know that makes me sound insecure and I'm really not that way....but I guess that's what happens when you're left with no other reason for why. Also when I look at the whole picture....me doing most of the initiating, him never taking me out or staying the night, me having to 'rekindle' things the last time there was a gap...it all points to him just not liking me enough. I don't think he never not liked me...but it doesn't seem like it was enough.

Rereading the last two sentences above makes me really sad because those are things I put up with. At this point, I'm just moving on.

iopwq gjq
by: Anonymous

Wow. Ok - when I read your post, one word came jumping out of the page - "ADOPTED". I've lots to say on this, but I'll write my post properly after work tomorrow. Meantime, I have cut and pasted from another website...

"...many adoptees feel a nagging and ongoing 'disquieting loneliness', devastating feelings of rejection, fear of abandonment, and often lead troubled lives. It has been proven that many adoptees attempt to find comfort outside themselves, wherever possible.

Other common traits of adoptees are depression, relationship difficulties, and identity problems. Depression is pretty self-explanatory. The adoptee may feel hopeless. They may feel sad for no apparent reason. Their life may be going great, but for some reason, they can't be happy about it. Many adoptees that I have spoken to say something like, "I don't know why I am so depressed all the time. I have a great job, my husband loves me, my children are well-adjusted, and I just can't let it in"

They often cannot handle the intimacy from as early as birth. For instance, they frequently have trouble bonding to their adoptive parents, and later have difficulty maintaining adult relationships with lovers. The identity problems that I am referring to are simple. Adoptees who have not yet reunited yet do not know who they look like or take after. When they see the resemblances that their adoptive family members have to each other, they feel different.

All of the above mentioned traits may lead adoptees to seek comfort in people, places, and things outside themselves. The bottom line is that they don't want to feel the pain that they may or may not even know they have. Denial is a big part of being adopted. Many adoptees will tell me that they don't mind being adopted and that they never wonder about their 'real' parents.
______________________

Thats what I've copied - but what I want to say is that you will recognize a lot of your aqua in web-based info & forums surrounding the areas of male adoptees, relationships as an adult & intimacy problems in relationships.

When I saw the word 'adopted' - loads suddenly made sense.
If you google the subject, you'll see what I'm getting at. Adoptees can commonly be very damaged and complex people - and it is said that unless you were given away by your mother and your father has also turned his back on you, you will never ever be able to understand just how they feel.

I hope that helps just for now - but I'll get to my experience of it when I post tomorrow!

Last, ALL your assumptions were wrong, your aqua distance thing has absolutely nothing to do with you - nothing about you at all is at the heart of his problems with intimacy in the relationship.

Sorry if this reads like an incomplete message - I just wanted to send something useful, so you stop wondering if its you that is not good enough, whether you did something wrong etc.

x

oooooo
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Do you really think him being adopted has a lot to do with it? I'm VERY aware of how divorce, abandonment by a parent, or even not growing up in an intact family can effect people's views/problems with intimacy or relationships, but I thought maybe with him it might be different because he was still raised (pretty much from birth) in a home that was stable and intact. I always had an inkling in the back of my mind that would just wonder how his adoption really effected him. I've never done research on it though, I'm going to have to do that.

I never thought that I wasn't enough or good enough for him. What I was trying to say was I thought him liking me wasn't enough to make him stick around. Not so much about me as a person...because honestly, at this point in my life I've learned that I am who I am so I'm not going to feel sorry about it. However, I did perhaps think maybe I did something wrong. But for some reason I don't sit here and put much thought into that either. To be quite frank, the most thinking I do when it comes to him is if he's ever coming back, and how I'm going to approach the situation when or if he does come back.

Anyways, I'll do more reading on the adoption issue. I also would like to hear your experience with it as well. It's weird that I never did more looking into it, especially being that I use to work for child protective services....so I've seen and witnessed all realms of child neglect.

1 of 3
by: Anonymous

Hey,


I've just re-read this before sending, and I must admit, i'm thinking about toning it down before sending. Instead, I just want to say that I've left it as it is. If you take anything from this, its to look into the adoptee personality and behavior traits some more. Also, its MY opinion, having had more exposure than i'd like to how a relationship with 'an adoptee' can be. Its not just personal experience, its all quite well-documented stuff, but I have put a MASSIVE personal bias and prejudice on my comments and advice on this post... so please bear that in mind.

To answer your question, and having lived with someone who was adopted for nearly 5 years (the scorp i mentioned), and having a close friend who is also an adoptee, I'd say that his adoption has EVERYTHING to do with how your aqua is in the context of an intimate relationship. And I believe that there is really no hope for the relationship, regardless of how close you are, how you feel about each other, the connection you have etc. That distance will always be there, in one form or another.

Just to compare, it is a little like generalizing about people (such as soldiers in war zones) who have been exposed to such a rare kind of hell, that they are never the same again. And 'the rest of us' will never never be able to appreciate nor compensate for whatever has changed for them. Obviously, not every soldier who has witnessed unimaginable horror ends up affected by it, but its fair to say that there is a higher proportion of ex-soldiers that have certain kinds of problems as a result of their experiences, than people who don't have those experiences. Its all stuff that is 'locked' deep inside them.

Adoptees tend to have real difficulty with intimacy, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the age of the baby at the time of adoption. Its pretty hard to conduct oneself in within a 'normal' relationship when:
a) very deep in his core is the notion that he is not worth 'keeping'.

b) Fundamentally, he just doesn't know who he is, or why he is. This point shouldn't be underestimated, as it is a powerful influencer for adoptees.

Why he looks the way he does, whether he looks like either parent, whether they ever looked for him etc. - these questions never go away, whether conciously or subconciously. I'm describing it very simplistically, but it runs really really deep and is not to be underestimated. Its all stuff we take for granted, to the point where we might not even think it matters, but to them, they have a MAJOR piece of themselves missing.

continued....

2 of 3
by: Anonymous

You can't fix nor change him, he can't help the discomfort with intimacy. Whether he realises it or not, something fundamentally important and major is just 'missing' from him (and for him), he won't be able to pinpoint what it is, he may even deny it is to do with his adoption, or indeed he may deny that he does feel anything is 'missing'. But it explains why no amount of good parenting, comfortable home etc. are enough. What is missing can't be replaced or 'covered over.'

Its nothing to do with sex, but its really common for adoptees to be uncomfortable sharing a bed for too long because of the 'physical proximity'. Again, for many adoptees, direct skin-to-skin contact is uncomfortable for reasons they can't articulate, nor really understand themselves.

Basically, your aqua is a damaged man, and you can't fix him. He may or may not end up fixing himself, and if he can, its an extremely personal, private and inward-looking process, that can take a lot of years to work-through.

Put bluntly, I think that nothing will change in your relationship, in terms of his 'distance' - which can manifest in a few different ways. He basically can't 'just BE', because he has things missing from himself that means he simply cannot. These are things that we just don't notice, because we know where we came from. It is an absolute basic, that everyone has - like a head, or limbs, except that it is something that is internal.

You said that you could handle the distance if you were sure he was coming back. How would you feel if you KNEW that an incomplete man would always come back? Its a much more complex situation than you both know.

Because of the above, and so much more related to it, I think that its very likely that you risk getting sucked into having a relationship with his problems, not with him.

Also, again at a very deep level, in adulthood, male adoptees find rejection from a female they're close to really really cutting - whether they know it nor not.

Just trying to be as straight as I can, I'd advise you to not get into a relationship with him, because it runs a much higher than usual risk of emotionally draining you, and it won't stop.

This is a hard post to write, but a good friend of mine attempted to explain some part of an adoptee's situation to me once with this example:

3 of 3
by: Anonymous

'If you imagine you are going out for a night out with a bunch of close friends, to a nice wine bar, then a good restaurant etc. Well, you would obviously do lots of things to 'get ready' - shower, do your hair, make-up, great outfit etc. Well, imagine if you simply didn't have any means to get ready, so when everyone else is dressed up, you're naked in the restaurant. Your friends just can't tell that you have had no shower and you have no clothes on, but YOU know it. It doesn't matter how good the food in the restaurant is, nor how exquisite the wine tastes, nor how loved you are by your friends.....you just will not be able to relax and enjoy the experience like your friends can - even though you're all in the same 'experience'. Even if you got drunk and uninhibited, YOU would still know that you were the one with no clothes on, when everyone else is clothed. Nice clothes, bad clothes, unfashionable clothes - it doesn't matter, anyone with clothes is better off than you. Except that, your discomfort is subconcious and you just can't explain it.'

I'm gonna write and tell you about my direct experience, but being honest, there is such shit to write about, which is soo hard to explain, that I'd need to focus into it properly to write - so i'll do that next time.

Last, I keep using words like "adoptees....them..they", like they are some kind of lepers. Not the case at all, I've loads of compassion for their circumstances and feel very sorry for them having been dealt a hand that brings them 'negatives'. So I certainly don't mean any insult in any kind of way.

Like I said, I chose not to edit my thoughts on this at all and my advice is based on 1 personal experience, which led to insights into 'adoptee psyche'.

This is all very 'curve-ball', I know. How does this all sit with you? Hope you're ok.

X

[[[[[[
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I did some research on adoptees and realized how much of my aqua I saw in what they were saying. Not only the distance part, but other things as well. He told me when he was younger he was diagnosed with ADHD and had dyslexia....from what I've read this these are common diagnoses for children who are adopted. It's just so sad because it's not something that effects him anymore, and he was wonderful enough to overcome his learning disabilities and get a college degree. From what he told me, his ADHD was so bad that his parents were called numerous times because his teachers just couldn't handle him and this was only in grade school. I always wondered how he felt as a child knowing that he was a problem to handle...if it made him insecure.

Another thing I noticed is he is really accommodating to his parents. It's not a bad thing, but he mentioned that he was thought about getting a tattoo but couldn't bring himself to get one because he knew is parents would be upset with him. I thought this was a little odd and very childish on his part, but it makes sense now. I remember I asked him why does he care so much what his parents think and he stated because he feels like they hold him up to be the responsible one and he feels he's the 'glue' that keeps everyone together. But after reading what I read, I can see how he feels he must live up to being the "chosen one" of the family....like so many adoptees do.

I also wanted to mention that he also has a younger sister that was adopted as well. From what I've gathered, his sister is the more rebellious, free spirited one, and does whatever she likes without the consideration of their parents. I think this also adds to the pressure he feels to not be the 'fuck up' of the family. It's just so crazy because these parents have done well in raising them both because his sister is currently in law school. These parents have provided such a strong foundation for them to build on for themselves.

I'm really confused. I woke up this morning and for some reason felt that things weren't going to be the same between me and him. It makes sense now all the reassuring he needed, and for some reason I could just not help but get the sense that deep down this man was insecure and feared rejection throughout the entire time I've known him. I know there's absolutely nothing I can do to help him, and no matter how much reassurance I give him that I'll be here...it won't be enough because these are problems he has to work out on his own before he sees it. At the same time I'll feel guilty and bad for turning my back on him just because he was adopted or because he has issues (this is the very thing he fears)...it's such a judgmental thing to do. Yet, I already see how these problems he has are beginning to affect my relationship with him.

......

cont
by: Anonymous

I almost want to bring it to his attention, but I know that will do nothing but bite me in the ass. I don't think he even realizes how him being adopted has effected him...I don't think he's that introspective. He seems like the type that has buried it deep deep down to the point it's working all subconsciously now. I just hope what day he realizes everything.

I don't know what to do. Well at this point I guess I really don't have to worry about it because he has distance himself and no telling if he's coming back. I just feel I need to prepare myself for what I need to do in case he does come around. Maybe I should just keep him as a friend....???

====
by: Anonymous

Hey...

My aqua text me last night but I never responded to him. I'm kind of confused about everything. I also thought I'd let him roll around in his distance for a little bit. I understand your experience with an adoptee, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't care about my aqua enough to give it a shot with him. For some reason I thought I wouldn't hear from him in forever or if ever, but I think it was just me playing it all up in my head; however, it also doesn't help how he goes about needing his 'me' time.

I would still like to hear about your experience because I think it would be important for me to hear considering my situation. Even though I know it didn't turn out well for you, I can't help but to keep thinking if I'll regret walking away from him based on hypothetical situations that can happen. I know he needs his distance, but I knew that just based on dealing with an aqua alone. It was 2 weeks of not hearing from him, but for some reason it felt like months. In retrospect, 2 weeks is not a long time because we were going a week before contacting each other until he pulled his distance card.

However, even though I can accept this amount of distance from him....there are the things I stated in previous posts that I can't deal with. I've decided that I will not spend time with him in the context of my home anymore. If he wants to see me then he has to meet me out...if he doesn't want to, then oh well...he's not going to see me. I'm hoping I'll get to see a different side of the relationship, not to mention I hate routine and I'm already bored of being in my home setting with him....I like going out.

I do still need time to think about everything. I feel like I'm even more cautious now. I know that I cannot change him, fix him, or help him. Issues surrounding his adoption are things he must deal with, just like abandonment from my mother are issues I must deal with. I don't know...

'iqfj v'
by: Anonymous

Hey,

The way this dialogue has diverted into issues with adoption must be a bit of a head wreck. Its 'new' information to take in and get your head around, so I hope you're okay.

I just wanted to say that nobody should be "dumped" because they're adopted. That is just callous. What I meant is that there is the question - 'You might be able to meet his needs, but can he meet yours?' I think that its about whether you're getting what you need from a relationship. I'm not expert on this, and i don't have a crystal ball so I don't know what the future holds.

You had all those questions about why your aqua does the distance thing when things get close, and I do think that what we have been discussing is a major factor. I don't now how its hitting you, but I do know that this is all new, so it'll take whatever time it takes you to get your head around it. Also, there is no need in he world to turn your back on him. I don't think he's being disrespectful or trying to hurt you with the distance thing.

You did say that you felt you knew things would not be the same with him - but at the start, relationships are naturally evolving things, whereby you find out more about each other over time. So, things were never going to stay the 'same' from one date to the next anyway.

In my situation with the scorp, i ended up in a position whereby the onus was always on me to 'prove' that i wouldn't reject him, no matter how he behaved. It was a vicious circle of him loathing himself, then doing something to try and make me loath him too. I knew how his adoption fucked him up into adulthood, and knew it was at the heart of his problems, so I always reacted with forgiveness, compassion and reassurance - even over REALLY BAD BAD stuff. He really wanted me to hate him and reject him, so that his self-loathing could be justified.

I did write a post last night, but like before, i hit something and mysteriously lost all the text again. I had started telling my story with the scorp properly, and it was late by the time i finished. So, i'm writing it again, but this time on a word doc, and will cut & paste it when its done.

How are you?




KL
by: Anonymous

Hey,

The way this dialogue has diverted into issues with adoption must be a bit of a head wreck. Its 'new' information to take in and get your head around, so I hope you're okay.

I just wanted to say that nobody should be "dumped" because they're adopted. That is just callous. What I meant is that there is the question - 'You might be able to meet his needs, but can he meet yours?' I think that its about whether you're getting what you need from a relationship. I'm not expert on this, and i don't have a crystal ball so I don't know what the future holds. I

So my story is this - I met this guy (the Scorp i've mentioned) when we were 21. At the time, he already had 2 children ( a 4-yr old that he has never seen, living a short distance from his parents house, and an 18 month old baby, with whom he lived, together with the baby's mother.)

One night it was my (then) company's xmas party. The Scorp had been banned form attending his work xmas party, so he came to ours. Thats the night I met him, he basicall

We clicked instantly as friends, but I never never had ANY sexual interest in him, mainly because he was hugely promiscuous, and really not fussy who with! I had come out of my first major relationship and wasn't looking for a 'playboy'. However, we socialized with a lot of the same industry people, and had lots of fun drinking in packs and always ended up telling jokes, getting drunk and laughing in each other's company. He was kind of an interesting and exciting 'bad boy'. His standing joke was what he called his "nagging wife" - his girlfriend at home who was looking after the baby.

AD\,
by: Anonymous

He spent a lot of time (as we all did) in bars, but he was always complaining about his girlfriend. Must stress, we had a ZERO romantic connection, but he was very open and talked to me a lot, being very open about himself. He told me pretty quickly that he was adopted, even though he stressed his parents were amazing people who were the best parents anyone could have. He had a brother, also adopted, who was not diagnosed for years, but turned out to have ADHD & lots of anger and behaviour problems.
The scorp, from age 21 to 38 (present day) goes very far out of his way not to worry his parents. He just cannot stand feeling like he has let them down. Thing is, he has spent most of his adult life doing just that – fucking up every job, & every relationship, having an extremely destructive relationship with money, alcohol problems (he was diagnosed with alcoholism/alcohol dependency about 6 years ago.) . He was always terrified of his parents finding out if he did something bad, or got into trouble.
The scorp had so much going for him, 6’ 2”, amazing moviestar good looks, a musical prodigy (he qualified to teach classical piano at age 15), charming, charismatic, good at his job, very funny, from a very loving home, a girlfriend that would do anything for him, a beautiful baby whom he adored etc. But... internally, he carried MASSIVE self-loathing. Which permeated everything in his life. He was great fun to hang with in London, but he was a fuck-up of an individual. I wasn’t attracted to him at all, but, we enjoyed hanging out a couple of times a week for the fun factor. His girlfriend threw him out about a week after I met him, so all the hanging out was well after then – it had nothing to do with me!)
So, the guy loved going out all the time, hanging with friends. I never noticed at the time, but he didn’t really have any close friends, just people he worked with & drank with after work, but he never saw them outside of after-work drinking.
Within a few weeks of us hanging out, he dediced one day to sell his car and buy a one-way ticket to the USA to go live & work there. I drove him to the airpost, we’d promised to keep in touch and waved each other off, with me promising to go visit when he got settled. When he got there, he hit a bar and got drunk. The night after, he gambled all of his money away playing pool in bars. He lasted 2 days & I helped him get home. Over the period of 3-4 years, he kept saying he was “bored” and left the country to do all sorts of things - maybe 4 times. He always had girlfriends, but either wouldn’t even bother telling them what his plans were – or just tell them he was leaving. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but he got a kick out of hurting people who love or even like him. Each time he went, he messed up & lost all his cash within a couple of days, hated where he was and came back.

ih/
by: Anonymous

He was a fucked up character, but life was never dull! In his relationships, women would just take one look at him and fall in love – he was that stunning looking. He’d flater and chase a woman, then very quickly do his best to hurt them – he’d be unreliable, always unfaithful to them, and not really seem to care that much. After they dumped him, he would either switch to really disliking them, or try and persuade them to go back with him – so that HE could then dump them. His other ‘thing’ was getting into trouble with cars. He was caught DUI so many times over the years, He would get a driving ban, then go ahead and drive anyway. When the ban was over, he’d get another one. He’d fly in the face of common sense every time. See why I wasn’t attracted?!
About 3 years after I met him, I ended up leaving the country to start my business and was gone for a couple of years before he came over for a week’s vacation. At the end of the week, he never left, he never went back home again. I had just met the aqua and was strongly drawn to him and was excited about seeing him. Thats when he scorp jumped in, turned up to my dates with the aqua and ultimately messed that up for us. Around the same time, he had recently arrived he talked a lot about how he had behaved badly in the past, that he had grown up a lot etc. He turned himself into ‘perfect friend & prefect housemate’. He was feeding me all sorts of shit about the aqua back then for months after. He eventually declared his love for me and said that he came over for me and wanted to be with me etc. So, we got into a reltionship, but I knew within less than a month that there was something ‘wrong’ about his behaviour.

adM;FM
by: Anonymous

Soon after us getting to together, we threw a party for our birthdays. He had a new job and invited his colleagues. At one point during the party, he had cornered a girl from his work and was trying to persuade her to stay over. I thought it was a bit strange, so, I spoke to him about it and asked why he was doing that. He said that he didn't have any friends here and was asking a few of them to stay over, so he could bond better with his colleagues. He also said to me "You know my birthday is really hard for me, so I'm surprised you're giving me hard time on today of all days."
(For a lot of adoptees, birthdays can be dreaded days. Everyone pops champagne, celebrates, has family around etc. etc. But for adoptees, it can be a dark day that just reminds them, once a year, lest they forget, that they're 'not worthy'.)

Just to say - i wasn't giving him a hard time! It was just a question, and then his answer - not any kind of protracted discussion. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was left with a small flavor of how, because of his adoptee status, I was restricted about challenging certain behaviors, even if he was out of line.

It became a familiar pattern that, in between the fun times, he would sometimes do stuff like hit on women, including my own staff, in front of me, get drunk and embarrassing in front of my work colleagues etc. Each time we'd have a calm & friendly chat & I'd tell him that I didn't want him to come along to my work drinks or functions any more, cos he gets too messy with alcohol. his response would be that he fully understands, and that he knows his behavior was inexcusable and wrong.

Then he'd say that he'd apologize to me if I wanted him to, but he wanted to "explain" his behavior to me. He'd remind me that adoptees are generally-self loathing, which is why so many drink to excess - to block out the dull pain that is always there. He said he hits on my staff, in front of me, so that I'd reject him too, because he didn't feel he deserved love, which is really common with adoptees. He said that he'd done it so many times, with so many women, and the result is always rejection, which fuels the behavior, drinking, etc. My reaction would be sympathetic, because I didn't want him to think he was being rejected again. He would then declare a need for space and go off drinking by himself and in later years, would usually stay out all night - by which time I didn't care, even though I was deeply emotionally involved with him, with the close friendship we had.

So, you can see how things were already twisted, in terms of 'normal' relationship behaviors. I was accepting the unacceptable, because of things related to his being adopted. I was adapting to stuff that wasn't right, and gradually losing myself in a situation that wasn't about me. Friends would say stuff like "why do you let him get away with that..?" and I'd tell them "You don't understand".




KGAP [\
by: Anonymous

So we had adventures, fun and excitement most of the time and because of his character, we had so many laughs most of the time - but the adoption thing did weave itself into our situation, regularly, in a negative way. And over the course of 1-5 years, became a nightmare.

We always talked and communicated about every small and big thing. We loved each other's company. Some things were just so hurtful, and when I was hurt, his reaction was generally to 'kick me when i was down', so to speak (not literally). If he did something to hurt me, if I couldn't bite my tongue, or live with it and I was upset, he would remind me that I didn't know what "real hurt" was, and almost be offended that I was upset. And, of course, his self-loathing also kicked in, seeing how he had hurt someone he loves.

So, things had gotten bad enough, and actually, I just couldn't get rid of him. I felt massive responsibility for him, and because we had been so close for so many years, he did subtly make me aware that rejecting him could be the absolute worst thing I could do, as I was the only person who had ever really understood him, and the only thing stopping him from self-destructing. (No pressure, then!!)

Once, we were watching TV and there was a couple in a drama show who loved each other. But, one discovered the other was having an affair, so he offered her $10,000 and his car, saying to her, 'here I am, you can have me & our life, or, here's 10K and a car full of gas - take your choice." She chose the money & the car. So, after the show, he said that he'd like to do that - just take a car and go. I asked him if he was unhappy at home, and he said 'Yes'. So, because of how things had gradually gotten to the point of my not even thinking straight anymore, we spoke (calmly) about it. Within the next couple of weeks, we spoke a lot about him just leaving. I wanted him gone too, because, even though I loved him, he just seemed to always bring shit to my door, and despite running a successful business, EVERYTHING seemed to revolve around his issues, and me having to accommodate them....

we eventually found his birth mother.

;L'
by: Anonymous


(by the way, after a couple of weeks, we had talked it through, and we arranged that i'd give him the money to go start a new life. He packed, he left, it was over. He was back 2days later, having blown the lot. When he got back that night I asked him what had happened. He said he didn't feel like talking -then he went of into his bedroom and 'attempted suicide', for the umpteenth time. (By the way, he insisted on separate bedrooms, because he was uncomfortable being 'close' to anyone in bed for a whole night.) You can see why I was desperate to be free of him - it was all so fucked up.)

we eventually found his birth mother. He expected so much from her...he needed to know who she was, who his father was, WHy she gave him for adoption etc. She was a lunatic - and basically, she was the one who acted like a child and she was all over him looking for HIM to make her better. This took him by surprise completely - she expected him to be the adult, and he expected the reverse. When they first met, she came over to the house. Bearing in mind that this was separated mother & son seeing each other for the first time in 30 years, she bought him a gift - Jungle Book Bubble Bath - frankly, it was quite weird and only got weirder.

By day, she was phoning all the time saying things like "wouldn't it be nice if we all lived together" (having just met) - and by night, she was leaving sick twisted messages on both my cell and his. It was all end game for me, and my life had gradually been absorbed into a constant job of 'living through' someone else's issues.

Stuff like him gambling away his half of the rent to "test to see if I'd reject him" had become completely 'normal' kind of behavior, but finding his mother was the final nail for me. I thought she was really creepy and I just refused to go on with it.

That was about 6 years ago. He went and lived an hour away from me in a tiny country village, but still called every day, sometimes more than once, for a chat. He was lonely and isolated there, but within 2 weeks of him being there, there was a fatal accident a few meters from his house. A guy had come off his motor cycle on a bend in the road and lay dying in the road. The scorp happened to be there and we went and held the guy's hand and talked to him as he passed. He was really in shock form it, but, he was in a small village where everyone knew everyone, and pretty soon, it got around that he had comforted the guy, a popular local lad. After then, he was treated like a local hero and everyone warmed to him. So, because he went from lonely to popular, he stayed where he was "because people treat him better there". It was good for me, because up until then, he kept on trying to get back together - and for me, there was no way.

Its weird talking about this, because it was such a fucked up situation that took a long time to really recover from. But, at the heart of it all was adoption issues. And not mine, either!



akfv
by: Anonymous

Coincidentally, a good friend of mine is also adopted, and, even though he is a University Lecturer, and professional 'adventurer' (set records for Everest & millions of other 'endurance' world records) and a high-achiever, he has the exact same fucked up issues with women and relationships. I've seen so many smart beautiful women get pushed away and treated badly by him. I would never never never be romantically involved with an adopted person again. Even if they didn't tell me, I'd know soon enough if they were.

So, during my time withe the scorp, we talked lots about adoption, I researched it in an effort to better understand him & how I could handle my situation with him etc. It was, and will always be the most destructive and fucked up relationship I'll ever have.

Maybe the scorp is extreme with the adoption issues, maybe he is not, I honestly don't know. But his own journey was gradual self-discovery over a period of years that has left him no better off at the end of it. Everyone is different, but you can see how all my comments are 'tainted by experience' of being in a relationship with an adoptee. The is the aspect of almost 'emotional blackmail', whereby i was always sensitive to not making him feel rejected. And a LOT of shit can fit under that umbrella.

Having said all the above, my biggest mistake was putting up with it all for so long, After a while, my normal self was eroded to a point whereby constantly dealing with bullshit was my 'normal self', with no regard to doing anything for myself. If I went out with friends til the early hours, I'd often come home to some sort of adoption-related bullshit. So, i gradually learned that, by not going out to see friends, I could avoid a certain amount of shit at home. So, my position became increasingly isolated, and i gradually lost 'outside' perspectives. All the time, he would beg me to not let his parents know what was going on, and he was obsessed with the idea of not 'worrying' them and hated the idea that he would be sen badly in their eyes.

Anyway, I could probably go on, but i'm sure you get the gist and can see where my 'bias & prejudice' come from.


;lSbm
by: Anonymous

Your situation is your situation and you can't apply someone else's experience to it. But, looking back, there were so so many clues that were there, that I didn't understand at the time. Some of those clues have a similarity with your aqua, specifically:

Need for reassurance.
Discomfort with sharing a bed for the night, with the same reason 'its hard to sleep properly with someone else in the bed'.
His relationship history.
The way you describe that it makes you feel.

I thought if I told you my story, it would be of interest - if you have any questions about it, just ask - but having typed it all out, I can see how biased I now am, so I'm possibly giving you a VERY UNBALANCED view. I'm sure that their people would have a different story.

So, going back to my aqua...maybe you can see, from what i described about my time with him before, and how/why it was broken up, how it was tempting to let the 'aquaship' go full circle and see what happened.

In between scorp and aqua times, I had a perfectly normal and cool relationship with a lovely guy for 4 years, but I got bored, in that I didn't find him stimulating, ambitious or exciting enough. We never had any problems at all, which I found refreshing for a while, but as I said, i found life with him a bit too dull for my liking. He is such a lovely guy and we remain good friends to this day - and ever more, i'm sure.

Aqua? Nothing he can do can really hurt me, because i've been as hurt as a person can be in a relationship, to the point of accepting it as a 'normal' state. Plus, there was the curiosity to see what 'might have been'. But, happily, I think i've mostly managed a sense of realism about that situation.

Well, thats about my story with it - it took a few days to get around to telling it, and you can probably see why! Anyway, I hope that any part of my experience is something that could represent any kind of positive for you - which is, I suppose why we're here!

Take care, x



sm'
by: Anonymous

Just one thing -

Nobody should learn from someone else's experience, as you well know. We kinda have to find our own way with our own situations. Having typed so much, and with the opportunity to think about it for a couple of days, I can see that i posted some strong reactions to the adoption issue, based on the experience that I had, as well as my adopted friend, the lecturer.

I've just remembered... I was on a boat crossing the Gibralter Strait a couple of years ago. I got chatting to a woman, and we got onto the subject of boyfriends. Even though I was with Mr Nice-but-Dull, i mentioned that my ex sounded like her boyfriend. Her response was "Is he adopted, by any chance?" She then asked a series of questions, starting with "does he do ...x,y & z?', including "does he wear a fake Rolex?" and seemingly obscure stuff like that - to which the answers were all 'yes' . It was just uncanny how much i 'knew' about her boyfriend, and how much she 'knew' about the scorp - just with the commonality of adoption.

If I gave any advice not to get involved with an adoptee, it was wholly wrong of me to do that. Only you know what you want to do and how your situation feels. So, can I just revise my comments to...

Just look after yourself and keep your standards as to what is acceptable behavior to you. And be aware of doing anything that is against your instincts just to make someone else feel secure or loved.

If someone had told me a similar story to mine at the outset, honestly, it wouldn't have affected me, because my life is different to someone elses. I can't think of many circumstances where i'd go against my instincts about relationship because of someone else's experience. Nor should you - we both know now that I am biased!


Technically, your position is the same as it was before the 'A' word came up. And so far, the pattern has been more and more communication each time you see each other. Only you know how you feel and what you want to do - same with him. I know the adoption-related stuff i've posted is all heavy and negative' - but like anything else - take it or leave it - you know what to do!

I kinda feel like i've been really negative and posted lots of scary stuff about adoptees. Which I have. But i haven't held back nor edited, preferring to say it all, rather than tone anything down. I know that you'll sift out what is/is not relevant to your own situation.

Ok - I'd better stop!! I think i've said as much as i can say about my own adoptee experiences, so I'll keep a lid on it from here on in. Take care and let me know how you're doing.



0000
by: Anonymous

Hey...

That's a very frightening story. Even if you minus out the whole adoption issue, it's still scary. Well I still haven't replied to my aqua and he hasn't reached out again. I don't think I am going to respond back...I just have a lot to think about.

I know there's a possibility that my situation could turn out like yours. There are similarities in our adoptees, like my aqua needing to please his parents. I should also mention that he lives with them. He's trying to be a teacher, and unfortunately because there were so many layoffs, it doesn't seem he's going to be getting a full-time teaching position anytime soon. I think that also plays a hand in him wanting to make sure he's not a nuisance. He doesn't have a drinking problem, and only drinks socially. He does however smoke marijuana, along with 80% of the US population. He says because his mind thinks so fast and is constantly moving, it helps to slow things down a bit (I think because the whole ADD). I personally don't see this as an issue because I like to smoke every now and then as well....and I'm just one of those people that don't see marijuana as a threat.

He doesn't appear to be a self-loather...at least it's not something I've been able to see yet. Honestly, those emotions seem too intense for him...so far he appears very calm and even. He's not at all frivolous with his money...if anything he's cheap (and those are his words). He says he's very frugal with money because he had no job. Since then however, he got a job (within the past two weeks) and is taking substitute teaching positions on some days. As far as the bed thing goes, I understand why he leaves, but I honestly do believe it is something that will change once he begins to get comfortable and can relax. He says he has a hard time sleeping in his own bed sometimes because he has so much running thru his head. He says he's the type that once he wakes up in the morning (unless it's 5am) he can't go back to sleep because his mind starts turning on. Now that's an aqua for you...always in their head! My aqua friend I talked about previously was the same way...he'd wake up at 5 am and stay up and start his day. Even he had a hard time staying the night with me.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

I don't have any predictor on how things will turn out with him, or if issues from his adoption are going to cause major destruction in what we have. Issues have become to surface, but the only thing that is an issue (right now) that possibly relates to his adoption is the distance. I have no idea if he'll be able to meet my needs or if I'll be able to meet his. So far I've been very good at not giving what I'm not receiving. This is a lesson I learned a while ago. So I don't feel used or that I am giving more than him because I'm not. The one thing that is happening is that my expectations for him and 'us' are going up, and those expectations aren't being meet. I figure with us getting closer that it would trickle into other areas of our relationship, and it hasn't yet. I don't know if that's my issue or his issue because we have only been talking for 4 months. I guess we'll see if after this last distancing, he allows himself to get closer....which has been the pattern so far.

I've decided I can't stop talking to him because of the adoption issue. I realize it may pose a problem later between us, and it's something I'm going to keep a VERY close eye on. The moment it gets destructive is when I will step back without trying to rationalize his behavior because of the adoption. This is a lot to take in. I feel like I need to slow things down even more with him and just focus on being his friend so I can get to know him better, while still being able to analyze my options. I don't want to be one of those people that gets blinded by my emotions because I like him. There's just information overload right now.

s;
by: Anonymous

Information overload indeed. With so much distance since the scorp, i forgot how nasty that all was until i started writing about it.
That said, it was all quite extreme stuff.

A stupid thing has been making me laugh this week - so, i've repeated it at the end to lighten things up.

I heard my aqua on the radio complaining that he has been sick for a month - so that half-explains that!

Ok - see if it has the same silly effect:


There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

.....
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I'm scared to ask this, but now I kind of want to know. Who is your aqua? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to...but I'm curious now haha. I'm glad you got a little glimpse of explanation for why he's been out of contact. Although I'm sure as of now it doesn't carry much weight.

I thought the little joke was cute, but I'm not sure if I got it. The only thing that I pictured was two fishing driving a tank, like a military tank, and asking how to drive it. I'm sure that's not the meaning of the joke though.

I haven't heard from aqua again and I haven't reached out to him either.

===
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I just wanted to update you before you wrote your next post...

I heard from aqua but it was really late at night when he text me. He asked what I was up to, I said studying and mentioned to him that we should get together before I leave to Hawaii. He said he could stop by that night but I told him it wasn't good for me. I said that the next time we meet up, it needs to be out somewhere doing something instead of being cooped up in my house. He said ok let's do something. I asked him to check his schedule and when he figures out when he's free, to let me know and we'll coordinate something (Looking back on it, it sounds kind of sarcastic since he did ignore me a few times...but it wasn't intended that way at all). Right away he responded that he has an open schedule. I told him that I could meet with him Monday and he stated that was fine, and if I want to see him to hit him up.

I get the sense he may be a little scared or nervous. His demeanor throughout the texting was kinda off. I know it sounds weird because it's sometimes hard to get a feel of people thru text, but something was definitely not usual. I don't think he's use to me ignoring him since we've built an intimate rapport with one another. I usually don't ignore anyone and am one of those people who will always get back to you if you call, text, or email, so people tend to notice if I don't reply to them. I also think I caught him off guard by stating I didn't want to meet at my house anymore. I think this (coupled with not calling him back or reaching out to him) has him wondering what's going on. He even told me that he "wants to see me" in a very mushy way...which is rare.

Not to sound mean, but shit...I hope he is shaking in his boots. I care about him, but I was really at the point of not giving a fuck about what happens. I literally had it in my mind to just get it over with and move on.

Anyways...just wanted to update you.

avkl/nl;
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Sorry I wasn't around - just had a couple of days in the country with friends.

I think that when there is a gap in the flow of communication, people approach it gently, when bringing it back together. If your aqua sounded in any way reserved, then it is in an understandable context. You're the same too - being more reserved by not wanting him to come over late, and wanting to do something different.

To an outside eye, 'being careful' with each other seems a natural way to 're-acquaint' after a bit of distance. It'll just drive itself when you meet up and get a chance to talk and be with each other. Its also good timing to tell him that you want to go out, instead of holing up at your house. It is god that you've communicated that now, as I know you had an issue with that. Surely thats an improvement already, is it?

We should both guard about putting the 'anal' into 'analysis'! Simply enjoying the experience of being together is enough sometimes, without questioning what is gonna happen next, or pondering the sub-text etc. Its good to remember that whatever the questions, the aquas probably don't have the answers either!

After a relaxing long weekend away from work (first time in too long!) I thought i'd share my new motto for the week: 'live, love, enjoy!' So, maybe no heavies, jut fun might be the way forward for you and the aqua to 're-connect'.

Hey-you know I won't be 'outing' a married man - can't. I haven't heard from him, and not thinking of contacting him either. But, I do remain soooooo enormously fond of him and have no negative feelings towards him at all - so I'm all cool there. I'm sure I'll see him at some point, but again, it suits me to concentrate on business matters at the moment and just leave the aquatics out there.

So, I hope you have fun when you meet your aqua. Remember that any negatives expressed here is ultimately 'speculative', and the real deal is how things are when you're together. Enjoy!

X



jjj
by: Anonymous

We saw each other this past Monday and had a really good time. I noticed that he was more emotionally open and felt more comfortable expressing how he felt towards me. He also spent the night with me and didn't leave until I had to go to work the next morning. We're hoping to see each other before I leave to Hawaii on Tues.

On the flip side...I also have bad news. He will be leaving in Feb for 4 months to play football out of state! I kind of knew it was coming because he went and played last year, but the circumstances between me and him were different then. I'm definitely not looking forward to it, but it's something he's passionate about and I'm happy for him. I just curious how it will all play out when and while he's gone. I'm sure I'll be going crazy.

By the way...I've also posted around these forums under the name Dazed, just f.y.i. I changed it when I posted here because I felt Dazed made me sound like a stoner and didn't like it. So if you come across those posts, it's me.

How's everything with you? I don't blame you for not spilling his name...I probably wouldn't either. But it didn't hurt for me to ask because I was oh so curious.

gb; g' ugyfl
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Nice news that you had a good time!

Thats nuts thing - for all the angst and analysis, the aquas are just so pleasurable to be with. With them, things are really cool, but without them, we manage to drive ourselves nuts. Who is the messy one here - the scorps or the aquas?! Some days, its hard to tell!

Ironic also that him being emotionally open makes YOU feel closer. I didn't think about it before, but it must work the other way around as well.

I'm sorry to hear that he'll be away for 4 months - thats the last thing thats needed at this time! However, you know about it well in advance, you know its not anything because of you and I'm sure it'll be conducive to being in regular touch. What do they say about 'absence'?! 'Makes the heart grow fonder."

Hopefully you'll be busy enough with study & work, but at least you won't be wondering about the absence. I hope it works out much better than you think. For the most part, its not about 'how it works out' - its about how YOU BOTH make it work out.

I heard from the aqua tonight. First he seemed liked he was sounding me out to see if I'd either mention / go on the attack over his disappearance. Not sure why he did that, its not my style at all! He apologized that he hadn't been in touch and said he'd been thinking about me. He then asked me to let him know if I want to meet up next week. I was sweet & kind, but vague about it. Its the biggest party week of the year next week, right up to xmas eve, then i'm heading to the country for xmas. So, even though I could meet him in town, I'm not thinking about jumping all over the invitation to contact him.

The absence thing doesn't exactly make me want to come running. The angel on my shoulder is telling me that he needs to work harder at it - (and thats just the fucking angel!) The devil on my shoulder is thinking about the most killer dress I have lined up for the Thursday party - and I want him to see it and weep - before I LEAVE!

I dunno, but right now, I'm inclined to leave it until maybe new year - not sure yet. Either way, I'm glad he apologized, because I was already 100% sure in my mind that the very next thing that needed to happen was for him to say sorry.

Anyway, I don't even feel like thinking about it too much, theres other stuff going on. Still, he's absolutely gorgeous, I've no interest in giving him a hard time over anything and he remains lovely. So my feelings haven't changed in that regard, I just don't need to act on them!

Anyway, thats the update! So - will you and the aqua get together before you go to Hawaii?


gb; g' ugyfl
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Nice news that you had a good time!

Thats nuts thing - for all the angst and analysis, the aquas are just so pleasurable to be with. With them, things are really cool, but without them, we manage to drive ourselves nuts. Who is the messy one here - the scorps or the aquas?! Some days, its hard to tell!

Ironic also that him being emotionally open makes YOU feel closer. I didn't think about it before, but it must work the other way around as well.

I'm sorry to hear that he'll be away for 4 months - thats the last thing thats needed at this time! However, you know about it well in advance, you know its not anything because of you and I'm sure it'll be conducive to being in regular touch. What do they say about 'absence'?! 'Makes the heart grow fonder."

Hopefully you'll be busy enough with study & work, but at least you won't be wondering about the absence. I hope it works out much better than you think. For the most part, its not about 'how it works out' - its about how YOU BOTH make it work out.

I heard from the aqua tonight. First he seemed liked he was sounding me out to see if I'd either mention / go on the attack over his disappearance. Not sure why he did that, its not my style at all! He apologized that he hadn't been in touch and said he'd been thinking about me. He then asked me to let him know if I want to meet up next week. I was sweet & kind, but vague about it. Its the biggest party week of the year next week, right up to xmas eve, then i'm heading to the country for xmas. So, even though I could meet him in town, I'm not thinking about jumping all over the invitation to contact him.

The absence thing doesn't exactly make me want to come running. The angel on my shoulder is telling me that he needs to work harder at it - (and thats just the fucking angel!) The devil on my shoulder is thinking about the most killer dress I have lined up for the Thursday party - and I want him to see it and weep - before I LEAVE!

I dunno, but right now, I'm inclined to leave it until maybe new year - not sure yet. Either way, I'm glad he apologized, because I was already 100% sure in my mind that the very next thing that needed to happen was for him to say sorry.

Anyway, I don't even feel like thinking about it too much, theres other stuff going on. Still, he's absolutely gorgeous, I've no interest in giving him a hard time over anything and he remains lovely. So my feelings haven't changed in that regard, I just don't need to act on them!

Anyway, thats the update! So - will you and the aqua get together before you go to Hawaii?


,l;m
by: Anonymous

Hmmmm. Since deciding not to think about the aqua ... guess what's been occupying my mind. I read this post in another thread:

"You can't move fast with them or demand all this time or emotional reassurance from them. I know it's hard to understand because you feel like if someone really likes you they'll show it, call you, and verbally spat out all these declarations of love. Sorry honey, but aquas don't work that way. You really have to tone it down and relinquish all control to them in terms of the pace of the relationship....patients is key."

The point is made succintly, but it seems such an alien concept to me!

Still working out what to do!

How you getting on?


kkkk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

It's funny that you posted that paragraph because I was the one that actually wrote that! That was said in one of my very few clear moments...when I felt I had control.

Me and my aqua are well. I saw him again saturday night and we had a really good pillow talking session. Everything was fine until we were interrupted at 2 am by excessive knocking on my door! I was freaking out and scared because I had no idea who it was! Turns out to be my downstairs neighbor asking us to keep it down, and it wasn't stated nicely. I was so embarrassed! My aqua told me he initially thought it was another man knocking on my door. I have to admit I thought that too, until I realized I wasn't seeing anyone else! So many thoughts were running thru my head of who it could be, I even thought that a girl possibly followed him over. Now I feel like I have to move.

I'm glad you were able to speak with your aqua finally. I think you should play it by ear on whether or not to meet up with him. You should get dressed up in that nice dress of yours, go out, have fun...and only then if you feel like seeing him, call him. If you realize you're having too much fun without him, then don't. When my aqua disappeared on me, I ignored his first "reconciling" text, and it only took him about a week to reach out again. I can bet that your aqua won't let too much time pass before he tries again to arrange something. Especially since he knows that he let too much time pass before, and he'll probably want to see you. I don't see any harm in letting him put a little effort in. By doing so, I think it'll allow you to see what's been on his mind while he was away, not to mention men need a little 'chase' to keep them going.

One thing I noticed about aquas is that...when you're physically with them, they make you feel like you're the only person in the world and you get wrapped into this bubble with them. However, when you're not with them...they act and make you feel like you're the last thing on their mind. I think they get so preoccupied with what goes on around them it causes them to appear and act distant. For me, I think that causes me the most confusion. There's no question that when my aqua is with me I know how he feels, but when we are away from each other it's hard to grasp him emotionally. Lately, I've been coming to terms with that and not letting it effect me. I use to put my guard back up because it's hard to put yourself out there with someone who APPEARS wishy washy. However, I realized that that's just how he needs to be when he's off trekking into the world.

I leave for Hawaii tomorrow and I'm very excited! I will keep myself posted on here while away. Let me know what you decide with your aqua...either way, you'll still manage to see him.

jairo[
by: Anonymous

Isn't that so funny that it was you who posted that quote originally!

I decided not to be mean to the aqua (under any circumstances), and not to 'have attitude' about the distance. I simply don't have any right to either. So, to avoid 'snubbing' him, I sent him a text telling him which nights I'd be in town this week and asked if he was planning to be in town. I got no reply, which actually makes me feel a little silly now.

Anyway, I think its a mistake for me to do anything proactive there for the forseeable future, so, I'm leaving it at that. Your comment seems spot-on about how aquas make someone feel one-on-one. But, the idea of someone else setting the pace is completely new to me, so it it ain't easy to appreciate how these aqua dudes operate. However, I think I'll try to accept it too, frustrating as it can feel sometimes.

I thought your post mentioned a really cool thing - the fact that you're happy with the aquatics and that you're not putting your guard up. Thats such a totally different picture to your first posts. Back then, even your guard had a guard up! What a great way to end the year!

Snow is threatening xmas here! All airports have cancelled 95% of flights, 10 inches of snow this afternoon alone, roads either impassable or highly dangerous, shops can't get stock delivered, xmas shoppers have been kept away by the weather, post and parcels can't be delivered, online shopping has been really fucked up with non-deliveries etc.

Its just as well that I didn't book flights to africa, I would not be able to fly. Driving to the country is also under threat, because of the state of the roads. So, xmas is going to be quite exciting because of all the chaos, and I say... bring it on, I'm looking forward to seeing how it will all work out!

I'll post updates on the aquatics - assuming there is anything to say!

Have a lovely vacation in Hawaii - again, it sounds like a perfect way to end the year. Happy Christmas to you!

x






jjjj
by: Anonymous

Hey...how was your xmas? Mine was ok...it was raining so bad in Hawaii I didn't even get a chance to go to the beach :( Other than that, I had a great time with my family and saw some old friends as well.

Unfortunately I'm on a down swing with my aqua, however, this down swing is very different than the others. I've been thinking a lot about how much tip toeing seems to be going on with respect to ensuring aqua's get their space and freedom. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it. So much so, I told my aqua flat out that I don't like the way we communicate with each other and it's not going well, because it's practically nonexistent when we aren't together. This isn't the kind of intimacy I want with someone. I was thinking over xmas how other couples are spending quality time together and doing special things for each other...and I thought about how I didn't have that with my aqua. It definitely opened my eyes. It was then that I realized how much I wanted that kind of relationship and how I knew it was something that was very possible for me. Whether or not it's something my aqua can give me is irrelevant at this point because I know that if he can't someone else will.

I've decided I'm going to lay my cards on the table with my aqua and at least allow him the opportunity to step up before I walk. Unfortunately I'm not going to consider how he could possibly react to it, because I just don't care anymore. Aqua or not, if we're not compatible, we're not compatible and that's perfectly fine. I know what I want and the intimacy I desire. I know I'm not this demanding, clingy, needy woman...so I don't feel like my standards of a relationship is unrealistic or asking too much. However, if he views it that way...then we just aren't going to work out and that's the bottom line.

I don't know what happened while I was away and out of town, but it definitely did something to my spirit. I literally don't care anymore on how things will work out with him. My desire for real and meaningful love has replaced my desire for him.

Anyways, how did things end up working out for you and yours?

vjghfl
by: Anonymous


Hey...

Xmas was badly affected by the weather here. Snow and multiple blizzards grounded most people. A friend of mine spent 2 days at the airport trying to get away. There were 3 of us stuck, so I decided to do a 'pretend' xmas at mine for the 3 strays. It worked out fine, but the party week was effectively cancelled due to such bad snow. I went to one bar party, but the taxi skidded and crashed on the way home! Nothing serious. My xmas wasn't ruined, just different to what was planned.

Yeah - those silences and distances can be pretty destructive to a relationship. I don't blame you at all for wanting more from it than what you have. When I was with that scorp, the unacceptable became accepted because of the occasional reassurances, bits of fun, time habit, lowered resistance etc. Looking back, the thought of the 'good times' was partly the glue that held the thing together, even though the main substance of the relationship was shit. I think maybe the mind kinda blocks out the traumatic bits and elevates the good parts, fooling you into thinking you have more than you really do have. I let the scorp situation continue for waaaaay to long, and it never improved, despite promises and even a ring (yuk - which I never wore!)

It would be very different if YOU didn't feel the need to see the guy often, or if it were you that needed miles of space in between each meet-up. But if you're clearly not getting what you need from the relationship, then you're hurting yourself by accepting things as they are. A really confusing 'minefield' element is liking the person, but not the relationship.

And lets face it - all the distance & disappearance stuff isn't very 'normal' in the early stages of a relationship. The opposite is usually true, as people usually can't get enough of each other. I see where you're coming from and why - and it makes perfect sense.

It sounds like you're doing right by you, which I'm glad you're doing. What was your aqua’s reaction when you expressed how you felt?

(i'm posting again, to update you on my stuff in a little while!)

nW
by: Anonymous

I'm not impressed with my aquatics either! The last time I saw him, he came over 2 nights in a row - and it was so so nice. He sent me a text 2 months later, having cancelled me in between. He asked me to let him know if I was free, and I thought about it and decided to text him to let him know I'd be in town. I never got a reply, which made me feel a bit stupid - since it was him that asked.

That was nearly 2 weeks ago. So, I'm not doing that again, simply because I deserve better manners than that, as do you. I think its a way of behaving that just messes people around and causes negatives. Christ, all they have to do is to send a few texts to say hi, and it changes things. The only thing that really makes sense is that they don't want the closeness. Aquarius or not, there are much more basic things like manners & respect that are missing.
In the case of a married man i can understand his loyalties, but then - why ask to meet up?! My theory is that he scared himself with his own feelings & behavior when we spent time before. I think that as good as it was in one way, it was equally bad in another way. Really really good, and really really bad! When seeing a married man, somebody has to come off worse, and I was always odds-on favorite! And he has positioned himself into a mild 'damned if i do, damned if i don't' situation. It doesn't hurt me, its just messy whichever way it goes and I have a lot of sympathy for him, although I feel disregarded.

So... I'm in the same place as you with the aqua situation - bored of the whole backdrop to spending any time together.

Just one thing though.. when you say "if he can't give that, then someone else will". I think that part of the problem of the aqua modus operandi is that it blocks our ability/opportunity to GIVE to the relationship, not just receive from it, which is really important.

CONTINUED...

BJK/B/
by: Anonymous

My plan is to do nothing and not think badly of him. I'm not really seeking a relationship with anyone, because I want to save my energies and focus for business. That said, (and this might sound very arrogant & big-headed) - I'd forgotten how much personal power I have until recently, when I made it to one xmas gathering. I went to a bar that I haven't been to in years - opposite my old offices in the business district of town.
I do look different and distinctive and almost always attract attention. But this time, I was warmly greeted by not only old familiar faces, but also absolute strangers, who told me that they'd seen me around there / in other places and always wondered who I was, what i did etc. I felt like some kind of visiting dignitary that everyone wanted a piece of. One guy, whom I had never seen before, wanted to arrange a meeting with me in the new year to discuss consulting for his business. I had forgotten the sheer crazy unpredictability of simply going for a drink with friends. I know it sounds nuts and like I have an inflated view of myself - but it did remind me how weird the contrast was between the aqua being distant and strangers wanting to get close. It also reminded me that once I step back from the aqua, there is a whole world out there that also needs milking. It also made me realise that I’ve been putting a lot of emotional energy into the aqua thing that I should not have!
Things could be a lot worse, couldn’t they? Imagine if you were one of those wailing women who didn’t understand her own worth that was calling him all day and night leaving sobbing messages. You obviously have class, dignity, self-respect and standards – otherwise why else would you be bored of the nature of the relationship? I think that not only is it “very possible” that you’ll end up getting what you want from the kind of relationship you want, but it is inevitable. Men have standards too!
My aqua story is not finished, but I feel I have a control over whatever happens that I wasn’t feeling before. Meanwhile, my plan is to everyting else I do, with a de-focus on aquatics!

So heres a question for you – what do you think you’ll do when the hard bit comes around? If you reach a point where you’re not satisfied with how its going, and he is trying to reassure you that he will take it all on board and try his best to work things out? Because he really does want to be with you? Those situations require an unnatural toughness that isn’t easy to see through.

Sounds like the break did you good and straightened things out for you. Was the impending 4 month distance a factor in this?


rff
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry to hear that your xmas plans were disrupted. If it makes you feel any better, I had a 15 hour delay on my flight to Hawaii due to mechanical problems on the plane. Also, it rained every day while I was there so I wasn't able to go to the beach like I wanted.

I'm glad you finally got out about town and opened your eyes to other possibilities out there. I especially liked when you said "the contrast was between the aqua being distant and strangers wanting to get close" because it's so true and a tad bit ironic. I would soak up all the attention I could and milk it for what it's worth. I always felt people should live by the slogan that you should "flaunt it while you got it." That's why I never understood why some women get comfortable and let themselves go after getting into a relationship or even having children. I also think you're right when you say that it's a bit rude for him to just disappear when he feels like it...it's total bullshit if you ask me. Definitely not something I'm willing to tolerate anymore.

The impeding four months of my aqua being away does have bearing on my decisions right now, but probably not in the way that you think. While I was away to Hawaii I kept in touch with my aqua and probably reached out to him more while I was there than I do while I'm here. The reason being is because I wanted to know if while he was away...if contact with him would suffice for me to stick around and wait for his return. It was kind of a test I guess because I know if me and him don't remain in contact while he's away...I will lose interest and get even more bored than I am now. Well...it was going well at first, but then xmas rolled around and I heard nothing from him, and I also didn't reach out to him due to the fact that when I wished him a happy thanksgiving I had gotten no response. I was basically playing the game based on the cards he laid on the table. Well that's when I began thinking about all these other couples and how they're able to share the holidays with each other, and how in comparison what I have with my aqua is total bullshit.

The following day I txt him to ask how his xmas was, but received no response. At that point I was pretty much done and that's when I told him "I wish we communicated with each other more, but that doesn't seem to be going too well." Of course, I received no response to that either. So I'm back in town now and I'm not going to let him know that. He can figure all that out on his own. I have no desire to put forth any effort with him. In response to your question, I don't see my aqua trying to prove himself to me once he does see I'm over it. I feel he'll be more of the type to walk away and sulk alone because it'll be easier for him than to actually put himself out there. I haven't really been able to plan on my response to him 'coming around' because I just don't care to think that far ahead.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

All I do know is that I'm bored, unstimulated, and feel no adventure with what I have from him. His distance, detachment, coolness, or whatever other word you want to use to describe it is predictable now....and definitely not going to keep my attention for long. I'm going to let him know how I feel about everything..whether it's to his face or thru my actions, I'm not sure yet.

aklqr
by: Anonymous

Oh Man! I don't know how many times you have used the phrase "..I reached out to him..", only for that sentence to end with a snub. It is pure bullshit, you're right. Just a shitty way to treat someone who is supposed to be special. Shitty way to treat anyone.

The end of your post reminded me of something - when you used words like "bored, unstimulated, unadventurous etc., it reminded me of one of my best friends.

He is a guy I dated for a couple of years. A really sweet sweet guy who would always carry the bags, open the doors etc. He also bored the tits off me and I just had to end it because I really did feel that he was going to bore the life out of me if I continued to see him. He wanted us to buy a house together and generally step it all up a gear, because he believed that its where relationships should lead. He was such a gentleman when I told him I wanted out! It was the nicest break-up ever, with a lot of laughter.

We never stopped hanging out, but we did instantly stop any & all 'relationship' stuff, which was a quick and easy transition. We've been friends for years now and he really is one of the best friends I could wish for, and an absolute sweetheart. I much prefer to have him as a friend than a partner, and I'm pretty sure we'll always be friends.

I just thought I'd share that, because out of the most boring relationship came a fantastic friendship. I suppose that I'm heavy-hinting that if the relationship with your aqua doesn't go the way you want it, then there is always the other scenario of appreciating the things you like about each other, with no other pressures or stresses. And why not?!!




HNY
by: Anonymous

Hey - Happy 2011 - more Passion, less Play!!

!
by: Anonymous

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

NVOI
by: Anonymous

Why can't I get this aqua out of my head?!

On NY eve, I sent a mass text wishing everyone a happy new year. I included the aqua in the list, because, I'd wish him one as well. He texted back instantly, wishing me the same, adding 'see you soon" and some xx's.

Don't hold back if you feel the urge to call me pathetic, but that tiny text has been on my mind. He's been on my mind. The thing I can't get my head around is that the whole thing was left hanging at such an interesting point and I wouldn't mind knowing how the story ends. Also, when someone has been rude to me, I want the opportunity to cite my disapproval. I sort of like the idea of driving the thing to its conclusion myself, instead of having him call the shots.

I don't know - the situation has transcended into stupid, but I'm still curious. How dumb do you think I am?!! This thing has touched 3 different decades at this point. I have questions to ask and I want some answers, instead of speculating. However, I'm not instigating any more contact.

What about you? Have you managed to communicate what you wanted - or has he been in touch?


Grrr. Damned aquas!


kkk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

How was your new years? Mine was very uneventful. I stayed home and did absolutely nothing! I didn't see my aqua because he was in the city, but I saw him last night.

I don't think you're crazy, because I'm sure I'll sound crazier. I wouldn't doubt that your aqua wants to see you soon, but with the holidays and everything..I can see why he was having such a hard time getting away and making plans. But I TOTALLY understand your frustration with the aqua male. They are a definite conundrum. It's funny because I can relate to your need of wanting to express your disappointment with your aqua's behavior, but as time passes and once you see them...everything seems to fly out the window.

Me and my aqua had a long convo last night and it was about everything. He's a very confusing man...he speaks one thing, but his actions describe something else. He told me how he was telling his sisters that he didn't want a girlfriend because they were riding him about not dating. This kind of took me by surprise, but for some reason I wasn't upset or thinking "not even with me?" I asked him why and he threw every excuse out there of a typical commitment-phobe, and I know because I am one myself. I called him out on every rationalization and told him it was an excuse for not putting himself out there to get rejected. He agreed and said he has a real fear of rejection. I brought up adoption and maybe that being why, and told him he should look into it then I left it alone. I think the only reason I agreed with for him not wanting to get into a relationship was that he was leaving for 4 months...which is understandable. He then proceeded to tell me how I should stay single because I have school and a lot going for myself...I thought that was kind of odd. I told him no, that I wanted a boyfriend and relationship, and the look on his face was of shock. He asked when my decision had changed because I had always previously been anti-relationship. I didn't answer the question because the topic changed.

We continued talking about things and I told him how he's different in person, as opposed to when he's not with me. He brought up texting, and I said yes...and he admitted he had no personality over text. He said that if maybe we talked over the phone I would continue to see the person I know...but thru text he doesn't really know what to say. I was taken that he was able to realize his texting behavior was shitty without me having to point it out. He went on to tell me that he likes talking to me and how much he respects me as a woman.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

One thing lead to another, and we were having sex but got interrupted again by my neighbor knocking on the door!!!! This time my aqua went outside to speak to him and it got a little confrontational....but nothing serious. I thanked him for taking care of that for me...and he expressed his frustration over my neighbor. He said that he wasn't even planning on having sex and that he just wanted to come over and see me and talk to me. I was puzzled because I was thinking to myself, "We always have sex when we see each other." But then it dawned on me that he was taking my previous txt message of "I wished we talked more, but that doesn't seem to be going to well" that I sent during xmas into consideration. He interpreted the txt as me saying I don't think we talk enough in general, when I meant that I wish we talked more when we aren't together. Either way, even though he didn't respond to that particular txt at the time, it was something he definitely thought about.

I asked him if he would come over sometime this week and spend time with me. He said yes and asked if Wed would work, if not that he could cancel his football plans on Tues and come then. I told him no...to keep his schedule intact and just come Wed. I was again shocked he would even consider skipping out on football.

Like I said...he speaks one thing (wanting no relationship), but his actions are showing me how I'm becoming a part of his life. I'm not at all mad or even that confused by it...I have more of a "it is what it is" attitude. I decided I'm not going to stop seeing him because he says he doesn't want a relationship, but I will keep my options open to other men if I happen to meet someone along the way. I also figure there's no point in stressing over shit because he's leaving soon anyway.

Sorry it's such a long read...but that's the update so far. What do you think?

dku esna
by: Anonymous

Hey,

To answer your question, I think two things:
1) Your neighbor needs to get out more
2) That it sounds like you got some answers-at last

It also seems like you made the opportunity to say everything that was on your mind, directly to him, which is so cool. That convo surely addressed a lot of the frustrations you had? It also seems like your aqua is a thoughtful guy and wants to meet your needs as best he can - provided he can understand them.

You gave me some advice ages ago along the lines of 'talk to him and i think you'll be surprised how receptive he will be'. Its like you took your own advice and did it intuitively. Given the kind of stuff you've been saying lately, I have enormous respect for you for talking it all out as you have - not acting upon assumption, guesswork and lack of dialogue. The result is increased closeness - as your neighbor will testify.

(Seriously though, whats up with your neighbor?! Banging on your door like that is a bit weird. Were you really making that much noise, or is he just looking out for stuff to complain about?!)

Is it right that the aqua's comment about not wanting a girlfriend was actually aimed at his sisters, not you? If they were teasing him about it, then, fair enough, it was probably uncomfortable! Telling you about might be an attempt at being straight with you - but he can only speak from experience and you said before that his experience of other relationships is limited. Or he might think that he 'can't do intimacy' (which sounds familiar from the scorp.). Its good, I think, that you are still keeping your options open - especially if it is something he repeats again going forward.

Also, if he said he fears rejection, then I think he is one brave guy, because in earlier days, he has experienced some level of rejection from you before. He is clearly very into you, whether he likes it or not!

The 4 months separation might end up being a really good thing for you guys. It will focus both minds as to whether you want to be with each other or not. Either way, I'm glad for you that you had a big talk about everything you wanted to address.

continues...



RLI AQ w`rg
by: Anonymous


With my situation, because I don't want a proper full on relationship with the aqua, I can't see me having a similar big talk. Instead, I think that some things will become clearer over time. You asked me at the outset what I wanted from him - and the answer to this is changeable. It would be nice to think that he thinks as fondly of me, as I do him - but I'll settle for not wanting anything from him that is not freely given. When I see him, I'm in no doubt how he feels, but with the distances, it dilutes things somewhat. I also think that he sees this thing as a really bad idea, but one that he doesn't want to fully let go of.

Ok, I've caught myself speculating again, which is pretty pointless! So, my plan is all about my plans, as before. But, it is all as intriguing as it is frustrating. Or is it boring?! I can't remember any more! Aquas make fools out of scorps, and we let them - wtf?!!

New Year? Well, taxis are IMPOSSIBLE to find at 4am after the celebrations in town and one would have to be highly motivated to want to go drinking in town and watch the fights in the cab queues afterwards. I went to a friend's house (an ex boyfriend) and, because he missed out on xmas with the snow chaos, we cooked a full xmas dinner, got plenty of wine, then watched fireworks from the roof after. I stayed over (spare room!!!) and we hung out, hung over most of new years day.

Anyway, well done, it must be a real relief getting all that stuff out of your system and restoring some clarity. Any aqua advice would be well-received, however, theres not much to work with at the moment!

asj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I got most of the answers I was looking for in talking with my aqua. I think the most important thing was really just opening up that line of communication with him. Now that this particular barrier is somewhat whittled away, I think our needs can be better vocalized and them meet. Also, there's really no point in building expectations because he's leaving. I have no idea what will happen between me and him while he is gone...but I sense that if we have a hard time communicating when away from each other and we live within 5 mins of each other...it probably won't get any better when he goes to a whole other state. We'll see what happens though.

As far as his convo with his sisters, I don't believe he was directing the topic towards me or dropping hints to me because it wasn't presented that way...and if it was I probably would have caught on. He has told me of previous unrelated convos he has had with his sisters regarding similar relationship topics and how they basically always try and gang up on him - him being the only male sibling. I think the reason he was able to talk about it with me was because I asked if that's how he really felt without being mad or even relating it to me...it was truly just an intellectual convo that was being discussed at that point.

I think he does care for me as you said, and he can't help it. I think he knows he'd be stupid to not give me a shot, even though he's tries to resist having feelings. He probably won't feel the urgency to make anything official with me until he comes back and/or possibly sees that I'm walking out the door because I want more and will get it somewhere else.

As for your aqua, I can see the dilemma that you're facing. It's hard to manage your feelings when there are boundaries as to how far you can take them because of the whole marriage thing. I definitely think that plays a huge factor in his disappearance and distance as well...might be one of the only factors. I think he left the last txt over NY as an opening/invitation to let you know that he does plan on seeing you again. I'm just wondering if he's waiting for you to make the call and arrange something. What do you think? I can see why he's so hesitant...it's easier and less guiltless for him to give in to temptation than to actively pursue it....if that makes sense. I would say talk to him about it the next time you see each other, but I don't see that happening because there has been such a long break between you two. You guys will be more focused on catching up and feeling each other out again.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

I have no idea what's wrong with my neighbor!!! I went to talk to my apt manager and apparently he had already been there to complain. They stated to him that there's nothing they can do about the noise (no we're really not that loud) because I pay rent and there will always be some type of noise around the apt complex. They also informed me that he is moving this month, so I won't have to worry for too long. I told them that if he comes knocking on my door again I'm not going to answer and will resort to calling the police to stop him from harassing me, because that's all it is. He is this middle-aged, white, balding, chubby, short man who I think is jealous because he isn't getting none. Anyway, I'm praying this drama will all be over soon.

bjg;btp
by: Anonymous

Hey,

How do you actually really feel about your aqua leaving for 4 months?

Is it possible or feasible that you can meet up with him a couple of times while he is away to lessen the distance timeframes?

You said:
" if we have a hard time communicating when away from each other and we live within 5 mins of each other...it probably won't get any better when he goes to a whole other state'."

Thing is, it will work out how you both MAKE IT work out - its NOT some random piece of fate that you guys have no control over. I was thinking that if some important barriers of communication and misunderstanding have already been broken, and that has worked out well, then surely you can both make a decision to keep in touch while he is away? I think I remember that you guys have previously gone 9 months (?) without seeing each other before - and still come back to each other. And that was before you really got close. I feel that a 4 month separation is as big of a problem as you both decide to make it. Would it help you guys to simply... make a decision as to how to handle it, rather than 'wait n see'?

Its such a darn shame your neighbor is leaving - I was gonna suggest that you ditch the aqua and solve all problems by dating him instead. Think about it - he is always ready to come and 'communicate' with you and he sounds like a real peach. Sorry-couldn't resist! Actually, he sounds physically similar to my groping lawyer. Good job he is leaving, he sounds like a real creepy guy with a problem. Meanwhile, I dare you to anonymously leave a set of $2 earplugs in his mail. Admit nothing, deny everything!! What can he do? Complain to the management that he got an anonymous gift? May as well have a bit of fun with the grumpy old fart before he leaves.

continues...





Z`DJH;
by: Anonymous

My aqua. Any contact I make feels like chasing him around and I trust he has his own reasons for the distance - obvious reasons at that! I respect that and respect him. I haven't blanked him, not acted distant, attitudey etc. I haven't attempted to meet silence with silence, and have made it clear enough that i'm 'onside', so to speak. I've even been stood up and been understanding about it. At this stage, he would be aware that if he wants to be in contact, then I am receptive. So, I'm personally all outta chips now and theres not much I can do there. Obviously, I'm drawing the line at making a tit of myself!

Considering how things were the last time I saw him, its a shame, but I think I should leave it alone now. I'm cool with it because I can only look at it from the point of view that, genuinely I gained, not lost something. (You playing sad music on the violin yet?!!) The thing is that I seem to now be getting sympathy from you for a married man not being forthcoming with me. Taking a step back, that can't be right! I knew at the outset that it was dodgy territory and it went as far as it did because I like him so much - still do. But c'est la vie - and if I look for positives, there are loads there, so I'm not complaining about it. (Ok, get your neighbor to accompany you on the harp at this point!)

I've seen other discussion threads before that make me think "Oh dear, where the fuck is your dignity, girl?" I also think that loss of dignity over a man is proportionate to loss of self-worth - and I ain't going there! So, thats my update there. There is one last dialogue that needs to take place, which will happen whenever it does, before the vault is sealed...

(rallentando violin & harp in C minor...bring in your aqua on saxaphone...)

... til the next time!

Hey, the 4-month thing - make it work FOR, not against you guys! Lemmie know what you guys decide.

''''
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So my aqua never came thru on our plans to see each other. I txt him early in the day to make sure he was coming. I was gonna make us something to eat and he knew this. He didn't hit me back till 2.5 hrs later and said, "Hey what's up. Sorry I was in the gym. My dad is making a big dinner tonite so I'm not gonna make it. Sorry..." I never responded back.

Honestly I wasn't surprised by him canceling, I had a strong feeling he was gonna do that. I was disappointed that I turned out to be right. For some reason I don't believe his excuse - his excuse for why it took so long for him to respond, or his excuse for not being able to make it. I think he just plan out didn't feel like coming (here goes the distance again). I'm sure this situation pretty much answers your question as to how much either one of us wants to work on keeping things connected while he's away.

I didn't mean to come across as feeling sympathy for you because of your situation. I was well aware of the fact that you knew what you were getting yourself into. I was just stating in a general sense how it sucks to have to put restrictions on your emotions, especially when you're willing to see how far they can take you. Trust me, I'm in the same boat. I can see why you don't want to reach for your aqua...it's a route I can see myself taking as well....it doesn't feel good to feel as if you're chasing someone. I'm quite impressed of how fondly you think of your aqua in spite of everything that's in the way or the confusion he can cause. It's a situation with behaviors that aren't intentional.

I wish my neighbor was young and cute enough to date, but then again I don't like to shit where I sleep. Still, it would be nice to have other suitors around, ones that are cute and fun anyway.

opC YtpY /
by: Anonymous

Heya,

I totally see why you are disappointed, I really can. I have a feeling though that you should relegate the importance of him cancelling on this occasion.

When I was stood up, I was due to cook and was really looking forward to a nice evening, and had gone to a bit of trouble to shop for ingredients etc. I did feel disappointed and a little stupid after I was cancelled. So, I know it doesn't feel good at all. I compared him to me and knew that I wouldn't cancel him if he were cooking, or if we had arranged something. So it didn't sit well with me that he did. At the time I felt that I obviously didn't mean enough to him to keep the date. I felt like he must view me as 'disposable' somehow.

However, I'm aware that there is more than one way to look at things, and that I can choose whatever perspective I want to take and so took that as a lesson to myself not to take things so seriously, instead of direct a bunch of negatives at him for canceling. I realized that canceling is not a serious crime against me and I shouldn't view it as one. It doesn't make them bad or wrong for us. Soon after, we rearranged and had a great time (that was the last time I saw him.)

I think you're right to be disappointed, and not to denigrate that at all, I still think its worthwhile keeping the whole perspective - you two really have a big thing for each other and there is a lot of fondness there. Sometimes, its not what happens, but HOW someone deals with it that can yield the best outcome. I know you want and deserve better from him, and I really think you'll get it. But I think things will only get better situation-by-situation, not overnight. Its about how much patience you have for the pace of it.

I've been cancelled twice - the first time was around that time that I read some good advice - if you're pissed off at a man, then really focus on the emotion that is being felt. Intensify the feeling and focus on it to the point where you can articulate it into words - ie/ "I feel disappointed because I've gone to a lot of trouble and really wanted to see him. I feel that he isn't making the same efforts as I am for him and that makes me feel stupid." Being able to verbally articulate how you feel takes the sting out of the actual 'feeling'. It made sense to me and stopped me from seeing him as having to walk on some kind of eggshells of 'good' behavior.

It might sound like I'm defending your aqua for canceling, but I'm really not. Its never a nice thing to do. I was just suggesting that you look at it from a different perspective - ie. a perspective that doesn't implicate the entire relationship. After all, you can still like what you have with him, but still be unimpressed with something that he has done.

continues...








GUC ;./
by: Anonymous

Just as an aside - I couldn't help noticing that his text reply was a detailed explanation and apology. That made me think of the convo you had where he admitted he was crap at texting, and he addressed the point that was made about texting. It looks like he made an effort to explain things by text as well as poss. Purely as a stand-alone, I think he should have a bit of credit for taking that on board.

If you don't know for sure, then I would take him at face value. If you were canceling an arrangement, you would have a 'reason'. If a boyfriend cancels, then its an "excuse" - I don't think that is fair, just as a general principle.

I've never encountered the aqua characteristics before. Its almost like they are some kind of emotional retards that need to 'learn' the normal things that others take for granted. When you say "we're not good at talking" - he comes over to talk (not sex). When the texting thing came up, he did a better job of texting. When you addressed sleeping together in the same bed all night, he also made changes there too. It sounds like he needs direction from you about how to conduct himself in the relationship. What you do with that is another thing!

I apologize if my post doesn't sound like I'm side - I really am. I just don't think that your aqua meant any harm at all, given how you've described your recent meet-up. It doesn't make any sense. I also don't think its fair to hinge the 4-month situation on him canceling - its not fair to either of you. I think its the same thing as you said - "behaviors that aren't intentional." I hope that makes sense.
I would go with ‘anti-logic’ here. I would let him know that its fine and see what happens. If you had to cancel an arrangement with him, perhaps you’d prefer him not to be massively pissed off about it?
If this guy keeps on hurting or disappointing you, strange as it sounds, there is value in that. There is a learning curve in it that will serve you well down the line. Sounds a bit weird I know – but there is no bad outcome for you with the aqua, regardless of what happens.

Still, what messy sorts they are. Be well.

x

daslij
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I can see your point of view...and yes I will admit that my last post was a tad bit dramatic as I did write it when I was still bitten by the emotion of disappointment. I can see why you would feel he is trying to better himself with the whole txting issue, and I will say that I didn't think about that. I would believe it to be true if it wasn't for the fact that I txt him the following day after I saw him to explain what my apt manager told me...and of course, he didn't respond. I think the reason he gave such a detailed response this last time around is because he knew how somewhat significant our meeting would have been because I've never cooked for him before, nor have we even had dinner together....ever.

Another 'change' in him that I have to dispute is the one of him staying the night with me. It's actually something we talked about the last time I saw him. I can't recall how exactly the topic was brought up, but he mentioned that he did stay over with me that night. I called him out and told him that the only reason he stayed the night was because he didn't have a car (his car is currently broke down) and if he did have his car....he would have left. He admitted that I was right. Since that night, he hasn't stayed over again.

Regardless of all the above info, I can see your logic on why I shouldn't hold it against him. I absolutely agree that people shouldn't be mad or upset with each other just because someone cancels plans. It's immature and makes you look a bit controlling and insecure even. You're also right in that I shouldn't allow this incident to define our whole relationship. However, I'm just losing patience for dealing with an emotional retard.

LAEK
by: Anonymous

Heya,

Your reaction to the aqua canceling isn't controlling, immature nor inappropriate. The word "insecure" (in this context) usually is used like an insult, or a weakness, but it simply means that someone does not feel 'secure' in the relationship. Welcome to the club!

I hope it means 'don't feel secure YET'

Rough night for me - was awake until 8.55am - and I start work 5 mins later - so not a wink of sleep. Gonna go address that now!

Catch you later!

x

ryil
by: Anonymous

How are things now - did you guys get to rearrange?



/
by: Anonymous

No we haven't. I don't know...I'm kind of over it already.

fhli d
by: Anonymous

I'm the same with the aqua, but fine with it.

With me, there ended up more analysis than actual stuff to analyze! And, bottom line, he has his own reasons for the distance, which I have to respect, as I am sure they are good reasons.

Guys cannot be 'convinced' - they have to have their own reasons for engaging/committing in a relationship. Same as women - and everyone has their own individual timing/feeling/pace about it.

I've done those 'instant click' & full-on love-fests where the guy proposes within 2 weeks (the opposite to aquatics) and those things burn-out pretty quickly too, even if they are craazy fun.

Men are just wired differently to women and are not emotionally-led like women. Their whole way of seeing a relationship is from a perspective that is different and hard to understand. A man needs a measure of maturity to operate in a proper loving relationship. I don't mean in terms of age, but the way they conduct themselves. Some can, others need time.

I hope you're okay.




sdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Yea I'm fine. Like I said...I'm just kind of over it & ready to move on.

syj aGVBN
by: Anonymous

After the last meet-up with the aqua was cancelled, I went through a period of time thinking we'd pick up contact properly. That was a strange time - simply not knowing what was gonna happen and how to respond. I needed to go through that in order to get bored of it. However, I give him loads of credit for not indulging in an extra-marital affair, which is why I am cool with it, even though I do miss him.

Have you decided it is over, or are you in limbo about it?

Where I'm at now, after all the distance is that I've got my proper strength back and won't handle myself mushily going forward. Its been a good 'balancer'.

Crazy situation lately - a close friend is going through a really bad time because she discovered her husband was cheating on her. He is an actor (big ego) and he had been unfaithful years before, but not since they were married 4 years ago. She was pouring her heart out about marriage & betrayal, infidelity etc. - and she was obviously really upset. Then she asked me about the guy i've been seeing (the aqua!)

I had a strange dilemma about telling her, or not, that I had been seeing a married man. I decided to come clean, and strangely, she had a lot of questions about my perspective on it. Weird situation though!

sdfs
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I saw my aqua last night. I told him that I don't know if we should see each other anymore because we're not looking for the same things. I told him that I am looking for a relationship and I don't see a point in wasting time with someone who isn't trying to work towards the same thing. He seemed a little caught off guard and asked if that's how I really feel....I told him yes. He stated that he does want a relationship, but doesn't see the point in entering one if he's about to leave for 4 months. I told him that I understand and it makes perfect sense, but that wasn't my concern. My concern was simply wasting time on someone who wasn't open to the possibility of commitment PERIOD.

I almost want to say that he was nervous about it all, to the point where he tried to cover it with humor. He also said what he had to say, but I got the feeling that he was trying to avoid the topic all together because he didn't want to think about it. He did tell me that he loves talking with me, and he sometimes laughs to himself when he thinks about some of the things we talk about because he doesn't share or speak of the things we discuss with anyone else.

We ended the night with no particular understanding of where we stand with each other, but I made it very clear to him what I'm looking for. Based on his response, I guess he's open to what I'm open it. I guess we'll see with time.

I'm glad that you've found a sense of peace between you and your aqua. Perhaps it is in everyone's best interest for things to cool down for a bit. I'm also glad that you were honest with your friend about being in a somewhat similar situation as she...but from another side. How did she take it? Not to mention, how did you take it? I'm sure it was interesting to witness it from the other side of the situation.

sru6n sa im
by: Anonymous

Hey,

I think its so cool of you to tell the aqua exactly what you want from a relationship. Its a good way of cutting through the bullshit and shows him that you are looking to GIVE security and commitment to the relationship, as well as receive it. If he has a good think about it, he will see that. And I hope he sees that it could be a really good thing for him.

Do you think he knows what he wants? He says he doesn't want a relationship, yet he doesn't seem to act that way - he clearly is interested in you. I suppose he wasn't able to give his proper responses without the benefit of thinking it all through himself. My guess is that he really does want a relationship with you, but the 'idea' of having one is scary to him for some reason. Time will tell how it pans out, but as long as you carry on true to what you want, then I think you'll reach the best outcome for you.

The thing I keep wondering is just how big a deal the 4 month separation is to you both? If it were me, and I wanted a relationship with the person, I'd make it work. I'm not sure if I'd see it as an insurmountable problem. But, it is all about how you guys perceive it. If you make it a big deal, then it is. If you decide that a 4-month gap is smaller than what you guys have, then it is. I think it is important not to see his departure date as some kind of 'deadline' to either finish or 'formalize' with each other. If you at least know that you want to keep seeing each other when he gets back, then you can simply agree to keep in proper regular contact.

Telling my friend that I had been seeing a married man was fine - I wouldn't have felt good about bullshitting that. She was curious about how much thought i gave to the wife, if I had any guilt, whether he ever mentioned his marriage, how he behaved, who drove the agenda etc. I answered her honestly for everything she wanted to know. She sees our two situations as very different from each other. I'm glad - we are friends so we don't judge each other, and this would have been an interesting test. She even said that she didn't think I was doing anything wrong, which was a bit of a 'wow'. Essentially, I told her I felt no guilt towards his wife and when we were together, it was 100% all about me and him. I told her bits of the background that she didn't realize before, and so I told her we almost felt 'entitled'. I would not have predicted this before, but her situation didn't affect my attitude, which surprised me.

I'm still thinking about the aqua a lot (in a good way), but don't feel the need to act on it!

Let me know how you're getting on.

.
by: Anonymous

'The thing I keep wondering is just how big a deal the 4 month separation is to you both? If it were me, and I wanted a relationship with the person, I'd make it work. I'm not sure if I'd see it as an insurmountable problem. But, it is all about how you guys perceive it. If you make it a big deal, then it is. If you decide that a 4-month gap is smaller than what you guys have, then it is. I think it is important not to see his departure date as some kind of 'deadline' to either finish or 'formalize' with each other. If you at least know that you want to keep seeing each other when he gets back, then you can simply agree to keep in proper regular contact.'

sure.... this is based on the assumption that neither party suddenly decides to disappear on the other for no apparent reason at all...

how old are you. you think you're Casper???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvUMqZOAi3k&feature=related


va;
by: Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

Yes, you are right. My comments were made on the assumption that inability to trust and insecurity were not the primary factors to apply to the situation. The situation I commented on is more about how people feel about each other.

You have to trust that people have their own reasons for wanting to be in a relationship with someone. If you'd demand reassurances that someone won't disappear on you "for no apparent reason"- or assume that it will be the case, then I don't think the real problem is the distance. No point in driving yourself nuts 'assuming' some worst case scenario, then convincing yourself it is a 'fact'. Also, you can't see into the future, but you can get a grip on your own behavior and vibe you give off.


The link you sent was a bit heavy, no?! All that "...leaving you....and crying in the dark" stuff is about reinforcing a negative mindset that most people, including Casper, should avoid for their own good!

Happy days!

Red




???
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I think he's scared. I know it sounds stupid and it's such a typical female response in trying to rationalize a man's emotional unavailability, but in this case I really think it's accurate. His behavior when he's around, what we talk about, and his reactions to the possibilities of losing me are what makes me think he has no clue how contradictory he sounds when he states he doesn't want a relationship....but then later he says he does. So conflicting...

I haven't seen him again yet, I'm not really pushing to. I start my school semester again tomorrow...so I know I'll be busy again. As far as the 4 month span goes, I'm honestly not concerned about it. I'm not looking for validation of where we stand before he leaves because there's no point for it and it's not gonna benefit neither of us. I'm sure we'll keep in contact while he's away...but I know it won't be anymore so than we keep in contact now while he's here. It's very possible that we could both disappear on each other like the other person stated, but that's not something I'm worried about either. We'll just have to wait and see how things turn out when he returns. That's the only conclusion I have to that.

I'm glad things were ok between you and your friend. That is a situation that could have easily turned against you both. How are things going along your way?

jsjd
by: Anonymous

Quick question and totally off the wall, but do happen to wear Louboutins?

.
by: Anonymous

Thanks for the clarification, Red.

It's difficult... Catch 22 situation... When your heart says one thing but your head says another...

I take that inability to trust and insecurity are major killers in social relations. I also realize that one must keep check of their own actions so as to inspire trust and security among others...

But what happens when you feel that the person involved is constantly playing with your head and playing games??? Do you feel that their behaviour is worthy of respect? Clearly they know that you've a soft spot for them... I guess that's why they continue with these games and manipulations...

If you like someone, you like someone... Why use their interest in you against them?

What a pity...


...
by: Anonymous

Anonymous...

Is there a particular situation you're referring to? Are you speaking on personal experience?

To the Female Student
by: Anonymous

"I think he's scared. I know it sounds stupid and it's such a typical female response in trying to rationalize a man's emotional unavailability"

I'm curious with the idea of "emotional unavailability"... it doesn't seem to me that you've been pushing or pressurizing him to talk about his emotions or feelings. I don't really see why there would be a need, on his part, to be emotionally unavailable then. If you guys had previously agreed to be 'friends' (as per his suggestion), why then, would he continue to disappear (or to be emotionally unavailable)? (And you KNOW that they are completely emotionally available to other people. They still see their other friends etc etc... It's just YOU personally that they're avoiding...)

How would you feel, if a person you thought you could trust and confided in, disappeared on you, even though you thought you were friends?

You're not even talking about 'romantic relationships' anymore with this person. Are they really that scared of being what he deems as 'friends'?

You see what I'm getting at?

freds
by: Anonymous

Ok, this thread has taken a turn for the weird, but here goes:

ANONYMOUS:
"Quick question and totally off the wall, but do happen to wear Louboutins?"

The shoe question is for a different kind of site.


Anonymous:
"But what happens when you feel that the person involved is constantly playing with your head and playing games??? Do you feel that their behaviour is worthy of respect? Clearly they know that you've a soft spot for them... I guess that's why they continue with these games and manipulations... If you like someone, you like someone... Why use their interest in you against them? "

The answer depends on how you feel about yourself.

A comment such as the above might benefit from its own thread.


Hey PP - if this thread gets too random, might start another, or wait it out! Hope new semester started well !




LOL
by: Anonymous

Actually I asked the shoe question...PP. I was just wondering for sizing purposes.

I have nothing to update. I haven't seen my aqua since our last visit, only very light communication since then. I haven't tried to arrange a get together either. Everything's fine...but I just don't feel like putting forth the effort.

......
by: Anonymous

I saw my aqua the other night and we had another talk. I asked him flat out if he likes me...he stated yes and I know he does, but the reason I asked was because I feel like when we aren't around each other he could care less - it's something that really bothers me. I've also noticed that I've done more to maintain the relationship, i.e. reach out to him or make plans to see each other. He told me that he has other priorities (football, school, etc.) and he knows that when he's not with me he can be a different person but it's because he has a million things on his mind. I already knew this but then he stated that 2nd priorities he kind of just lets go - this is where I fall. He says there's so much in his life he wants to get together that he feels he needs to accomplish those things.

He said that he can't be emotionally available like he should and he doesn't know when he'll be ready for a relationship. He said that he remains distant to "protect" both of us. I asked him to tell me if I'm wasting my time and he said no. He said that he likes me and he's not dating, sleeping with, or seeing anyone else but me....and all his free time is spent on handling what he needs to take care of. I told him that I'm not worried about a relationship right now, but I just don't want to be the girl who dates a man for years without it ever going anywhere and it stays this way the entire time with no progression...or else what's the point. I told him that he is leaving for 4 months so there is no point for anything serious...but I don't understand why he feels he has to choose between having someone in his life and his goals - why can't he have both (this is a general statement). He said that he sometimes thinks he punishes himself but also that he doesn't know where he's gonna end up. Because he plays football, he might be out of town for months a lot and he knows it would be hard to maintain a relationship if he's always leaving for a portion of the year. He doesn't like long distance because he'll know he'll always want to see the other person but he knows he can't.

I don't care that he has a life, I don't care that he has something he's passionate about (I actually like it) and he puts it before me....but I just don't want to waste my time. I understand he's busy and all, but I feel that he is hiding behind that to actually avoid risking all the potential hurts that can come from opening yourself up to someone. All the points he made are very logical reasons but if you look at it - they involve no risk at all...everything is so guarded. I don't know if I should leave or stay.

oh man
by: RedOkt

Hey,

You're doing some really tough stuff here - communicating openly, putting yourself out there, letting him know how you feel and what you need - I really admire you for doing that, because you're being absolutely true to yourself. Thats not as easy as it sounds sometimes, especially when trying to work out where a new relationship stands.

I think there is a difference between the aqua answering your questions and how he actually really feels inside. I still think his behavior in this relationship fits into some really common sentiments of adopted boys, whether he realizes it or not. It is that business of how he feels being with you, but being unable to to actually 'be' in the relationship. When I was with the scorp (bearing in mind he did ALL the running there), he constantly alternated between wanting to be with me, but not wanting to be in a relationship. Each time, I invited him to just leave leave me alone, he couldn't & wouldn't. It is like having both the attracting and repelling sides of a magnet within the same person.

I'm starting to feel that the reason you guys keep yo-yoing back and forth from each other is purely down to how the aqua handles himself. I'm also pretty sure he can't help it. So many adopted boys just seem to have that 'bonding with women' thing missing from their psyche - they just don't have natural ability that in them. I believe that he genuinely likes you enormously, and it is true that he is trying to 'protect' you from him. Like I said, I don't think he really understands it himself, which is why he tries to explain it with other things like prioritizing football and other goals. He doesn't get it himself.

continued...

2
by: RedOkt

I think your aqua likes the idea of it all, but knows that he just doesn't have the things to give to a relationship that are required. You said that he has never had a serious relationship before, which isn't surprising. Most people, by age 27 have had some kind of serious relationship before.

I don't have much confidence that your dynamic with him will change, because he probably can't deliver on emotional closeness. That is not his fault, nor yours. I think he has been as honest as he can be, even if it sounds really hurtful to imply that you are a "2nd priority". I don't think that was meant as an insult, even if it is insulting.

You can't change him, love can't change him and he can't change himself. I think he is to be commended for being as honest as you - and I think you should listen to him. It can't be that easy for him to admit the things he has to someone he likes so much. I don't think he is hiding from potential hurt, I just don't think he has the stuff to give to a relationship.

Given the things you've posted about what he has said, I think you should let him go. Either that, or compromise the fulfillment of some of the emotional needs you have in order to hang onto him. But what are you going to be hanging onto exactly? It is a horrible situation - sort of a 'lose lose' in the short term, but I think that definitely for now, a relationship is impossible, unless it is one in which you continue to suffer emotionally.

If you were not emotionally involved with the aqua, maybe you'd hear his words as they are, without attaching them to "the relationship" - ie. YOU. His 'behavior message' has been consistent throughout, maybe it is time to hear him.

I'm sorry about the nature of what I'm saying, I know its not nice reading. It is a sad situation. Your wellbeing depends on how you treat yourself, and I think that deep down, you know it is bullshit to accept "i had a million things on my mind" as the reason not to be present in the relationship.

How do you feel about the above?

3
by: Anonymous

I heard from the aqua at the weekend. I've been pretty sick with flu for over a week, so I was doing 'pillows-couch-fluffy blanket-remote control' therapy at the time. I told him I was sick and he was incredibly sweet and sympathetic - he even offered to bring me supplies and come and watch a couple of shit movies with me. (The rare times I am sick, I hole up and watch Jaws 1,2 & 3 - i can't explain why!) Amazing. I thought that was surreal for him, of all people, to offer something so normal after such a long absence. So aquarius to not skip a beat like that. I was pretty surprised, but also very sick, and if I am sick, I don't want company (unless it is a shark!) I told him I'd give him a shout when I was better, but I'm not sure about it. I think I can predict the turn of events at this stage. Then again, I think I have a certain immunity to the 'uncertainty/distance' etc., so I know what I'm getting. I dunno, not in a hurry there, even though I really like him loads.

So, thats the aqua update this end.

I was a bit thrown by a couple of the posts on here recently. I don't post on any other web forums on any topic, and had gotten used to corresponding with you over our situations. I'm amazed at how much i've confided, as it is not usual for me. So, when a couple of new posts appeared, I was caught by surprise and found it somewhat intrusive, even though i know this is an open public forum! Duh.

You've stuff to weigh up and think about, I know. I'm also sorry that it is a difficult dilemma. I was as straight as I'd be to a good friend over a glass of wine, even if what I was saying isn't nice or diplomatic. I wonder what would happen if you backed right off? All of the onus would be on him to work out how and where he stands. If he wants to be in a relationship with you, HE would have to reach out, instigate and communicate this. If he wants you, he'd have to come and get you. He also runs the risk of doing so too late - so you'd know how much he'd be prepared to work at this, or not.

Not nice as it is, I think you completely did the right thing by discussing it all.

Let me know if the perspective of my posts make any sense or are relevant to you.

Take care
x


aaa
by: Anonymous

I'm just really confused. I keep going back and forth between not caring about a relationship and then caring about it. I think it's because I know that I'm not ready for one yet, especially if he is leaving for 4 months...it makes no absolute sense. However, it's the possibility of one that I keep going back to. I've never considered myself to be the type of chick who pressures a man into anything, especially a relationship...I hate women who do that. I just don't know what I want.

I think it would have been different if he had said, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now because I'm still getting to know you plus I'm leaving...but if things work out, then yes I would eventually like that." However, it seemed like it was something that wasn't even on the table. He keep throwing out every excuse...and I can't help but wonder if he really just doesn't want a relationship, or if he just doesn't want one with me.

One minute I feel like I don't need the relationship, then the next moment I feel like it's something I desire. It's so confusing. A side of me has that go with the flow attitude, then another wants what it can't have. It's exhausting.

I think you're totally correct in that he doesn't have anything to give to a relationship. He kept bringing up how he doesn't have steady income, lives with his parents, and so on as to reasons why he feels he's not ready for one. However, I still feel that these are just excuses. Maybe I don't understand it because I'm not a man...or maybe it really is just bullshit. I'm really looking forward to him leaving because I feel like my mind will become clear and perhaps I can just start moving on. With him out of the picture, all this shit is really irrelevant.

Do you think I should tell him I don't what to see him anymore in that context, or should I just let him leave and let things dissolve that way? I have a feeling we'll end up seeing each other before he goes, so that would be the perfect time to let him know because no matter what...he's gone, so we both have no choice but to let it go and carry on with our lives.

I'm glad you heard from your aqua. At least you know that no matter what he's still there as a friend. That's probably the best aspect of the aqua relationship...their still there if you need them.

jdsjy ws
by: RedOkt

Man, I really feel for you - I know it is unsettling, confusing, hurtful, irrational & illogical and that you'll see it in different ways at different times. The way I see it, the aqua has an idea of what "a relationship" is and should be - ie. once he has a job, steady income, place of his own, free time, goals achieved etc., THEN he actually has something to share with someone. Your vibe is more like 'I'll take you as you are because of how I feel about you and the potential of 'us'."

We both know that a person has to be in a certain kind of mindset to want to be in a relationship - they need to feel 'right' in themselves. I see where your aqua is coming from to some degree. I don't want a relationship, because I have other things I want to do and achieve and just do not want any obligations to anyone else. I don't want to have to be somewhere at a certain time, I don't want to feel like I have to devote any time to someone else, I don't want to have to drop everything if they have an emergency, I don't want to comfort anyone if they are sick, I don't want to dream up fun things to do, places to go etc. I just want to freely pursue my own agendas and not be tied into someone else's. Relationships are something that we have to make space and allowances for. Having to consider someone else's feelings impacts on my own freedom to do what I want to pursue. This does not mean that I don't care, don't like or even don't love someone, it just means that I'd rather be free to do what I need to do.

PP, the guy is telling you loud and clear that he does not want to be in a relationship, and I don't think you are listening. You've said:

"...I still feel that these are just excuses..." (Why "excuses", not 'reasons?)

"...it would have been different IF he had said....." (Head in the sand?)

"...maybe I don't understand it because I'm not a man..." (It is not logical, nor easily understandable.)

He is giving you every reason in the book that he is able, and I suspect that there are reasons that he can't articulate, but just feels as well. You are choosing to see it as "excuses" and have your own ideas of what he means instead. I think you need to listen, hear and trust what he is saying without 'translating' & re-interpreting it in your own way. None of your behavior is "pressurizing" - you've a lovely way of being open, clear and honest in a non-pushy, non-threatening way, so please do not harbor any negativity towards yourself over this. I don't believe that he wants a relationship, but just not with you. I think the truth is that emotional closeness is just not something he is equipped to do.

continued..



2
by: RedOkt


Emotional closeness does not feel natural to some people. We learn to 'emotionally bond' as babies, but he did not get that opportunity.

It is really tough. I've been through this with the aqua. When he was over 2 nights in a row, it was obvious that we both felt a certain way. Then....huge silence and distance. You saw me in a spin about that - I just could not understand how he could not want to be in a situation with me that felt so good. I reasoned that he was doing the right thing because he is married. But whatever the truth of that, the awful thing was that MY feelings were IRRELEVANT to the situation. It was irrelevant how I felt, because the aqua didn't want to get that close. If one person does not want to be in a relationship, then cruelly, it just doesn't matter how the other one feels, because it ain't happening. You can't make someone be a certain way or want a relationship just because you do.
The added complication and confusion is that the aqua really genuinely likes you, loves being with you and obviously loves how he feels when he is with you. You are very special to him in that way. I think he';ll always feel that way about you, but doesn't feel able or willing to commit to the relationship in the way you would like. I think the 4-month distance will give you yourself back. I think that during that time you will wake up one of the mornings and think "well, screw all that, i know i'm right to want what i want and i'll be getting it from someone who does want the same things." And you will feel good about it.

It is sad, isn't it? But only in the short term and I think you need to go through it to reach a better situation. You've conducted yourself brilliantly, and it is his loss, unfortunately for him. Poor aqua, I think he'll always have problems with emotional closeness. He will have given you the gift of a radar for emotionally inadequate men, which is actually better than getting tangled into a relationship with one. It wasn’t nice at the time, but after 3 months of distance from the situation, I feel my aqua has done me a big favour by being unable/unwilling. This is better that what the alternative could have been.

I think it is important for you to have the last word on it with the aqua. I'd suggest that you simply tell him that you understand that he has priorities other than relationships and that you wish him well on his trip. That way, you're not saying "you're dumped... I don't want to see you anymore...etc." You are leaving it nicely, which is a good thing to do. Make sure you arrange for a drink or two with a friend or two the night he leaves - even if you don't feel like it. Effectively, you'll be raising a glass to waving off someone who, unfortunately, doesn't measure up for you. Regardless of how you feel about him, he doesn’t have the goods.

xfh qw
by: RedOkt

It feels like shit, I know. I think that you actually know exactly what you want and are not really confused about it at all.

You've seen other couples on vay-cay in Hawaii, and you know how loving relationships are. Butterflies, trust, security, wanting to see each other, closeness, dates, fun, caring, consideration, stern words about dirty dishes - all those things are just normal and go with the territory. None of those things are rare, they are in every street, in every town, the world over. The real problem is that you want those things specifically with the aqua - and he ain't the one (or one of the ones). That must hurt and feel really confusing, because you know how you have both felt being with each other.

Relationships are also about how things are when you are not together. Not replying to texts, not communicating for weeks, not being around for your birthday, not taking you out for the evening... fuck, not even wishing you a happy xmas on the day etc. - you KNOW that it is not right nor a normal way to conduct yourself in a loving relationship. You just know, don't you?

A person should not be told to do those things, they feel it and have it in them, or they don’t. The real confuser is that there is so much affection between you and you enjoy each other's company so much when you are together. But, I think in your heart, you know his limitations mean that you can't have the loving, emotionally-connected relationship you want because he just doesn't have it in him to conduct himself in that way. Don't compromise what you want, it won't make you happy. Similarly, don't ask him to compromise how he is, because that won't make him happy either.

I strongly feel that the relationship you want will catch you completely by surprise. You won't be expecting it, nor actively seeking it, but it will just happen anyway. The aqua has done you a big favor, but one that won't pay out today.

I think the aqua will always be back and forth wanting to be around you because he feels so good when he is with you. I've said the quote before - "its not how you feel about them, its how they make you feel that counts". I know how much quoting people doesn't make things better, I think you have to go through a little shitty time here. It is very temporary though, and your life, loves and future are at the end of it, so be strong, distracted and pragmatic.

Maybe you end up thanking him one day, for paving the way to getting what really makes you happy. He'll be saying 'i can't, I can't.." to some woman, while clutching a football, poor thing. First things first though, go through a crap time over the aqua. The 4 months will sort a lot out for you, I know it.

Meantime, I'll be referring to my aqua as "my aqua's wife's aqua". Similar situation to yours, but 3 months ahead of you. I hope that you take my comments in the spirit in which they are meant – ie. like a written version of taking you for a virtual bottle of wine in a nice area of London.



iiiii
by: Dazed

You're right. I know I probably sound naive. I guess I'm so use to hearing about men giving "excuses" rather than actual truthful reasons for why they can't do commitment, but in this case...you seem to think he's being honest. I guess it's the scorp in me that is always trying to investigate further. I guess either way, it doesn't matter if he's giving "reasons" or "excuses"...bottom line is he can't/won't give me what I want.

I guess my struggle was really deciding if I want a relationship RIGHT NOW, which I know I don't. My going back and forth wasn't about how he felt, but about what I wanted. It's hard to decide to completely stop talking to someone because I THINK I'll want a relationship down the line, but knowing RIGHT NOW I don't...does that make sense? Hypothetically, yes I can see myself taking that route, but will I? The reason I stated..."if he had said...." was more about him putting a possible relationship on the table...I didn't need a specific time line. As long as I knew it was an option in the future, then I would have been okay. However, it was just "I don't know"...which in reality no one really ever knows for sure because things are constantly changing.

If I knew for a fact that I wanted commitment right now, I would have taken what he said at face value and moved on. But it's not something I want right now...so can I fault him for not wanting the same thing? However, it is something I MIGHT want later...which is why I'm conflicted. Do you see my confusion now? Because he didn't say whether or not it was something he saw in his future is what made me think he was making excuses...it had nothing to do with his answer for why he couldn't do a relationship right now.

Either way, I'm still looking forward to his absence. I feel I need to just let go of everything and not think about it. I also need to be honest with myself. If there are things or expectations he's not fulfilling now and it bothers me, it's not going to get any better in the future by continuing to carry on with him. I think that's a pretty good indication right there of how things will turn out if I just keep on.

Thanks for all the great insight and opinions. You've been able to shed some light on the situation. I hope I've made sense of how I feel and where my thoughts are going. I know it's probably confusing or irrelevant, but this is where I'm at right now.

ssda
by: Anonymous

I just read your last post. You're still accurate in all the things you say. Maybe I just want to avoid the pain, so I'm trying to hold on and think things will work out ok. We both know they won't though. I figure there's no use in speaking with him about it again, or saying I don't want to see him anymore...it's beating a dead horse. I'll just use the 4 months to move on...he'll get the hint and know why - no need for explanations. In the meantime, I'll be focusing on school and just continuing to work on my goals.

Hopefully I will eventually meet someone who doesn't have issues. I'm so tired of running into these men. Anyway, I'm not in the mood to feel sorry for myself. Things will work out with me how they're meant to.

HKB ;O
by: RedOkt

Hey - don't worry about going through pain. Pain is only bad if it is dentist-related. Seriously though, there seems to be a level of pain that you live with when being involved with the aqua, and another kind of pain at the idea of not being together/seeing each other/talking etc. One perpetuates, the other kind lessens and dissolves. People kinda need a bit of pain to understand quality. Things WILL work out for you - you don't need to know how or to be able to predict everything, but just KNOW that things will work out for you in the best way.

Please don't let your aqua situation taint your perception of men, because that situation is confined to 2 individual people only, not indicative of the rest of the world. There is probably no need to abruptly stop speaking either - unless that is something you need to do to.

Remember I told you that I am good friends with an ex? We just did not want the same things at all - but he's coming over tomorrow with some supplies and i'm cooking him a nice dinner for him to take away to have at home. Bottom line, we like each other, get on really well and at this stage, we are equally repelled at the idea that we ever had a 4 year relationship with each other. If there is a friendship there, there is a friendship there for you both - you don't have to 'lock-it or lose-it' - you can do what suits you. There are no rules but your own.

i guess I am going to meet up with my aqua's wife's aqua in a few weeks. Not in a big hurry now (still sick) , but I want to see how the dynamic feels and I feel I'm in control of the situation. My plan would be to meet up but not sleep with him. Please stand-by for counseling duties, just in case.

Are you going out much at the moment? A good night out / or in seems timely.

Take care.

jk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I think I'm doing better than I thought I would with getting on from aqua. I think because I pretty much in my mind have imagined that he has left....so I'm going about things as if it is true. I'm not going to contact him while he's away either...even just to be friendly. I feel I should use that time to completely detach...which can be hard when communication is still ongoing. I still have moments where I'm sad and confused, but have decided that those feelings come and go, and reacting on them aren't going to do me any good.

I wish I could say that me and him will continue to be friends, but who knows how that will even turn out. I don't want to sit here and force a friendship with him due to it being the "right" thing to do, and I also don't want to maintain a friendship out of my feelings for him either. I'll just let things fall where they're meant to naturally. I'm coming to terms with the "loss" of my relationship with him...and this can all just be boiled down to bad timing, both emotionally and externally.

I haven't been going out lately...my life has been reduced to school and work. I wouldn't say I'm in a slump, but I think I'm just in one of those time periods where I'd rather relax and chill. I know I should be going out and hitting the town with my girls, but I'm kind of over that phase for now. But a phase is exactly what it is because I know the mood will strike again for me to want to get out there.

What do you have planned with the aqua? Meeting out or in? I'm curious how things will work out between you...if you'll see him and the feelings arise or if you decide it's just not the thing to do anymore. Let me know how that goes!

klaegn
by: Red

Hey,

I'm glad you're doing okay. I was thinking about the convo you mentioned:
"i don't know if i want a relationship...i'm not ready for a relationship...etc." and when you asked 'Am I wasting my time?' - the reply was "No." I was just thinking that I wouldn't conduct myself that way - ie. trying to keep someone at arms length, but telling them they should still stay nearby. Its not fair to do that. I would be either in, or out rather than ask someone to stick around until I made up my mind - IF indeed I ever did make up my mind.

That said, my aqua's wife's aqua has been exactly the same, but through actions instead of words. The difference is that I have not mentioned a word about it, and he would have no clue how I think or feel about any of it, except knowing that I really like him - thats all he knows. The mischief side of me kinda likes that he is in the dark about everything except knowing that i'm enormously fond of him. When there has been a distance of more than 2 months, I stop contacting him. Once, over a year ago, during that kind of period, he sent me a late night text saying " would it be alright to ask you to call me sometime?" I had forgotten that, but thinking about it now, I'd say he thinks about me during those distances.

I'm still sick - I just cant shake it and it feels really crap. So, I don't know when i'll feel better and up for calling him. But he has been sending very sweet "How's the patient & you poor lamb" type texts while I've been sick and kept in quite frequent touch lately. I'm surprised, because I sent him a text last week saying i'd be in touch when I was feeling better. This tells me he wants 'a fix'. So I have a sneaky plan to mess around a bit.

CONTINUED...


l/jv j vcy
by: RedOkt

I know when we see each other how we'll feel - the warm fuzzy thing. It has been the same feeling each and every time since over a decade ago. Forgive how it might sound, but its like I see right through him and see a clean 'beautifulness' that is just unconditional, no matter what. I'd bet my right arm he has a similar illogical and unconditional warmth about me as well. Its like looking 'in' someone, not 'at' them. I've never experienced that with anyone else, ever before - and frankly, it feels more freaky & unnerving than pleasurable. But... I don't want any of that going on in my house!

So, my sneaky plan is that I'll suggest we meet in town for dinner. I'll pay the bill myself and then tell him I want go home alone because I need some rest, because i’m still not fully-recovered . Thats the plan, because I'm still not overly impressed about the latest distance. Its important for me to see that plan through. "Always leave 'em wanting more" works both ways, so I want to balance that up. And I feel like there is no harm in playing a few games over this for my own harmless amusement. First things first though, I need to get better, then the fun and games can begin! What do you think of the plan?!

For the last few months, I have also been solely focussed on work - it has been a really intensive time. Big changes are going to be happening at work, I'm taking on a partner before summer and am trying to set things up to my best advantage. Don't know what will happen there, but there is a way to go in terms of discussions & agreements, so its a really bad time to be sick. I don't mind being "reduced" to being a pure working machine, I know it won't be forever and that the potential rewards are worth it. I hope you're similarly okay about being immersed in work and school.

These aquas! My guess is that despite your efforts to maintain some distance, the aqua won't be able to help himself. He'll remember how he feels being around you and look for a fix, same as my aqua's wife's aqua, and invite the whole merry dance to perpetuate. Look after yourself.

?
by: REdOkt

wheres my posts?! I replied yesterday - 2 pages, but they aren't showing up. Will re-do if they don't appear!

asjdjk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Well my aqua text me the other day to say "hi." I kept it very short and said hi, hoping he was doing well...then that's it. I got the initial butterflies when I saw his name appear in my phone, but that quickly subsided. It's very weird...but I don't have the desire to see him or try to maintain things as they were. When I THINK about him is when I get sad because I do still care for him. However, I'm not going crazy like I thought I would. Maybe it's a sign that this is a good thing?

You and I both know that any preset plans in the mind never go accordingly, especially with aquas. But I don't think that should deter you from doing what you want to do and at least having some kind of roadmap to follow. I have a feeling you're gonna be surprised in some way when you see him, I don't know about what though. I can't believe after all this time we've been communicating on here we're still dealing with our aquas! Crazy! I don't blame you for "dining and dashing." I think that method applies well in this case because it's been a while since you've last seen each other. It's amazing how much things or even people can change in that amount of time...or better yet, feelings. I think seeing each other again, talking, and then leaving it at that will give you time to digest everything and any new info that's presented.

Well I hope you eventually get over your sickness...seems to have lasted a while. My downstairs neighbor has finally moved out! Although, at this point it doesn't do me much good anymore :(

ILR
by: RedOkt

Hey,

I'd say that freak neighbor moving out is already a life-enhancer! Good riddance, something was very wrong with his behavior. I know it must be hard at times dealing with your feelings over the aqua. However, not being with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you is not a tragedy. If he thinks about it and changes his mind, then I suspect that the door may not be completely closed, but he is truly going to have to prove himself to you. All of the onus would be on him to convince you that he wants to be with you. At the moment, he is not doing that. So, time will sort everything out for you and deliver the quality of relationship that you deserve. The important thing is that YOU set the standard, not someone else.

Still, I know what you mean about butterflies over texts from these aquas - I wonder if they get them too? If I were pushed to guess, I would say yes. I know from previous periods of no contact, my aqua's wife's aqua has gotten in touch to ask me to contact him, which makes me think that they like receiving texts. I'm going to ask a few guys I know how they feel about getting texts from women they're seeing. (Not that a single one will admit to anthing!)

You're right - no amount of planning affects reality with these dudes, so time will tell - and they seem to need plenty of it. Its funny you mention that we've been discussing the aquas for a long time now, but had they condensed their behavior into a more 'normal' timeframe, then everyone would know exactly where they stand by now.

continues...

HJD SJYS
by: RedOkt

My friend the ex has recently had a first date with a woman. He really likes her, they seem to have had a great first date and she made it clear that she is looking for a relationship. Even though he wants a proper loving committed relationship himself, he asked her to cool her jets a bit about that, which she accepted. So I was asking him how long he'll leave it before he calls her & why. He tells me they ‘clicked’ & had a great time, but he doesn't want to appear too keen too soon because he can’t manufacture a relationship at someone else’s pace. He said that if a woman is keen to have a relationship, and a man admits to that too, then her easy-going behavior changes overnight, and she suddenly applies rules & guidelines to “emotionally oblige” a man into falling in line with her expectations. For example, if he is late or has to cancel for work reasons, he says women tend to sulk or be moody about it, instead of the open communication that he was enjoying before, and it feels like “whining & hassle”. He said that it is too soon to build up the “caring feeling”, so it just feels like nagging, and he’d “feel like telling her to fuck off”. His perspective is that a relationship is a process, not a decision.
I'm curious to see how he behaves, as a man, during his relationship. (I didn't really get to see that when we got together, the circumstances were different. Again, I wasn’t interested in a relationship, but I liked him, we became ‘fun friends’ and just continued in that vein, until he mentioned marriage, and then I suddenly snapped out of it – after 4 years! )

I'm finally getting past the sick period - about freakin time, I never get sick, so I've hated it! I’d like to see the aqua at some point, but I’m not in a big hurry and I might leave it for him to contact me. The 3 month distance dilutes the intensity somewhat. Interesting comment that you think I’ll be surprised by something. I still don’t understand a 3 month gap, but given that it is there, I’m not sure what could surprise me at this stage.

jf'o
by: RedOkt

Hey,

How are you doing? Are things getting easier, more complicated, or still up & down at the moment? When is the aqua due to leave?

The aqua has been texting a lot lately - he seems to really want to meet up. I don't think it does any harm for him to wait. It is his birthday next week, so, out of mischief, I might suggest meeting up on that day. As it happens, I have my friends from the country up that day, so I won't be able to make it anyway, so I may not get to see him for 2-3 weeks, because he is out of the country the week after. So, unless I arrange to see him mid-week during the week (which doesn't suit me) , it'll be another 2-3 weeks at least. Not sure what to do just yet.

I hope you're doing ok - let me know.


askjd
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Things are kinda the same...except I'm starting to miss him. I don't put too much thought into everything still because I feel like I have too much on my plate right now, and I'm just exhausted by other things going on. We were going to see each other a couple days ago, but we both ended up being too tired. I have no idea when he's leaving...I haven't had a chance to talk to him about anything. I think it should be within this week though, and I have a feeling if we do see each other it'll be right before he goes. That's assuming he doesn't just leave, which I can see him doing as well - trying to avoid the "goodbye" so to speak. I get the feeling we're both playing the same card and trying to go about things the same way - just keep moving forward.

Isn't it surprising how aquas can be soooo distant one minute, then up your ass the next? I read other people's descriptions of aquas as moody, and I've never considered them to be that way but if you think about it, they really are! They act one way this moment, then completely opposite the next - that's moody to me. They're definitely not moody in the sense of how scorps can be though. Personally speaking, my moods consist of not wanting to be fucked with...meaning I don't want to talk to anyone, no one talk to me, leave me alone...and if you keep trying to push me when I'm trying to gain a piece of zen, you will feel a slight sting. Although aquas may be seeking the same thing as scorps during their times of moodiness, I haven't seen one take it out (emotionally speaking) on someone - they just ignore you.

Have you decided what you're going to do about seeing your aqua? From my perspective I can see it being hard because you don't want to give in just because he all of sudden decides to come back around. However, when you would have liked to see him, he wasn't there...so it makes you wanna play the same card he dealt and just make him wait, but yet you wanna see him. I know...it's confusing. Would it hurt YOU to wait another 2-3 weeks to see him?

ik s7iw
by: RedOkt

Hey,

Just checking in to see how you're doing.

The friend I was talking about before (who found out her husband was having an affair) reminded me of you when I saw her at the weekend. She met with him to talk things through last week, and it turns out that he is still seeing the other woman, which has made her pretty angry and very very hurt. She is up and down about it, but she will be okay IF he leaves her alone and doesn't keep popping up to wreck her head, just as she is trying to get over it. I've found before that sometimes a guy just won't go away. All pretty fucking ironic coming from someone who is involved with a married man herself. Its starting to play on my mind a little now that I see my friend in a state. But, "playing on my mind" isn't the same as changing my mind - so I'm still thinking about that. I've always thought I treated people decently, and I seem to be more amoral that I thought.

I hope that you're being allowed the time and space you need. Or that your perspective is easier since you had that convo with the aqua. How are you doing?

I've arranged to see the aqua at the weekend, but I might still cancel - I haven't seen him for a while, so I think I'm almost nervous, if that makes any sense. Not sure what to make of it, even though my feelings for him haven't changed.

So..take care you.


alkdkl
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Something weird has been going on with this site lately. Anyway, aqua leaves tomorrow and I still haven't seen him. Looks like I'm not going to either. We tried to make plans to see each other, but my week as been so busy due to school so the only night I had available was the night before he leaves (tonight). He stated he knew he would have a ton to do before he goes...so I'm not surprised at all that he's unavailable to me, but I also think it says a lot.

I can officially say that this is where it ends with me and him. I don't really know how I feel about it. I'm so exhausted from what's going on in my own life that I don't really have time to sit for too long and think about it.

Have you made final plans with your aqua?

pmug'""<
by: RedOkt

Hey,

That sounds tough - I'm sorry to hear that the aqua is leaving without seeing you. Shitty as it is, hopefully you can 'get yourself back' over the coming months. When I read "officially over", I must admit my doubts - I would say that things are "officially" over when both parties recognize that, and I have a feeling that he'll text and try to keep in contact. That can be a bit of a head-wreck when it comes to trying to get over someone.

I think it is pretty unfair to say "i don't want a relationship", when in fact, he was actually engaged in one with you - closeness, talking, sex, etc. - it was sure acting like he was in a relationship when he was with you.

The aqua situation here is a little silly. We were texting about meeting up, he asked me about the weekend, I replied that Sunday would be best, then I didn't get a reply! So, strange as that was, its no stranger than anything else to do with it, so I'm more amused than bothered!

Did your aqua really end up leaving without a word?

Again, I'm sorry to hear it, but you have to know that the short term shitty period is sooo gonna pay you back with better stuff.

adkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So we did end up seeing each other before he left. He called and said he wanted to see me. He knew that if he didn't then I would be pissed, which he's accurate. Things were light and very friendly between us. No heavy emotional stuff and no resentment towards him on my part. We actually had a lot of fun together. He's actually going to be gone for 5 mos, not 4.

When I said "officially over," I really did mean it at the time because I felt I wasn't going to get a goodbye - that would have broke my heart. However, my mindset hasn't changed in regards to me doing me. While he's away I'm still going to continue to get myself back on track, which I feel I already am. I feel I have some peace about my situation with him. Although, I would be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss him.

It is unfair to me that he acts as if he wants me but says he doesn't at the same time (in a serious way anyway). However, I understand why he's doing it and I'm not mad about it. If anything I feel a little sorry for him. I've thought about what you said and what he said...and he really doesn't have the goods to provide me with a healthy relationship. I can't be mad at that or angry with him. Maybe a little disappointed because I can't get what I want....but I'd rather it be this way then for me to settle. I respect him for not wanting to be a "loser" boyfriend, even though I know his lack of emotional maturity plays in as well. There's nothing I can do about any of it, so I'm not gonna stress it or try and manipulate/control it to get what I want - that wouldn't be fair to myself.

Has your aqua hit you back yet? Such a typical aqua thing to do. I wonder if he did it to see if you'll reach out to him on Sun, or if he's gonna try and surprise you by reaching out to you. They try and make things so complex when things could be so much simpler.

jgjyfbn
by: RedOct

Hey,

Must be a sad feeling with the aqua gone - I'd say for the aqua too. Its all about you now, which is no bad thing.

The aqua here is definitely unpredictable! We texted back and forth, then he asked about meeting up. Another couple of texts back and forth and I suggested the day - then...no reply! That was last week and I haven't messaged nor heard from him since. Maybe he has developed a sense of right/wrong and in moments of weakness wants to meet up, then realizes its a bad thing for him to do. I don't know - but either way, its not main agenda for me. Plenty of fights at work to keep me busy - but I won't get into that!

Are you gonna be checking in with this site still - or is that not conducive to moving on with your own stuff?




laskdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Have you heard from aqua yet?

Yes I will be checking in from time to time, but I won't have much to report unfortunately. I would still like to keep in touch and know what's going on. It seems like my situation has died down, while yours might be going back up!

jgipqe
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Definitely something strange going on with this site - posts are not appearing! I posted just over a week ago, so sorry if it looks like I disappeared on you.

How are you doing now? Has the aqua been in touch/or have you? As I said before, I think the next few months will sort out a lot for you, but I'd love to hear how you're doing now.

Work has been intense for the last few months, so, I made an impulsive decision to take a last-minute vaycay and literally left that night. It was a bit surreal to wake up to see a beach, as I hadn't had the time to think about it beforehand and kinda forgot I'd travelled!

So, for some reason, I missed the aqua all of a sudden. Probably because I was thinking about him while I was away. I sent a text when I got back, he was very happy I'd gotten in touch and we have arranged to meet in a few days. Also for reasons beyond me, I'm suddenly really looking forward to it. Before, I wasn't so pushed, especially since communications have been erratic & messy. It doesn't matter, thats past and my feelings for him never diminished, even though I wasn't so impressed with the silence/distance thing.

There is no guarantee that we will actually meet up, same shit might go down again! At the moment, I feel like its a clean sheet again and I just want to see him. He made a strange but sweet comment - I think he was referring to the distance and said "It feels like the first time again". At least thats what I assume. I'd be interested to see what it means, but I think I'll know when I see him without having to ask. Thats if he follows through this time!

I was surprised that my previous post didn't show up here - so sorry again if it looked like I 'pulled an aqua' on you.

Are you any more interested in going out yet, or still preferring to hole up at home (something I love doing!)? What are your thoughts on dating at the moment?

I hope you're doing well - let me know.

Take care,

Red


asdk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So how did things go with your aqua?...assuming that you have met up by now. I have a feeling he was happy to hear from you because maybe he got the sense that you were possibly not too excited or really cared to see him prior to.

I'm glad you've found the time to get away...must be nice. I've been so busy with school and trying to get all these applications in everywhere it's hard to focus on my studies and worry about those things as well.

I have heard from my aqua and he let me know how things were going over there. Funny that he seems a bit more open thru phone communication than he was while he was here. I do miss him, I can't lie about that part...especially more now because I'm so use to seeing him after a certain amount of time. I know the phase will pass though and I'll get adjusted to him not being around. I'm actually doing ok...emotionally I mean. I haven't gone out dating or anything like that...I can't really seem to find the time or the energy to. I've turned into this huge homebody which is not cute. I know it's just a mood that is for the moment...or something that will last a bit then I'll move on to something else.

What's going on with you?

ji'aji\
by: Red

Hey,

Good to hear from you. I know how missing the aqua feels - its frustrating knowing that the more affection there is, the greater the distance - and when all is said and done, it doesn't make any real sense. Preferring to stay home, potter around, watch TV, read, eat, work etc. is no bad thing - it allows you the time and space that you need right now, after how things were left.

I hope you don't mind my admitting this, but I feel exasperated at your aqua. He repeatedly said he doesn't want a relationship with you and yet he acts in the complete opposite way. Him being open, communicative, in regular contact with you and letting you know how he's doing etc. is behaving as though you guys are in a relationship. He knows that you wanted that with him, but told you to your face that he'd rather pursue his own goals and has things he'd rather do for himself instead. Now - he won't actually leave. The cruel part is that it gives you hope for you guys and, given that you miss him, it must feel so much better to for him to contact you than not - it lessens the pain of a break-up/missing him. Its like trying to do a hard detox, but still having chocolate cake. Its like the aqua wants you to be every bit as emotionally connected to him as before, because that suits him. But at the same time, its not reciprocated in the same way, and at any time he can always refer to the time he told you straight that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Your aqua seems in no way a bad guy - he just seems very emotionally immature. I know that you felt hurt when he said he didn't want to be in a relationship and it still hurts that he is not around. When that kind of hurt over a relationship is playing out, there is only 1 person in the world that can fix it - and that is him, the cause of the hurt in the first place. Detox & chocolate. Man, even writing this, I don't like what I'm saying -I'm aware that its not a 'nice read'. Your situation reminds me of the scorp. The guy pushed for a relationship, then said he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, then he simply would not go away. The whole thing dragged on for years with him maintaining my emotional ties to him through his behavior, while his ebbed & flowed alternately. That situation definitely explains my comments here. There was a time when we had broken up that I was actually grateful for the contact, as it seemed to (temporarily) make things feel easier.

Just please be very careful with yourself when it comes to hurt, confusion & comfort all coming from the same source.

continues...

un\n\uytfd
by: Red


I haven't seen the aqua yet, when we spoke last week, I suggested Friday, so don't have to work the next day. We both have echoes of the same thing happening with the aquas but I think the essential difference is that I'm not looking for (a normal kind of) relationship with him and don't really feel a NEED to know where we stand with each other. That just leaves me free to enjoy him for himself, still with work as my number 1 priority. When I hadn't seen him for 3 months and he sent a text apologizing that he hadn't been in contact, its like the same thing with your aqua - they want to know that you're still there for them, even if they are not there for you!

That said, I do have a funny sort of nervous & excited anticipation, but I feel that I know what I'm dealing with at this stage. I predict that exactly the same waves and cycles will play out regardless of how things go on Friday - IF indeed Friday even works out. Heres what will happen - we'll have a great time, great sex, then I'll be angsting to you for the next 3 months speculating on what the hell goes on in aquaheads! Maybe now, it just plain old suits me to have the distraction from work?!

They say that the number 1 way to change your emotional state is to “move your body”. A hard workout, change of environment, jumping up & down, running, walking, stretching, going out or even following some exercises on youtube. I think its the best advice ever. If you feel a bit sad, or are missing him, or are enjoying talking to him – whatever emotional effect he has on you (good or bad), if you try a new tactic & associate every single ‘aquatic’ with doing something physical, it will instantly help give you a sharp mental and emotional focus and ‘lightness’ to balance out the aquatics. It really does work and feel much better – regular floods of seratonin.

Well, thats my aqua-bashing, dictatorial ole post for now – please know that my comments are onside with you and made only with the best intentions. I’ll let you know how I get on with the aqua, as we’ll have to speak in the next couple of days to fix up time/place etc.

I'd be interested to see what you make of some of my comments about your aqua. Meantime, be well, you.
x

koj
by: Red

How are you doing? I wonder how you would have reacted to some of my comments in my last post. When all is said and done, only 2 people in a relationship really know how the dynamic is between them - so my comments are as an outsider and you'll know whether they are useful to you or not. Hope you're okay.

I want to talk to you about the aquatics here, but I'm even wondering if that is insensitive, given whats happening with you. What do you think?

You said before that you had a feeling I'd be shocked the next time I saw the aqua, and actually, you were dead right. Last night, we had both gone out for drinks early (separately) and met up later. When we met we had both had a few drinks, which is worth mentioning because of what happened next. We were delighted to see each other and straight away both voiced how happy we were to see one another, together with impossibly long hugs & holding. This is when the shock bit came - his opener was saying that he feels he has treated me badly by not being around, because what he really wants is to see me more, and see me more regularly. He said that he knows I am busy with work, so he was hesitant about asking, and also that he didn't know if I'd even want to see him more often. But it was obviously on his mind because he repeated a few times that he'd like to see me more and asked how I'd feel about that. I told him that I'd like that too, so we agreed that even though we are both busy with work stuff, we would make time to see each other more often. Actually he was very open & also surprised me by talking about how he felt about us 10 years before, and he remembered every detail of what I was wearing the first time we met - he remembered every detail of what we talked about on each occasion we met back then, and more revelations came out about things the scorp had done to sabotage things for us back then. We had a really lovely night and in the morning, he was still very 'close' and open, which was a first.

So... I don't know how things will go. Maybe he's freaked himself out again and nothing will change. Maybe things will go differently. Either way, I'm keeping a little caution and think that I should wait to hear from him to see if he does actually step up his contact. Sounds terrible of me, but I'll believe it when I see it!
Just as a point of interest, its taken him 2 years to ask if we can see each other more!

Well, thats the latest - I don't know why you said I'd likely get a shock when next I saw him, but you were right. man, when these aquas are 'present' they really are addictive, huh. And they seem to behave opposite to how they feel. I understand that the contact you have feels good and that there is still something between you guys - it certainly doesn't sound over, and he is actually coming back. But in both our cases, I feel there has to also be some kind of self-protection going on as well. I do hope you're doing okay, I know its tough on you.

x



askjow
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I don't mind at all of the comments or opinions you have regarding my situation with aqua. I actually appreciate it and it keeps me grounded from getting too caught up in him.

I too think it is unfair of how he acts and feels one way for me, but says something totally different. However, it's weird because I don't really care. I don't give it much thought...I guess because regardless of what he says I know how he really feels. I've also realized that I'm happy right now. I miss him and all, but I don't feel I need him in the way I thought I did. This doesn't discount the fact that I do care about him because I do, but I'm happy to have him as my friend because over the time that I've known him we've developed a real friendship....not just a romantic relationship.

I don't want you to think that I'm just settling for what he's giving me because I'm not. But since he's gone, I miss him as my friend more than a romatic partner. I miss him because I feel a person that I would talk to about things is no longer here to talk to. However, I'm not dying of his absence...but he is thought of. Does this make sense??

Before he left, he mentioned numerous times that we should should keep in contact...so I feel it's something he thinks is important. Also, when we did talk the one time since he's been away, he stated that me being bored (because I told him I was) was a good thing because "no change can be good." I think you can read between the lines with that one.

Anyway, right now I'm happy with how things are. I don't want anything more from him than what he is to me. I did before, but living in the present...I don't. I also keep my options open to others. There's a boy at my school that has caught my eye but I couldn't dare approach him because I have no excuse to really because he's in none of my classes and yes I know I can make one up!

On to you...I'm glad you had a great time with your aqua. I can't explain why I felt you were going to be surprised...it was just a feeling I got. I also have a feeling that although he said he wanted to spend more time, etc. that he will still want to see that you feel the same and that will be thru your actions as well. And I'm sure that it's something you're gonna wanna see from him before you feel you can make those moves that he's waiting to see. Very push and pull. At least he was able to see the possible effect of his absence, hence the apology. I think he'll be true to his word if he sees you're true to yours as well. Have you guys made plans to see each other again soon? I also wonder what his definition of seeing each other "more often" means. I guess we'll see.

js kelel
by: Red

Hey,

I was thinking about the comments we have both made about the aquas treating us in an "unfair" way. I was wondering if they see it that way in their own ponderings. If they KNEW that we felt we were being treated "unfairly", how would they feel about that - good/bad/ or indifferent? I think they would hate to think of us as suffering at their hands in any way. Bottom line, those dudes like us. If they didn't, we'd know.

I'm in a slight aquatic spin again, I can't help thinking about how things went the other day. Still quite shocked too - I mean, outta nowhere and all that distance, he suddenly had no hesitation about bursting out how he feels about me and was pretty raw and honest about it - he basically threw at me all the things I think about him and how I feel about our dynamic. If I could have given him a list of ideal things to say, he said it all – and some. There was a point where I felt he was forcing himself to hold back on even saying .... well you know – but I think he really wanted to say it! That conversation felt like it put things on another level between us and we both felt that we absolutely had to be together that night. The thing I'm wondering now is whether things will actually be any different going forward. Given that the last time I saw him was when he came over 2 nights in a row and wanted to be close again ...followed by a 4-month absence, you might understand how unsure I feel about things this time. I’d hate for another long absence just because he’s freaked himself out again! How do you think I should play it? I know you’ve said that I need to show some willing myself, but should I wait to hear from him first? How long should I leave it if we’ve agreed to see each other more often? And what does "more often" even mean to an aqua?!

I understand completely where you’re coming from in relation to your aqua. When you say “I miss him and all, but I don't feel I need him in the way I thought I did” - I get that. Bottom line is that he is not there, and you guys have not run the course yet, so it is important to you both to keep in contact while he is away. You can still talk to him about the stuff you want, and I think he’d be glad of it. However, “no change can be good” – not sure about that one! It reads like an inert ‘head in the sand’ kind of comment, but `i’m not sure if I understood the context??

The boy you have your eye on sounds interesting!! Walk right by him, and as you’re just going past, discreetly fling a book (hard) directly at his ankles – you’ll know what to do after that! And hey, it puts you on speaking terms thereafter! Let me know how that goes!

Ok its late – sorry for the aqua-angsting, us Scorps are sometimes no better with over-thinking and analyzing than the aquas! But I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle things going forward now.

skl
by: Anonymous

Hey..

So how are things going? Any new developments?

In regards to the comment my aqua made about "no change," I think you're misunderstanding the context in which he said it. He had asked how I was doing and I replied, "Same shit different day, you know...boring." Which is when he stated, "No change can be good." I think he meant it in a way in which he would prefer my life not change much...if you get what I mean.

Anyway, I'm not sure how things are between me and him. I was out drinking at a club with some friends, met a lot of new people and got totally drunk. I unfortunately drunk text him and pretty much said some inappropriate things. I don't even know why I said the things I said and it was completely exaggerated. I know people say that alcohol reveals the truth, but I always say that alcohol exaggerates the truth. I got completely emotional and totally lost my shit with him...again I don't know why. I told him that he needs to do him, and I'm going to do me. He stated that it doesn't have to be that way. I asked wtf he expects me to do when other guys hit on me, and that's pretty much when the convo ended. He never responded back to me after that.

I text him today to apologize and I'm completely embarrassed. I haven't and will not reread what was said out of shear mortification of how I can kind of remember the convo going. He didn't respond...and I didn't expect him to. Oh well...

I'm not exactly sure how you should play things out with your aqua. I know I said that you should also take the initiative, as this is something that was both agreed upon. However, I feel that he needs to at least make the first move since the last meet up. Although, I'm wondering that since he was the one to bring it up and talk about it, if he wants you to now make a move. Have you spoken with him since? If you don't want to put yourself out there too much, but yet want to keep true to your word...you could just say hi to him, but then let him do the pursuing in terms of meeting up with each other again.

o:IT4
by: Red

Hey,

Man, I totally feel your mortification over the drunken texts, I really do. We've all done that and felt it - you're not the first, and you won't be the last. The real truth of the matter is that you haven't done anything wrong and you haven't actually done any damage, even if you find that hard to believe. I'm saying that knowing EXACTLY the kind of drunken texting you mean. Two years ago, I did the same thing with the aqua and the mortification I felt when I woke up the next morning was all-consumingly absolute. Three dreadful weeks of silence later, the aqua was as nice as pie and later, told me that he was glad I bought it up. I made it a much bigger deal in my own head than was necessary, but that always goes with the territory of sending drunken texts!

The reason why you need to be very kind to yourself about it is this: Despite acting cool, calm, patient, understanding & brave, and you've had a LOT hurt and confusion built & bottled up over the whole aquatic thing – SHIT LOADS in fact. And a person can only take so much. Add enough alcohol to the mix and you finally get to release the pressure valve - and who the fuck can blame you for that? Nobody, not even yourself. Other people might routinely do it via shouting, screaming and arguing, but either way, that stuff needs to come out, as you can only bottle-up for so long. You haven't done a goddam thing wrong here, so please be very kind and understanding to yourself about it. Replace the mortification for understanding.

Now get out of your own head and consider this - your aqua – the one who repeatedly said he doesn’t want a relationship with you - gets late-night texts with the impression that you’re out late, drinking loads and surrounded by boys hitting on you. He probably he felt hurt, panicked and very helpless to do anything about it - and had some juicy mental images to torture himself with. It is very understandable that he didn't respond. What exactly can he say? He did this to himself and doesn’t really have a leg to stand on. I don’t think it will do him a great amount of harm and should give him something else to think about other than trying to encourage you to play by his rules, change nothing about your life and ‘hang on’ waiting to see if he changes his mind about wanting to be your man. You’ve probably forced an issue that you wouldn’t have dreamt of if you had been your usual stoic self. This may be a good thing once you both get past the immediate. I promise, you will hear from him, but he'll need time to get his head straight. Its not over and you have not blown the relationship. He’s just been blasted out of his comfort zone with you.


continues....










jp'qe45t
by: Red

Your comment ("I asked wtf he expects me to do when other guys hit on me") reads pretty clearly like you're angry and frustrated that he's not around and that you want it to be HIM that hits on you, not other guys. Theres nothing in that that reads like you want any other guy but him. He will end up seeing that, he just needs to 'process' it past the drama & see the 'message' of what you were communicating and examine his own part in how this is unfolding.

_____________________________

I was also wondering how much alcohol played a part with my aquatics last week. We had both been out drinking before we met up and he definitely had a few on him when he talked to me the way he did. You gave me some brilliant advice last time and told me to not start acting in a new way because of new information. I think I'm gonna use your same advice again. He's heading your way for work reasons all next week and back here the week after. So, I was thinking I might call him the end of the week when he's back - or even the week after. My guess is that between being work busy and generally aquatic, he'll appreciate the time. Or...I might leave it to him to contact me, which I still feel he should do first this time! Either way, your advice was really sound and I'm applying that first.


Aside from aquatics, you also have other constant pressures and demands on you with school, never mind keeping your head straight doing that while trying to deal with the hurt & stress of a vague break-up/not break-up thing. So... the texting is honestly not as bad as it feels. You have had a lot to be frustrated and pent-up about - and as I said, you have to be kind and understanding to yourself about letting off the steam (which had to happen at some stage) and not beat yourself up about it - you've been through enough already.
xx

KL;J
by: Anonymous

Oh - and thanks for taking the time to address my aqua issues - its really kind of you to give that any consideration after the way you must have been feeling writing your post. Appreciate it!

x

asdjh
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I know what you're saying. I'm not too embarrassed by it all now that I'm over the whole shock of it. I just hate being so vulnerable and I don't like showing emotion too much either...so for me to do both was like WOW. I don't regret any of it though....it is what it is. I can tell you're not a big fan of him...and I don't blame you. Being on the outside looking in, I wouldn't be either...and I'm not even his biggest fan sometimes.

Anyway...I think your plan with your aqua seems pretty sound. Have you heard from him since the last meet? It's so confusing how things play out with him because you don't ever know if you can take his signs as an invitation to be more open. Does that make sense?

ioslefj
by: Red

Hey,

Just to explain - I don't dislike your aqua - its not true that I'm 'no fan' of him. I know he means a lot to you, but because I'm corresponding with you and got to see where you're at a lot, its more true to say I'm onside with you than "against" your aqua. Its true I think he is immature, but I never meant that as an insult - more an observation/comment on the way he has handled himself. I have been immature (still am in a few ways!) - it just means "not mature", not anything bad. Part of that means being able to handle the consequences of one's actions. There has also been a lot to commend him for before now, and equally, I think he's been giving you mixed messages. So, if it gets to a situation where you have other guys taking an interest in you after the aqua has said he doesn't want a relationship with you, I think he he has to take that on the chin, as part of the scenario he helped to set up. Its not the same as being anti your aqua. Apologies to you if my previous read like an aqua-bashing bitchfest, it wasn't meant that way.

After my last post I went out for the night with friends. Me & the aqua were texting back & forth, but at some point I lost my cellphone, so I don't know what his latest was - a shame, it was gonna be an interesting one! I didn't rush to replace the cell, because I was optimistic that it would be handed in at the club. Four days later, I think I should replace it now! He's away this week with work stuff, but back at the weekend. I should imagine he'll need to just calm down & recover for the weekend, so I'm not in a hurry to text him to meet up. I'll see what happens in the next couple of weeks. As I said before, your advice to not change my behavior makes sooo much sense. I just keep on forgetting that the guy is married!! Sounds so stupid, but it doesn't seem to figure in the time that we spend at all. So it is an effort to remember that whatever happens, he always leaves me and goes straight into facing the consequences of his actions, in a way that is specific to him, not me. The really crazy thing is that (as stated before), the better things are with us, the worse a situation that is. The whole situation needs calmness, patience and endless of time to play out, with no guarantees or certainty at any point.

Have you communicated with the aqua since the other day?

sadlj
by: Anonymous

Hey..

I know you're never being malicious or demeaning with your comments regarding him or my situation and I don't want you to think I was thinking that or that I'm taking it that way. I just can tell you're not impressed with him at the moment and I really can't blame you for that. No need to explain...

I haven't spoken with him since the whole incident...I'm not sure how long it'll take for him to reach out to me. I don't know why, but today I had the urge to just let him know that he was right in everything he said with regards to why he felt he couldn't do a relationship, being that he leaves for months at a time. I wanted to tell him that I think we're better off as friends because I realized with his absence that me and him aren't a possibility. I wanted to tell him that I saw potential in us, but he is right, it's just not going to work. I want to wish him well with whatever his goals are, and I want to give him an explanation only because I feel he deserves one. I don't want him to wonder if he did something wrong or that I perhaps did find someone else by not providing a reason for whatever changed behavior he might see from me. I couldn't just leave him hanging like that.

Of course, I don't know how appropriate this is or if it's just how I feel right now. I know that if it's something that I speak on, I can't turn around and change it. I want to give myself some time because it might be because I'm just extra emotional right now...I think I might be hormonal at the moment. I hate getting these waves of emotion. During a certain time period, I feel fine and am really happy....then I turn into a emotional ball of shit. Maybe I'm bipolar or something....? Either way, I get confused about how I really feel...am I ok or do I need to make adjustments for myself. It's such a seesaw.

Have you gotten a phone yet? I'm sure your aqua was wondering wth happened to you. But it's ok I suppose, since he's getting a taste of his own medicine...he might have been thinking that too! I'm glad you guys got to communicating since the last meet. I'm sure you guys will both be trying to meet up soon. Just be the person that you have been without all the extras...although it's ok if they slip out every so often. I think that's what keeps the aquas intrigued with us...because we keep it just as cool as they do.

as;sldeoe
by: Red

Hey,

Its a bit tough at the moment, huh? I'm still too mortified to repeat my inappropriate texting, but I wanted to text him to apologize, to convey my embarrassment and generally try to mitigate my actions. I composed all sorts of texts, but in the end, I didn't send anything. I just thought to myself 'You've done enough, just leave the poor bastard alone now!!" I know that need to send an explanation or something just to make things right again, and it was a horrible time, and I was kicking myself for being out of control like that. In fact, nothing had really happened by then, and I thought I'd blown it before it had even started. Its a lonely feeling.

Now that 2 years have passed since then, I'd say this: I'm really glad I didn't follow up with another text, because ultimately, my only motivation was making MYSELF feel better. The best thing that could have happened was for a bit of time to pass. For both of you, the intensity of it will fade with a few weeks, which is a better time to communicate than straight on the back of it. If you were asking my advice (which I know you're not!), I'd say NOT to text him talking about whether you think he was right not to want a relationship, and that it wouldn't work anyway etc. That sounds like self-punishment to me - straight on the back of feeling shit about the nature of those texts. Almost like saying you don't deserve the relationship anyway - or hurting yourself for hurting him.

If you want to text him, it might serve you better not to introduce any 'new' issues for him to think about, but maybe sending a simple text like:

"Still feeling mortified & embarrassed. So sorry about those texts. Hope you'll understand."

That way, he'll know that you are feeling bad, but I'm sure he won't want you to feel that way, because he does care for you. Also, he should be prompted to try and "understand" (the word used in your text) and think about the reasons for it from your point of view. Something like that text is more of a 'healing' text that can help you both move past it. A simple text like that shouldn't get an immediate response, but I believe that he will come back positive in his own time. Meantime, time to be self-focussed and good to yourself.

CONTINUES...

lsletglo
by: Red

Listen, the emotional 'bi-polarity'?! I think you'll find that everyone falls into that category and is on that rollercoaster, not just you. Aquas have a way of going so detached on us, and we have the habit of analyzing every single thing and trying to work out what happened, what is happening and what will happen next. Feeling emotional or feeling ultra calm are both sides of the same normality. This texting business really does feel like shit, to the point of being actually upsetting. Allow yourself that.

No phone yet, I've accepted that it is definitely lost :o( I'll get on to that tomorrow. I suppose my plan with the aqua is exactly the same as my original plan. Make sure he has a perfect experience each time, confess nothing and let him to all the talking about his feelings. Even though there has been a big gap (and probably will be again each time), he says/does things each time that show how much closer and more comfortable he feels. Its a nice dynamic and man, do I like that guy so much! Still don't know where/how its gonna end up, but thats okay, I don't need to know today.

What do you think about sending just a simple text like the one I suggested? does it make sense? Be well, you.



akljsd
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I can see where you're getting at with the whole 'saving face' issue. I never thought about that, but I think I would rather say what I wanted to him to avoid hurt on my part. It may very well be self-sabatoge...but I feel that with the things I said I completely made myself vulnerable to him, more so than I ever have. Because of that, I feel I've also put myself in a position where I could now get hurt by him...on another level of hurt that I haven't yet experienced with him. I feel like, in order to relieve that anxiety that I feel...I'd rather just "break up" with him before he does me - almost in that elementary school kind of way. It's almost as if I'd rather hurt him before he hurts me.

I know that regardless I'd be sad, hurt, etc., especially by my own self-sabotage. However, let's be honest....it's a lot less painful than getting your heartbroken by someone you care deeply for. I'm just going to give myself some time and let things pass and try to be forgotten. Then I can see how I really feel. I don't want to write him again apologizing because I'd feel like I'd be picking at something that I just want to forget, and I'm sure he'd like to move past it as well.

I can't believe you've gone this long without a phone. I'd be dying without my phone!...it's my connection to the world, outside my computer. I wonder if he's tried to contact you since. I also can't believe it's been two years...I didn't realize that. I know it hasn't been two years since this thread started...but for you and him that's been a long while. I would be curious to see how this ends up.

mur e ar t
by: Red

Whats the difference for you between sending the kind of message you were talking about, versus doing nothing at all? I just get the impression that there is something reactionary about your planned course of action. Would you be thinking of doing that anyway - pre-texts, I mean? Are you hurting AND really clear about what you want here? Do you feel like you HAVE to do something? How would you feel about doing nothing at all?

I really believe that time solves it all, but actions lead to more consequences. Forgive me if this doesn't help, but I thought your post read like you put together "IF... + POTENTIALLY...+ POSSIBLY... + MAYBE..." and came up with a plan to end it & exit, just in case he does, and it hurts you. Thing is, you're clearly hurting anyway, and your plan won't make that go away, cos you guys are gonna end up speaking anyway. And i'm not entirely convinced that it is what you want, so much as something you feel will give you some respite from feeling shit about things.

Take more time, no? Or be sure to do the right thing by you, while not making the whole texting thing bigger in your speculations that it might be in reality. Remember that scorpios live through emotion and aquas analyze. Maybe give him an explanation when he asks for one, instead of assuming its all over and trying to break it off before he does. Do nothing - nothing at all.


Yeah, the phone thing is a bit nuts. I quite enjoyed being without it for a few days, but I have 2 phone lines at home and a record of all my numbers anyway because I lose phones on a regular basis.

Sorry if this post doesn't help, but if it slows you down by a few days, no harm either. I think you'll find you naturally feel better in the next couple of weeks anyway and less stressed about the aqua situation. You know you're equally capable of feeling more detached about things - these things go in cycles, same as for me. Wait it out!!

x




aslkdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I hear what you're saying. I'm just gonna keep focusing on me. I get sidetracked every now and then...forgetting that I should be doing what I need to do and end up thinking about him. I'm sure I'll get sidetracked again in the months to come...but I just need to remember to get back on track. I'm not going to mention anything to him about what I posted earlier. Even if I do come to the feelings of not wanting him that way in my life (if I ever do), there's no need to spell it out for him.

I did something I wasn't suppose to do, or shouldn't have done. I went on his facebook - mind you that we're not even friends on there, but he wasn't smart enough to make his profile private so I can read anything posted on his wall. Anyway, there's nothing too particular that stuck out to me, other than the fact he seems to be having an enormous amount of fun out there. Even though he's only there for some months, he went on to change his city and state of residence to where he's playing ball. I don't know why, but something about this struck a cord with me. It may sound really weird, but it made me feel so disconnected from him.

I know when I left for Hawaii that week in Dec., I rarely thought about him the way I would if I were here. I would get so completely sidetracked that the only time I had to think about him was while I had a moment to rest, usually before I fell asleep. However, I made sure to at least let him know I was still there...hence the text msgs I sent him. Anyway, the point I'm trying to get at is...I know how he's feeling right now and the last thing on his mind is 'home' and everything that's attached to it. Yea you think about things in passing, but if it's not there in front of you...it's hard to maintain that attention for it. I'm still here, in the same place me and him built whatever memories we had together...which is why it's so much easier for him to cross my mind.

I'm not mad that he's having fun or that he's doing what he loves...I just don't feel a part of it is all. I think I needed to see this. It made things a little clearer for me and what I need to do. It's only been a little over a month since he's been gone...there's still so much more time to go, and I just....I don't see how things are going to work out. I know that things were never meant to work out between me and him...and you've tried to get me to see that repeatedly. It's just so hard when your feelings pull you in another direction.

Anyway, I spoke with a friend of mine from New York and he wants to come out here and visit me. We had a little thing between us before and dated for a while, managed to stay friends. I'm not sure when he's coming or if it'll really happen, but it would be nice to see him. We'll see.

Did you get your phone yet?

s36bq1b
by: Red


Got my new phone and was pleased that the 1st text that beeped through was from last Saturday night when I was texting with the aqua. I'm amazed it came thru after a week, but it was a sweet message and I was pleased to get it. He's back from his trip tomorrow, so I'm gonna leave it to him to contact me of he wants. I'd be surprised if I didn't hear from him. I'd be surprised if I DID hear from him! So I'll leave it out there and let you know what happens.


I think its pretty normal to have these aquas on our minds so much that it is distracting to other things. Not proud of it, but its that way for me!

The facebook thing is interesting - the scorp did the same thing and listed his city as a place he only visited for 4 days! It made me wonder if it was part of the psyche of an adoptee when you mentioned it - like not feeling that they 'belong' somewhere.

Might be useful to go back to basics and consider the basic traits of an aquarius man. They 'live in the moment', love space & distance to think long and hard about things, especially emotional issues, which don't come naturally to them. They are dreamers who are regularly preoccupied with dreams, ambitions & plans, and they are the worst sign for dragging their feet in relationships. They are more comfortable in crowds and as part of a team than 1 on 1, even though they have a way of making people feel really special 1 on 1. They like distance, but curiosity & need for reassurance get the better of them and they always come back when left alone 'too long'.

I think its a good plan to focus on yourself and the things & people who are in it today. If you go quiet on the aqua, he will get back to you at some point - its just the way they operate, the curiosity & need for reassurance will compel him. It might take him a couple of months or more, but when he does get in contact, I hope he finds the person he fell for in the first place - your normal cool self. Its important to find your normal self by doing all the things you would normally have enjoyed pre-aqua, because thats what attracted the aqua in the first place. This break between you, and the whole texting thing will probably serve you very well in the mid-term. First get yourself back, then when you two are in proximity again, he'll already know WHAT you want - having had the time and space to ‘get it’. And you'll definitely know how you are with it all by then, having gotten back to 'you'.

I know the emotional times when I can't stop thinking about the aqua. But its doesn't feel right to be that way, and calmness always comes around afterwards. It is usually after he goes that he's on my mind all day, week or longer. When the distance gets to a month or more, I naturally reassess it.

Stuff has happened with you guys lately that has thrown out your balance of things, so no wonder it is on your mind so much and sidetracking you ! You're one of the coolest people you know - get back to that, quick as you can!!!

Redx


askj
by: Anonymous

Hey..

Glad to hear you finally got a phone...and also that the text came thru from your aqua. I'm actually quite impressed that the message come thru and didn't get lost out there. I hate having to wonder what people said when I don't get their texts.

You're right about the whole aqua issue. I'm starting to get into my calm phase, which is good. I also think my hormones were going a little crazy because it's about that time of the month and I can always tell when I'm going a little off my rocker. I try not to think about me and him too much or what is going to happen between us. I'm keeping focused on here and now....although thoughts of him do creep in to say hi. Thanks for all the calming advice. It put me right where I needed to be.

On another note, I just got off the phone with my friend from NY and he had some interesting things to say. We use to talk about two years ago and managed to stay friends and have this weird connection between us. Anyway, he started talking about all these feelings for me and how he feels about me...how he feels he has this connection with me...so on and so on. He felt that he wanted to see me again before things "change" between us. I asked what he meant by that, and he stated that he remembered a time I told him recently that I was ready to settle down...I guess it struck a cord with him. It's weird because it's not like anything serious could ever happen between us because he's there, I'm here and I'm definitely not willing to relocate and neither is he...but he feels some sort of need to see me again. I don't get it....don't really care to either. I didn't really know what to say other than I cared for him and I acknowledged the connection that we had. I just don't feel that way towards him, you know? He's a great looking guy, articulate, intelligent, but whatever we had was in the past and I don't feel that romance with him. Anyway...he's weird.

Also, I had some new neighbors move in downstairs, and let me say...I kind of miss my old neighbor! I honestly didn't realize how quiet of a neighbor he was until these fools moved in. You can literally hear everything...I didn't realize how thin these walls are! I actually get why my neighbor was so upset before. Oh well...

l;a;fjep
by: Red

Hey,

I'm glad to hear that you're starting to feel a bit better. I think that we've both gone through enough aquatics to know that it comes in waves - calmness & turmoil - but one always replaces the other. I think that the big factor missing from each of our situations is the reassurance we need in these situations. If there was a certain level of certainty & reassurance, then the crazy spells wouldn't manifest. The fact has always been that we don't know what the hell is going on with the aquas or where we stand, because they say one thing and act another way. And because we really care about these guys, it plays on our mind a lot because it keeps something missing from us that we need. Its not really our fault! But we do revert to type and find a way around things.

Your NY friend sounds like he's saying all the right things, but its all coming from the wrong guy! What do you mean "weird connection" and "he's weird"?! What do you think is on is mind in relation to you guys? (I mean, what do you think he really wants?)

I'd say your aqua is in emotional overload, doesn't know what to say or do because he is not physically there - so he's head in the sand about it. If its the case, he'll stay that way for a little while. While you're self-building, I hope you both converge at a point of better understanding. In fact, I'd bet that it will happen when the time feels mutually right. Try not to worry about it in the meantime.

I've friends over this weekend, so I won't be contacting the aqua to invite him over. It wasn't really my plan anyway, but I think I'll wait to hear from him this time. I'd like to see him follow through on wanting to see each other more, but take the initiative. My gut feeling is that he won't - for his own reasons. Its intriguing me rather than stressing me!

God, sorry to hear about the neighbors! Nightmare. I hope it doesn't disrupt your schoolwork. Complain to management? Earplugs? Box of mice under door?



aksj
by: Anonymous

Hey..

You are oh so right about how they make us feel. I'm still doing ok...but I still have pangs of WTF. My biggest complaint or concern is that I feel he is or has just totally forgotten about me. Since he's been away, we've only been in contact once (due to me)...besides my little slip up of drunk texting. I went back and read what the convo was about...and basically he stated that I was right for feeling how I felt, that he's a lot more personable when he's around...but since he's not and he's doing his football thing it's causing his distance. I told him that I will do me and he can do him. He said it didn't have to be that way and he didn't know what I wanted him to do. I told him nothing & that's when I brought up the whole "other men" statement. Silence after that.

That's where things are left at the moment. I just feel more distant from him than ever. I don't know how you managed to stay so calm and collected during your aquas 3 months of absence! It just feels so hurtful to feel so forgotten. All I keep thinking is...I feel this way when it's only been almost 2 months in since he's been away, but yet there's like 3 months to go! I hate the distance (emotional and physical) because it always makes me revert back to "moving on". You don't know where you stand (like you said)...so what other choice do you have but to pick yourself up and just move on when you're getting absolutely no response or reassurance?

In terms on my NY friend...I have no idea what his intentions are and I don't care enough to really ask or try to reason it out. Yea we have a great connection, but that's all it is...doesn't mean it's suppose to be anything more than the friendship we have. The more I speak with him, the more I realize I'm not attracted to him in the way I use to be (romantically). He's kind of exhausting. No doubt he's intellectual, but I hate ALWAYS having to debate with him about topics that are so benign. He likes to play devil's advocate a lot and he's so damn argumentative...but I can't ALWAYS (literally ALWAYS) have a convo with someone that turns into a debate.

I wouldn't dare go rat my neighbors out to my office manager because I hated when it was done to me. I guess I'll just have to bear it. I'm getting good at tuning things out.

How are things on your end? Thanks for letting me vent!

qpgu]
by: Red

Hey,

You know what, it was 4 months in total that I didn't see the aqua. It was definitely a hard time, because of how things were just so perfect the previous (and each) time we've seen each other. I just didn't understand it at all ! I ranted through my crazy period on here trying to figure it out, was getting a bit distracted from work, then eventually calmed down a lot, but never completely! Tough stuff dealing with these aquas. The only way is to do what they do - and thats get fully into your own stuff - work, seeing friends, socializing etc. I'm learning more and more that we just have to disappear into our own stuff and get distracted by that to minimize the impact of the aquatics. Do we have a choice? The more time we sit around dwelling on it, the more stressful it is. The more we do other stuff, the less 'forefront' their absences are. Thats the logic, but the reality is still that it is hard going.

As an aquarius male, you can appreciate your aqua's logic. As an aqua, he probably thinks he can only 'be' with you when he is actually with you. It could explain the difference between how he is when he is both with you, and away from you. Explains my aquatics a bit too. So, it comes back to us again. You have definitely not been forgotten, but you also cannot let this guy wreck you or your own normal vibe. You have to be the vibrant cool thing that you are and not 'lose yourself' in the aquatics. Repeat - don't lose yourself in it!

I'm a hypocrite. I'm in love with this damn aqua. Its a slow burn, but its definitely there, I'm pretty sure its reciprocated & I have no idea how its gonna work out. Well, I suppose I have a fair idea that it won't work out well for me, but I also know I'm tough enough to take the ride. I don't expect that he has any answers either, but I like the idea of just 100% enjoying each other when we see each other without trying to introduce any complications. But you have to remember that I'm older than you and very ambitious in business and not looking to settle into a relationship, have a family etc. Different priorities for me. That all said, I have a feeling I won't be hearing from the aqua for another couple of months, despite what he said about wanting to see each other more often. I'm already in - he needs to come back to it. You think thats crazy?




alkjd
by: Anonymous

Hey...

No I don't think you're crazy for wanting him back around. I actually think it's normal. I wonder why you get the feeling you won't see him for a while again? I've also wondered if maybe he wants you to put in a little chase...it kind of reads that way. But again, we as scorps love to be chased as well. That's why I've always thought scorps and aquas are soo much alike but in different ways. We're both emotional as hell, but we hide it. We don't like to express our emotions openly, and when we do it's expressed differently. We're both loyal but prideful as all hell. Thanks to the aqua best friend that I had, I really got to get into the mind of aquas and they're no different from us.

I've been doing ok...still a little confused. I've decided to just go about my life as I previously planned. I know this will lead me to where I need to be regardless of what happens with me and him. I heard from my old aqua friend the other day. I was actually quite surprised because when I went to Hawaii, I let him know I was in town and if he had time we should meet up. However, he didn't seem interested and we never did see each other. I was a little hurt, but not so much where I gave it a second thought. I found out before I went out there that him and his gf broke up. I have no idea what the details are though.

Anyway....I hope you're getting along well and enjoyed your weekend!

oslslsl
by: Red

Hey,

Why do I think I won't hear from the aqua for another couple of months? Well, when the aqua was last here, he was very open about telling me his feelings about me. I could tell that he was dying to go all the way with it, but did hold himself back. I did the same and it was all very 'close'. We talked for quite a while about that, the past - he really does remember every word, every outfit and detail from before. That was when he started talking about wanting to seeing to see me more. He was very sweet about it and was asking if I wanted the same. We stayed up really late and then stayed in bed until early evening the next day. So, my guess is all that is enough to have freaked him out. I think he came very close to telling me he loves me - so thats a lot for him to go off and get his aqua head around - hence anticipating a lot of distance coming up - same as before.

Do aquas like to be chased? My (new) plan is to do nothing at all, same as you. I'm just gonna leave it to him to contact me in whatever timeframe he likes. And I'm interested to see how long that takes! Isn't it crazy that whether things are good or unsettled with the aquas, the result is the same - silence for ages! Nutjobs!

You had an old aqua stashed in Hawaii?! Were you seeing this guy before? Could you ask his opinion on the situation - as a fellow aqua male?

Does it help to know that in order for things to get back to proper communication with your aqua, there has to be silence/thinking time first? Its so unfathomable, I know, but its how they are - so we either choose to accept their quirks, or choose not to. Meantime, get really strong and sure of yourself.


asijl
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I can see why you feel your aqua is gonna go all silent on you again. It seems like his pattern, but it's all rather silly though. I hope things don't turn out that way and eventually that pattern of disappearing will break eventually. But then again...given his circumstances, it's understandable. I've gotten mixed responses regarding aquas liking to be chased and then liking those who are "unavailable." I've heard a lot of stories of aquas explaining how they'll like someone a whole lot, but once that person shows interest...they lose interest or run. I just roll my eyes when I hear this because it's so immature and petty. It's more of a classic sign of someone who has commitment issues, rather than it being "aqua." That routine gets old.

The aqua I was referring to in HI is the same aqua that I spoke of before on here. How we were friends, but he had something more in mind, etc. He is definitely not someone I could speak to about my issues with men, and I don't know if I would feel comfortable doing that because I haven't spoken with him in so long. It would be weird.

I have decided to not let my friend from NY come visit me. I don't feel it's conducive to anything, or where I want to go in my life. He seems like he's going thru a quarter-life crisis or something and needs a break...which is fine. I don't mind being there for him as a friend and even maybe allowing him to come here and take a break. However, I know that's not what the trip will be entirely about for him. I haven't told him yet, but I'm going to let him know that we're friends and I have no interest in maintaining anything more than that.

I can't particularly explain how I'm feeling right now. Have you ever just felt you were going thru a transition period in your life? I know that us scorps are notorious for transformations...but I wonder if it's something you're aware of.

In terms of my aqua...I can't tell you how I feel about that either. Although...I do have one foot out the door. I know you've probably heard me say this before or something similar...but my mind frame right now just feels different. It's almost like the feeling of drive mixed with uncertainty. The only way I can really explain it is by saying I can't get what I want in life by hanging on to things that serve as a barrier. I'm speaking in terms of the aqua and my friend from NY...and even my old aqua friend. Here...I have all these past relationships or relationships that didn't end up giving me the intimacy I wanted. But yet, these relationships are still around. I feel like I can't open the door I really want to go thru without closing all these other doors...does that make sense??

It's just really hard to explain...

alskj
by: Anonymous

I really don't know how you were able to stay cool during all that time. Yea you came on here to "vent" but you always were calm and held that man to high standards.

I go back and forth constantly. Trying to convince myself of one thing....or trying to hold on to a feeling that I know is best for the situation but also feeling something entirely different.

I'm just really pissed and hurt that he has not made an initiative to reach out to me while he's been away. To me....it's inexcusable. Especially since HE was the one who was adamant about keeping in touch. But now he's acting as if I'm totally forgotten. I feel like he's trying to hint something to me. I also feel like the connection between us is lost. Did you ever get that feeling during your aquas disappearance. Idk...I just don't know how I'm suppose to feel.

The feeling I was trying to describe earlier is being in a gray area...and you know scorps don't do gray areas. Things are either black or white for us. I'm seriously in a gray area because I really mean I have one foot out the door. Anything can pull me in either direction. I refuse to contact him as well. I already apologized and I'm not going to kiss his ass either....in all honesty I don't even think he's mad. He's being silent for another reason. Ugh...let me get out of here.

lahjeoreh
by: Red

Hey,

I think your main problem is that this is a really really hard situation, and its taking its toll on you just the way it should. There is nothing wrong with you except waves of stressful, heart-breaking, hurtful, confusing shit, all sustained over a while now. And you're not made of rock. Your feelings are responses are very much in keeping with taking a massive negative battering by how things have been working out for the last few months. We both have a tough scorpio shell, but man, there has been non-stop wave after wave of hurt & stresses associated with a subject that is fundamentally close to your heart.

Look at what has happened - you are ready to have a close loving relationship, and, against your self-protective nature, you let a guy in. You (again, against your self-protection instincts) - got close, intimate , comfortable, confiding and made yourself vulnerable because it felt like the right things to do. You've been kinda left out in the cold as a result. Does that hurt? Betcha is does - and so it should do, its been one of the hardest of situations. Distracted - yes. Confused - yes. Feeling betrayed - yes. Stressed - yes. If you look realistically at whats happened with you, and don't try and minimize or excuse it - then you'll see why you're feeling as you do. And I'm sorry, because I do know how shitty, numbing and hurtful it is. Don't underestimate any of what you've been through over the last few months, and you'll understand better how you're feeling now.

With my aqua, I smiled to myself when you said "I really don't know how you were able to stay cool during all that time. Yea you came on here to "vent" but you always were calm and held that man to high standards."

I'm older than you and so my priorities and outlooks are different. Plus the aqua is married - so there are natural reasons why I'm not imagining a future with him, in the traditional sense. Its almost like a fulfillment of the past in some ways. In the same way as people look to the future together and imagine how its going to be together, I think our story is looking into the past and working through what might have been, and how it should have played out back then. Except that it is being played out in the present and neither of us are really acknowledging that. Its hard to describe. The difficulty is that the feelings I have for him (and I'm pretty sure its mutual) are like an ugly crash into the cold light of today - ie. unworkable now, but it would have been great back then. Its a hard one to deal with.

When you say "anything can pull me in either direction" - its not surprising. If the aqua lets you know that things are gonna be okay, then it helps take away a lot of the hurt instantly. One foot may be out the door, but there is also 1 foot inside the door too. The foot out the door is the part of you considering 'starting over' and leaving the aqua behind. Both stressful 'halves' of the equation.

continues...


;saldrlo
by: Red

So look, if you feel all over the place and unsure and numb - just tell yourself that you are supposed to be feeling that after everything that has happened. But also remind yourself that you won't stay feeling that way - it is going to be replaced by you feeling better and back in control. No emotional state is sustainable, good or bad - it always changes.

I should have said that the reason I smiled to myself about your comment is that I really didn't feel calm over the aqua - quite the opposite!

Go through what you need to go through - and then you'll come out of it in your own time. The good news is that you won't go through the same thing again, because these things do actually contribute to making you stronger. I'll be here for you whatever/whenever you want to vent.

Take care

XRed


kl;\VFR
by: Red

Hey,

I hope you're doing okay there.

I thought I'd post to update you, because there have been some pretty significant developments with the aqua. Very surprisingly, he phoned me yesterday afternoon and asked if I was around to meet for a drink. I was surprised for 2 reasons - first that I had fully expected him to just go off and disappear for months - not call me so soon. Second, because he was calling from abroad and due to fly back the same evening after a work thing - even more unlikely timing. The text he sent just before I lost my phone – and yesterday changed to being more affectionate since he last time he was here. So anyway, he arrived straight from the airport & it was great to see him - again the 'very close' vibe was there. He was again really open about how he feels about me and....finally told me he loves me. I would have expected to be shocked, but it was quite easy & natural. I reciprocated - it all felt right. Then he said that he thinks about me all the time, regardless of what he is supposed to be doing - and I told him that I thought about him lots too. He talked about it some more & was then pretty emphatic about how much he thinks about me all the time – so I reciprocated again. There was a small part of me that couldn't quite believe what I was hearing - but as I said, it all felt right. I was a surprised because he then asked "what are we going to do about this?" So I said that I'd like it if we could see each other more - he agreed.

So then I asked him if any if what he was saying freaked him out even a little. He said absolutely not. I said that I assumed that because he has previously been a little distant and preoccupied when he leaves after a night together that I thought he was a bit freaked by our dynamic. He said not at all - he is like that because he feels grumpy because he is annoyed that he has to leave and really doesn't want to. (All of this was pretty WOW stuff to my ears! I couldn't quite believe that it was happening!) I told him that I miss him the night after he has stayed over. Immediately, he offered to come back the next night too. He said again that we should see each other more often and that I should start going see him at his place too.

continues (in the most shocking way..)

jkl'avkp]
by: Red


That shocked me - because he is obviously married. He has always worn his wedding ring, and never misrepresented himself in that regard. Any video of his on Youtube/pictures of him doing his thing over the years clearly shows his wedding ring. Then... I suddenly noticed that his wedding ring was no longer there. I didn't ask about it, but I really think that he has maybe 'changed his circumstances’. He didn't have his ring on, offered to come over again the following night and invited me over to his place (I've never been there before). Surely that can only all mean one thing - don't you think?! In a night of shocks, this was easily the biggest one. I didn’t ask & he didn’t tell. The next day, we stayed in bed until the afternoon and when he left, he kissed me goodbye as usual and went to the front door. Its usually at this point that he looks like he can’t get away quick enough. This time he turned around and came back to kiss me again and said he’ll be in touch soon. He also told me all of the work commitments he has between now and the end of May, but told me that he’d call me “soon”.
I’m pretty scocked typing all this, because the turnaround has been a complete 180. In terms of what an impossible idea of a perfect night with him would be – it all played out. Surreal - almost too much to take in! I’m so happy and excited about this aqua situation now. But at the same time, we know what we’re dealing with with the aqua personality, with silence & distance etc. So its an interesting position form what has just happened – and also what will happen next. Who knows?! I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. Am I all set for a big fall?

I know you’re still getting your head around things, so I did wonder if the nature of this gushy mushy post would affect you. I hope you’re okay.
XRed

wqljwe`
by: Anonymous

Hey hun...

I'm so happy for you!! It's been a long time coming though, I will say that. It looks as if you've played everything out to the best of your abilities and seem to have gotten the results you've wanted. I think your intuition lead you in the right direction. I'm not sure what to make of his marriage. Do you think maybe a 'separation' is going on? It also might explain the prolonged distance that just passed, perhaps he was taking care of some things.....?

I know what you mean about getting too excited too soon. The aquas notorious disappearances make you not ever want to get comfortable because you think that the moment you do....poof. However, I think in your case that as long as you see consistency, you can little by little let your guard down and enjoy him more without the anxiety that he might disappear again. I also think now, it wouldn't hurt to maybe put your foot forward and start initiating things again. It's so nice that you'll also be able to infiltrate his world as well, by going to his place and seeing what his surroundings are like. All in all, I think you've got great things coming.

You don't have to worry about me. Yes, I'm sad and confused, but I have to do what I know will make me happy with or without the aqua. With that said...I'm going to continue moving forward without him. If he decides to contact me...great, if not...I'm perfectly fine leaving things as they are. Regardless, I know that things will work out for me and I'll be fine.

I spoke with my NY friend and told him I didn't think it was a good idea for him to come see me. I stated that I don't see a point in carrying on with him in that manner because it's so pointless when he lives there and I live here. I told him that he has a life there, just like I do here and that we should focus on that. But that if he really needed a break from life, then he was more than welcome to visit me, just as friends only. He acted as if he got what I was saying, but at the same time didn't completely understand it. He got a little sarcastic and even a bit arrogant. I think he felt rejected (oh well). I told him that I would still be here for him if he ever needed anything or just wanted to talk, and his reply, "Whatever you say 'champ'" And my response.... *eye roll*. So that's that with him.

Again, I'm glad to hear things are working out for you. Make sure to keep me updated!

;'arjogap'
by: Red

Hey,

How you doing? Sad and confused is no picnic, I know - but remember that they don't get to stay. I do actually harbor some care & concern for you after all this time, so I don't like to hear it. I read some really brilliant information on Sunday morning - it was my intention to forward it to you. I'll do that tomorrow and see what you make of it. Its quite an eye-opener & I'd be interested to see what you make of it. Its an explanation of WHY women go through the rollercoaster of hurt, confusion etc. in relationships and what is really happening with men when they go distant. When I read it, a lot of things made sense and it instantly had a good effect.

I know I described some pretty mushy stuff, but I'm still not going to do anything differently - as you previously advised. I want to see the consistency you mentioned - good advice again from you. Distance & silence at the most unexpected times are still in the equation because of the nature of aquas. Funny, the overall effect after the other night is the most genuine calmness I've had since indulging in aquatics. Unexpected reaction altogether, but I suppose it makes sense.

The NY guy - what is he hoping for? Is he still gonna come over for a break? Did you sleep with him before?! Is he looking to stay living in NY? Its an interesting distraction! Is there a missing detail here?!

Well, its pretty late here - so I'd better get gone. Will post up that article tomorrow. Take care!

XRed





;qrg[p
by: Anonymous

Grrr - still looking for that article - leave it with me - I will post it up. Might possibly be tomorrow.

Take care,

Red

asklj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

No worries if you can't find the article. I know what you mean though...we've been on here a long while communicating back and forth. It's quite funny that you know more intimate details regarding my aqua than any of my friends do. I don't even talk about him to my friends! How weird is that....?

Your plan seems pretty sound and fair given the nature of the aqua. Have you ever mentioned the disappearing acts to him before...like in a way that you're not pleased with it? I wonder how he would take that....

The NY friend...ugh. Just some guy I dated a while back....like 2 or 3 years ago! Like I said, we've kept in touch all this time, even thru distance. I have no idea what his intentions are. I think he just likes having the option there....the option being me (or was me). He's the type of guy that loves adoration...and I mean absolutely bathes in it. He's a leo...so typical of a leo. Don't get me wrong...I don't want to speak of him like he's 'whatever' even though I feel that way towards him. I still consider him a friend...but my feelings stop there.

Well, hope things are good on your end! TTYL

lsldpsps
by: Red

Hey,

I meant to post the article I read - but instead went into poisonous barbecue hell. Undercooked chicken. I'm sure you know the rest - yuck. its late here and I've been keeping strange sleeping hours lately because of it - but I promise I'll get that article to you tomorrow!

I know what you mean about the level of detail of how we've been talking about the aquas goes - I haven't gone into anywhere near the kind of detail with my friends. Probably mostly because of embarrassment about how crazy i've been going over it all this time. Its pretty hard to explain it to someone who isn't going through it. The friend I'd talk to the most is the one whose marriage broke up because of his affair, so I'm pretty sensitive about that and choose not to say much about it.

I haven't heard from the aqua apart from texting him briefly last week. He was away a lot of last week & weekend with work, and away again most of the next week. The timing suits me, I've had food poisoning & so I'll be busy catching up with work this week and next. I'm thinking it would be awfully cruel of him to pull the same distance stuff after next week though. I think I need more time to know if things really have changed, rather than rely on the experience of the last time.

How are you doing there? It would be normal for the empty feeling to be there, but then there does creep in something else - little bits of distraction from the 'have to do' stuff of daily life. At some point, the balance shifts to more distraction, less 'empty'. I hope you're doing okay. Will definitely post that article up tomorrow!

Take care

x

asdklj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

It would be very cruel for your aqua to disappear again like he did before, but I don't think he will...not for that long at least. Idk why, but do you not get the sense that maybe he's waiting for you as well to make some initiative with him? I know that "keeping things as they are" is a good mantra to follow when it comes to aqua, but at some point the relationship needs to be driven forward a little and not stay stagnant, even if it takes some initiative on your part.

It brings me back to the distance he last pulled and how it took you to reach out to him (because you missed him) to finally set up a meet that worked, then he basically tells you how he feels. It makes me wonder how much longer he would have went with no contact if you hadn't reached out. Or maybe even how much sooner you could have seen each other if you had reached out. I know you both made an effort to keep in contact, but I think that little push was lacking on both your parts. Perhaps you both were waiting and wanting to see it from each other? I remember when I was speaking with my aqua before he made a comment about..."I think we don't communicate as much because you're waiting for me to contact you, and I'm waiting for you to contact me." It was so very true. But again, you know your situation better than I, but it was just a thought to see how things could be with a little more forward stepping.

'Empty' as you put it is spot on. I have my good days, then my bad days...but overall I can't complain because I'm still doing well. I know with time that things will work in my favor. I just need to continue moving forward and move on...it's something I feel I HAVE to do. My cousin asked if I had heard from him because she was with me when I was texting him this last time, and I stated no. She says..."that's not good." I wanted to slap her and be like "NO SHIT!" Way to state the obvious!

jlajv'aopafpv'A
by: Red

Hey,

Interesting comments there about who is waiting for who to make a move! As he is away for this period, I'm leaving well alone, which suits me at work as well. I still can't quite believe what has happened - it was all so nice, but then again, it was before as well. I'm still intrigued about the wife situation, but not so intrigued that I have a bunch of questions. By far the thing that makes the most sense is the advice you've given me about not changing my behavior when the situation seems changed - it makes so much sense!

So - that article. When I read it, I was thinking that you might find it interesting too. Its a response to a letter written by a woman - so I've pasted her letter here as well. The rest of this post is her words & his reply....


"Being in a long distance relationship has been very hard on me. Especially since I'm not a patient person.
We run into trouble when I'm feeling sad about not seeing him and call him up expecting him to make me feel better. I'm assuming that I shouldn't lean on him emotionally since he doesn't respond when I do. I know he's worth waiting for. I just don't want to drive him away :) I love him completely. I want this relationship to work!!!! Please give me any advice you can. Christine."

...



;PSL;S;S;S;S;S;
by: Anonymous

"You're acting like a helpless little girl. Stop it! You're better than how you're behaving, but in a sick kind of way, it's easier for you to keep on initiating the only real problem you spelled out here in your relationship-
How you make your man be the one responsible for you and your negative feelings.

A boyfriend is there for a lot of things in a relationship, but to make you feel good each time you get sad or down is NOT HIS JOB! It's NOT HIS JOB to save you from the feelings you have and make them go away.
That's called DEPENDENCY, and it leads both people to frustration and resenting each other in the long run.

Have you ever been with a man and had AMAZING chemistry... but then it started to unravel and fall apart when you became afraid he wasn't "feeling it for you" anymore? Which of course only made things worse as you acted out of fear and uncertainty about him, his feelings, and where things were headed.

The truth is, a man wants to be with a woman, and only her, because of the way she makes him FEEL when he's around her.


In case you don't see it, a man helping you to feel better and satisfy your emotional needs can actually make you a WEAKER PERSON. And not only that, it can keep you and a man and your relationship from ever being able to GROW. In fact, being emotionally dependent on another person can actually cause a good relationship to REGRESS.

Here's something you need to remember, but sometimes forget when you're inside an intense emotional situation with a man. Relationships are supposed to be about growth, and not about becoming dependent on someone else meeting your emotional needs at any time you want it.

It's a man's place in a relationship to be a good partner, to care for you, to listen, to be a great lover, to connect, to be loyal, and to share. I get than men need to "show up" more often in relationships. But when you DEMAND that a man meet your emotional needs and "lean" on him out of your own fears, frustrations, and uncertainty... these problems are ALL YOUR OWN."

.....

DLDLDLDLD
by: Anonymous


" First, for your own good, you need to figure out WHY you're "sad", as you mentioned in your email. And I mean why you're sad personally, because I think a lot of what's happening has nothing to do with the man in your life at all. Sure he makes mistakes and doesn't "get it". But, you can get past that. You need to address the CAUSE of your feelings, and not keep trying to find "quick-fixes" for the symptoms. Think about it, and see if there's anything else in your life and in the past that could be making you feel sad - and then take some positive steps around those.


Secondly, it's time to start acting like the smart, fun, mature, healthy woman that he knows and fell in love with. She's in there somewhere, and it's up to you to find her. Don't leave it up to him, because he might get tired of carrying the relationship's emotional tone for you. Here's a few ideas about how to do that...

I want you to stop acting SO SERIOUS all the time and getting yourself EMOTIONALLY WORKED UP. It sounds dumb, but please start smiling more. Your body has a strange and powerful ability to affect your emotions. Posture, breathing, activity and actual relaxation are other great ways to simply give yourself the gift of more positive emotions.

Ok, now back to your brain...You're escalating your own fears and frustrations and it's doing something that could turn into a real destructive force in your relationship: You're creating a negative feedback loop that just gets worse and worse as it goes.

Let's spell out what your feedback loop is so you can interrupt it and get to better things...
The more you feel sad, the more you give him sad and negative emotions. And, the more negative emotions he gets from you, the less he's able to stay happy and positive himself and have the energy and desire to draw you out of your girlish sadness and dependency on him for your feelings.
Which of course, only makes you feel more sad and helpless, so you turn to him more for help and around we go again. Don't let the NEGATIVE FEARS and EMOTIONS you have RUIN THE LOVE LIFE you could have."

...

RKRKRKRKDFKDF
by: Anonymous

"Learning to stop negative patterns in your life and relationships is a "must-have" skill if you want to have lasting and loving relationships. It's only natural to feel a little more "needy" or feel like your emotions are heightened all the time. But, the trick is not to let these feelings overwhelm you. If you do, they'll cause you to REACT negatively to normal and natural situations. When these negative reactions become common, they keep you from actually doing positive things that would make him feel MORE ATTRACTED and CONNECTED to you. And so the negative feedback loop continues.


I'll bet that your relationship sometimes feels like just a lot of "work" and sadness to you. And you know in the back of your mind that your man feels the same way and sees what's happening. He's not stupid. NOBODY wants their life or relationship to feel like it's just a bunch of work. And, a healthy minded person will only stay around so long in a situation that just doesn't work and isn't going to change.
Especially if they're trying to resolve a problem or feeling that isn't really their own.


The sad feelings that you depend on your guy to fix create this situation in the worst way. In fact, as much as it sucks to hear, I've got to tell you that one reason it might be getting harder for your man to "pull you out" of your sadness is that he's FEELING LESS ATTRACTED to you. And with a man, LESS ATTRACTION leads to LESS EMOTIONAL CONNECTION and less emotional generosity. Following me here? I know it sucks, and I might be a jerk in your mind for saying it.

There's something you're not doing that you're going to HAVE TO DO to stay sane and make it through this with your man...You have to make A CONSCIOUS CHOICE about your feelings and your situation. If you don't, you'll keep missing or killing all the opportunities for CONNECTION and FUN that still need to be going on between you two. You see, the goal isn't to keep yourself from having sad or negative feelings.
That would be impossible and "inhuman." Reality just doesn't work that way, no matter how great your relationship is. Instead, the goal is to get to a place where you can begin to observe how you're feeling and then make conscious decisions using BOTH your emotions and your intellect.
"

HTHTHTHTHTH
by: Anonymous

"
When you get involved in a relationship, especially a long-term relationship, you're CHOOSING to make some very important TRADE-OFFS. Every once in a while, you need to remind yourself of these trade-offs, as it will give you a renewed understanding of the small sacrifices you've made for the good things in your life.

But, you keep going back and creating sad feelings for the situation that you chose. Almost like these bad things just happened to you and you couldn't do anything about them. Again, stop playing the helpless woman.

Of course you're going to feel sad, frustrated, and upset if you're not recognizing that YOU chose this situation as a trade-off to continue with the great guy and relationship you've got. Realize that YOU choose your life when it comes to most of the situations you find yourself in.

THE POWER OF CHOICE

What you've been doing in the past isn't working for you or him, and it CAN'T feel good. Do you really like the feeling you get when you dump your sad feelings on your boyfriend and he disappoints you sometimes with his response? Makes you feel kind of low, right? You said it yourself: when you're feeling down, you call him, expecting him to make you feel better.

It's not that he doesn't care...It's that with the way you communicate, he doesn't RESPOND. When men hear women getting emotional, they usually do one of two things:

1. Immediately go into "Action Mode" and try to "fix" the problem with concrete solutions (and that's not usually what women want to hear)
2. SHUT DOWN
And I think you know which one happens more often from experience, right?

Well, either way, both of these responses never result in the comforting reaction that you might be looking for.
So, no more of that nonsense talk from your email saying, "I'm not a patient person." You don't have to be.
It just takes the emotional maturity to recognize that the trade-offs, that you yourself have already CHOSEN, are some of the challenges here. Stop playing victim to your own choices and start finding reasons to be interesting and ATTRACTIVE to him again. Your man WILL RESPOND in kind."

ENDS

lasfpsw;f
by: Red

Well, I'd be interested to see what you thought of his comments! A little harsh perhaps, but really interesting, I thought.

I'm glad to hear that you're having good days - thats better than it was, so you're going in the right direction, which will continue regardless of your own efforts.

Take care,

Red

adk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I thought the article was interesting and definitely had some great points. I especially liked the part about letting fear dictate your actions...it's so completely true! Although, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to go to your bf to feel better when you've had a shitty day. Why be with a guy if he can't pull you out of a funk every now and then....?

When the writer stated, "Stop being so serious and smile more," I sweat I thought they were speaking to me! I also loved the 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' part...because it's so incredibly easy to do that without even realizing it. Feeling sorry for yourself just brings you down and makes you even more sad....definitely not conducive to anything.

I took another step forward today and deleted aqua's number out of my phone. I don't have it memorized and it's not written down anywhere either. There are no saved txt messages and he's not in my call log...so it's completely gone. I know you're probably wondering why I felt I had to do that. Well for one, I don't want a repeat of last time happening again if I happen to have too much to drink in the future. Also, I know that at any moment I can crack and want to reach out to him...I've done it in the past with other men, so it's a strong possibility it could happen with him as well. I'm not mad at him nor do I resent him. I miss him a lot and the more I realize how determined I am to move on, the sadder I get because the reality that me and him are no more becomes more tangible and it hurts. But I know it's something I have to go thru because everyday I feel less and less connected to him.

I was reading an interview with Eva Longoria and she was discussing her divorce from Tony Parker. She stated that she wanted to remember the love and not the loss she had with him. I think those are wise words to follow.

alal;al;c,a'ca'cm'almc'Mlmn:KNVKnv LJ
by: Red

Hey,

The thing that struck me about that article was the point about 'stop whining, YOU chose this' and the part about 'trade-offs'. but I think the guy gives very good insights from a male perspective. The times I was calmest about the aquatics was the times I took responsibility for my own part of the situation. Also, I was quite calm the times I thought the whole thing was dead in the water.

Deleting the aqua's phone number is an interesting move - sort of like clearing out a closet of clothes you don't wear any more. I came close to doing the same thing shortly before xmas - he had come over 2 nights in a row, then silence - for another 2 months. I reasoned that the situation was just untenable for him, and I was gonna delete his number, mostly to stop me from messaging someone who wasn't interested. Psychologically, it sort of 'closes the book' when you delete someone from your phone. However, I chickened out, because I didn't really want to 'delete him'.

I don't want to mess with your head, but I don't believe for a second that the aqua will never contact you again. But I hope that whatever happens there, you have the time to build yourself up to a point where you can like him, but just not particularly NEED him - same with any man really. At this point, if I never saw the aqua again, I'd still be really happy that we got to see each other again, spend time, talk more and finally get to the truth of what happened all those years ago. That sure was longtime unfinished business. Whatever the reason behind them, those distances do toughen the shell and lower the expectations of the aquas. After that, if they want in, they have to work harder at it.

So far, its been aqua aqua aqua, instead of scorp scorp scorp! Gotta to put ourselves at the centre of our own well-being, not someone else - certainly not a man we're interested in! It simply doesn't work out not to do that. So, at the point the aqua might drop a text or call, I really hope you're at a point where "what is in MY best interest?" is at the forefront of your mind, and not "what about this relationship".

With my aqua situation, I still don't feel like there is actually "a relationship" there, in the proper sense of what that means. The couples in Hawaii & everywhere else have 'proper relationships', complete with the normal ups & downs of it. All this time and particularly the events of the last time I saw the aqua have made me realize that so far, we have been in some sort of 'process' to actually see whether there could be any basis for a relationship at all - I think thats particularly true for him more than me. So, thats almost 2 years to see whether there could possibly be a relationship! Its been a long road, but I think it makes more sense than simply "deciding" to have a relationship, then spend the next 2 years actually discovering who the other person really is. I relationship "decided" as such at the start is there for the unravelling.



sdkfmeortu qun t9\
by: Red

Anyway, much more immediate fun is to be had with a small posse and an excessive quantity of drinks. A good problem to be had is a decent hangover as a result of the same. There is always the element of the unexpected on a good night out - and even a tiny minor night out. I've a feeling that night out or not, you should expect the unexpected. Its amazing how 'externalities' can change your outlook in the most unexpected ways. I suppose what I'm saying, is that if you try 'stepping outside of yourself' and how you're feeling, you never know what the result might be. I dare you!

Okay, that probably enough finger-wagging 'advice' for now. I'm glad I finally found & sent that article, it certainly made me think & I thought you'd enjoy the analysis.

Live & learn, eh?! Take care - be you!

XRed

aksajd
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I know what you mean, you're preaching wise words. I've been feeling A LOT better the last couples days. I don't know if it's because I've been so distracted or what, but I don't feel as nearly as sad as I was.

I must admit that I was feeling pity for myself and I think that only contributed to the sadness. But then I thought how much I hate feeling sorry for myself and it did change my mood noticeably. "Cleaning out the closet" also might have shed some layers of moping as well. Either way, things are calm. I love how we always use the word 'calm' haha.

I definitely feel with more time I'll gain my grounding back. Although I've never felt that I needed him and know that I don't need him (or any man), sometimes you just FEEL like you need them. They just bring about all these feelings within you, and I guess in a way...you become addicted to those feelings. You're always willing to go back for more. I'm a sucker for my desires and have a hard time resisting them. I guess the scorps slogan "I desire" is true for me.

I do need to get out more, but I feel I'm so focused on getting my schooling out of the way, I don't ever feel up to it. I have a been there, done that kind of mentality because I spent most of my twenties doing so. Now I need to get a real life going.

Well, hope things are well on your side. Have a great day!

agr qy5 q5 qbq
by: Red

Hey,

I'm glad you've sent me a post to say that you're feeling better - I really am. Its an awfully lonely place to be when the form is bad - nobody can really pull you out of it except yourself. The irony is that the nature of feeling like that almost means that you can't be bothered to take steps to improve things. Its just a plain old shitty time that gets better with the passing of the weeks. While its true that relationship heartache & sadness is always shitty, it ALWAYS gets better too. Always! just a bit of time is what it takes.

I know what you mean about "feeling like you need them" - maybe its because of the heightened difference between obligations & pleasures. The stuff we do by choice feels better than the stuff we have to do. How far into the academic program are you? I was assuming it was a 4 year course - is that right?

I just realized something - the aqua has a very heavy calendar of events all the way through the summer - so regardless of how things are, I don't think I'm going to get to see him much. Its a shame - its going to go on until August. However, things do kinda work out how they are supposed to, and I think that I'll appreciate the opportunity to get a lot done at work as well. I'm kind of wondering about the feasibility of taking a week's vacay with the aqua at the end of the summer. A bit radical, I know! I've no idea how the logistics of that would work out at all - but its a nice idea and I think I might see if there is a good occasion to bring that up much closer to the time. I'd say that he would be interested in principle, but whether he can free up for a week might be the problem. I'm not going to mention it for months though. Do you think thats enough to make an aqua run for cover?!

Lots of stress stuff at work, so got to get through that first - then I can think about it again.

Hey - backatcha with the "have a great day!"

XRed








asdlkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So I came across this post written and I thought you might enjoy it. I thought it was beautifully written...


Scorpio Girl here about to divulge a lot to all Aquarians ( male and female). I have no idea if my experience with them is unorthodox to what is ‘ supposed’ to happen but here goes:

The most intimate, mystically satisfying, spiritual, high minded, erotic, perverse, profound, evolving, meaningful moments of my life were alllllllll with aquarians. of both genders.

The most natural moments of my mind’s nature, heart’s nature, body’s nature, and life path crossed with aquarians.

I’m pretty sure my entire development as a human being was catered around aquarians, and not surprisingly the people who always stay in my life are aquarians.

They unite me with my provocative side. My sensual side. My dualities. My philosophical side. My inner child/youthful/innocent/free-going side. Maybe I just love them too much, I don’t know. But they ‘ happen’ in my life more often than anything else does.

I can’t really figure out why ( I’m a capricorn moon, venus in scorp..soooo preeeeetty intense/emotional) they never totally disappear even after I’ve been as incompatible to them as possible ( because our cores are actually very much the same)
Whenever they get a bad rap for being too lofty or wavering or cold or anti-love, I just think about Ellen and Portia—two aquarians, who have the most conspicuous, deepest, most loving love affair you will find pretty much anywhere.

So to all who think an aquarius has no emotions ( including aquarians who suppress it) that is BS. They have this beautiful, heavily ( but subtly) tender, noble, emotional heart underneath the defense mechanisms against it or their prominent intellectualizing of all things.

cont
by: Anonymous

I think if you believe in them and trust them for who they are and allow them to be who they are, as in separate from you, they won’t drive you as nuts. Speaking from personal experience. They have taught me sooo much about myself–hurt me a lot, yes, but taught me sooooo much about people and life and concepts and ideas that I can use to become a more adaptable, trusting, humble human being. I can’t help but glittery eye them after we’ve had some sort of super sexual union ( which Freaking happens all the time and it is THE BEST SEX)

Granted, I’m sort of an unorthodox scorpio myself, I’m very curious about other ways of being and open minded towards bizarro things that are ‘ against’ my nature’s ways, but I just am eager to learn.

I have noticed that both aqua males and females like to be somewhat in control of their interactions in order to feel safer in them–and scorpios can intimidate that if they throw in their profound power and openness in too quickly. It can put them ill-at-ease, but if you aquas give us scorpio’s a chance, you’ll find that we’re actually 1) not that scary for you , 2) almost perfect for you. It just requires some willingless on both parties to find mutual ground in both your mentalities, and souls.

I swear our souls are family. The way we traditionally need things in relationships are incompatible-that is true–but if you get passed that somehow, you’ll get to this BEAUTIFUL gem-a mixture of the solidity of a scorpio’s fantasy world-with the volatility of the aquarians ( and they have a VERY dark side of their world that is very fascinating that I’ve somehow been given the luxury to see in a few of my aquarian mates), it’s like a secret garden. An elevator for just you two. You just have to be willing to depart from your surface self sometimes in order to walk into that elevator. It’s a pretty cool world, and I’ve never seen in disatisfy either party.

It helps also if you understand the language of music. THey all do. They use that to find their emotions from what I can tell and if you can communicate with them through that medium, that IS you communicating with their feelings. Telling them exactly what to do when to do it, will definitely be too domineering for them , but it’s not because they don’t want you to be yourself–it’s because their hearts are sort of what I call soft tempo. But the thing is–EVERYBODY has a comfort level/communication style/love style, and if you want something to be harmonious you have to gage to anybody/everybody in some sort of way–at least at first before you start introducing your way of things.

cont
by: Anonymous

I love that I can talk about the most important feelings as if they were philosophies to an aquarian. I love that they remember EVERYTHING and see EVERYTHING –they might not like that scorpio’s are just as intuitive and perceptive and smart but that’s only if they feel like those things are what makes you a threat to them. You have to be somewhat diplomatic with them, but not because you’re manipulating them or playing them for a fool–because you RESPECT their wiring.

They aren’t as alien as they want to be 90% of the time, but if you can agree on being aliens together, you’ll both feel closer than ever. If they can see your loyalty, honesty, purity, flexibility and trust—they will stay a secure figure in your life forever. Don’t take the distance personally, they have very complex worlds they retreat to ( just like us–we just like sharing them more often) and learn to accept the fact that they have just as much power as you do. Both scorpio’s and aquarians are sexual, conquesting types, curious to a fault but gaurded, and find their inner worlds to be the most important thing and want to adhere to them and be true themselves as much as possible.

I was always more introverted than the aquarians I met from a social standpoint and at first I was intimidated /felt un-secure with their social ways/disappearing acts, until I understood it and realized they are a reflection of my freer self –and that they never want to be bad people, or mean people or cold people. They have a lot to give to humanity and if you allow them their gifts, and where those gifts go, they will be warm to you because they’ll see that you aren’t trying to change them.

Basically what I’m saying is you’ve got to love them. And if you do that, like actually do that, and not love them in the contorted way you want to love someone but in the way they TEACH you to love and learn , you will see their best side.
Do anything else and you’ll be dropped like a hot rock.

And aquarians need to know that they CAN be cherished both surfacely, sexually, and deeply, but a scorpio and that this love is NOT possession. Nobody can possess you guys, that whole thing is an illusion. You are safe. We just express loudly. There are no real chains, we just want to be safe, too.

it’s really important for these two to experience each other. Like, for growth-purposes. You can bounce off each other and with mutual patience, you can experience one of the best affairs of the world. You both have an eye for detail and pay attention to the uniqueness of the individual. Aquarians have to learn to allow themselves to be special, and scorpio’s have to learn to allow other people to be themselves.

cont.
by: Anonymous

That’s the truth of it.

( Though I could be wrong. I’m still learning.)

express your emotions as thoughts, so the aquarian can understand you–beyond what they naturally understand ( which is more than you think.) Both of us are weary of people in a certain way–it’s all about showing each other that you’ve finally found someone you don’t have to control, manipulate, fuck with, change, or do anything other than ENJOY.

I fucking love them. It sucks, because they never stick around romantically, but if one ever does, you better believe I will marry. And I’ll marry unconventionally, and let the aquarian be whatever mirage of a million things, or amoeba’s that they want to be, because that’s what they need to be. ANd hopefully they’ll let me be whatever I need to be. I’m sure if we discussed it at length, and had fun together when given the time, that would be an understood fact.

BOTH signs need to let loose some with each other and ‘ allow’ it. I am convinced that that’s all there is to it.

LEARN each other. You won’t love anyone else as awesomely.

two peas in a really innovative pod.

p.s. the aquarian who mentioned to avoid relationshipping with one who is still venturing all over the place in life, has a great point. If you meet an aquarian who is exploring and mingling and seeking ‘experiences’ instead of ‘ projects’, then just go with that flow. At the very least, you’ll produce a wonderful friend.

all you have to do is suspend your ordinary-every-day-people-interaction-rules. They do NOT follow those. It does NOT make them shitty. Trust me. Trust them.

I personally use their ‘downsides’ or ‘off’ moments or ‘ MIA’ times as opportunities to expand myself similarly. They are attracted to both your most face value version of yourself and your most self-assured self.

NEITHER SIGN LIKES ARROGANCE. whoever said to approach the situation with that, is alllll wrong. Be comfortable with your stance, but willing to allow other stances. Be comfortable with you ( and if you aren’t, and both scorpio’s and aquarians have 900000 insecurities, just try to learn how to be more comfortable) but be comfortable with them, too.

In this pairing, you guys are both wearing …uh capris. No pants on one or the other.

PLEASE DO IT. your hearts will be happy–they just have to be accessed. and it is a process/ a tango, that you cannot be overly worried about or overly cunning about.

I trust aquarians more than life once I’ve established a bond with them. I might not be able to marry one or tie one down or something but they are too vital for the scorpio soul to skip over.

I just wish they knew lol.

END

ask
by: Anonymous

So what do you think? I can identify with a lot of the things she said, but what struck me was the amount of love and compassion she had for the differences between aquas and scorps. I almost felt like I was reading poetry...

I think it would be an awesome idea if you took a trip with the aqua! I think it's always good to experience a different environment together because you're always able to see a different aspect of someone. I don't think he'll be taken back by it. I actually think it'll be well received. Let me know how that goes!

Well right now I'm on my spring break from school, it's only a week but gives me an excuse to be lazy and catch up with some friends. Yes you are correct, the program is four years...got two more to go.

Hope things are good your way! Let me know about the posting and your thoughts!

alfhL/GH
by: Red

Hey,

Wow!! Thanks for sending that - it was a great read. The passion of the writer oozed out of every word, sentence and para. She also had a great way of writing as though she was echoing my own sentiments in parts. Its unusual to read something so heartfelt, but so very well communicated like that - where the reader connects so absolutely with the content and expresses what they themselves would want to say. That said, its kinda no wonder that she says that aquas don't tend to stick around her for too long - she's pretty damned intense, and dem boys are a bit scared of 'intense'!

Surprisingly, the aqua was in contact today - he seems to be true to his sentiments and word from before about making efforts to meet up more often, which I'm so pleased about. He's been in fairly regular contact, even though he has been away - so I'm pretty impressed so far. I have a feeling that things with him will just get better and better - I know I shouldn't say that out loud like this, because of how aquas are. But he is very special and I haven't felt this way about anyone before - and I'd bet that he hasn't been treated this way before either - with endless love & patience. I know how mushy it sounds, but if we can get this right, neither of us will have another relationship again. Sheesh, and I said that the other girl was intense! Still thinking about the vacation thing - I think there will be a 'right time' to bring it up! Will keep you posted on that - as, given his current form, he might even bring that up himself. We did try to meet up this week, but our availability doesn't match - so it looks like it'll be next week.

Spring break sounds timely! The weather is also suddenly much better and things always feel better in warmer weather. My gosh though, the head does need a break from the intensive study commitments, so its good to hear that you'll be catching up with friends and also lazing around, sleeping in etc.! Need that kind of stuff just to revive and charge the batteries.

Well, please forgive the mushy its of this post, its just that it feels like things have changed and stepped up, so I'm posting accordingly - just like I've done throughout it all. I did have a slight crazy day the other day, wondering if it was 'real' or whether I was merely being 'played'. So far, the aqua has a lot of control over when we see each other, and has been the one to 'drive' the pace of the situation - so I had a wobbly day trying to figure it all out. So - we're back in the same boat - having to rely on time to see how things work out!

Thanks again for posting what you did - I've read it a few of times already, and I still want to read it again! Happy hols, I hope you enjoy the week to the max!

XRed

;af;
by: Red

Hey,

Hows that week off going?! Easter break here, lots of sunshine predicted, so I'm looking forward to a 4 day stretch of sunshine - even though I've still got work to catch up on :o(

Hopefully you've managed to catch up with friends and, I hope its in good sunshine too! Something about warm weather that just feels good!

Take care!

XR

adslkj
by: Anonymous

Hey,

The week off is going well. Have been able to catch up on some things - especially in dealing with my car and running some other errands. I have a family lunch thing this Sat. for Easter, then a party to go to that night - so a busy weekend for me. I've been taking advantage of the whole relaxing thing, although it's hard to sit still when you're so use to going-going.

I'm glad things are working well with you and the aqua, especially that he's being true to his word and suggestions. I think he's beginning to know what it will take to get you guys around each other more. Don't worry about the mushy stuff. I've noticed that the aqua and scorp pairing (when taken serious) usually turns into those relationships that never end. Both are strong-willed in wanting to maintain what it is they want.

Hope your week is going well!

lalfvmsw'
by: Red

Hey,

Happy Easter! For me, Easter just means a few days break from work, which is pretty welcome!

I'm interested to see what will happen this week with the aqua. He texted to meet up last week, but I didn't have a good evening for it when he was free. It was left that he'd contact me this week to meet up instead - so I'd love him to be as good as his word. Because of the consistent distances over the last 2 years, I still can't get my head around to believing that things are really going to be different since our talks the last couple of times. It almost seems too good to be true! The aqua has definitely been more open about he feels about me, in contact more and seems willing to follow through - but I can't really believe it until I see it more consistently than over a few weeks. Does that make sense? It almost seems like my 'normal comfort zone' has been him not being around, so, now he seems like he wants more, its new territory for me. Its a bit nerve-racking, to be honest, but I don't know why.

Sorry, this is just another crazy day I'm having in all this!

Hope you're doing well and having a good break!

XR

jdkdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I know all too well how doubt can put a cast on an otherwise promising thing. I don't blame you for being a little reluctant in believing your aqua will come thru when he says. However, I think you should try and give him the benefit of the doubt and try to have a little faith in him. Its also super important to keep expectations low. Not so much because you doubt him, but because it keeps things light and less heavy for you. Casting doubt can lead to resentment and disappointment if you feel you've been proven right. Just let things fall where they should with no worry or effort on your part.

My break is officially over now, back to school for me. But the good thing is there!i

asldk
by: Anonymous

Sorry...my post got cut off. But what I was saying was...

It's good because there is only 3 weeks of class left before summer break. Then another 2 week break before I begin summer session. I was thinking about going to Hawaii again for the summer and really enjoying the sun and vacation, since it was raining a lot last time.

Hope the beginning of your week is going well. No more worrying and time to focus on contentment!

gilfekelef
by: Red

Hey,

Good post! I liked this bit:

"Just let things fall where they should with no worry or effort on your part."

It makes absolute sense, I get what you're saying. I feel a little silly saying this now, but about an hour after my last post, the aqua sent me a text asking if I'd like to go for a drink. As it went, I had been out a couple of nights over the break, & didn't fancy going out again, so I invited him over to mine instead. Funny, I went out to get a dvd before he arrived, and when he turned up, he had bought the same one with him - freaky, considering its not a popular or current movie.

The guy looked pretty exhausted when he arrived - not surprising given that he's finished an intensive period of weeks with work stuff. The vibe was really lovely, as has always been the case. This time though, it was a little different to time we've spent before - it was simply very very relaxed. Its like we both know how the other feels about us now, so we didn't talk about how we feel, we just enjoyed the company of each other. I think its been the first time that I've truly just completely relaxed like that - we just talked a lot about all sorts of stuff - current affairs (no pun intended!), funny stuff, comparing childhoods etc. Actually, the 'friendship' aspect of it really came out, which was so nice.

In the morning, he was very affectionate when leaving, more so than ever before and took his time saying goodbye. So, it was again a perfect night, but in a different way to previous. So, you were completely right to say that I should have a little faith in him - I should have. But, its still anybody's guess how this will play out, so its also great advice to "keep expectations low", for exactly the reason you said. I still can't quite believe that things are turning out the way they are, and I think I might be in some kind of denial. Weird. Thanks for the advice, its pretty clear-headed stuff.

So, the tone of your post was light and chirpy - can I take that to mean you're doing okay?! I envy you having another break in a few weeks - and would envy you even more if you went to Hawaii ! At some point, I'd love to do a proper long haul exotic vacation, but...work! What is "summer session"? More schol over the summer?! Surely not!

I hope you are feeling great!

XR













































































































































































asdkj
by: Anonymous

So...

I'm kind of sad today. I was doing very well for quite a while, then the sadness kind of just hit me again. I know it comes in waves and it's natural...it just sucks to feel it.

Me and him haven't gone this long without communication, it just feels so dead in the water. Yes, I know I'm suppose to be moving on....but really?...is this how it's going to end? I guess it's better this way than some huge blow out that only leads to bitterness and hate. I just wish I knew what he thought about everything...from the distance, it feels like he thinks absolutely nothing!

Ok, I'm done now...

skfj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So I just saw your post & I'm glad that he was able to prove you wrong! Its also very nice that you guys have been able to reach a comfort level where you're able to just 'be' around each other. I'm sure things will only get better but nonetheless with occasional distance here & there.

I feel like me & you have traded places! I remember when I was the one posting with all this doubt, only to speak too soon with the aqua coming thru on his word. Then I would have to come and post with my head hanging from shame because I realized how silly I had been! I know the feeling all too well.

I was doing very well and getting on with things in great stride, but today I do feel a wave of sadness over me. I just kind of don't know how things got where they are and if I should be trying to do some damage control on my part for the things said during my drunkenness. However, given all the signs of him verbally saying he wasn't readdy for anything serious, I think it would be stupid and pointless to try and mend anything. I'm also very prideful and I know that he is as well...so I know that even if he was thinking something, its not something he would ever show. He is (maybe an aqua trait) the type to sulk in darkness with no fight.

As I was thinking about everything today I realized how my words of bringing up other men while I was drunk might have been a fear of his. During his last night here & while we were being intimate he kept making little comments, looking for reassurance and trying to get a sense on whether I would allow any other man into my life. Obviously it was something he was concerned about or perhaps curious of.

I just get the feeling me & him are both playing the same game...waiting for the other to make a move. I also feel he feels as though there's not much to do since he is away, so might as well leave things as they are & deal with it when he really can.

I just don't know what to do...

skfj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So I just saw your post & I'm glad that he was able to prove you wrong! Its also very nice that you guys have been able to reach a comfort level where you're able to just 'be' around each other. I'm sure things will only get better but nonetheless with occasional distance here & there.

I feel like me & you have traded places! I remember when I was the one posting with all this doubt, only to speak too soon with the aqua coming thru on his word. Then I would have to come and post with my head hanging from shame because I realized how silly I had been! I know the feeling all too well.

I was doing very well and getting on with things in great stride, but today I do feel a wave of sadness over me. I just kind of don't know how things got where they are and if I should be trying to do some damage control on my part for the things said during my drunkenness. However, given all the signs of him verbally saying he wasn't readdy for anything serious, I think it would be stupid and pointless to try and mend anything. I'm also very prideful and I know that he is as well...so I know that even if he was thinking something, its not something he would ever show. He is (maybe an aqua trait) the type to sulk in darkness with no fight.

As I was thinking about everything today I realized how my words of bringing up other men while I was drunk might have been a fear of his. During his last night here & while we were being intimate he kept making little comments, looking for reassurance and trying to get a sense on whether I would allow any other man into my life. Obviously it was something he was concerned about or perhaps curious of.

I just get the feeling me & him are both playing the same game...waiting for the other to make a move. I also feel he feels as though there's not much to do since he is away, so might as well leave things as they are & deal with it when he really can.

I just don't know what to do...

s.m;qmrgmpq
by: Red

Hey,

Speculation and imagination are leading your situation, instead of either of you. Really, seriously....WHAT HARM can come from you sending off a text to say 'Hi, Hows it going?' ?? Would that be the very worst thing you could do? If so...WHY?!! Send him that text. I know you deleted the number, but if its on your mind, then there has got to be a way to get the number. I have a feeling that there is more to be gained from doing that than not doing that.

When I did the same drunken thing, I was absolutely mortified for weeks - also wondering what the hell he must have thought about it all. There was a gap of distance and when we did finally speak, it was like there was no issue at all for him. He had either processed it, forgotten it, decided it wasn't a big deal, or was otherwise distanced from "the incident" and had just plain moved on. I got the impression he had just moved on while I was fretting about it all & the implications.

Whatever is happening in your situation is what you guys MAKE HAPPEN - it doesn't make itself, it needs 'gas in the tank', which you both have to put in. You told me in a previous post that when you guys were talking he said something like "i'm waiting for you to contact me & you're waiting for me to contact you". I'd say that he would welcome contact from you. I would bet that in his head that he assumes you haven't been in contact because you are off having a great time with 'your new boyfriend'. He only has his imagination for guidance too!

When you told me the story of you guys in bed with your balding weirdo neighbor hammering on the door, your aqua thought it might be some guy you had on the side. One thing is for sure, its better to use your logical head to work this situation, not your imagination & emotions. If it is true that your aqua is not very experienced at handling relationships, then he is the wrong person to 'guide' you both back to a position of normal interaction. It has to be YOU that guides it back. And I think its there for the taking, IF that’s what you want.

You're feeling sad because the aqua is special to you and you have strong feelings for him. If he is that special, then get his number and fire off a text to let him know that he's still on your mind. Doesn't matter if you don't hear back straight away, because it will tell him a lot (he always needs reassurance, remember!) - and I think its a good move. Better than feeling down & doing nothing about it.

C’mon Missy, do something about this!!!
XR

dkjf
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So I took your advice and text him. I was able to get his number thru some old phone bills I had. I just told him hey and hope he was doing well & that I was thinking of him. I got no response! I'm not surprised & was expecting it and I think you were too. So I guess it really is dead in the water...

I don't regret it & actually feel a sense of relief because I atleast know I did something about it.

alsd
by: Anonymous

Update:

So he ended up responding...7 hours later! Who does that?! The convo held nothing exciting. Just asked how I was doing, I in turn did the same...told him I was glad to hear he was doing well, then that's when he stopped communication. It was the usual distant cold aqua thing *eye roll*

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just going to leave it alone while he's away. I don't think neither of us are handling this physical distance very well and there's nothing that can be done about it. I don't want him to have to feel obligated to keep in contact with me if that's not something he's naturally willing to do. I'm just going to give him the space to do his thing out there, and if and when he comes back....we can both pick up from where we left off if that's where things lead. It's pretty pointless to worry about anything when he's there and I'm here. I can see why he used this as an excuse for why he didn't want to get into anything serious. He really just wants to be left to do his thing.

kqr
by: Red

Hey,

Good move, nice one! When I suggested making contact, I should have said that it is not about what you get out of it, its about what he does - very strange as it may seem.

I'm delighted you made that contact, but I have more comments to post to you on this. I'm working at the moment, so will post in more detail tonight!

Good good good! I thought you'd put up a pride fight about texting him ;o) !!

Later.

XR

lrqp' i
by: Red

Hey,

Sorry I didn't get around to posting my full comments yet, I finished work late and need to get away from the computer! I think theres a lot to say about your current status with the aqua relationship - but I fear its gonna be one of those ones that is just my reading of it. Please bear with me, I'll get it posted tomorrow eve.

In the meantime, your aqua has something to chew on, which I think he needs. I think you two sound very similar in some ways - stubborness and a quiet self-protection going on! I think you did the right thing though. One of you would have eventually contacted the other, but it could have been months away, when it really didn't need to be. Both of these aquas seem to share the same trait of not being in contact when they are busy doing other things. I think a big difference between them & us is that we are happy to text for no reason except to just to say 'Hi' - whereas they need a more 'logical REASON' to send a text.

i have more to say on this, but I'd make a better job of it by doing so tomorrow!

Take care,

XR

ce3U3I
by: Red

Hey Again,

I had some more thoughts about your post, but hesitated about responding to one part of it. I wonder if sometimes I overstep the mark with you, like it almost feels like ramming my perspectives (sometimes almost critical ones) down your neck or something that I don't have a right to. But then, I know you totally have your own mind and can easily figure what to take or leave from it - and you'll know that its just a perspective, just my way of seeing things as an outsider looking in. Its the same dilemma with this post - hence the hesitation in addressing the following:

"I just kind of don't know how things got where they are and if I should be trying to do some damage control on my part for the things said during my drunkenness. However, given all the signs of him verbally saying he wasn't ready for anything serious, I think it would be stupid and pointless to try and mend anything"

I have some thoughts on that - hoping that the perspective helps, not pisses you off. Where did it go wrong? I don't think it was the drunken texting at all. I think its about understanding the differences between men & women and the different 'wiring' we have, compared with them and seeing things from the aqua’s point of view. We may as well be different species!

CONTINUES...

LK;LM;M;
by: Anonymous

Men are 'head' & women are 'heart'. We start pumping oxytocin after proximity & sex and want to bond. The emotions take over and it explains the crazy rollercoaster of wanting to be with them etc. We can’t help it!!! Men, after sex simply enjoy the release of it as an 'experience', and don't release bonding chemicals at the same pace, nor for the same reasons. In fact, they release chemicals that make them want to shut down, detach & fall asleep! For this reason, they can easily ‘emotionally detach’ at the same time as women can naturally start to fall for them.
I think that part of the problem with you guys is viewing him through ‘oxytocin eyes’ – and then really wanting him to behave in certain ways, because of how YOU feel. I think that the crux of you & the aqua’s different perspectives on your situation is that you already decided that you wanted to be with him, but he didn’t get around to even making that decision – and the behaviors follow accordingly. I have detected some criticisms from you of his behavior, which would be appropriate from a girlfriend criticizing her boyfriend. (For example, “eye rolls” at his distance stuff, referring to him “making excuses” if he’s not on the same page as you, getting offended if he doesn’t meet expectations such as calling, texting quickly, meeting up etc. The fact is that he has never been under any obligation to do any of these things, he shouldn’t be judged by his friends for being how he is and its not fair to put emotional expectation on him.
Thinking of him sometimes like he is a badly-behaved boyfriend isn’t fair to either of you. The truth is that with or without the involvement of sex, men don’t ‘owe’ women a relationship, just because they get on well and like each other. Women assume that a high degree of affection, particularly when there is sex involved, means that they are heading for a relationship. The oxytocin has bonded them to the idea and the emotions do the rest of the work. But the guys don’t feel it that way. I think that understanding the differences in ‘wiring’ is the key to this.


continues...

UHIPH
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how it is – I’ve been wrestling with the whole emotional rollercoaster for the last 2 years with this aqua, and before when trying to make sense of other relationships. It can be a real head-wreck and the only thing that ever made any sense was seeing things from the man’s perspective. I read that a man, in his head, absolutely NEEDS to be the one to ‘chase’ the woman, not the other way around. On some primal level, it is just a need they have to pursue and ‘win’. Also, they alone need to be the ones to decide, through experience, that they want to be with a woman – the decision is not made through emotional pressure, verbal persuasion or ultimatums. Apparently, that just makes them run in the opposite direction. They just need to feel, through their experience of a woman that they need to be with her, and her alone. Remember that old adage – ‘its not how you feel about the person, its how they make you feel.’?

The channels of communication with your aqua are open. If you really want to be with this guy, it makes sense to me to start with a clean slate when he is back and just focus on making sure he has a good experience with you every time. No talk of relationships, ‘where are we going with this?’ etc. – just be & enjoy, and make sure he does. This ‘us & the future’ talk (apparently) introduces pressure & expectation that they are not well equipped to deal with. With what I’ve learned about aquas on this forum, it is especially true for them. It also makes sense that if a man has a consistently good experience whenever he is with a woman, the penny eventually drops that he just wants to be with her. Its leans more to a subliminally logical decision than an emotional one – and then that kind of relaxed proximity generates the oxytocin they need to make them want to bond & be close. Emotional pressure & expectation has the opposite effect.
continues...

HFYFUL
by: Anonymous


By the way, this is stuff I read that made sense to me – not my own cleverly-devized theories as an expert on men! Looking back at relationships, it just falls into place. That is not to say that men do these things ‘right’ and women don’t – it is just the differences between us and useful to get a handle on how men see things. Looking back, I think your talk with the aqua about wanting a relationship was absolutely right, but maybe the timing was wrong, according to where he was with it all. What do you think?

Your aqua mentioning things like having his baby, fishing to find out how you feel about other men etc. hasn’t been fair to you – its confusing stuff to say. Literally that – it introduces confusion. In fact, I plain don’t understand why he would get into stuff like that and then behave with the distance thing. But, separating the issues here, ‘distance’ is part of the aqua psyche – not necessarily related to other stuff that happens between you. Like my aqua, yours has also been guilty of plain bad manners as well. Again, that should be compartmentalized into something separate too. But things do also have a habit of naturally correcting themselves, given time though.

Things are obviously not “dead in the water” with your aqua, and I think you’re right that when he is back, things can pick up properly again. I think its important to keep in touch while he is away though – tell him if something is happening, but don’t expect anything from him, nor be pissed if his actions/reactions don’t suit your expectations – because you don’t have enough right to have any. Just keep in touch with him, as though nothing has happened. It will help to ‘normalize’ the vibe for when he gets back. Meantime, focus on the things that make you feel vibrant and happy. Thats always going to be the most important thing.

The above is just a few thoughts that I wanted to get down – I’d be interested to see what you make of it.

XR

aslkdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Don't worry about stepping on toes, I value honesty and appreciate honest insight no matter how critical or brutal it may seem.

I get what you're saying and I think you've mentioned this to me before - the whole man v. women thinking. More importantly though are the comments regarding expectations and his non-obligation to me. I forget sometimes that my emotions get in the way of things and allow these expectations to flourish. Although in my defense, I will say this...

I've known obviously that he was going to be leaving and I knew there would be an uncertainty of how things would play out when he was away. I had absolutely no expectations, a notion, or even a plan of how things were going to go - quite simply, I hadn't even thought about it. I figured he would leave, I would stay here...and that would be that - I literally hadn't thought about anything past that. It wasn't until he brought up keeping in touch and how we should make an effort to do so, because according to him, last time we didn't. So I made that effort, but then felt he wasn't holding up his end of the bargain - a bargain he proposed. In all honesty I probably would have never brought it to his attention had I not been drinking and had I not been around men who I wished were him - not a good combo.

So yes I was mortified by even showing those feelings to him. However, those expectations I had were brought on by the same expectations he had before he left and also expectations he felt a need to voice. I think it would be unfair to myself to feel like I don't have a right to be upset with him, because this is something he brought upon himself. It was his idea, not mine. So I think (in this particular situation) that he was obligated to me because that's a position he allowed himself to be in and a place he put himself, not me.

I know that looking at the bigger picture, you're right, he owes me nothing and isn't obligated to me in any way. I think I've done an okay job at accepting it. Yes, I get frustrated when he doesn't meet whatever hopes I have for 'us', but I feel that it's not something I show him all too much. I think that's where the difference lies. It's always safe to keep expectations low, but also inhuman to not feel a little disappointment when someone makes you feel as if they don't care for you the way you care for them. What matters is how that frustration, anger, etc. is acted upon. I come on here a lot to express my disappointment in him, but I don't express it to him (outside of the drunk text situation), and I think that makes a big difference.

cont

cont.
by: Anonymous

The one thing I have done is express my curiosity of where he feels this could lead - probably something that wasn't a good idea - I agree and think it was bad timing. I just felt like I didn't want to be that girl who is with a man that never wants to be with her, but yet can't leave her alone. It's obvious I have a deep rooted fear of rejection, so I felt that by bringing it up to him...then at least it could be his (and my) way out of something that was just going to be a waste of our time. However, it didn't work that way because he didn't seem to want to let me go.

He gives so many mixed signals and I know you know how confusing and unfair it is to me. I don't know why he does this and I can only speculate. I feel that he does like me, and he does think about a future with me, and these little thoughts slip out in his words and actions from time to time, hence his need for reassurance or him not wanting to let me go. However, it's not something he's ready for and he probably still has doubts he needs to work thru...not to mention whatever fear he has. Couple all this together, and it's no wonder why this man is a walking contradiction.

I think me and him are the same in a lot of ways...maybe a little too similar. We're both prideful as all hell, and not to mention stubborn like you stated, with a "fuck it" attitude if we feel things aren't going our way. We both want to be chased and reassured, but we're both not willing to do the same in return. I think we both were not expecting to feel the way we do about each other. But yet, we both are handling it differently, me wanting to get closer while he wants to pull away. It's just hard for me to understand why he wants to punish himself (like he said)...when he can just give in to what I know he wants. However, I know I can't be mad at him for it because it's unfair to both of us for him to be something he's not ready for, and it's also something I shouldn't settle for either.

I don't think I'll be contacting him again while he's away. I just think things need to go where they're meant to. He knows that I'm still here and thinking of him...so if he wants to see me then he can reach out to me. I feel I've stressed about this more than I should have and I feel that the more effort I make to make things 'right' (according to me), the more it'll just make things go wrong. I know it's just a control issue on my part....because I literally feel like I have no control over this and it's an awful feeling. But a feeling that I need to learn from because it's not healthy for me to 'need' to be in control all the time. Again, it's my fear of loss and rejection that needs to be worked thru. I'm just not feeling confident at the moment.

Thanks for your words and insight. It means a lot that you take the time to comment on my issues. Don't worry, I'm not at all offended or upset by anything you wrote, so please don't feel that way. Hope you had a good day!

;sdlrp
by: Red

Hey,

I'm so glad that my post didn't come across as "i know it all" - its just sharing perspectives.

You see this bit: "I forget sometimes that my emotions get in the way of things and allow these expectations to flourish." Well, just so you know, you're not alone in that - all women have that in common! Men too. For me, the emotional stuff is a nightmare. I've had days where its really distracted me from work and affected my performance, nonsensical and embarrassing as that is. I prefer to be more in control than that, but hey, I guess its unrealistic.

Just like you, I've got the serious business of having to devote my proper focus to the work stuff that will build my future - that is always a constant, there in the background & foreground. At no time during the aquatics have I forgotten that, and so I have never felt ready, nor imagined some kind of full-on situation with my aqua. Nor was there ever ANY evidence that there even would be any such scenario with him! I have had 2 years to get used to the whole silence, distance, second-guessing, emotional rollercoaster, thinking its on, then off, then on, then off, etc. I'm not even sure what to do now!

You could look at it like your aqua has been unfair to you - and I totally get that. All that talk of wanting to keep in touch, then doing 'distance within distance' sure seems like it. However, you have the luxury of intelligence, so you can actually CHOOSE the perspective you want to take. Another way to look at it is a combination of aquatic characteristics and immaturity. My aqua doesn't really text unless there is a reason to - ie. meeting up. It sounds like your aqua is the same - they don't seem to text just for the hell of it, it seems only to be a functional thing. If that is true, then try not to take it personally. In the same vein, I'd guess that he'd say the same thing as you - ie. 'theres no point if I'm so far away, as we can't do anything'.

Neither of you have been in this position with each other before. I know he went away before, but that was before you guys had a chance to get close. However, you only got close to a certain degree, so there was no understanding of how to deal with the distance. I would just start over when he is back, with a line drawn under his inconsistencies. I think its good to also forgive people their normal human frailties. So, rather than pick up where you left off, its all a good opportunity to just start again with him.

Lastly - the control thing is interesting. I feel that I have had no control over when & how often I've seen the aqua, which is something really alien for me. But I have to also remember that I CAN control what the experience is when we are together. Still, its a tough one for a scorp to get the head around!

Hey, chill - this will all work out for you in its own time, I'm sure. Have a good day today, tomorrow, the next day, the day after, the day after that & repeat ad infinitum!

XR



ksd;'
by: Red

Hey,

One more thing. You have had a really rotten time of things lately, which shouldn't be underestimated. Sadness, anxiety, confusion, the whole texting mortification, stress, feeling like you;re being ignored by the aqua etc. etc. Its been mostly non-stop. The more I think about it, the more important I realize it is that you really do make conscious efforts for your own well-being. Get a few of the girls over for a damn good weed-smokin' session, get dressed to kill and go for a few beers, hang with the cousins - try the shooting range etc. Do some stuff for you. It is often the things you just don't feel like doing that you really HAVE to do. You can break the cycle of it by taking some deliberate action here.

Press PAUSE on the aqua thing and all the stresses associated with it. In fact, you have the opportunity to just start it over on your own terms and drive it any way you choose to handle it. But you can't realy do much there until he is back.

If you do the above, you'll be in the pretty strong position of being happier & more carefree than you have been in a while, and I really hope you see that this is what needs to happen next! Right now. Its just a question of making some decisions and following up with some action & some lipstick! More time off coming up soon?! Well good!

You really don't deserve the sadness, stress & anxiety you've had, but you should remember that you have the power to do something about it.

Take care you. Of you !

XR

qgthq
by: Red

Hey,

Quick question for you...

When I've posted about stuff to do with the aqua here (flowers, hearts & diamonds falling from the sky, violins playing in the distance etc. ) - does it have a negative effect on you? What I mean, is whether all that mush just makes you think that everyone else seems to be able to make a relationship happen, thereby highlighting any negative issues with your aquatics? You know what I mean!

Hope you're mighty fine.

XR

aslkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I just wanted to check in and let you know that I wasn't ignoring what you wrote. I've come down with the flu and I'm having body aches, etc., so I'm in no condition to even think about deep thoughts at the moment. I will try to get back to you within the next day or so when I'm feeling more up to it.

Hope you're having a great week!!

fo;rq'
by: Anonymous

Poor thing! I hope you feel better soon.

I quite like this thread to post up and shoot the shit a bit, as well as vent & stress, so no biggie when you don't get to responding.

My latest here is that I posted when I saw the aqua at the beginning of last week. I sent a text at the end of the week, just a few days later, to ask if he was around for the weekend. I didn't get a reply for a day! When he replied, he apologized and said he was feeling sick and is taking it very easy at home until he recovers. I sent him a text a couple of days later to ask how he was, and he replied again. His replies were sort of functional and practical answers to my texts, but with an X on the end. I sent my 2nd of those texts 2 days ago, so I'm not texting any more. He'll know that I was expressing concern over his being sick, but I'm not getting into texting every few days, so thats my lot for now.

I was sort of pushing & testing things out a little - I've never texted to meet up so soon after seeing him, so I kinda wanted to see how that would go. So I'm by no means driving myself nuts or distracted by it, but I am curious to see how long it takes for him to want to meet up again. He's still on my mind a lot, (well, most of the goddam time!) but in a more relaxed way. I'm missing him though. I'm starting to wonder if we could get into a relationship - which is different thinking to before. I think I'd like that. Fucking hell!

So, thats my latest, being in contact, as opposed to not, so its anybody's guess what happens next.

Take care, the muscle aches are the worst part of the flu, so I hope you're milking it for all its worth in sympathy!

XR

adlkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Well I'm still sitting here sick, although it feels more like body aches and lung congestion more than anything...also headaches. Good think I have the weekend to gather myself.

To answer your question, no it doesn't affect me negatively when you post positive things about you and your aqua. If anything, it gives me hope. Not just in terms of me and my aqua, but just whoever is meant for me. So please don't feel guilty or worrisome about sharing your happy moments.

So it sounds like I'm not the only one who is sick then. It also sounds like I'm not the only one who gets crazy response times outta texts! Seriously, who responds after 7 hours or a day after a message is sent?! Most people would just forget about....I know I do! I guess it's one of the aqua quirks. I know exactly how you feel about the whole 'testing' it issue. You kind of want to 'test' things to see how many inches you can get...hoping they lead to a mile! It's funny too, because you're not necessarily worried about getting your way or not....just more of seeing the reaction you'll get.

I did something completely out of character as well. I text the aqua earlier in the week and told him I really missed him and just wanted him to know. His response, "I know. How is everything with you down there"...and that was basically it. I was a little surprised that he even acknowledged my 'I miss you' because usually the typical response would be, "Hey, how are you?" I know you know what I mean...the distant aqua response. However, he didn't do that this time....and I'm not sure what to make of it. In any case, I've chilled out a lot in terms of me and him...guess I'm in 'calm' mode now....or maybe just sick mode.

How are things with you? Better than what's going on over here I hope!

lsr';qe
by: Red

Hey,

I'm glad you texted your aqua to tell him you miss him. It reminded me of a convo I had with my aqua recently. Basically, I told him that it seems like he can't get away quick enough the day after we've been together, and I was very surprised at his reply: He said that he really doesn't want to leave & it makes him grumpy that he has to. I had always interpreted his 'day after' behavior as just wanting to get some distance from it as quickly as possible, when in fact, the exact opposite was true. So, now I'm wondering if your aqua is doing the exact opposite of how he feels.

If he is missing you and thinks about you, but knows that he simply can't be near what he wants, then (by aqua logic), it must be easier put you right out of his mind altogether. Know what I mean? You spent some intense time together before he left, and there is NO WAY that he doesn't think about you and those times, your conversations, intimate times etc. 'Emotionals' also make the aquas pretty uncomfortable, because they don't really know how to handle them. (Like we do ;o) !!! ) Between ll that, and the insights I got from my aqua, it suddenly makes much more sense that he is so 'distant' on this trip.

I'm glad you sent him a text - I think he values the reassurance that you're still there for him, even though he won't be able to 'change' as a result. I think it is so so so important to DO THINGS THAT AFFECT HOW HE FEELS, instead of expecting HIM to do things to affect HOW YOU FEEL. I think that strategy will bring you closer. But think of it like a 'strategy', not an overnight solution. Let the smaller stuff go - 7 hour & 1-day response times? You're right that it is unusual, but don't make it important, because it is really not. Its like being irked that someone is not jumping to attention for you - don't go there!

Love stinks, man! I'm gaga for the aqua and it doesn't make it easier! I just miss him and want to see him more. I have to do the same thing and not expect him to jump to attention. He is a genuinely busy guy who doesn't have a 9-5 kind of life. That will always be the case, so I'm cool with that, but I think I would like more time to feel reassured. Typical emotional female shit!

I have a feeling he'll be distant again for a while, I still haven't really got my head around the recent stuff and am still 'conditioned' to expect the distance & absence ting, I think. Well, I'd better stop, because its just imaginary angsty stuff!

I hope the weekend brings you the recovery you need, so take it easy.

XR






asldl
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Geez, this flu is only now beginning to subside.

I know exactly what you mean by letting the small things go. I'm a firm believer in picking your battles when it comes to love, etc. As of right now I'm feeling pretty good and a lot more settled. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, and all this relief came after I really realized that there's no point to it all (worrying over nothing). It also helps that with not seeing someone in so long and also having pretty much nil communication with them...you're attention starts to fade and focus on other things. I think it's a natural progression that comes with time and not interacting with someone, but ultimately is what I was hoping to achieve.

How are things with you?

ldlkor;er
by: Anonymous

Hey,

You sound way better and I'm glad. I think you're absolutely right in everything you said. It is impossible to maintain any state for a prolonged period of time because life just goes on and other stuff replaces the focus - I guess that why they say 'time is a healer'. In a way, I'm a little envious that your aqua-angsting has subsided, because mine has not and its no picnic to feel like that!

My aqua has millions of work commitments between now and the very end of the summer, so i'm pretty sure I won't get to see him much. Its a shame, but I also know how to live with that. I'm just at that time where its been a couple of weeks since I've seen him, so I'm missing him and thinking about him lots - probably too much, which I can't really help. At the same time, I have tons of work to do, so I think it'll work out just fine for me and allow me to get my stuff done without distraction. I might give him a call in a few days if I haven't heard from him - and I don't expect to hear from him! Thats about my latest on the aqua front.

Remember my friend whose husband cheated on her? She is being remarkably cool about my situation. When I told her that I think he has split from his wife, she said "good for you", which I think is pretty amazing.

Again, I'm glad you're doing better. I'll check in with in with you if I get to texting the aqua this week.

Take care!


XR

asdlk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Trust me, there's nothing to be envious of. If I remember, there was a point where you were once in my spot and I was going thru it! This has just turned out to be the natural progression of my situation. I can't say that I'm not curious how things will turn out when he comes back. Although, since it's still like a month and a half away...by then I might not care much!

That's very nice of your friend to still be supportive of your situation, yet be going thru the same thing herself but on the other end. It's a bit ironic...for her anyway. I too am curious what your aqua's deal is with his wife. I'm almost thinking he wouldn't have started anything with you in the first place if he wasn't truly happy to begin with. Hopefully you guys will get to where you can openly and freely talk about what's going on without judgement, awkwardness, and more importantly...expectations.

How has the week been going? I had my last day of school lecture for the semester and next week is finals week. After that, no school for two weeks! Then I will begin the summer semester for a month and a half...followed by a nice month or so break before fall semester starts. I hope to make it to Hawaii during that time and get some sun. I can't believe this year is nearly half way over! I feel like xmas was not even a few months ago!

LDLRL
by: Red

Hey,

I can't believe that the year is nearly half way through either, its flown by without me noticing. Scary!

Only 6 weeks until the aqua is back? I think that you should APPLY A DEFINITE STRATEGY to the situation when he gets back. I'll talk to you more about that if you are interested, but it should essentially be about creating a perfect experience for the aqua each time you see him to really feed that aqua mind of his. Once his mind finally clicks that he has a better time with you than without you, without feeling any pressure, guilt, stress etc. then you'll get what you want because he'll be more receptive to giving what you can then communicate that you want. In that frame of mind he'll be much more relaxed and able to 'give' to a relationship and meet the needs you have. This can't happen too soon, it can only happen when he is totally relaxed into the experience of being with you. Are you up for hearing more on this?!

I have really been missing he aqua lately, maybe because work is a big stress at the moment with so much to do & he's the perfect balance to heavy work stuff. So, I sent him a text the other night asking how he was doing. We had a friendly and affectionate little exchange of texts, in which we both said that we were busy. He is away again at the weekend with work stuff, and I'll be working here, so neither of us suggested meeting up, as its a bad week for both. But I've made my contact, and I'll leave it to him to contact me. He has a heavy work diary for the next few months, so I if I don't hear from him, I'll know that it has nothing to do with me and won't take it personally. It'll be hard not seeing him though - so you & I might be switching places again soon!


slsls
by: Red


Hmmm - his wife & marriage? Thinking about it now, when I first started seeing the aqua, he looked like he had let himself go a bit. He wasn't overweight or anything, but looked tired, older than his years, his hair was overdue for a cut and he looked unhealthy - and I remember remarking that he'd look good with really short hair. I've never mentioned this before, but he made noticeable changes to himself each time I saw him subsequently. First it was a bit of aftershave and a short haircut, then I noticed he had obviously been hitting the gym, we had talked a lot about nutrition and he made massive changes there, he dresses better (we never discussed clothes, he always looked good to me!) and he now looks more healthy attractive than I've ever seen. The most recent was quite surprising - he had obviously had his eyebrows tidied up!! I would never have guessed he'd do such a thing!! So, going back to the marriage thing, I think he cares more about his appearance now than he did before we started seeing each other. I also think it has something to do with looking good for me, big-headed as it might sound. Don't get me wrong, he's not a vain guy in the least, he's completely sure about who he is and is naturally really cool, but he's definitely been making tweaks! I mention all of this because I think that it is an indicator of where he's at with his marriage. Men let themselves go as well as women, and I think that must have been symptomatic of his situation at the time. Does that make sense? I've never commented on his appearance or the changes he's made, except to tell him he's looking good - I don't need the eyebrow specifics!


Must be a real relief getting the last day of school out of the way - nothing else quite feels like the last day of obligation before the holidays can start! I am soooooo jealous that you're going to Exotico! I really enjoy vacations and travel, but I was calculating that I won't have time until maybe late August/September, and the idea of that is killing me! However, I chose this work situation, so I understand and accept it fully. Still...beach & sunshine!!

I'm expecting a visitor, so I'll sign off, but have a great day - catch you soon!

XR

ldloe;eog
by: Anonymous

Ah, I mis-read your post - exams still to go! Oops. You back to full health & ready for it? I hope so.

Bucket loads of luck with the Finals!

asda
by: Anonymous

Hey...

As always I would love to hear whatever advice you're willing to give; however, I'm not sure that I really care enough to apply anything to me and him. Things are how they are and I accept that with no ill feelings towards him. I'm not mad or upset...or necessarily feel that me and him are completely over. I've just moved on...or have moved passed certain feelings for him. If he comes back and we end up hanging out again...that's fine. If he comes back and we don't see each other...that's fine too. Either way, there's been such a long gap of physical and emotional distance between us...it would be nearly impossible for me to maintain a certain amount of intensity towards him. I feel kind of bad saying that....but what else was suppose to happen? Feelings are definitely fading without any effort on my part and I don't want to sit here and hang on to anything either.

Still, I know how you feel with your aqua. I think it's rather cute he kind of 'spruced' himself up a bit for you! I don't understand why people think it's ok to let themselves go after getting comfortable within a relationship. I'm far too vain to not care about my appearance! Now are you interpreting it as him letting himself go out of comfort, or out of not caring how he looked to her because feelings were no longer there? I'm sure the aqua will make attempts to see you when he can regardless of his busy schedule. But of course, it doesn't hurt to have that sense of security that you will see him...which is something lacking at the moment.

Have any fun plans for the weekend? I'm going to this wine festival tomorrow. Wineries from all around come and showcase their wine. You pay $40 to get in and it's all you can drink...it's an event that lasts all day, long into the night. Should be fun! Hope you're doing well!

bhllg
by: Red

Hey,

Crazy coincidence! Just yesterday I got tickets to a wine festival - exactly the same thing, a range of world wines, with all you can drink all day long! This gig is at the end of June though. This weekend I have a friend coming up from the country, a regular visitor, and he is coming up for dinner, then taking an early flight on Sunday morning for a work thing. He'll be back again on Tuesday night for a stopover before heading back into the sticks. So, I'm cooking for tonight and I'm sure there will be some 'smoking' done!

I see where you're at with the aqua. When I didn't see mine for 4 months, I eventually emotionally distanced when it was obvious that there was nothing happening there, even though I never thought one ounce of bad of him. When he was back in contact, at the start I wasn't in a hurry to rush to meet him, even though I adored the guy, its just that the 'emotional closeness' and momentum had diluted. I'm so curious to see what happens when your aqua gets back. I mean, mostly, I wonder how he will view things. One thing is for sure, aquas have the capacity to absolutely hit you hard with the unexpected. Your situation is so utterly unpredictable that it is an open field as to what may happen. Totally wide open as to what happens and when. Intriguing!

I was only guessing about the aqua & his changes in appearance, but I sort of guess that maybe it is partly a habit of 'not making an effort', partly confidence in his sexiness as a man, and partly an absence of a certain kind of excitement that sparks life into a person. But I do know that if you're into someone, you make an effort to look good for them. If you're not excited by someone in that way, you don't bother to make any effort at all. For example, my male friend coming over tonight won't be seeing much make-up on me, and I'll probably sit around in pyjama bottoms & a huge sweater for dinner later!


So..have a great weekend, the wine festival sounds like good fun! Catch you soon!

XR

alksdj
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Just checkin' in and seeing what's new. I'm currently out of school and just enjoying my break for the next two weeks. How's everything with you?

s;dk;dldep
by: Red

Hey,

It must be great just having 2 weeks of no school obligations! I hope you're enjoying the break. I’ll tell you how its going here, but it might seem like a strange bi-polar kind of post!

Actually, I went on here a couple of times lately, but ended up deleting without posting, because I couldn't really explain myself properly. I've already said that the aqua has a mad punishing schedule throughout the next few months, so I have been NOT expecting to see much of him. We've been in regular text contact over the last 2-3 weeks since I've seen him, and his texts are usually sweet and affectionate, which has been the case since he spoke to me about seeing each other more - there is definitely a 'different tone' about them.

I've had a strange last couple of weeks though, which I was having difficulty describing. After the last time I saw him 3 weeks ago, I was really missing the guy and just wanted to spend time again. This was coinciding with a stressful workload of my own with just so freakin much to do at work! So, I got totally absorbed into my own work stuff and sorta felt that this is exactly what I should have been focussed on all along. In some way, I felt that I had been putting too much mental and emotional focus on my aquatics, at the expense of being poorly focussed at work. I guess what I'm saying is that I think my aquatic angsty stuff had impacted on my work - hence the big 'catch-up' period. Not good! So, when I was 100% absorbed in that, I noticed that I didn't have the 'space' to worry about when I'd be seeing the aqua, or even missing him. Its felt like a definite shift in focus.

Now, this is not to say that I adore the guy any less - I think he is the most gorgeous man & there is an obvious kind of loving bond between us, but within the last couple of weeks I have been feeling 'less intense' about the whole thing. This in itself has surprised and disturbed me! I think I got almost addicted missing the aqua and getting excited about seeing him etc. Maybe I got used to the emotional rollercoaster part of it, I dunno. But lately, I feel I've really calmed down about it and have not been in any way emotional one way or the other about us. Its a strange feeling. I was also wondering if I have lost some of the stressy/missing him vibe because I now accidentally feel more secure about the situation with him. I really don't know, but an 'accepting' eerie sort of calm ambivalence has descended on me over the aqua. Maybe there is something about the combination of knowing I won't really see him for months, workload and embracing work stress (a good stress for me!), starting to get some reassurance about him etc. have all contributed to my strange form. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, please enlighten me!

ldlfd;pd'
by: Anonymous

CONTINUED...


So, in the middle of all this, I got an unusual text from the aqua a couple of nights ago. I hadn't heard from him for about week and I felt convinced that things were going to go quiet for a while, so it was a surprise. His text was "Hi You! We should go out to dinner some time. Sorry for the random text. X" The thing is that we haven't been anywhere public, so the idea of going out to dinner in a public place is really unusual. I don't know why he apologized for the random text, that must have been something on his mind.

So, in the midst of feeling strangely 'unemotional' about the whole thing, AND absolutely SURE that we wouldn't be seeing each other for a long time because of his tour commitments, I was (and still am) sorta taken aback by it. Going to a restaurant seems such an unusual thing for us to do. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, because I'm also thinking of a conversation we had previously. When we were having a convo about how we felt about each other, at one point I said that I didn’t want to “set myself up to be viewed as some kind of dial-a-fuck”. He reacted pretty strongly to that and was pretty emphatic that it is everything about me, not sex, that is the reason why he wanted to see me more. So I wonder if he is deliberately suggesting something different with that convo in mind.
So, going out for dinner seems like a normal date thing to do, and it has NEVER felt like we have been ‘dating’! So, in the middle of an already-strange outlook about it all, I think I’ve been asked on a date! By the aqua. Whats going on?!!
Not sure how/why my perspective on things is so fuzzy at the moment. Well, you did mention that you wanted to be a psychology student, so there is plenty of material for you to practise on with this post!

asdlk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I don't think you have much to worry about. I think it's ideal to have a sense of detachment in feelings when dealing with aquas. So don't be scared if you feel the intensity is gone...it usually has a tendency to pick right back up again, then taper off just as so. I think after dealing with him for so long....you've gotten use to the long distances and you're finally able to adjust in some subconscious way.

I think it's great he wants to take you on a date! I think it says a lot of about his seriousness towards you....not to mention where he currently is with his wife. I don't think he'd want to parade around town if he was still with her in some serious way. I think it'll be another great way to connect and to experience each other in a new way. I think he's keeping good on his word...and it should be reciprocated as well.

It sounds as if everything is moving forward the way it should. Just keep busy and always maintain your life apart from him regardless of whatever great changes are made between you two. I think it's always important to have a life outside of your significant other, where they're not always included.

Hope you had a great weekend!c

li[o][['io[ik['
by: Red

Hey there,

Thanks for those comments, the perspective is useful! Possibly, part of my issue is that he talked about seeing each other more the last couple of times we've seen each other, but I still don;t feel I see him as much as I'd like. I know he has been craaaazy busy, and for that alone my comments are nonsensical and whiny! No defense there! I suppose I'll just have to sensible-up a bit. Work is massive at the moment, so maybe I'm in need of a balance for the work stress.

I do hope you're right about the intensity picking up again - I could do with a fix! We haven't fixed up a night for the dinner thing yet - I haven't heard from him since, but thats fine - his time is not his own at the moment. Hopeful we'll catch up next week. Thats about my latest! Still confused, but now back to missing him again! I don't know where all this crap is coming from, but I am fighting against it, cos I know its nonsense!!

Hows the holiday time off going?! I sooo appreciate time off, and I know your usual schedule of school & study mean that you'd appreciate the break too. What are you up to with your time?

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you know who is coming back in a few weeks - are you paying any mind to that?

asdk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So, question...have you tried to make definite plans with him yet? I know that I've expressed this a few times and you seemed pretty reluctant each time...but, why don't you try taking some control and just plain ask him out? I can't tell you how many times I had to take the initiative when I was dealing with my aqua. If I had left all our meet-ups to him and his schedule...we would have probably seen each other once every 3 months, literally. Sometimes they need someone to yank them from the clouds every now and then. My aqua definitely set the pace of the relationship...but I had control of when I wanted to see him. I think it was something he left to me...and was fine functioning in the mean time. I think it could be a tactic that you could try, just to see what kind of response you get. I remember I had asked my aqua if he wanted to do something on Fri...and it was a Mon when I asked. Usually, I would text him and see if he still wanted to meet, but this particular time I text him on Fri and told him straight out to be at my house by 8pm. He said ok...and he was there by exactly 8pm. I knew my approach had impacted him in a small way because he mentioned my directness and demand of his time...but not in a bad way, just a way that caught his attention. I never did it again after that...but it was sure funny to see him working thru his mind to see what I was up to.

The intensity thing is also just a frame of mind...and also can be dampened by your own negative thought/doubts or insecurities of the relationship. I can see how your frustrated by the "more time" issue. He suggested spending more time together, but how much time is spent is something you both see differently right now. He has a busy schedule...so obviously he can't cater to his desires right now, but I don't think it reflects on what he said or how he feels towards you. I still think you should try a meet-up before you get comfortable with 'another' prolonged distance.

cont...

cont.
by: Anonymous

I actually don't think aqua is due for another month. If my calculations are correct, last summer when I was in summer school and he was away, I remember he returned somewhere near the middle of the semester. This summer semester hasn't even started yet and doesn't for another week. So I think he isn't due back till July. I haven't preplanned anything about it though. It's pretty much contingent on him reaching out to me, because I'm worn on communication from my side. Other than that...I have no clue.

I was out grabbing lunch and passed this gourmet cookie shop and went in. The guy working the counter was rather cute. We engaged in a little banter because I asked him which cookies where good and he damn near named all of them....so I had to call him on it. Anyway, he ended up giving me a free cookie, on top of a free cookie I already received with my purchase. I couldn't stop thinking about him after I left there. I think I'm going to go back on Sunday to see if he's working and also pick up some cookies for this BBQ I'm going to. I think I might ask him out...but we shall see!

Hope your week went well!

DKLKDL
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Ok, I didn't agree with your advice about asking him out - I initiated some texts less than a week ago, so I felt I didn't want to be texting again so soon. But I ignored that and went ahead and took YOUR advice instead. Well, the intensity is definitely back and the aqua is as keen to see me as I am him! He is abroad for another 10 days or so, and we'll catch up when he's back!

Thanks for that advice, I trusted it more than my own thoughts on things at the moment and you were right, and it was just the right thing to do. In fact, it also made sense about intensity being a frame of mind that can be affected by other things. I'm wasn't really thinking that he had gone back on what he said, because I've known for a while that he won't be around much, with lots of work trips abroad. I guess my form got weirder as my work stress levels went up and up! Coincidentally, in previous times of high-intensirt at work, he as been around as a balance to that, but not this time.

So...the Cookie! Thats a nice story about him giving you a free cookie after a bit of banter! Its obviously not something he can do all day. Also, a great idea to go back for more 'product' for..ahem..a BBQ! So, you get a few butterflies thinking about this guy? Let me know what happens there!

Thanks for great advice, with perfect timing - listening to its message and acting on it sorted my 'attitude problem' out completely and I feel back to normal. Shit, I should send you a cookie just for that!

Have fun on Sunday!

XR

askld
by: Anonymous

Hey...

You're welcome with everything! And thanks as well to you for helping me out with things as well!

So, I just wanted to share that aqua is seeing someone out there. I don't know for how long, but it makes perfect sense looking at his actions towards me while he's been away. I know he has no 'obligation' towards me...but I still found it so odd that NOT ONCE did he reach out to me while he was/is away just to say hi...or just to see how I was doing, breathing even. His reactions to me reaching out to him make it very clear as well...his replies were practically not there...and he never responded past two or even one text message. The signs were there.

I'm not mad or upset by it. I can't really say that I saw it coming or that I didn't see it coming....it just is what it is. I feel deep in my gut that things are done with us...and I suppose I accepted that fact a while ago. But...I thought I should let you know.

I did go over to the cookie store, but it was closed :( Perhaps another day....

Hope your weekend went well!

fjsslf[s
by: Red

Hey,

Well. When I read that post it sort of gave me a dull thump in the chest, so I can't imagine how you felt when you found that out. I must admit that I'm surprised at him, not sure why. I think its a shame that you found out from a source other than him telling you, but some guys are like that. My guess is that if the aqua were in front of you he would say stuff like "its nothing serious, I'm only out there for a short time, its mostly just hanging out etc." and down-play it.
In the aqua's defense, in his own mind, he didn't leave a relationship behind when he left. However, all that talk about wanting to keep in touch, then never doing so is hard to understand. Makes me want to ask - "why the fuck say all that stuff in the first place?! How much time does it take out of his busy schedule to send a text to say 'how's things?'

The main thing though is how YOU feel about it and I'm so glad that it hasn't ripped your heart out and left you suffering. Well, at least you sounded as though you're calmly resigned to it - but is that really how it is for you?

Does this new development mean that you can free up your head a bit, having learned a certain amount ready to apply to a better relationship for you? Do you feel like you can move forward into new relationship with a 'weight off' your mind? Do you feel that the experience to date with the aqua should be allowed to cloud any choices/judgements/decisions you make going forward? Do you feel 'free' from the aqua situation? Is most of the hurt over it behind you?

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. After about 3 months into the 4-month aqua absence I had accepted that things were probably finished and was okay with that. I did think I'd see or hear from him at some point months down the line, but not on the same basis as before. I wasn't in tears upset or anything, just damned confused - it stuck in my head how a guy could say and do some of the things he did and then just disappear. I think that if I had heard that he was seeing someone, or simply gone back to being married, I would have had enough distance from it to be accepting without any fuss, despite the high emotionals over it.

Despite the amount of up & down bi-polar shit we've gone through trying to figure out what the hell is going on with the aquas, they have always consistently implemented enough regular distance for our turmoils to be almost 'illogical'. They are just not emotional creatures, and we just don't 'get' each other in that way.

I'll leave you with your own quote...

"I feel like I can't open the door I really want to go thru without closing all these other doors...does that make sense??

How'd you like that apple, now?

alsdk;
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Yes, when I found out...I had a feeling of dread come over me...followed by massive amount of over-analyzation. His lack of communication started to make sense...among other things. I wouldn't have expected him to tell me about it because he has no obligation to. But yes, it does suck having to find out another way besides him because it leaves so many answered questions.

My calmness about it is real, thanks to the already implemented distance, as well as having been thru similar situations like this a few times with guys. I know how it works, how my thinking will go...where it'll take me...how obsessive you can get about it all. Thanks to my prior experiences, I have somewhat of a grip over myself and my feelings...but I'm not gonna pretend I slept well last night either.

Trust me, I'm not angry about it...nor am I bitter. I'm not surprised by it as well because I knew and accepted all the possible outcomes of him being away. The possibility of another relationship for me has always been there and I've always been open to it...I just wasn't actively seeking it out. My mind hasn't changed...and I know that I can go into one with probably even more openness than if I had not been thru this with aqua. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise....things like this usually are in the long run.

I looked up his game schedule and his last game is June 12 or something like that. I assume he'll be back after that. I'm sure I'll hear from him again...I just don't know when. Hopefully by that time I'll have things situated within myself as to where things won't be awkward and whatever questions I kept asking myself will no longer be relevant.

alksj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So I wanted to check-in and let you know that I'm not doing too well. I haven't eaten a lot...I'm basically force feeding myself what I can bear just for nutritions sake. I'm going to bed super early just so I can avoid my thoughts and the pain...how sad is that? I'm sure the distance made it easier, but it's still very hard...harder than I thought it would be. One good thing is I'm still able to function and get done what I need to in order to keep my life moving forward. I keep reminding myself that with each day it will get easier and more and more irrelevant. However, it's still so very painful.

sa;sw;
by: Red

Ah you poor thing.
I'm sorry, I meant to post to you last night, but I was asked to babysit my small nephew for the night, so wasn't around my computer.
I don't know if you've ever been cheated on before, but I sure have and the effect was to make me feel shit about myself, sort of 'not enough' for the guy. I think that initially, its more shock and numbness to it, then the more it sinks in, the more it actually just hurts. Questions like 'Hmmm, what should I have for lunch?" just don't come up with this, so it is understandable.

Basically, there is a BIG betrayal that has happened to you. Its a major breach of trust and breach of confidence - which is a really serious thing to do to someone. If you are hurting bad, its because YOU SHOULD - this is exactly the kind of situation that hurts a person the most. Getting you to open up and confide, be vulnerable to him, all the closeness, the intimacy, the talks and the feeling you know you both shared (a lot of it at his instigation) - and then it must feel like he's dumped all over that. He has not done that because of YOU though, he has done this because he is immature and inexperienced at handling an adult relationship, with the responsibility to take other people's feelings into consideration and guard them. He doesn't know how to handle relations with a woman, he has huge 'emotional detachment' built into his character, as well as insecurity. None of that is your fault, but it is what you are dealing with, with full force at the moment. And I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

The aqua is very special to you, I totally get and understand that, but he is also a person that engaged in an adult relationship with you, without being equipped to do so. And don't kid yourself he is in any kind of healthy adult relationship with anyone else either. He ain't.

The 'not eating' thing. Let him hurt you, but don't hurt yourself. I know its not deliberate, and there is just no appetite for food at all, but its healing you need, and you'll achieve the opposite by not eating - I know you know this anyway. If you just don't have the inclination to eat, make what you do eat pack a nutritional punch - greens, fruit, protein, nuts - lots of water. Leave out all the shit. I remember one night when I was going through similar, for some reason, I cooked myself an elaborate dinner, despite it being the very last thing I felt like doing. I crafted the presentation of it and made garnishes, sauce etc. and it must have taken a good 2 hours to do. It sorta kept me occupied in something other than "him" and actually ate the thing at the end of it.

continues...

fdgahqa
by: Red

...



This is hitting you harder than you thought, because you never expected this in the first place. I know it doesn't feel right or fair that you should go through this. Part of that is how much you emotionally invested in him, which was driven by the input he gave you - its like a vicious circle of confusion and hurt. Its like "HOW??? could he do this?" - The fact is, he is just not built in a way that makes the link between his actions and consequences for you PP - he's the wrong guy.

Tell me this - what do you actually know about his situation with another girl? How do you know?

I've lots more to say to you on this, but there is something going on here that I need to attend to - so I'll post again later. In the meantime, look me up on Skype of you want to talk about this - my Skype name is...I’ve forgotten if it is 'kmclolly' or 'mclolly' - Ireland. I'm sure I'd have a very different character now if I'd grown up with that as my real name!

Meantime, feel the pain, darlin'. Feel it and focus on it until you can actually verbalize it out loud/on paper - Example: "I feel hurt because he was the one who pushed so hard about keeping in contact, and then fell totally silent on me. I feel hurt because.........." Get it really clear and spell it out - I promise you it will help you to feel better to 'explain it out loud', rather than just 'feel' it.

I'll be back to you later regardless.

XXX

akdlj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm eating a little better, but I still have no appetite...but I'll be ok.

I honestly don't want to talk about it anymore. There's no point to it...I just need to move forward without looking back. I can't sit here and wonder or analyze the situation for what it was, what it is, or what it could've been. You are right...he's not for me and I need to continue realizing and telling myself that because it's so easy to let your desires cloud what's rational and what is most obvious.

I have been cheated on before, and I remember how much it hurt....hurt a lot more because the man was never honest about it. I've been in situations similar to this one right now with past lovers...where they end up meeting someone else during or after me...and are happy. I don't know if you've ever seen that movie "Good Luck Chuck" but I can so relate to that. The results were never in my favor and I know history repeats itself and I don't expect different results this time (no matter how much I secretly wish to be proven wrong)....it would be completely foolish to think otherwise. Don't worry, I don't think of myself as a victim in this...because quite gratefully, looking back...I'm glad things didn't work out between me and those men. I know with time when everything is said and done...I will feel the same way about him. I also know I'll meet someone else down the line and hopefully he will have enough common sense to not let me go, but more importantly he will be the one who is completely right for me.

I don't have Skype...I honestly wouldn't even know how to use it or what exactly you use it for. Funny, I know, considering this day in age. The only thing I have is iChat...but only because it comes stock to my Mac.

Thanks for everything and especially the support. If there's one thing you could do for me it's just pray that I can stay strong and that the best for me will come.

LGLF
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Something in your post made me think of an article I read - this bit... "The results were never in my favor and I know history repeats itself and I don't expect different results this time (no matter how much I secretly wish to be proven wrong)....it would be completely foolish to think otherwise. "

It reminds me of that quote - 'If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got'. I'm going to paste up this article by Dr Christian Carter - but fair warning, its very lengthy & will probably take up about 5 posts. Its a different perspective to get your head around, so you might want to save it until you have better form for it.

Ok...next is his words, not mine - I'll leave you to read through it and wonder what you'll think.

___________________________________________________


Why is it so easy for other women to fall in love with a man, and for their relationships to effortlessly come together and grow...While YOU keep attracting all the men out there who are "unavailable" or who SEEM great at first, but eventually get scared and just can't go "deeper" with you?Is this "unavailable" thing really a problem so many men are carrying around that gets in the way of love?

Or...Could it also be that YOU play a part in finding men who are "unavailable"? Or that you bring about that unavailable RESPONSE inside a man, a response that even the most "evolved" men have lying dormant inside them?

I want to share with you what could be a new and enlightening perspective on all this..
There's an important realization all SMART and LOVING women come to at some point in their love lives. Unfortunately, most women only come to this important realization AFTER they've been through the pain and frustration of doing everything they can think of to "revive" their relationship and failing.

I'll tell you what this REALIZATION is:
It's that when you're with a man who is feeling or acting UNCERTAIN with you - even if you could give him an "ultimatum" that would move things ahead to the place in your relationship that YOU WANT - You're in a very dangerous and "weak" position for your relationship. He's not really making that decision based on what HE wants or feels.

It's a weak position because you really want and need a man who is truly COMMITTED to being with you on a physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual level. Not coerced, not forced, not convinced.COMMITTED. Totally and with all his being.Knowing this, let me ask you...
Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and become loyal, caring, affectionate, etc. just because a woman ASKS THEM?

Or does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS for being and feeling this way? It's a VERY IMPORTANT question.
continues...

2ND
by: Anonymous

If you've had one or more relationships where you were ready for "more"... but the man you were with was seeming to drag his heels, or just not care about your relationship... and you tried to make it work but it only seemed to BACKFIRE - then this question could be one of the most important questions you ever ask yourself.

Seriously. So as a bit of homework, I want you to stop for a second and THINK ABOUT IT...

-Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and become truly loyal, caring, and affectionate just because a woman ASKS IT OF THEM?

Or...

Does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS for truly feeling and being this way with you, if it's going to LAST?


WHERE TO START IN LEARNING ABOUT WHAT MAKES HIM WANT TO COMMIT WITH YOU

Let me be unusually direct with you, for your own good: Have you finally figured out that if you don't know HOW TO GET A MAN TO OPEN UP and talk and share his deeper thoughts and feelings with you... then it's going to be impossible to make your relationship work?

Lots of women think they get how this works because they talk a lot about what's on THEIR MIND. For most women, this is common Communication Mistake #1 in their relationship:
Sharing YOUR FEELINGS first, and often, because you believe this will somehow get him to share his feelings in return. This is not a great way to get a man to "open up" to you and get in touch with his feelings. This is not his "emotional process." Especially with a man you're in a relationship with who is already acting "withdrawn" and has shut off his feelings from you.

This kind of MORE IS BETTER approach about talking and sharing YOUR FEELINGS actually WORKS AGAINST YOU more than it helps you with men who are acting uncertain and withdrawn.

Here's the deal:

If you know anything about a man, then you should know that to get to know HIS FEELINGS, then more talk about YOUR FEELINGS is NOT the answer. Which leads me to common Communication Mistake #2:

Out of all the things that can go wrong in a relationship, I've found one that causes women more pain, frustration, and leads to BAD OUTCOMES with the man in their life than anything else...
I've watched it happen over and over with all the women I know - my friends, my sister, co-workers. I also get TONS of e-mails from women who read my newsletters who write to tell me this all-too-familiar story.
It's the SAME ISSUE that keeps popping up at the beginning of their romantic relationships -
CONTINUES...

3RD
by: Anonymous


EXPECTATIONS.

It's when a woman expects that the relationship will progress to something more committed, but ends up feeling disappointed when she finds out the man doesn't want the same thing.
This problem usually plays itself out in one of two ways. I'm sure you'll identify with one (if not both) of these:
SCENARIO #1: You know exactly what you want out of the relationship, but rather than "rock the boat" by having a conversation in which you make your expectations clear, you decide to WAIT IT OUT in hopes that the man will soon feel the same way and that everything will just "work itself out."
SCENARIO #2: You know exactly what you want out of the relationship but as soon as you get the sense that the guy doesn't share your desires or isn't "on the same page" emotionally, you subtly and unconsciously decide to PRETEND that you're cool with things just being casual, even though you know you need a lot MORE to be happy and content.

Predictably, when you find yourself in either of these two scenarios, it becomes a slippery slope toward ultimate relationship disaster. Here's how this plays out:

First - you start feeling unfulfilled, anxious or worried that you're not getting what you want and need from the relationship

Second- you don't know how to say what you're feeling and what you want in a mature, honest way, so you say nothing at all, or you drop "hints" that are misunderstood or ignored

Third- he doesn't change anything about the way he's treating you or the relationship, and you become frustrated or disappointed with because he doesn't really "get" what's missing and what you want from him

Fourth- your frustration builds up even more and either brings you to an emotionally destructive CONFRONTATION with him that FREAKS him out (like an ultimatum)... or all the silent tension and negative feelings between you make him act distant, disconnected and maybe he even starts losing interest in you
Remember going down this road? Not fun, huh? So what's going on here? And what can you do about it? Stick with me here, and I'll reveal some basic insights about how to get a man on the "same page" about where your relationship is headed without all the drama, tears and frustration.

"CENTER" YOURSELF FIRST... AND GET CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT

What you need to do FIRST, before you do anything else, is get CLEAR about what you want and expect from your love life. You need to be honest with YOURSELF first, before you can be honest with anyone else in your life.

Stop PRETENDING you only want a "casual" fun fling when what you REALLY want is to have a committed, serious relationship that's "going somewhere." Here's the thing: Getting clear about what you want will help guide your mind in all kinds of POSITIVE DIRECTIONS to help you find and attract the right situations and people in your life.

continues...

4TH
by: Anonymous

But, unfortunately, being CLEAR and HONEST is not that simple for most women when "the rubber meets the road" in dating and relationships. The reality is, knowing what they want and expect can turn into a source of EXTREME frustration and anxiety for a lot of women. Why is that? I'll explain…

Expectations can definitely set us off in good directions in our lives... But when we don't feel like we have the CONTROL over how to get those expectations met, the "wheels really start to come off the car", so to speak.

A woman may "feel" like the man she's been dating is "The One" and she can see things getting much more committed and serious, but she also senses she doesn't have the right tools or skills to know how to COMMUNICATE those desires to the man in a positive way. Simply put, the woman is AFRAID that approaching the guy with a heavy "talk" will either scare him away. Or...

She herself doesn't know what "taking it to the next level" really means to HIM, why he would want this, and how to go about talking about it in a way that builds trust and makes him want to open up and share.

So she avoids telling him what she's really thinking and feeling about their relationship.
Instead, she starts to accept or downplay the little disappointments she feels. Until one day she finally wakes up and realizes that she doesn't have the kind of relationship she THOUGHT she would have with this man, and she's just not happy with herself or the situation. And sometimes this "awakening" doesn't even happen until after the man cheats or leaves. Ouch. Hey, I get it.

Men can act more than a little insensitive to all of this, and even act like TOTAL IDIOTS when it comes to appreciating and respecting the great relationship you already have together.

But hang on for a sec... Let's just simplify things and boil it down to that one thing that is the cause of all the trouble and confusion:

FEAR.

The unfortunate truth is that some women don't want to dig deeper into what a man truly wants because of their own fears. They're AFRAID of finding out the truth about what a man truly feels about them, and their future together.

And the most dreaded fear of all...
REJECTION and ABANDONMENT.
These two things are SO STRONG AND POWERFUL that something fascinating happens in the woman's mind when there's even a small potential for either of these.... Their mind starts a cycle of SELF-DECEPTION. Here's how it works...

The fear of pain and loss often leads us to ignore our thoughts and intuition and replace our fearful thoughts with happier thoughts that make us feel comfortable. It's the mind's "emotional defense mechanism." I know you felt this before.



continues...

5TH
by: Anonymous


How many times have you been unsure - deep down - about the man you are seeing, but instead of examining those doubts and finding a way for you to deal with your own feelings, you decided to actually BUILD HIM UP to your friends and family as being a wonderful catch because you didn't want to face some of the problems lurking deep in the back of your mind?

You thought that you'd help things out by telling yourself and having faith in what you wanted to be true....And sometimes, in the process of making up these "new truths" you even start to convince YOURSELF that he's a better guy than he actually is?

Or maybe you've been in a situation where you've gotten no indication that the man you're seeing wants any kind of serious relationship, but you choose to believe that you're building a committed relationship as things slowly and naturally escalate.

Making those assumptions without the basis of direct communication can lead to BIG TROUBLE down the road. Save yourself the wasted energy and the broken heart. If you're looking to move past the fear and insecurity you feel but don't want to get in touch with or let anyone know about, then I'd like to help you get in touch and start the "healing" and growth process.
Remember, a man can't read your mind, or know all that's in your heart. And if you're carrying around pain or fear, it's surely getting in the way of him seeing that beautiful and real you underneath that he would want to know and love.


Now, back to working with your own expectations, and being with a man and discovering how he is feeling. Here's a question that's probably already on your mind...

How can you be sure you're involved with the RIGHT guy, and know how he's feeling, and if he shares your expectations and desires? The answer is HONESTY.

HONESTY is one of the most liberating and valuable traits to develop - and it's even more valuable when you're dating. And guess what else?
It FEELS REALLY GOOD to be completely open and honest. Plus, even when it seems like it would push you and a man apart, it has an amazing way of bringing you closer together and building more love and admiration.

But only if you know how to share your thoughts and honest feelings in a way that SERVES YOU and your relationship. Not all communication is equal. You can MEAN something, but depending on how you share it with someone... it can either be received as loving and "good"... or as NEGATIVE and CRITICAL.

How is what you are feeling being RECEIVED?
And how does this relate to the way you choose to COMMUNICATE what you are feeling?

CONTINUES...

6TH
by: Anonymous

A WAY TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS AND DESIRES TO A MAN THAT HE'LL LOVE AND RESPOND TO

Let me tell you something important that you might have gotten mixed up inside your head as a woman in relationships with men who wouldn't listen...

It's OK to want what you want and to let a man know it. In fact, it's a MUST. And it's OK to tell a man that his behavior doesn't match with what you want. For example...

If a woman is honest and up front about what she wants and expects from a man, in a way that says that she's not too attached to the immediate outcome, and she subtly lets him know that he better have his act together or else.

It can turn the usual "teeth pulling" talk into an opportunity for building attraction and a deep source of commitment with a man. But remember...YOU CAN'T FAKE IT. You have to be in a place where you truly believe that you'll find and meet your expectations for love and relationships, with or without the man who's there in front of you right then. No matter how much you love him.

That means you have to be in the right frame of mind, and state in your heart, BEFORE you start the conversation with him...But most women aren't in the right frame of mind because they're afraid, and they've "tricked" themselves into thinking that their intimate feelings for a man will scare him off. WRONG.

It's not honesty that will scare him off, it's the negative, fearful and anxious "vibe" that you unknowingly give off before you finally EXPLODE because you can no longer hide how you feel from the man you're with. That's what scares some men off or makes them clam up.

The amazing thing is that men crave HONEST women who are up front about who they are and what they want in relationships. The key is to know the RIGHT WAY to communicate these things without going over the top.

Remember, if you communicate with a man in a way that assumes, begs, convinces, or makes him think that you're "entitled" to a relationship and a commitment with him, he will NEVER, EVER respect you and want to stay for the long-term.

You might get what you want in the short- term if he gives in to your wishes just to avoid a conflict, but trust me, you are headed for MUCH bigger problems in the future. Or worse, you'll get what you want NOW, but he's spent the past months - or even worse, YEARS - secretly SEETHING WITH RESENTMENT towards you. Not good.


GIVE HIM A GOOD REASON TO WANT TO COMMIT TO YOU

You just can't "talk" a man into wanting to commit to you by listing all the ways your relationship is special. This is something VERY IMPORTANT to remember when it comes to men and relationships.

**You have to give a man the right "REASONS" for him to want to and make HIMSELF commit.**

continues on 1 more, I think...

LAST
by: Anonymous


Becoming deeply committed doesn't often just happen with the passing of time for a man. He won't want to commit "just because" it's been six months or a year (or longer). He won't commit to you because you explain how you think you're better than all the women he's dated or because you have such a great "connection." Nope, he's going to commit for his own reasons.


So what are these "reasons"? They're very complex if you don't understand them... but simple at the same time. A man's reasons for committing, or not committing, are his FEELINGS and EMOTIONS.
Sounds simple, but it's profound and true.
The "masculine" part of a man has to FEEL like he is naturally and of his own free will CHOOSING to be with a woman. If this happens, his commitment will usually be strong and lasting.

But if he commits because a woman has been talking to him and analyzing things to show him how a relationship really makes "sense", then his commitment won't be strong... and it probably won't last. See the difference? A man's motivations for commitment are how a woman makes him FEEL when he's with her.

If you want him to respond and have committed feelings for you, then you need to do more of the things that will make him FEEL those FEELINGS of desire, interest and attraction that lead him to want to commit.

In other words, WORDS and conversations are the LEAST powerful and effective tools that a woman has when it comes to love and relationships.

The FEELINGS of ATTRACTION that she can create, sometimes without even speaking, are the MOST POWERFUL. If a man feels, through “experience” that he has a better time with you than without you, AND you allow him to come to that conclusion himself (no heavy talks, no emotional pressure, no stress, anxiety or fear)- then he will want to commit to you. Only when he is in that place, when he feels ‘safe’ and truly relaxed with you is he receptive to giving you what you want.

Men have different processes to women, and it’ll pay you to understand that.
ENDS-

dfbgd
by: Anonymous

Heavy enough of a post right now, I know that. I thought you might find it interested though, because it should highlight some things that might be familiar and other things that might give a different outcome going forward with relationships.

Lots to read there - apologies it was so long.

Take care, and do look after yourself.' First you, then relationships' should be the order of things.

XR

aslkd
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I've read what you wrote and I'm a little too overwhelmed right now to respond. I just wanted to let you know that I wrote aqua some encouraging words a few days ago on Facebook because I heard he was down about a game played. Anyway, I know he read it and I received no response from it. I know it shouldn't matter...but I guess it does considering the circumstances as of now. I think this should answer all questions I or we have....

adskl
by: Anonymous

God, the difference a couple of hours can make!

I've realized how much I need to ACCEPT things as they are. I've been waaay too heavy into this whole situation when me and him aren't even together!!!!! I have no reason to be hurt, sad or in pain over him because we have no relationship together!! I knew that before and I KNOW that now....but damn, when your feelings grab a hold of you...they COMPLETELY cloud your mind.

I realize that he made a big deal about keeping in touch while he was away because he knew as long as that happened...there would still be the possibility that I would be here for him because I wouldn't forget him. However, I think HE made it into something bigger than he realized because when he got there...he didn't have time to worry about it with the novelty of his surroundings overwhelming him. Also, I think he realized that by making an effort to keep in touch...we would be opening that door for obligation and responsibility towards each other, something he obviously was never ready for to begin with. I have a feeling that's also part of the reason he completely ignores and brushes off my reaching out to him....he doesn't want the feeling of obligation even when he's not the one initiating it. He wants to be completely left to do his own thing...with his playing ball, living his life out there...without having to feel guilt or disloyalty to someone....so it's much easier to ignore it all together.

I realize he's seeing someone out there...and I can't be mad or hurt because he's not mine. I realize that this person may hold his heart and he may have genuine feelings for her...but I can't fear it or feeling rejected by it. I ACCEPT the fact that he is doing what makes him happy...and I can't be upset by that because his happiness is important to me. I want him to be happy....plain and simple.

The only thing I can do is love him. Love him for the person he is and the place he has in my life....whether it be lover, friend, or anything in between, below, or above. I ACCEPT him into my life the way he is meant to be. In a way that I can't control and will not try to control.

I know I'll hear from him again, but I know it won't be as soon as he gets back because he doesn't want to feel obligated or that responsibility. He's gonna wait till he feels settled in and things have passed over. Either way, I know that me and him will always be great friends and have a certain special connection between us two...and I ACCEPT that.

alskdj
by: Anonymous

I also wanted to add...that for the first time, I've realized how happy I am with my life. I've accomplished such great things and I feel so very blessed that I see how important it is to be happy with yourself and your own life. I can honestly say that I feel that now...and I think this situation has helped me to realize that. I am genuinely happy and excited about my life...something I have NEVER felt!

So, regardless of what happens to me...I know I have a steady and stable foundation built on happiness that comes from inside me and not something that is artificial or temporary. I think it was very important for me to see and experience this...one of those scorp transformations that we're known for.

That being said, I love the aqua for who he is and will ALWAYS adore him...but if things aren't meant to be...than oh well, and I don't mean that in a mean way. I want him to be happy...just like I know that I deserve to be happy. Sometimes it's not meant to be with each other...and that's OK. I'm also not mad that he didn't respond to my latest message because regardless, my message was sent out of love and it's out there...whether for his eyes, or in the universe just floating around - and that is something that I won't be mad at that.

;aorj
by: Red

Hey,

I'm glad you posted up again on this. It takes a while to work through things and the perspective fluctuates until it settles on something that feels right. You know it feels right, because you get peace again. If you find that you feel low about it, also know that this will change.

With my aqua, (and as a 1st for me) it is nice to appreciate, like & love a person for how they are, WITHOUT ANY ATTACHMENTS TO OUTCOMES. The last bit is the real difference between him and other ‘relationships’. I think that this has a lot to do with my age, as people’s outlook just matures with time. I've sort of gotten used to a situation with him where, each time I see him, I thought it a real possibility that I might not see him again for months, years, or if ever. I have often thought that if I didn't see him again, I'd be happy with the way things were left - and absolutely no regrets. Not a single one.

I think its really good for you with the aqua, but especially going forward in your relationships to NOT have any premature attachment to outcomes. Its not just you, women in general go through shit over this. And it always ends up hurting the woman who attaches expectation and outcomes to new relationships. ‘Chill out and hang out’ always works better.

The guy whose article I posted is right to point out that men don't "feel it" just because a woman does. Men don't want a relationship just because the woman decides she wants that. They have their OWN reasons for deciding whether to be in a relationship, which is a conclusion they come to in THEIR own time, because of THEIR OWN thought/emotion processes - not the womans'. It does make absolute sense that you can’t force someone to be in a relationship just because YOU want it. Similarly, nobody has the right to ‘punish’ someone for not wanting a relationship with them. He was also right to say that the biggest place where women go wrong is EXPECTATION.
I hope you’re okay – there was something in your post that reminded me of that old movie ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ when you talked about loving the aqua, sending him messages that he doesn’t reply to etc. The line in that film was…
“So, if HE’s chasing HER, and YOU’RE chasing HIM….WHO is chasing YOU?”

I hope all the intensity calms down so that you do get back to your normal vibrant self, without all the heaviness of the last few months of stress and emotional turmoil over the aqua. If he isn’t giving you a second thought, what is your gain in hanging onto those feelings for him? What do you get out of that?

This is another of those posts I’m hesitant about uploading, because of some of its content. But I’ll post it anyway, and I’m sure you’ll put me back in my place if needs be.
Well take it easy & take care. Is your appetite back?

XR

aslkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Of course I don't mind the comments.

I know exactly what you mean about expectations. More importantly, I'm learning that people need to be enjoyed in the moment. Don't worry, I'm not waiting for him and I'm still moving on. The comment I made regarding not being mad about him writing back was not excusing his non-response. I still think it's very loud and clear the message that he's sending, but I'm purposely choosing not to be mad or upset about it. Things between me and him are O-V-E-R, but I will always be open to having him as a person in my life.

I went out last night with some girls and had a lot of fun. I realized how great my life is and I never really seem to get a good grasp around that concept and I think it's important for me to do so. I think that's a lesson I need to take from this. I start school next week, so it will also be good for me to get my life moving in some way. The vacation is over...and it very well need be. I don't like having too much down time...especially when it's not being enjoyed like it should. My appetite is back but not full swing. I'm sure it'll get there in no time.

RKRKRKRKDFKDF
by: thrw

Hey,

Busy couple of days here. A friend of mine, an ex (dull boyfriend, but an absolutely brilliant friend!) has been preparing to leave the country and move abroad for an amazing work opportunity. So, I've been helping out, hanging out and seeing him off. We have been hanging out solidly for years, so its kinda sad to see him go, except that its such an overwhelmingly good thing for him, that I'm gonna try not to be selfish enough to miss him - if that makes sense.

The aqua is back sometime this week, but has been away for 2 crazy intensive weeks, so it remains to be seen how he is about things. I have a lot going on at the moment, so it'd suit me not to hear from him for the next couple of weeks, as I have a lot to organize, including a road trip across 3 countries over 3 days. That will be hectic, but good fun, I think! So, that would make it quite a gap of time since last time I saw the aqua, so we'll just have to see how that is when/if it happens.

Hows the form? School tomorrow, so that will give you a lot to push you forward and 'normalize' the things you have to apply your focus to, no?

I hope you're well and good luck getting the head back into school this week!

XR


askj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Well it sounds like you have some interesting time ahead of you with the trip and all. How hectic to be everywhere in 3 days! Although I would love to do something like that, even if it isn't for pleasure.

Yes, school starts tomorrow and I'm actually excited about it. This month actually is turning out to be a busy month for me - bridal shower, bachelorette party, bday bbq, pro baseball game, friend in from outta town...all stuff in good fun and couldn't have come at a better time...I feel very lucky! My appetite is back and I'm eating the standard meals...no force feeding.

My emotions are still all over the place, but I'm trying not to control them and just allowing myself to feel what I need to - the good, the bad, and the very ugly. I figure it's healthier this way than trying to force yourself to feel something you don't, and also not repressing things which is never good. I've also been reminding myself that no matter what I feel, I can't act impulsively and must keep moving forward.

That being said, I think I'll be alright. I got a busy month ahead and I'm approaching this with as much emotional health as I can!

bdsbhasaw
by: Red

Hey,

I really think that you'll be enjoying yourself this month! Lots going on for you, and you're right, the timing is great. School also adds a lot to the equation too. I hope that you'll just be far too busy to feel bad.

So, my friend left on Sunday and I miss him already! I'm also so excited about his work opportunity and just know that its so good for him. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy, he really deserves all the good things that London has to offer.

The aqua also came back from his trip. I've been feeling a little distant from him because I haven't seen him in a few weeks and he surprised me by calling me the day after he got back from a long haul. I sent him a text a couple of weeks ago asking if he was around the following week. He replied saying he was abroad, but we'd definitely catch up when he got back 2 weeks later. I guess I'm surprised that he seems to be following through on making efforts to see each other more often. It sounds sad, but I almost feel like its too good to be true. I think I still have the whole 'distance' programming with it all.

He came over, absolutely exhausted and muscle aching from his trip. I've also had an intensive couple of working weeks, plus all the organizing for my friend leaving the day before - so we were as tired as each other and decided to stay in and have a very gentle kind of evening. I made the effort to cook a nice dinner, which he really appreciated (he said he had no food in his house since he was only just back) and we drank lots of wine all evening until late. In fact, I ended up drinking too much and was sick! So, midway through watching a movie, I told him I'd thrown up, my head was spinning a little and I had to go and lie down. I told him to chill out and carry on with the movie and made my apologies. So now I saw a side to him I'd never seen before. He was exceptionally & unbelievably kind and caring - the most I've ever experienced from someone in that situation. He took me to bed, put the covers on me, got me some water, laid down on the bed and stroked my hair for a bit and said he'd be back to join me as soon as the movie finished. I had to get up to be sick a couple of times more, and he came out each time and 'put me to bed' in the same way. He came back soon enough as soon as the movie finished and went straight into 'cuddle mode' and remained that way for the night. I remember him telling me he loves me before I fell asleep.

Now, there are a couple of reasons I have gone into so much detail.

continues..

kksls;alo
by: Red

Firstly, the wedding ring was back on! I never mentioned it, mostly because its really not an issue for me at all (cold as that sounds). Still, it is a bit of a mystery! Second reason for the detail is because what aquas do best is disappear absolutely at random. When things get close, off they go. And also, aquas are notorious for falling out of love as easily as they fell in - the exact opposite to Scorps. So, I described the evening as it was to help explain how its pretty hard to resist being TOTALLY in love with the guy and wanting more of the same, which means more of his time. So you can see how this kind of stuff has the potential to really blow up in my face if he 'pulls an aqua'. Back to those rapids again! I'm not feeling any fear, I'm strangely relaxed and accepting of how this is looking like it could give me a big drop, because of how big into the guy I am. An evening like last night, and seeing that genuinely caring side of him is only intensifying my feelings more and more, so I'm manoeuvering myself into quite a vulnerable position here.

Like I said, I'm not in any kind of 'fear' about it all going wrong - if it does, it does. But, I'm now intrigued as to what could happen with things. One possible outcome is poetic justice for messing with a married man. Another is that the distances would be harder. Interesting state of play at the moment.

Again, I thought before posting about whether some of this post was insensitive, given what you have been going through - and again decided to post anyway. I hope that okay & that you're well.

Take care, as always!

XR









asdkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Hmmm...interesting that the ring is back on. Do you think perhaps he puts it on out in public to avoid rumors of a break up or separation? Also, where is his actual place of residence...is it there where you are, or somewhere else? I think that helps with understanding how he could invite you over to his place knowing he's married, unless he has multiple properties. I guess there wouldn't be no fear...that is the worst feeling and I'm glad that you don't feel it. I don't think you should, because regardless of the ring he's still coming around and making true to his word.

I find it interesting that you say aquas are easy to fall in love just like they are easy to fall out of love. I've found this same thing to be true, but then I've meet aquas who can move on physically...but their heart can't let go and stay true to only one person. My aqua gf has been with her scorp bf for I think going on 10 years now. However, when they first met...it was a great first 6 months...then afterwards they only saw each other once every month...if that! Mind you this was not due to the aqua's choice, it was the scorp who kept the aqua at a distance and he NEVER reached out to her or communicated. Broke her poor heart. This went on for years! The aqua could not let him go for some reason, even with her dating others and experiencing other men in the mean time. Her heart was locked on him! Needless to say, he came around and they're still together today. I've had a similar story with an aqua guy I dated back in the day. He had been broken up with his gf for years, dated other women...had relationships, but admitted he only loved his ex and still loved her despite them living in separate states and never talking again. Guess it differs case by case.

cont..

cont
by: Anonymous

Anyway, I have something to admit to you. Please don't judge me and try to understand my logic. When I said that aqua was seeing someone out there....it's not info that I heard word of mouth. I went onto his FB page and noticed this girl making comments that I felt a girl would only make if interested in someone and seeing them. I mean she was acting protective of him with his playing football and him being tackled. Why so protective you know? She was even fraternizing with his sister about this (as his sis is also protective of him) and they don't even know each other....yet they are now FB friends. She made a statement to his sis, "That's so funny because I said the same thing last night." (in response to his sis being protective of his playing football). I know they hang out...it's obvious, and she obviously feels comfortable enough to make statements on his page...statements that are borderline 'marking territory'...or at least that's how I see it. Other people that go to his games will leave comments stating they're going to his game, as well as "Don't forget the gorgeous _______ will also be there." Why are people announcing her presence? She has also made comments about girls on his page, "Quite the fan club you got here ;) LOL. Have a safe trip #7!"


Do you get the jist of why I felt how I felt??

So, when I saw all this...I knew that he was seeing her on an intimate level but how intimate...I don't know. I know I could be totally overreacting, but I don't think I am...I know there's something there between them, you can sense it on her part. It's hard to get a sense of how he feels about her or her comments because he never replies to them or acknowledges them. The only people he seems to communicate with on FB are his sisters and his boys. But you can't read too much into that either because, well...he doesn't seem like a big communicator in general. Anyway, couple this with the fact that he doesn't communicate with me and you can see why I felt how I did. The reason I never mentioned it to you was because I knew that you would try to convince me otherwise and basically tell me I was overreacting. I kind of wanted you to see his page for yourself because you would be an outsider looking in.

cont..

cont
by: Anonymous

I know you're probably rolling your eyes, because honestly...just reading it myself makes it seem so immature and petty. Feel free to unleash whatever judgements you want...don't worry, I won't take offense :) So...I never mentioned it again because I also wanted to move on from him, but I knew your convincing me of overreacting might sway me to not move on...make sense? I felt that if I knew or believed that there was someone else...someone that he liked...then I could move forward even having to deal with pain that was unneeded. I was almost trying to psyche myself out.

However, I'm finding it extremely hard to just let go. No matter how much I tell myself to move on...there's a big part of me that's waiting for him to get back and to base my decision from there. I feel like I want to see how things are when he returns - will it be the same, will it be better, will it be worse, will it be indifferent....you know? But then I keep telling myself that I have my answer already based on his lack of communication How can someone really care about you but go 5 months without a single peep? I just, I don't know what to do....it's so confusing.

I know I need to lay off the emotional heavy stuff....and I know that regardless he's not mine to claim. But I have feelings for him....what can I say? Anyway...let me stop rambling. I just needed to get that out.

cont
by: Anonymous

What do you think I should do? I guess I'm scared that when he returns things won't be the same and have basically been forgotten. It feels that way already....

kjflow;
by: Red

Hey,

I completely understand how devastating those FB messages must have been. It would disturb and upset the hell out of me to see similar - especially added with the big silence and distance thing. I don't think you were overreacting at all, no eye-rolling going on and no "judgements" - and I certainly don't think you're immature or petty! If anything, reading about the kind of stuff she was posting, AND becoming FB friends with the aqua's sister annoyed me - thats just smarmy and a bit sycophantic. Yeah - upsetting and invasive. And sort of irritating (I'll explain that later).

My friend whose husband cheated on her keeps a close eye on the 'other woman's' FB to try and work out what is happening there. Its totally understandable and actually helps in a way I can't explain either.

Thing is, my interpretation of the comments on you aqua's FB is completely different to yours. Want a run-down?!

She has a crush on him and wants his approval - and attention.
She is trying to befriend the sister to get herself 'into the fold' - a classic move for an attention-seeker.
She really doesn't know him at all - she is just talking about football stuff - information that is in the public domain, not personal stuff.
She sounds like a fan with a crush - and thats a crazy breed of woman, sort of heavily deluded.
She sounds excited/excitable that she has some kind of proximity to him, and wants to give the impression that she is somehow close to him.
She is trying to mark territory - like some animal pissing over something to deter others.
Being "friends" on FB doesn't mean fuck! It isn't real - the sister is no friend of hers.
There is a difference between "hanging out" and "hanging around" - I think she does the latter. Footballers attract this kind of stuff.
That comment.."don;t forget the gorgeous _____ will also be there" sounds like pure sarcasm, like his friends are poking harmless fun at the aqua because they know she has a crush etc.
The aqua is not encouraging this at all. There is absolutely no evidence that this is the case. I bet he is embarrassed by it, hence his friends ribbing him over it.
He probably had some kind of conversation with her, and now she is starstruck and thinks she's in love or something.
'Acting protective of him" ?! Thats what 'fans' do. Her stuff doesn't sound like genuine 'friendship' stuff, more like 'hero worship' stuff.
She is disingenuous - nothing 'real' there and aquas aren't impressed by that.

"when I saw all this, I knew he was seeing her on an intimate level" - Um...no you don't!! Thats more imagination that knowledge.

She sounds like she is fawning all over him, and aquas can see through that shit, flattering as it might be at the start.




LD;PEP
by: Anonymous

Now, none of the above is "judgements", nor a sneaky way of telling you I think you are over-reacting. That shit on his FB page has gotta hurt, and I really get why. My aqua is a rockstar and I've seen this kind of shit before - girls posting up on the band's FB and leaving fawning messages. A lot of her content sounds familiar. Stuff like that caring protective thing - I've seen stuff like " "i'm sooo sorry you hurt your arm at the gig, hope you feel better soon xxxx." - lots of fans leave XXX, see you guys soon" type stuff on FB. They get a thrill out of feeling close. They also post stuff like "great to see you the other night - you were great xxx" etc. They think that if they leave complimentary & 'caring' stuff on the Fb they are somehow being a 'real friend'.

My aqua was talking one night about how weird it is that strangers think they know him, and even though it can be irritating, he can't be seen to be rude or dismissive of fans. It goes with the territory. Your aqua sounds like the kind of guy who likes having good intelligent conversations, and that girl doesn't exactly sound like a mind-stimulator. Sex is not the number 1 priority thing for aquas, there absolutely has to be an intellectual connection first. She sounds like a bimbo. I think better of your aqua than to go for it. And IF they were in a "relationship", none of her posts sound like the kind of stuff that shows that. It totally sounds like she is an excitable fan to me. I'm not trying to convince you of this, it just all sounds pretty familiar and 'standard' stuff to me. And it sure doesn't equate to a relationship.

It also sounds like you and the aqua are now in exactly the same position - with that previous text thing - "wtf am I supposed to do surrounded by guys hitting on me?" - remember that?! Heres the thing, I am sorta glad that you're wanting to get clarification from him when he gets back. And he is coming back and you two WILL get together to clear the air. The truth is that neither of us "have answers based on lack of communication" - we both think we have/have done, but they proved us wrong. LISTEN to what he said - ie. that he doesn't feel its right to get into a relationship when he knows he is going away for 5 months. Also, aquas have their own crazy logic for these distances that we will never be able to properly understand. So, I don't think you have any of the answers about that, my friend.

Anyway, bottom line, no wonder this upset you so goddam much, I can understand how those FB messages hurt like a twisting knife, especially in the absence of ANY reassurance to the contrary. I think you should do what the aqua has done, and that is to 'Press the Pause button' on the whole situation and have some confidence that you'll both have the opportunity to work things out when the time is right. It won't be long, but in the meantime - 'do' the month of June! Make sense?!!

Go be very nice to yourself, you!

XR

asdij
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Thanks for the break-down and your interpretations of things! In all honesty, when I first started going on his FB page after he left I noticed her but genuinely thought it was just a friend that lived here because she 'seemed' so in the circle, plus I didn't really care too much to go digging into things. Well, when I went on recently I started paying closer attention to her posts and I realized that she lived where he played ball! I noticed that they didn't become friends until a little after he got there...and as I kept reading her posts I kept thinking to myself, "Why is she trying so hard?" It really did seem like she was trying to thrust herself into his life...also by befriending his sister - this is what got to me the most...that and the fact that his sis was fraternizing back as well. From what I understood...his sis is pretty overprotective of him, so I figured she would have 'got' this girl for what she was! I think this was a big factor that lead me to believe that he had something more serious going on with her. Although, I guess what his sis does is pretty irrelevant.

I know you seem to have faith that the aqua won't buy into her antics...but I guess I'm a little more cynical because, well...I have feelings and I know that even pro athletes fall for this shit. The aqua is way too nice and accepting to view her as a fanatic groupie. He probably thinks she is a friend who supports him and is completely harmless. He would never write her off like us scorps would. We can smell bullshit a mile away, and I don't know about you...but I hate having people feel as if they can manipulate me into anything by insincere gestures! Even though I took their 'relation' and made it into something more, I completely agree that when I was reading her posts...she came off as a groupie that hides behind the facade of a "friendship." I just wasn't sure if I was the only one who saw it...

Anyways, thanks for your words...they actually did make me feel a little better. Not because you were telling me what I wanted to hear (not that you would do that anyway), but because my suspicions about groupie were substantiated in some way. You were right about a lot of what you said and I will be enjoying my month of June. A 'pause' on things is definitely needed!

lswlke
by: Red

Hey,

I'm glad you can see it!! That girl has more of a relationship with her computer than the aqua. The rest of it is in her head. I saw a pic of the aqua with his arm around some woman, both smiling for the camera. She had her arm tightly around his waist, and he had his arm around her shoulder - he looked happy.

It was part of a series of pics all taken in the same place, on the same spot. The next one was the aqua with the same woman on one side, and a guy on his other side. This time, the aqua had his arm around each of their shoulders, and they each had an arm around his waist. The aqua had EXACTLY the same happy expression on his face, like he never moved! There were a sequence of pics taken that had all sorts of people wanting their pics taken with him, and regardless of whether they were male or female, older or younger, he had the same broad smile and his arm around their shoulders. Most of the people in the pics looked really excited and happy.

Had I just seen one pic, of him and the woman, it could have looked a certain way. But I know what the aqua is into, and she wasn't it! I also know that he (like your aqua) doesn't 'dismiss' people the way we do and is friendly, chilled & personable with just about anybody. Its a question of having some faith in WHAT YOU DO KNOW about the aqua, who he REALLY connects with and what pushes his buttons. You have every right to be comfortable with what you DO KNOW and its okay to tell your own insecurities to fuck off! So, seeing the pic with the aqua and the woman actually made me smile too, and I thought what a lovely guy he is and how nice he is to his fans. I'm not being naive, I just know what I know about him. Maybe 10 years ago I would have been as jealous as hell, based on insecurity, imagination and lack of faith in the person.

Being chilled and understanding spreads a certain kind of vibe to the aqua - being insecure and jealous also sends out vibes. My (unsolicited) advice would be to just have faith in him, yourself and your own dynamic, and don't even spend a second expecting him to sort out your own insecurities about things you don't even know. Just go with what you do know. I'm thinking that if I had only seen one pic of the aqua with his arm around some woman, then worked myself up into a state and then 'confronted' him in that state, it'd would be unnecessarily destructive- hugely so - and all with no 'substance' behind it at all, despite the photographic 'evidence'. Just see that these things can be deceptive, despite what you think you're looking at. Your aqua has done nothing wrong here.

Oh, this post got a little heavy! Its the month of June and you have lots to do & enjoy - so you know what to do! Take care! XR




askdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Yea I know what you mean. Sometimes looks can be deceiving...and usually you're deceiving yourself. I wouldn't dare say anything to him about it. First, it's not my place to....second, it's all irrelevant at this point. I know it's not his job to work out my insecurities and what they can manage to conjure up inside me.

I don't know, it's weird...lately I've been feeling extremely calm about everything. It's a bit ironic that the closer the date approaches for his return...the less urgency I feel about seeing him. Perhaps it's just a temporary feeling, or maybe I've just become so use to his absence and distance now. I mean, it has been 5 months!

Anyway, I went to a bachelorette party last night and it was loads of fun! We were at a club and had to do a scavenger hunt for random things, one of them being to get a condom from a guy. Well, I swear I asked just about every guy there, and only one guy had one!! He also turned out to be the best looking guy there as well. I also heard some very inexcusable reasons for not having one. More than a few guys stated they don't use condoms! My reply was, "Ewww, that's pathetic and you should be ashamed of yourself." I know it's kind of harsh...but are they serious? I can't believe someone would even own up to that. I'm not a judgmental person....but this is just bad business.

Well I'm off to a bbq now. Hope your weekend went well!

fbvqr
by: Red

Hey,

Its interesting you should say that you're calm about seeing the aqua after that amount of distance - I was the same after 'the big silence'. When he was back in touch, I didn't feel any urgency or hurry to meet up. Then all of a sudden, I really did want to. Strange!

I looked at my original opening post here today. At the end of it, I asked about 12 questions that I came on here to ask for help in answering. Now, I have the answers to every one of those questions - partly because of your insights, comments and perspectives, and partly because time has gone past and things have played out. So, technically, I have gotten all the clarity I wanted - but in reality, I'm more confused than ever! I think I have a new set of questions, but I'm not sure what they are. (Sorry, its one of those posts!)

How is it that I can spend such perfect times with the aqua, which I know he feels too, but there is such 'lack of continuity' between those times?! I've never been in a situation before where the guy goes so quiet on me between meeting up and I still find it hard to fathom, even with what we know about aquas. In some ways, it was a lot easier when he wasn't around! I know he has been busy with work, but still - not a peep in a week. I still find it too difficult to work out, especially since the vibe is so close & easy.

I think I'm starting to do that irrational emotional thing where I'm thinking about the dude the whole time - not good!! My rational head knows the guy has been away, and will be going away lots over the summer, but I would still like him to close the gap of going weeks without contact. I think I might talk to him about that next time. IF there is a next time! If I do discuss it with him, it'll be the first time I've ever initiated 'a talk' with him about us. Do you think I should? Or keep playing it cool and sort out my crazy emotionals privately?

Now, you sound like you're having some fun there. I thought your condom story was very funny. Going around a club asking every guy for condoms?! What were we saying about how things are not as they seem?!! Glad you had a blast!

Sorry about the aqua-crazy nature of the post. I'm afraid it won't be my last. I went aqua nuts up & down over my 4 month distance, so I'm glad that your big gap is coming to an end there and some calm is restored. Other socializing is definitely good!

XR







asdiou
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I know what you mean...when they scorps aren't adapt to handling aquas distance, they are so right! It REALLY boggles my mind...even though I know that the distance is more fear driven on their part. That's about the only understanding I can get from it. However, I'm not sure that the distancing act is appropriate for a more serious relationship with an aqua...if you know what I mean. I know it's not something that lasts forever...and it shouldn't for any healthy full blown relationship. Kim Kardashian's new fiance is an aqua...and he wifed her up in 6 months! Obviously not all aquas are alike!

I think in your situation you have to remember that he's married. Other than work...I don't think you're going to get any real understanding of his distances until you really know what's going on with him and his marriage. It could be work and him having to spend QT with his wife that causes prolonged absences...IF their marriage is still intact..or even if it's not, you just don't know. I'm not saying to ask him about it or even to bring it up...but just to have that understanding somehow I think would help. How to get it, I have no clue!

Rather than having a 'talk' with him about spending more time...why not just try initiating more get togethers? I know it'll take more effort on your part, but I think it beats having to verbally demand more time from him. It lets him know that you want to see him more as well, and you're comfortable enough to just ask to see him. I think only after you've made an effort to see him more with no results should you have a 'talk' about it, because then it's warranted being that he made the suggestion previously as well. It would be kind of silly to ask about the distance...and then for him to shoot back, "Well if you wanted to see me, all you had to do was ask." Just a thought...

You and I both know these times of calmness and crazed emotions come in waves. I don't know if it's a scorp thing because we're already emotional and moody....or if biologically our bodies can't sustain a particular emotion all the time. Yes I'm calm now, but I still have doubts on whether the aqua will even reach out to me when he returns! I have a feeling that IF he does, it won't be till a while after. I can't help to feel this way after his non-communication while he's been gone. Seriously, it's the most logical thing to feel given his behavior.

Just try to keep yourself busy and get lost in your work. He'll reach out when he can and for his own reasons. Not all is lost.

GJIUGTJ
by: Anonymous

Hey,

How you doing?! Thanks for your words and advice. I dunno whats up with me the last couple of weeks, maybe a manifestation of stress at work and also my close friend leaving. Actually, I'm surprised the latter hit me as hard as it did - I miss the guy massively, because we'd see each other every couple of days and speak every day. So maybe its all that which has manifested in aqua angst - either way, its been a stressy time for me lately. Also, the vibe with the aqua just seems to feel closer and more amazing every time, and then when he goes, its like it never happened at all, which feels really strange. Its like we're close when we spend time, then like worlds-apart strangers when we don't! - does that make sense? Of course you know what I mean :o/

I didn't agree with your advice (again) to reach out to him. I sorta feel like I've been snubbed by doing that before, and I feel that he should put some effort in if he wants to see me, otherwise it just feels like I'm chasing like an idiot. So (again), I put my gut instincts to one side and instead took your advice (again) - and I'm really happy and grateful to say that you were right (again) - and that it was the right thing to do. I texted him asking him if he was around and wanted to do something on sunday. He replied 'Absolutely' and suggested taking me out to see a band - a big deal, as its an intimate gig with a big name that has been sold out for ages. I am really delighted that he's suggested it. I see it as quite a gesture on his part and I'm excited to go - I think its just the cheer-up I needed. So thank-you again for your advice - at crazy times like these, it really makes a positive difference to me here.

Why do we do this shit to ourselves? You do it & I do it - we just drive ourselves crazy over these guys. Are we just built that way, in the same way as aquas are built with their quirks and unfathomable personalities? I can't understand the distances at all and it comes out as insecurities. Every time though, I have complained to you, not the aqua. I'd like to offer my 'sound-boarding' services to you for the same whenever you need - but hey, you know that anyway. I think its best to 'do the crazies' away from the guys.

On to you though - I hope that the rollercoaster you've been on has ultimately had a leveling effect. I think that when your aqua comes back, you're right that he will hesitate for a while before getting in touch. But...I think his motivation will be fear. He won't know how you feel about things and will perhaps be unsure how to approach things. Maybe he'll need you to do the reaching out. Your advice to was the same, and I really disagreed and thought I shouldn't have to - but it turned out you were right. Something to think about.

Take care!

XR








askldj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Well I'm glad that you'll soon be seeing your aqua! These "gut instincts" you refer to I think serve more for self-preservation than any real instincts that may be had towards the aqua. We scorps are very guarded and do anything we can to protect ourselves...and that includes whatever vulnerabilities we have. I don't think at this point that you are "chasing" the aqua...this is a phase that you two have both moved passed. I feel now it needs to be about letting yourself feel comfortable enough requesting time from him because I think it's appropriate to do so at this point. I know how you feel about being snubbed, but I don't think you should let that effect how things are NOW. Guaranteed that you'll be snubbed again...or at least feel that way. However, how you feel doesn't mean it's the truth, and I'm learning that our egos tend to play a big role in creating these false insecurities that have little basis for what's real.

As for my aqua, I think you're right when it comes to his reasonings for perhaps not contacting me right off. I was actually thinking the exact same thing because, well...I feel the same way. I don't know how it'll be to see him again...if I'll feel the same, will he feel the same, will it be awkward? You just don't know...and it's almost as if you'd rather avoid it all together than to deal with it. I think you were right also in that there was a lot to think about after my text and mentioning other men. I actually was thinking about it and if you put that statement together with the other statement I made of "You do you and I'll do me." It's almost as if I'm saying, "I meet someone that I'm interested in and I'm going to do what I want." I'm almost positive that that's how he took it all in context.

Regardless, I'm not going to punish myself for making those statements, although I wish I never had. Mind you this is just assuming that my text statements are playing a part in anything. I apologized to him for it and received no response (which is understandable), I reached out and said hi to him afterwards, then again a couple days later to tell him I missed him, then again to give him some encouraging words for ball. I honestly feel there isn't much more for me to do...or even that I can do at this point. I'm not going to reach out to him again when he returns. It's completely up to him how things turn out or if we speak again. Given everything, I feel I've made an effort to let him know that I'm still here. If this is where things end...then I accept that, I really do.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

Don't worry, things still feel calm on my part...but I'm to the point where I'm more concerned with moving on than whether or not we'll see each other. I'm not even sure things are even salvageable. With the texts, misunderstandings, no communication, distance...it's all just a big mess. To the point where I'm asking if it's even worth it.

Anyway, I have a question...do you work out or do anything physical? I ask because I started jogging again after a year break because I hurt my achilles and never got back into it. I know it sounds very cliche, but I totally understand why people jog or workout to relieve stress! It totally clears your mind! I don't know what it is, but all you think about is running, your muscles working, your breathing, pushing yourself a little harder. Then afterwards you're thinking about letting your body cool down, etc. I swear, for a good couple days my mind was back to thinking about the most random things. You know when you're completely single and you're not dating anyone or worried about anything that stresses you, and your mind is able to wander and think about whatever it wants with no interruptions? Well, that's how I felt. Just thought it might work for you as well...on the days where you really need a release.

Well hope your weekend is going well!

asdkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So I just wanted to update you on a few things. I went to this pro baseball game last night and in the mean time had time to think about some things, and I honestly felt that I was just ready to let things go...no bullshit. However, I just wanted to be sure that that's what I really wanted so I text the aqua. We had a friendly exchange and mostly just talked about his football. I purposely asked when he was coming back in town and his response was, "I don't know, I might be playing for the AFL. I really just don't know." The AFL is another football league...I guess you could say that it's a better league to play for than the one he's playing for now. Anyway, I found his response a little funny and I'll explain why...

I don't think he realizes that I know when the IFL (the league he plays for now) and the AFL leagues run, and they run concurrently...but with the AFL running about a month longer but starting later. Now it's very common for the teams to sign on players in the middle or even the very end of the season. What I found funny about his response was the fact that he was trying to be elusive when he has a known time frame of when the seasons end. All he had to say was..."I might not be coming back till Aug or even Sept because of the AFL season." I felt that the elusiveness was a tad on purpose but I don't know why. So...I tested him and asked him if the leagues run at the same time or if they run back to back. I had a feeling that I wouldn't get a response due to him wanting to maintain whatever elusiveness he was putting on...and I was right.

Mind you his response times to the texts were instant, but all of a sudden after that particular question...he goes silent. So I waited a good 30 mins...and in my mind I was thinking that I had made my decision and I was right to let go of things. So I text him again and stated, "Don't worry, I was asking strictly out of curiosity. Good luck with everything, you deserve it all. Take care of yourself (his name)." He responded right away with, "Sorry they overlap seasons so it might be cool." (I don't even know what "so it might be cool" means or the purpose of stating it). I just left it at that and didn't even respond.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

I've hit my limit and just can't continue on with him anymore. I'm not mad at all or even in pain, or hurt...I'm just over it. He's not at fault for anything, and I don't blame him or feel that he's done anything wrong. During our exchange of texts, he didn't once inquire about what I had been up to. I just feel that I'm allowing myself to be in a situation that I'm no longer benefitting from - including having feelings for him. I hope that we can still be friends....but feeling anything beyond that wouldn't be right. Me making the decision to remove myself from this scenario feels like it's the best thing for me. I still have a very calm feeling throughout all of this and I think that's also good.

Anyway, the game was fun although super chilly since it was a night game. Unfortunately the team I was rooting for lost!

Hope you had a great weekend!

slsoiwp
by: Anonymous

Hey,

That was an interesting post. Looking at what you've said in a twisted way, it sounds like you are losing any attachment to an 'outcome' with the aqua, which will pave the way for a friendship, if thats what you want. The emotionals are also less likely to stir things up as well. I know its a clinical way to respond to what you've said, I still feel that things won't be really clear until the two of you actually meet up down the line and know how you are in each other's company - but don't let that mess with your clarity now. It will all have to play out with TIME, not planning, or pre-deciding how you both feel. Its an open road and a long one.

Its good to see that you are calm about it, as those turmoils are hellish. I've more to add, but it is really late so I'll do so tomorrow.

XR




lpkp;kl'l
by: Anonymous


Hey,

Sorry about breaking up this post. I have found through experience with my aqua, just like you with yours, that things are changeable. You know the feeling when you decide not to bother with someone anymore. You also know how it feels when they are on your mind lots. When something really is over, a sort of 'switch' goes off and people have a definite immunity to the person after that. They kinda see them as irrelevant or non-significant, no real reaction about them either way. Thats truly being over someone to feel like that!

I think its great that you currently have some clarity and calmness over the aqua. I think that you should 'build your strength up' by socializing like crazy at the same time, so that your perspective on the aqua has more context. I just have a feeling that where you finally, definitively stand on things will depend on how it goes when you see each other - whenever that is. I also think that meeting new people and simply having fun is a great balance to the aquatics too. I'm thinking that a social balance is one of the best defenses against the crazy emotional ups and downs. You're also right about working out - thats brilliant for clearing out the cobwebs and having a clear mind. I've lapsed recently too, but usually work out hard with weights.

Stay strong, do stuff that keeps you strong and balanced and you'll be able to handle any twist of aquatics.

My update is that I had a 'first date' with the aqua! Its another mush story, so I'll spare you the details, unless you're interested. It was great though and I felt it put things on another level between us. It wouldn't have worked out if I hadn't taken your advice, so thanks again for the support.

XR




aklsj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I think you nailed it on the head when you said that I know longer have any attachments for outcomes. It's so very true. It's not a bad thing...and probably a better place to be and a place that I should have been a long time ago. The calmness is still here and I don't think it's something that will go away and will stay pretty consistent from now on. I still have feelings for him...but given enough time, that will fade away as well...and that wouldn't be the worse thing either.

I suppose you're right that I won't know how things will really be until I see him again...IF I see him again. It wouldn't surprise me if he ended up staying out there given all the opportunity that's been presented to him. Either way...things will work out as they should for both of us.

So you had a great time with the aqua eh?! Good to hear! Of course I want details...or at least the high points. I'm glad that I could help you out with things, as you've helped me out with so much as well!

;ls;s
by: Anonymous

So I had the 'first date' with the aqua, and I have to say it was a really great night, with something of a 'new level' reached. I'd say it was the best first date ever, hence the all details. He was again flying directly to the date from a work thing abroad and came straight from the airport into town. We agreed to meet in a bar beforehand, but I was surprised to see that he had a couple of his guy friends with him, which was cool. When I walked into the bar (late!), they were already there, he was happy to see me and and he had no hesitation in giving me a big kiss on the lips in front of them. He introduced me simply by my first name, nothing else. One of his friends was sitting next to him, and he immediately got up so that I could sit beside the aqua, and at the same time, the aqua asked his friend simply "do you mind?!", asking him to vacate his seat. So I'm curious as to how he 'explained me' before I got there! I was thinking that if he just told them that "a friend" was coming, then they wouldn't have both made moves to seat me next to him. The aqua was a little affectionate in front of them too, but not in an overboard way.

I got on well with his friends and I thought that there would 4 of us going to the gig, but actually we were seated separately from them, which was also a cool move. The gig was a real music highlight of the year, it was fantastic and I would have been glad to go just for the music. The aqua was really relaxed and easy, he held my hand for some of it and was generally pretty affectionate while watching the band. After, we had drinks with one of the band (WOW WOW WOW, can't tell you how cool that was!!!) in the venue in a 'private lounge' area. There were other artists and musicians there too, and all of them look up to the aqua and paid him a lot of respect. So I got on well with all of them too and myself and the aqua were subtly tactile with each other throughout, in front of them. I was surprised he was so natural about it. Funny, I was reminded of your aqua's groupie, because on one occasion, a pouty groupie girl wanted to know how I met the aqua, whether we were seeing each other etc. I wasn't stand-offish at all, but I replied by making a joke about approaching strangers and asking them personal relationship questions as an opening gambit. I laughed off the question and told her absolutely nothing about us at all, which I could tell she hated! At the end of the night when we were deciding whether to stay for another drink or leave, he said "lets go home", which sounded perfect.

continues...

HKHK,HJL
by: Anonymous




It was a really cool night and he did all the right things, including not letting me pay for a drink nor the cab home. Perfect date with high excitement. When we got back to mine, he talked openly about how he feels about me and described parts of my character in a strangely incisive way. He made some observations about me that I've only ever heard my sister describe, because she knows me so well. He then told me that he thinks he’s in love with me. Very lovely night after that and we spent until the afternoon in bed the next day, with me deciding to skip work.


He was again open about not wanting to leave, saying that he wanted to stay instead. Interesting it was exactly how it was 12 years before when neither of us wanted him to get out of the car, the last time we saw each other back then.

I thanked him for a great night out and asked if he could take me to go see more live music. He said he'd like that too. So I hope so, because it was such good fun and its definitely 'his world' stuff.

So now after that, I think that he has made some pretty significant gestures about it all. It never occurred that he would be the type to go public, introduce me to friends etc. Its a massive WOW for me and it almost feels like the thing is playing out like an idealized movie story or something. So, I'm very happy with things. Its the first time I posted that. I sort of feel almost secure in the situation because of how he was treating me throughout the night. I said...”ALMOST secure”!!! You know how I can also flap about like a fish in death throes analyzing stuff too!

So thats the update there. That was 4 days ago and I have not heard a peep from him since, nor have I contacted him. I wonder how long that will go on for?! I think I’m officially in love with the guy. Anyway, its truly nice to be able to report some good happy aquatics, so that was the update and I don’t know what happens next!

asklj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

It sounds like you and the aqua had a great time! I think it says a lot by the fact that he's even willing to be seen in such a public forum with you. It would be completely different if it was just an ordinary man/aqua who was having an affair and could easily go around town without it getting back to his wife. However, being that yours is in the public spotlight...no aqua is that stupid to put himself in that position with the hopes of it getting back to the wife, IF he cared. I think that despite him still wearing his wedding ring...something definitely is off between them. Funny story about the groupie girl! I could hear the sarcasm from here, and I'm sure she picked up on it too. I'm sure there will be many more dates to come, and the 'silence' after them will eventually fade away as you two become even more comfortable with each other.

I have a story that I've been meaning to share but keep forgetting. I've mentioned my aqua gf on here before when relaying stories of hers if you can recall. However, I've never mentioned that me and her had a falling out some years ago, where our friendship never got back to where it was and pretty much was nonexistent. When we were younger and I had just graduated high school, we were inseparable...ALWAYS together. I can say that I've never quite had a friendship as close as I did with her since. Well...we haven't spoken in about two or three years. She called me once and always wished me Happy Birthday during the 'no talking' time....but I never responded because I guess I wasn't over the feeling of getting burned.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

Anyway, she called me out of the blue last week and I spoke with her....I was completely over everything that happened in the past so it wasn't a big deal to me to talk to her anymore. I guess it was a big deal to her because she started apologizing for everything that happened and started crying. She said that she was selfish back then and wasn't the friend to me that she felt I was to her. She said that I was always there for her during her rough times with her scorp, and I even took her in when she had no home. I was also there to see the birth of her son. Looking back, she said she hasn't had a friend like me since and that she really misses me. She said she was too prideful to admit that she needed me in her life and that she wanted to be friends again like we were before.

I was honestly a little shocked by all the emotion, especially since years have gone by. I knew we would end up talking again, and probably even being friends...but I didn't expect her to carry all the burden for why we weren't friends anymore and to be so remorseful about it. It was so bad that I started feeling a little guilty...guilty in that it wouldn't be right to allow her all the blame when we both had faults going on at the time. Anyway, I told her that everything is in the past and I don't hold any grudges towards her and I don't mind being her friend again. She has called me damn near everyday since and has even booked a plane ticket out here to come see me because she thinks it's important. It's weird because it feels like we haven't really missed a beat since not talking...and I'm actually a little happier now that she's back in my life. Crazy huh?....

Well hope everything is good on your side! Take care!

sdfaergaw
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Thats an interesting story about your old friend getting in touch. The bit that really jumped out was that it felt as though you didn't miss a beat since you last spoke. Thats pretty telling, I think. The opposite of that is that you no longer have anything in common and so awkward silences.

I've done my share of being out of contact with friends then reconnecting. Its a good feeling to get good friends back like that, where the friendship is intact and there are no judgements. It sounds like you have a friend there who is in touch a lot and wants to see you. Are you sure she is an AQUA??!!

How do you feel about her being in contact nearly daily and also booking a ticket to come out and see you so suddenly?

I've no aqua update except for a tiny one. He sent me a picture via his cellphone, of a painting - 5 days after the date. Its a classic famous painting, but I also painted my own 'freaked-up' version of it years ago and have it hanging at home. The penny obviously dropped when he saw the original, so he sent me a picture. I sent a witty text reply, but received no response - that was a few days ago. The funny thing was that I was actually thinking about him just as he sent the picture, because, by sheer coincidence, I was sitting in the exact spot where myself and the aqua first kissed! Same bar, same table, same seat! The place was packed when my friend & I arrived in, and that table came free just as we entered. I hadn't been to that bar for years, so its no longer a regular haunt for me and pure luck that we even went there. A sweet coincidence!

I'm glad you got a laugh out of the groupie girl thing. Over the years I have perfected the art of being a sarcastic cutting bitch, while speaking completely ambiguously, and with a genuine smile! People I've slapped down sometimes don't know if they have been complimented or grossly insulted. So the groupie was perfect fodder for that. Hey, its not my fault I'm a Scorp!

So, are you looking forward to the visit? When is your friend coming?

askdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

You know, I'm actually quite surprised at myself because I actually don't feel any certain way for how my aqua friend is 'coming on strong' since our falling out. She is def an aqua, bday is Feb 1. She's suppose to come in the middle of July and we've already begun planning things. I'm actually excited about it! I guess I always kind of realized it but maybe didn't pay much attention to it but, Aquas are actually VERY sensitive. I've noticed this with my aqua gf and also the aqua. Me and the gf were talking the other day and she wanted to ask me a 'serious' question...but she had a hard time getting it out because she started crying! Her question was so simple but I guess meant a lot to her. She asked if I trusted her. I guess the last time I saw her which was a couple years ago, she asked me the same question and I stated "Yes, but there's a part of me that doesn't." She said this really hurt her feelings. Mind you this was when we were still in our fall out phase. I wouldn't have even thought a simple statement as that would have hurt her feelings so badly.

I really enjoyed the story about the pic text from the aqua. It's so damn freaky because I was going to ask you something that completely relates to that! Do you believe that you can 'feel' someone thinking about you or get strange feelings like something unexpected is going to happen? My aqua gf (sorry to mention her again) said something that struck me. She mentioned something about "calling people with your mind." She believes that if you think about someone hard enough, you can get them to think about you too. She said she's gotten phone calls from people by doing this...people she's cared about...like she willed them to call her. I was just wondering if it was just coincidence because if you think about someone that much and for that long, eventually you'll hear from them as a natural progression to the relationship you have with them...not necessarily because you're "calling" them.

Then again, there have been times where I haven't spoken or heard from someone in a long while and I'll all of a sudden think about them and wonder how they're doing. Then soon enough, I'll end up getting a call from that very person. I just wonder if it's coincidence or not...or if it's our intuition at work. Just something to think about...

CGCHCYKCK
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Years ago, I (also) lost touch with a good friend - we had known each other since we were 12 and were really close. We both moved abroad and kinda lost touch for a few years before we reconnected. When we were at school, we used to do this 'trick' that had everyone baffled. Basically, there is a kind of candy here and with the packaging, there is a plastic cap with a random letter of the alphabet on the underside. We used to sit around at lunch break with our friends and one of us would open a pack of the candy and look at the letter inside the cap. The other would be sitting across the table, unable to see the letter or the cap. The one with the the cap would 'silently shout' the letter and the other would clear her mind and focus hard on what was being 'communicated'. If I were guessing the letter, I would just try and 'hear' what she was silently trying to convey, or otherwise, an image of a letter would come to mind. We were both able to do this and had a 100% record of guessing the letter. No cheating, no tricks, we just were able to pick up on what the other person was saying to us in their mind. To this day, I have no clue how/why that ever worked, but it only ever worked between us and was freaky!

So, if it weren't for that experience, I might have dismissed what your friend said about 'thinking' people into them calling you. I do think that maybe two people can 'catch the same wave' sometimes in their thinking.

People simply change their outlook on things as they get older. Things that used to be important (theoretical ways of looking at things) just don't seem so relevant when they are replaced with time. I took my 16 year old niece to lunch the other day. I found it interesting to listen to a lot of the stuff she was saying and even though it sounded sort of naive and teenage, it all sounded very familiar too!

Can you believe that I still have a niggling problem with the aqua business?! Its basically that we have such a great time when we see each other, then afterwards, there is the silence of strangers. It just seems so weird and sorta feels that there is a much higher proportion of time that is 'silence', compared to 'experience'. Anyone else I've ever dated has been the complete opposite and communication has been 'natural' and frequent. I understand its 'very aqua', but sheesh! That said, I'm not so good at chasing the guy around either - `I just don't believe that it is a cool way to go. Your advice to do so was just the right thing to do, but if I keep on doing that, then I enable him not to call. Also strange about the silence is that it doesn't seem to match with the 'close' nature of the things between us.

I'm probably just over-thinking this stuff because I'm not used to such lack of communication with someone I've been seeing.

Anyway, you have a couple of weeks to make plan for the visit - so maybe you can now get to the shooting range, zoo etc. and do the thing you'd really like to do. Sounds cool !





sdlk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

I know exactly how you feel about the stranger thing...it is kind of confusing and I think that is the single one factor that causes all the paranoia. However, I also think it's a mind thing...especially in your case. I don't see anything 'stranger' about him sending you a pic of a painting, knowing it's something you painted as well. I think that was very thoughtful. I remember in your original post you stated you would text him right after a meet up with "Hey it was nice seeing you..." or something to that effect. Do you still do that? If not, I think you should do it again....JUST to test him and his reaction....see if it has changed from being cold to welcoming. I think that response will be a good indicator of the 'stranger' feeling.

So, I went on aqua's FB which I shouldn't have because I quit going on there. Groupie girl has put a pic of them up as her main photo. It's not intimate and he's not touching her, you can tell she's holding the camera and they're posing...neither smiling and not too close together. She continues with her thirsty comments...one that stated, "You go show them why you were nominated MVP AND made the All IFL team. Do your thing Mr. (his last name), do your thing! :)" Then when aqua stated his father was coming into town she posted a comment "Yay :)" She also still fraternizes with his sis.

After I saw this, it was just a nail in the coffin for me. I don't know what's going on between them or if anything is going on besides a friendship, but I don't see how a girl can get that comfortable if she's JUST a groupie. It's also not just about her but he was in the hospital for an injury...and I just feel so out of the loop with him. I feel like an outsider looking in and I think that says a lot. I feel really stupid and deluded into thinking that me and him could possibly pick up where we left off. Now, it's just a farfetched idea that I don't feel is right or possible. I'm really and truly over all of it and I know you probably don't believe me or feel differently...but I really am.

Anyway, that's the update here. Hope all is well!

asdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Please disregard my last paragraph. I lash out and am impulsive with my emotions. I'm just glad that I can write it on here rather than express it and regret things later. I know you probably think I'm a yoyo! I try to convince myself to move on and that I don't care...but it just makes me look foolish if that's how I don't really feel. I hate my leo moon...makes me so prideful!

But anyway, I talked to aqua on the phone! He was in the hospital for a few days...he had a few cracked ribs and a collapsed lung. I'll go into detail about our convo later. I have to get ready for a bbq now!

o]pij[
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Hope you're well. Man, that groupie. Please don't make her important. She is like a fly buzzing around someone's lunch. A mosquito in the room. Every single message of hers you have relayed, and the photo on her page you have describes screams 'wannabe'! Please don't occupy your head with her. My eyes were rolling at reading her message and the description of the photo. Nothing stinks worse than 'desperately deluded' - and no man finds that attractive.

I'm sorry to hear your aqua is injured. Collapsed lung is massively painful, and the poor guy must have really suffered. How long will he need to recover? How did you guys get on with your conversation?

Listen, don't worry at all about saying things then changing your mind to the exact opposite. In any other context its hard to explain and to understand, but here, with these aquatics, and being emotionally intense scorps, I understand totally. You've seen me do the same. I've even trusted your advice over my own gut instinct, such is my lack of trust for my emotionals sometimes!

I think I might be in a sort of dangerous 'lash-out' situation myself since the last couple of times I met up with the aqua. Basically, the last couple of times, we've been closer than ever, and I'm finding the silence inbetween pretty hard, because of how things have shifted. More intensity, same distance. I know he has been extremely busy and often out of the country, but as I said, it feels like we're complete strangers between times when we don't see each other. I used the word 'dangerous', because I have even been thinking that I might be better off not seeing him at all, just so that I know where I stand. Its pretty distracting. I didn't text him after the last time we went out, because I usually do, and this time wanted to see if he would text me instead. He did so 5 days later with the pic. About a week later, I sent him a text to ask how he's doing. He replied with a sweet text that he was out of the country with work again.

The problem feels like I really want to see and spend more time with him, but it doesn't feel reciprocated very often. Thats a tough one for me, hence my considering ending it. I don't think he is able / willing for the same, so it feels a bit torturous. Stupid, huh?! What would you say is the best way to handle this?

So back to you - I hope that you had a good chat with the aqua, as I said, what happened to him was pretty serious. Hope he is okay, same for you.



askdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So the story is...when I went on his FB I of course saw the groupie's activities but also saw posts that aqua was making about being in the hospital and talking about 'tubes coming out' so I knew it was serious. I felt that all bullshit aside and regardless of how I was feeling at the time, I should check and make sure he was ok. I text him and told him I 'heard' he was in the hospital and asked what happened, then I thought, no...this one is due a phone call. So I also called as well and left a message for him to call back - this was at around 930pm. Didn't hear back and woke up the next morning and checked my phone. Got a text from the aqua at 3am stating he was sorry he was sleeping and yes he was in the hospital but was out now. I sent a text asking him to call me when he had time...he called 5 mins later.

He said he got hurt playing in a game and cracked a few ribs and one of his lungs collapsed. He said he was fine and that he was resting up. He had to go under surgery to re-inflate his lung...he seems pretty unfazed by it all. He asked what I was up to and I explained to him my progress in school, etc. He then went on to explain his plans for the next month or so and how long he planned on being out there. It was a little odd because he made a statement about finding work there afterwards. So I blatantly asked him if he was moving there and he said no. We went back and forth about how his words imply he's moving there but he was adamant about that no matter what, he's always going to come back home. I made a statement of "that sucks" to his prolonged absence and he asked, "Sucks for who...you?" and I said yes. He then stated that it's been this long so a couple more months won't hurt.

We went on to talk more about his father being in town, what he plans on doing when he gets back home, and his future plans for next football season. He stated that he really appreciated me keeping up with his progress in football and I told him I do it because I care. He stated that he cares too. He then asked how I 'heard' about him being in the hospital. I started laughing and told him 'heard' is probably the wrong word to use and it's more like 'read.' I admitted that I check in on his FB to keep myself updated with how he's doing....and that I should probably just shoot him a friend request, and he said, "Yea...you should." We then said our goodbyes. Overall, it was a really good convo and I think one that was needed. It was really good to hear his voice and I think he felt the same.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

Later on in the day I was thinking that I really needed more communication from him and that I shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. His effort in staying in touch is probably one of the only things that really bothers me since he's been gone. I was debating on whether or not to 'demand' such a request, especially after such a good phone convo...but again, I felt I needed to not let the moment pass while communication was good between us. Plus, I just don't have it in me to hide what I want anymore. I was talking to my aqua gf about it and she made the point that communication is key and there was nothing wrong with expressing something that bothers me. So I sent him a text saying I hope he was feeling better and it was nice talking to him today, and that it would mean a lot to me if he kept in touch and updated me with how things were going.....and to take care. He didn't respond, which I didn't think he would. I'm not sure how it was received or if he'll take it into consideration, so I guess I just gotta have faith.

Trust me when I say I know exactly how you feel to be a 'stranger' when the aqua is away. I've been living it for 5 months now! The thing or change I'm going to make is to stop texting and start calling when I want to speak with the aqua....you can feel things that remind you of why you're choosing to stay in the situation. I suggest that it might work for you as well. Start phoning him and talk to him about what he's doing, his plans, your plans, anything really! My aqua is so blah thru text, and even though yours may not be as much....opening up a door of communication thru phone calls is a great start to help alleviating the feeling of 'stranger' and can open new doors for the relationship as well.

I also think you should voice your concerns of feeling like a 'stranger' when you two are away from each other the next time you see him. See what his response is, and afterwards watch to see if he tries to correct or help you to not feel those things. I don't think it would be right to end things without giving him the proper chance to correct whatever the problem is that makes the distance so much more cold. You can even pose the 'distance' as a question that you've been pondering, like, "Do you sense a quiet cold distance when we're not together? It's something that I've noticed and have been wondering why that is since it's not the case when we're together." His mind will get working after that since it was posed in question form...aquas love to analyze things and solve problems (this also being a man trait). Either way, I do really think it's important to mention it to him when you see each other again.

I'm glad we both can work thru these issues together and this place has become such a haven of letting out frustrations!

kl;'k\k
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Lots of good advice in your post, thank-you. Its all been really distracting me lately - and not in a good way! I think its possible we share the same problem - and thats when our imaginations lead our emotions. The calmest and most sure time is when we're actually WITH the aquas! Sheesh. I've never known anything like this with a man before - usually, men stuff is easy enough. Five months absence from your aqua has been a hellish rollercoaster, no? I suppose when I had the 4-5 month distance a few months ago, I spent the last 2 months of that having lost hope that the situation would reignite, so that was easier than what you've been through.

Anyway, for all my ranting, I've never spoken to a man about relationship stuff other than calmly, regardless of the turmoils that go on in the background. Its the only way, and I liked the tone and sentiment of the way you suggested I speak to the aqua. I still think that men shouldn't be coerced into a relationship in any way, they should be in it/or not of their own free will. I don't mind if he doesn't want to be with me, but it can be a confusing situation to read! Or, maybe it just makes complete sense, but this scenario is a new one for me. In previous relationships, guys have always been very forthcoming, and I've never had a short relationship - 4, 5 & 6 years have been the main ones apart from non-serious little situations that suited me, but not what I'd call a 'relationship'. Hmmm.

I was relieved to hear that your aqua is out of hospital. Whatever else, he had to have been in a lot of pain, so its good to hear it has subsided. Also good to hear is that the convo went well. Its a damned good idea to conduct yourself by phone instead of text. I think you're right & that its good advice. I had a convo with the aqua once when I said something like "I'm not the type to chase a man all over town, you would have noticed that I'm not calling you every 5 minutes...." He response was to look at me really nicely and say "I appreciate that." So, I always have that in mind when pondering things.

I'm so glad you even had a chat to the aqua - it was obviously instinctive that you should and it sounds like you both needed to have a good talk with each other and reconnect that way. Its strange - when hospitals are involved, we suddenly realize what is important! You sound better for speaking to him. I think you're also right that the distance really is the main and only problem with aquas. I think I found the answer to it though, and that is to simply forgive them their distances. Let them have it, because its something they absolutely need to have. We don't need to understand, merely accept it with good grace. Technically, that should solve the 'big issue'. What do you think?!

Listen, its late here and I sense I'm rambling a bit, so thanks again for the ear & such good advice. I do feel calmer about it now! Take care - hope your aqua does the same.


asdlkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

So I know I'm not suppose to, but I can't stop thinking about groupie chick! I friend requested aqua and got a lot more access to his page and what's on it. His pics consist all of himself playing ball, his boys, and his family...and some other random candids of friends. I think groupie is more than a groupie...she definitely seems like a friend. She posted a video on his page and made a joke about it, he in return made a joke, then his sister made a comment. Groupie girl has a habit of commenting a lot in response to his sister...you can tell she's definitely trying to build a rapport there. She uses his sis's first name a lot and I'm hip to the fact that people do that because it makes the other person feel more familiar to them.

I really just don't understand how a girl can be comfortable enough to post a pic of herself and another dude without it meaning something. Me, personally speaking, there's no way in hell I would post a pic of me and a guy I liked or was talking to/dating as my main FB pic, UNLESS we were OFFICIAL. This makes me very, very suspicious. It just doesn't make sense to me AT ALL!

It makes me so suspicious that I feel like I'm putting myself in a position to look stupid and be played. I'm now questioning the sincerity of my phone convo with aqua, and if he even really meant that he cared...or if he was just saying it to be nice or agreeable. It's so bad that I'm tempted to ask him about her! I really just don't know how to take everything. It's very confusing!

It's so bad that I feel it's not worth it. I've been here wanting to see this aqua so bad for the last 5 months and hoping for some kind of communication effort from him. I've done what I could to make the effort and even though I asked him recently to keep in touch more....I'm not holding my breathe for that one. Yea, I think he was trying to give me reassurance when I talked to him...but what exactly should I be holding on to? My thoughts of him are turning into memories because I haven't seen him in so long and communication is nil. It's like trying to hold onto air....there's nothing to keep me there. Yea he says he's gonna come back...but when?....who the hell knows! I also ask myself if he's just trying to keep me around as an 'option' for when and if he comes home! How bad is that?!

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

I'm seriously considering just letting it all go...I feel very vulnerable and scared that I'm wasting my time. Things just aren't sitting well with me...something is very off.

My aqua gf has a guy friend that lives out here that she really wants me to meet. I've seen some pics of him and he appears very cute. From what I've heard...he's very excited to meet me. I'm curious to see how things will turn out with that. I think it'll be a good thing for me to go and be open to the experience.

Sorry for the lash out. I know it's a selfish post and a total 180 from how I felt the other day. I'm just very, very unsure and the anxiety is building. I don't want to do or say anything I'll regret later...so I'm trying to just unleash it on here.

l,;,;
by: Anonymous

Hey,

I don't underestimate the effect that the groupie has had/is having on you. I know its a horrible horrible feeling that some girl has her claws into him. Thing is, she hasn't, she really hasn't. Nobody conducts a RELATIONSHIP through FB IN THAT WAY - it is in her head, thats why she is spilling out as much as she can, in order to make it feel as though she is friends/close with him. Do you talk to your FB friends in that gushy way? Not exactly 'normal' communication with people you're close to, is it?! And DEFINITELY a cardinal 'no-no', in terms of communicating with a boyfriend.

If she REALLY was close, she wouldn't do any of that - there'd be no need, cos they would be talking all the time anyway, over all their dinners, drinks & dates. She'd say that shit face to face - and HOW annoying would that be?! Even his friends were sarcastic about her. Can you imagine the aqua defending her shit to his friends? All that shit she's doing is actually working against her. Its clingy shit being played out publicly - I bet the aqua is friendly enough (thats their nature), but cringing and mortified by the gushy stuff, because its more 'fan' than sincere. And don't forget, 'fan' is short for 'fanatic'.

She is like a mosquito buzzing around - deeply irritating, but don't let her puerile shit get in your head. Are you seriously doubting the sincerity of the chat you had with the aqua based on you being suspicious of whether they are friends and making up torturous scenarios? Snap out of it!

That said, I get it totally. I've already said that I've been contemplating actually finishing with the aqua altogether, because I have had trouble handling the distances lately. Thing is, its only been a couple of weeks since I've seen him, we texted less than a week ago, he's away for the next 4 days anyway, and I also think I'll hear from him next week. With all that, I'm still freaking out. I know how lame it is, but can't help it. You're the same over this groupie, we both know the logic works against what the imagination and emotions are throwing out, yet we're both still in a panic about things. Man, we had both better get a handle on our own particular brand of shit, never mind anyone elses!

All the stuff you've described is non-personal and very 'fan-like' - NOT relationship-like. You know that already, but now you, just like me, need to snap out of the shitty, anti self-serving emotional imaginary shit. Whaddaya say?

fghgu
by: Anonymous

I just wanted to add that your current confusion, doubt and negative feelings are all based on your INTERPRETATION of what might be happening. And thats a lot of interpreting you've been doing. If they were close, or even friends, you'd see proper evidence of it on FB. You have none, but instead have based your feelings on bits and pieces of stuff you've 'translated'. I really want my post to sound nicer, but, seriously, just stop.

I do EXACTLY the same as you and its as bad for me as this is for you. Because of your last post, I'm going to make a big effort to SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE. Not better than they are, or worse than they are, but simply taking the aqua on face value. And most importantly, distract myself properly, so that I am too busy to think about him during those distances. Thats the healthy way to handle it.

Go on that date. Its just an introduction to someone new, it doesn't even have to mean 'date'. I think its what you need at the moment to take the focus off the Graspy Groupie.

I understand that feeling of it being easier to just let go of the aqua rather than go through this stuff. (I've been feeling the same.) I think this can be resolved by which perspective you choose to take. He didn't bullshit you into feeling how you did after your talk with him. Thats the real stuff. You can only really know how things are between you and the aqua when he is back - not while he is still away. You can't resolve anything while he is away, but you can still care about each other, look forward to seeing each other and remain 'open' to each other while he is away. It sounds like there will be less silence in the next couple of months anyway, and you can play your part there. Regular phone chats is a great idea.

Meantime, more distraction would help. What are your thoughts on meeting the aqua gf's friend?

WHatever this Graspy Groupie angst is, it will pass. That shoe is gona be on the other foot - the same foot that kicks its own ass with its clingy gushy stuff, so don't worry about her at all.

Take care!

k,v;d'as
by: Anonymous

Hey,

I hope my comments didn't come across too cold & harsh. Scorpios have an unfortunate in-built characteristic of suspicion, jealousy & emotional swinging - it doesn't make something true just because we can feel that way, and thats what I was trying to convey. Its in the same way as aquas have the need for space & distance in-built - it isn't meant to hurt people, its just the way they are. And anyway, YOU'RE the real prize in all this, not some graspy groupie!

I think it helps to recognize that the some of the scorpio traits we have inside us do drive us crazy, but its more our fault than someone else's, and the only way to deal with it is to apply some cold hard logic and realism. I think that seeing it for what it is makes those feelings easier to deal with.

I took your advice and phoned the aqua to say hi, instead of texting. It was a good move, and you're right, you can 'feel' the true reaction of the other person and connect the vibes when you speak, in a way that you can't necessarily by text. I thought it was an inspired suggestion, so I'll be phoning instead of texting more going forward. I think the aqua was left with a little to think about afterwards, because we had a good chat and catch up, but when he asked me if I was available that evening, I simply said no. Just when we were in the middle of talking about our stuff, I cut the conversation short and told him it was good to catch up with him. He said we should meet up and do something next week.

Later that night, I heard him on the radio mentioning our date night. He was saying that he was still reeling from what a good night that was. He sees so much live music that I was surprised because it was a couple of weeks ago, but delighted to hear it.

You already know that I haven't been feeling great about the distance lately, even though it only been a couple of weeks since I saw him. I wanted to remind you (and myself) that the 'real' stuff is so much better than the imaginary stuff we torture ourselves with. My advice is for you to take your own advice and call him regularly,. Never mind any other bullshit, just call the guy once a week/10 days to connect, say hi, swap updates and keep leaving him with a good vibe. He has been through a nasty time of it with the lung collapse, and so have you as well. It seems all the more reason to take the initiative to call him more - cos lets face it, aquas are crap at it, but do appreciate it too!

I hope you're okay. Any decision on meeting the friend of your aqua gf?!



askdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

No, your words didn't come off harsh or cold. I know you were just trying to help me gather my thoughts and get my mind right. I've just been relaxing and trying to get my mind calm about the whole aqua thing. I'm not concerned about the groupie anymore...I know this to be true because I don't get that feeling in my stomach as much when I see her posting things on his page. I have more of an "oh well" attitude about it now.

I'm glad that phoning the aqua has worked for you. It does feel different hearing their voice, doesn't it? I know you're recommending me to call the aqua more, but I'm not going to...or even reach out to him for that matter. I feel that I've done my fair share of 'work' in contacting him while he's been away....to the point I feel like I've been chasing him. I made it known to him what it would mean to me if he chose to make contact with me...so hopefully he will, but who knows. Other than that...I'm kind of spent on worrying about him.

Well, my gf's friend will be meeting us next weekend for coffee when we head to the city. That's suppose to be our official meeting. I guess he told her that if he feels everything is ok between me and him, then he will ask me to dinner. I think it would be nice and I will accept. I'm actually very open into seeing what he's about and getting to know him. Getting to know him as a friend...and maybe something more, but I have absolutely no expectations going in. It kind of sucks though because he lives about an hour and a half away...so even dinner will be a venture. Still, he lives in an area where a lot of wine is produced....so I'm gonna see if he wants to take me wine tasting eventually!

Hope you had a good weekend. Mine was very relaxing and I also finish my last week of summer school next week! I also set a date to make it to Hawaii the first week of Aug. So, I have a lot to look forward to this summer and the upcoming month or so!

kdoledireoei
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Glad to hear you're not so wound up over the grasy groupie shit - its simply not worth it over what she is doing. Also glad to hear that you're looking forward to meeting your gf's friend. Whether you get on or not, regardless of whether you even like each other, its good to see that you're seeing that other guys may have potential, and that you're open to seeing someone else. Doesn't matter what happens with the guy, that alone is a massive deal.

I have been missing the aqua, (as I've been oh-so-subtly hinting!) - and last night I was out with a friend. We had spent the day together, during which I had been texting back and forth with the aqua. My friend and I eventually went out to dinner and towards the end, I had drunk enough to be brave enough to ask the aqua to come over. He took a cab over to mine almost immediately. I was sort of drunk and he was sober. I remember excitedly talking all sorts of garbage about my day etc. - just the kind of inane crap that aquas hate. No matter though, we had a great night - more physical than verbal. I remember asking him how he felt about us seeing each other more and he was very open to it. He explained that his work commitments are taking him away most weekends for the next couple of months, but said that anytime during the week would be good. I sort of feel that the ball is in my court now, which I don't want it to be, because I hate the feeling that I'm chasing the guy around. How do you feel about being the person that initiates the meet-ups? Does that sit well with you, or do you have any discomfort with that? My belief is that fundamentally, men feel that they need to be the ones to chase the woman. Doing things the other way around, I think, is a little emasculating.

Anyway, thats my update - I'm gonna call the aqua next week and suggest we do something, or just invite him over one of the evenings. I'm feeling like I'd like to be closer with him, and I hope he'd feel the same. So, I hope we can work something out next week.

Ok, so you're meeting the guy this weekend?! How cool! I don't know about you, but I quite like the 'what-to-wear?!' dilemma and love the business of getting ready!

Hawaii?! So well-deserved. Sooo envious!

alsdjk
by: Anonymous

Hey...

How did your weekend go? I had a ton a fun this weekend with my friend being in town and all....we had a blast. I met her friend and we actually went to dinner last night. He seems pretty cool, but I don't think I'm interested in him in that way. He doesn't seem to have a lot of ambition or motivation, which I can't stand in men. However, he'll make a good friend. This one is a Capricorn.

Remember that story I told you about the club and asking around for a condom? Well we ended up going to the same spot this weekend, and the cute guy who was the only one with a condom was there. I approached him and jogged his memory of that incident. Needless to say, he ended up coming with our group to this bar, then my cousin's house afterwards. I've never meet a man who was so damn charming....it literally will kill you. He is such a gentleman and so well mannered, it makes me a little suspicious of him! I'm not sure if I see him in that way either, but I just look at him and ask myself, "Why do you have to be so damn nice?!" I guess it's because he's a Libra. He's been texting me everyday since and we've been keeping it friendly.

It's a great leap from the aqua's behavior to having two men who have no qualms about keeping in touch and saying how they feel. Libra and Cap are constantly telling me how beautiful I am...calling me 'sweetie' and just being attentive. All I keep thinking is, "That's love right there." I've also been hearing from my friend in NY. I will be going there at the end of Aug for a cousin's wedding, so we have plans to meet up. I'm looking forward to that as well. He'll always be a great friend to me.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

I've deleted the aqua's # from my phone again. I've completely lost all hope between me and him, and I feel stupid for even holding on to it for as long as I did. I don't look at him the same anymore and I don't feel for him the way I use to. It's completely dead. If he did come back around...there's absolutely no way I could begin to care the way I use to. I don't care if he had no obligation to me, I find it completely unacceptable for him to not be in contact with me while he's been away...not one time! Even though we weren't together in an official capacity, I thought there would be enough respect there to at least WANT to say hello. It's very hurtful and selfish for him to have done that to me. I want no part of it anymore.

As for you, I think there's a difference between chasing a man who's not responding to you, and "chasing" a man who is. I know you don't seem to notice or probably will disagree, but I think the aquas been waiting for you to make an effort and at least show you'd like to see him. I'm sure you think you make an effort and you probably do, but I don't think there's any 'chasing' going on at this point between you two. It's more like two adults who like/love each other and are comfortable enough to demand time from each other without fearing the rejection. He's not going anywhere, and I think that's something you have to get use to now. And if he was gonna go anywhere, I don't think he'd leave you high and dry...there would definitely be a convo about it, or a 'break-up' so to speak. So please feel free to hit him up whenever you want to see him!

Take care :)

lslelel
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Thats my favorite post of yours to date! You've never sounded better. It seems like all the 'heaviness' has been lifted and your tone is much lighter and more carefree. I notice that you also have power and choice back - you're deciding whether or not YOU like the guys, with no emphasis on what they might think of you. Apart from mentioning them being in friendly regular contact with lots of compliments! What a massive difference from how aquas communicate! And manners, charm & courtesy thrown into the deal! Wow, its just so different! I remember posting before xmas about a night out where I had forgotten about 'personal power' and was contrasting the attention from strangers with the 'aquattitude'.
I suppose the lesson is to not sit around dwelling on stuff, but go out and live.

With the kind of reaction you're getting, its no wonder you deleted the aqua number. Its like deleting the stuff thats not working for you and making space for new experiences instead. Out with the old, in with the new. It sounds like you deleted the number for the right reasons and no regrets. Good for you! Its hard to choose silence/distance/lack of consideration etc. over plenty of contact that is charming, fun, flattering and just feels good. Funny that you tied up with the guy again after previously hitting him for a condom!

You made a good point about 'chasing someone who wants to be chased!', versus someone who doesn't respond. I have never looked for any relationship advice before I encountered this aqua, and without the insights on here, I'd find it all too weird. As it is, its just confusing at times! I'm curious as to why you think that the aqua wants to see me make efforts/chase him? I would have thought that goes against their need for space, no? Its a good point about being adults that are comfortable around each other at this stage - I guess I'm still reeling from all the erratic distance thing from before.

Anyway, great to read your post, its the best one yet! Keep me updated in those guys! (I wouldn't rule out the dinner guy just yet - just because of how human nature can be!)

XR

ldld;d;ds
by: Anonymous

I was thinking about your last post and have a question for you. Now that you've gotten some distance from the whole aqua thing, and seen how guys SHOULD treat you - do you think of the whole aqua-angsting as a bit pathetic now? (Or not?)

I mean specifically, all that trying to work out whether/how he liked you, why he'd disappear for weeks or months, all the lack of contact, not replying to texts, distance etc. - What do you think of all that now?

Red




adkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Well I have some updates on Cap and Libra. I'll start with Libra first....

So, I've been out with him a few times and each time was fun and great. He had been in touch every day since running into him again that night. He would text me "good morning beautiful" and "good night gorgeous" practically everyday. Like I said, he has killer charm and says all the right things. However, on the second date I caught him in a lie! He stated numerous times he lives in a city about an hour from where I live, and the same city my brother happens to live. On Fri we met in his area because I had plans with my brother anyway, well needless to say, he took me to "his place". His "roommate" was there, as well as some other people.

Mind you he lived in a one-bedroom apartment, had no clothes there, and his "roommate" stated he would give him an extra set of keys so he could get back in. His "roommate" also had to show him how to use the garage key. All the while I'm thinking in my head, "He does not live here!" I'm sure that he lives with his parents and views his "roommates" place as more of a 'home away from home,' rather than it actually being his place of residence. Anyway, I didn't say anything about it, I just let him take me out to eat....and cancelled plans with him afterwards. I was suppose to spend more time with him, but lied and said my bro wanted to meet earlier and left. I know for sure he got some sort of hint of my dashing, because I have not heard from him since! Liars are complete deal breakers for me! I wouldn't have judged him for living with his parents...so there was no need to lie about it....but men do these things sometimes I guess.

As for the Cap (my gf's friend), I'm not interested in him in that way. I have plans on Monday to hang out with him...which I will, but he's not for me either. On our last date, I made comments about being adventurous and not lazy. So I notice the next time we're making arrangements to hang out, that he purposely states that we're gonna "have fun" and start the day early as to not be lazy. It kind of turned me off because I felt that he was more trying to be someone I wanted him to be, than himself. I know that's probably unreasonable and critical, but I don't like people who are too adaptable. I like people who are sure of themselves, know who they are, and are confident. Another thing he did that turned me off was, he asked what I was doing and I told him about to go to bed (I have this nasty cold that won't go away), and he text me back, "I'll be there in a min to cuddle lol." I was not feeling that response at all! I don't know you, and I've only hung out with you once....I don't know what made him think it was ok to say that. He's a nice guy, but just as a friend.

cont

cont
by: Anonymous

To answer your question, I don't think it was pathetic how I reeled over the aqua. He had a very good way of keeping the door open, and choosing the right words to make me stay and hold onto hope. I still question his sincerity of my last phone convo with him sometimes. Yea the Libra said all the right things, but I had an inkling that there was something behind that facade as well. With the aqua, I knew a lot of his distance and cold behavior was just a wall and guard. However, the no contact while he's been away still baffles me.

He's been spending some time with groupie girl. I saw some pics of him at her friend's son's bday party. She has a daughter as well. I have no idea what he's doing or thinking with that one. The season is over for him, and I think he's just hanging around down there to see if any other leagues pick him up before their seasons are over. Supposedly he's due back here in Aug to start coaching and work on school.

Hope your weekend went well. Any updates?

LDLDLD
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Hows it going?! Your story about the charmer was sorta funny. Guys who lay on the charm, as you quite rightly identified, are phoneys! Charm is a 'cover story' with only 1 aim in mind, generally involving a bed and a girl. They can be fun, but also very immature, unreliable and changeable. They usually slink back into their true selves either once a girl is hooked, or if she ain't buying it! But they are good little ego boosters at the start!

So that groupie has a kid?! Hmmm - I'd now be even more surprised if the aqua is involved in a relationship with her, because he'd then also have a relationship with a kid (probably forced upon him) that he knows he'd break off. If they are hanging out, then I'd assume its harmless and platonic. I'm curious to see how he acts when he is back in August. I just hope that you don't get hurt, but somehow, I'm not sure he has that power to do so now.

I've been questioning my aqua situation for a little while now. Even though he's such a lovely guy and we always have really good time, I can't help feeling as though I'd like to see more of him. The real stickler is that I would like for him to initiate more contact. The fact that he doesn't speaks volumes, aside from his crazy schedule this year. I'm wondering if I'm showing a lack of self-respect by sleeping with a man who, most of the time, is silent on me. Its nothing to do with him really, he's not doing anything different to what he has always done, I think its more that I have changed my requirements from the situation.

Anyway, August should be a lot quieter for him, so I'm interested to see if anything changes during next month. Also, I haven't contacted him / heard from him for 2 weeks, since we last met. And I'm not going to call him either, just to see if he does anything about it. Thats about where I'm at!

Aren't you going to Hawaii soon?!

kalsdj
by: Anonymous

Hey...

Yea Libra situation was very funny. I kind of feel bad because he was a nice guy all around....but I can't stand someone who fronts about things. Also, I think the Cap has also caught on to my disinterest. I feel bad about that also because he's genuinely a nice guy and would say the sweetest things to me. However, I just can't move as fast as he wanted and I just don't think he's the guy for me in the larger sense.

Why do you think I might get hurt when/if the aqua returns?

You're right though, he doesn't have any power to hurt me. I'm completely over it all and don't even expect to hear from him when he returns. I don't care how I look to him or even care enough to put up a front, so much so, that I contacted him to see how he was recovering out of curiosity. It's funny because I didn't think twice about it. I just thought I should check on him, picked up the phone and text him (after finding his # buried in my phone somewhere) without a second thought to how I would look, or how I would feel if I didn't get a response. I just didn't care. Another thing that's funny is that he seemed more open in this text than he usually is.

I think you should reach out to the aqua and let him know how you feel. You never know, you might find something out about the way he feels. Your expectations are changing because your feelings are growing. I think that's a natural progression to have and there's nothing wrong with it. I know you asked previously why I feel the aqua is waiting for more contact from you. I feel this way because I know how aquas are. They fear rejection A LOT...and this is the number one reason for their aloofness and distance. I just know that if anytime you want to see him, he'll be willing to come by. I don't think he views it as you chasing him. I think he assumes/knows you have your own life going and doesn't want to be a burden to that...so he lets you decide when it's a good time to see him. I don't think you should put anymore thought into it or the self-respect issue until you've gotten a chance to talk to him about it and see where he's coming from.

Hawaii is in a week and a half! I leave Aug 3 for a week...then that following Monday fall semester will have started! Then I have to leave for NY for my cousin's wedding. Aug will be a busy month for me!

aslkj
by: Anonymous

Hey..

So I wanted to let you know that I finally got closure with the aqua. I saw something on FB that pretty much substantiated by suspicions with him and groupie. So I did something I probably shouldn't have done...I text him and I asked whether or not I could get an honest answer if I asked him something. He said yea what's up. I asked if he had a gf or was seeing anyone out there. He said no gf but he was seeing someone. I asked how serious, and he said, "not very. I'm about to leave soon." I thanked him for his honesty and he said your welcome.

I responded and told him that I would still love to meet up with him as friends to hear about his season and what he did while he was away. I told him to contact me if he wanted when he gets back, so we can catch up on things. I then sent him another text and said, "I'm sorry to have put you in that position, it wasn't fair. I know we were friends and nothing but friends. I just care about you...a lot, and I know you know that. I should have followed in your footsteps and not gotten so attached. Thank you for being so kind about everything. Take care..." He responded with, "Take care. I will keep in touch for sure."

So, I'm glad that I finally have closure and can move on to the best of my abilities without wondering or pondering what's gonna happen when he gets back. I know what I did probably wasn't the smartest thing, but I just needed to know. I feel a lot better now. I know it probably didn't show, but I was obsessing so much over it that it was becoming very unhealthy - to the point where I felt I should get on meds. Don't get me wrong, I could function properly and wasn't depressed where all I wanted to do was sleep, but I was constantly feeling that sense of dread in my head (not my stomach) that just wouldn't go away. Does that make sense?

So, what do you think about everything?

asdkj
by: Anonymous

Hey...


I have another update:


So, I felt that I deserved a better response outta him based on what I said last night, and an explanation as for why he felt he couldn't contact me at least once while he's been away. Based on what we had before he left, I wasn't gonna take his coldness laying on my back. I called him and got no response, but then got a text later saying he was sleeping and asking what's up. I called him and let him know how I felt.

I told him I didn't appreciate his NO contact while he's been away. He said that he's been really busy with football and he is a very "outta sight, outta mind" person. I reminded him that it was HIS idea to keep in contact so that's bullshit (and yes I was cussing). He admitted that he's been very selfish but all he cares about is football right now. He stated he only has a couple real years left to make his dreams come true. He said that he definitely thought about me while he's been away, but that he didn't expect me to wait for him and he wasn't sure what I was doing out here either. I told him that I just don't like being ignored and not to be all dramatic, but I could have died, been buried, and 6 ft under for months and he wouldn't have even known.

He stated that he cares about me, but football is his #1 priority and that he understands if I don't stick around, but would still like me to be there. He wants to talk in person about it more when he gets back, and he wants to see how we both feel when we see each other and get in the same room together, and take it from there. He asked if I wanted him to contact me when he returns and I stated I don't know. He got VERY prideful/arrogant and stated, "Well, I'm not gonna lose sleep over it then." I called him out and asked why the fuck does he have to be so prideful about the shit.

We ended up talking about his football plans and at the end of the convo he asked again if he should call me. I stated yes, because I too would like to see him in person and see how I feel as well. After we hung up, I didn't like how he got arrogant with me, so I text him and said, "By the way, you don't have to get all arrogant with me to prove a point, save that shit for someone else. Hope you have a good night!" He replied with, "Alright."

I know our convo sounds kind of dysfunctional, but I felt it was my time to vent and let shit out! We talked about groupie girl slightly, but he made her out to be no big deal. Just like he did before he left, he made it very clear that football is all he cares about right now. He stated he will be back sometime between Aug 10-15.

Anyway, that's all I have to add for now. It's getting late here.

j;lm;\\
by: Anonymous

Hey,

Grrr! Occasionally I accidentally leave my computer on overnight, and sometime the next day, it just shuts itself down to cool the fan. I had just replied to the first part of your post and it shut down just when I was about to send it. So I'm gonna try to re-type it before commenting on your update.

I wanted to say that the way you handled asking him if he was seeing someone was a masterclass in communicating with aqua men! I thought that you approached it so well - and I don't see any reason why you shouldn't have done that. I thought your follow-up text was well worded too. I don’t see any downsides of doing that at all.

I'm surprised that he is seeing the groupie, I really am – is it definitely her that he has been seeing? She sounds such a giddy bimbo. The only thing I can think of is that he regards it as some kind of disposable situation because he is moving away from there shortly (talking of ‘cooling the fan!’). It doesn’t matter either way – at least you know and that in itself gives some kind of peace of mind.

You totally did the right thing by contacting him to find out if he was seeing someone. When you described 'obsessing in an unhealthy way', unfortunately that sounds very familiar. I have been doing a lot of the same lately. It doesn't feel good, does it?! I was uber-over analyzing my situation to the point where I thought that if we saw each other once a month, then it “means” that 97% of the time he wants nothing to do with me. Looking at it that way, its easy to see how the emotions and imagination totally take over. Lately I've even been on the verge of ending it with my aqua altogether because of the distances and how I've been interpreting them (even though I know I’m wrong about it). The last time I saw him a couple of weeks ago, I told him that I'd like it if we could see more of each other - he emphatically said "any time you like" - but then neither of us contacted each other since. I had been feeling that because we only see each other every 2-3 weeks, with no contact from him in between, that maybe I had just set myself up as some convenient fuck-buddy or something, and maybe he was just saying things to keep it all bubbling along that way. Actually, as I was typing my original reply about this, I decided to stop and take your previous advice to call him, much as you did. But I just wanted to describe the above to let you know that you’re not alone in feeling obsessed sometimes.

Anyway, feeling wound up with aquatics weighing unhealthily heavy on the mind all the time seems to require actually speaking to them to break the mood. It is so much better than continuing to obsess, as I'm just starting to learn (with your help). You calling him was in no way a bad move - quite the opposite.

continues...

M,NJ;
by: Anonymous

The thing that struck me about your first post is that you said you had closure. It still doesnt seem like it to me and I think you’re both right that you need to be in a room together to see how you feel. When you truly have closure, it means you feel nothing at all about him, except that he is totally irrelevant to you. I must admit, a line like “outta sight outta mind” is really lame, actually insulting. Him prioritizing his football is fair enough if that is his dream, its his perogative.

I really think you should listen to him and take on board that he wants to be selfish and work on his football goals only. If he still wants you to be there for him, then at least you’ll know that you are second best – because that is the basis on which he wants to play it. I’m really curious to see what happens when he gets back. Also curious to see how you’ll feel by then.

Nothing about the turn of events sounds dysfunctional particularly – venting IS very functional and it had to happen. All the stuff thats been weighing on your mind is better out in the op